Few days ago, my youngest told me very casually “mom, I have been selected for a challenge program, but I don’t want to do it”

Her timing was impeccable. I was doing my assignment ( as usual, the very last minute) and really didn’t have time to even think about what she said.

Yesterday, I received a call from the school principal. Apparently, she was selected for the maths acceleration project at a local university and she told the Principal that my mom doesn’t want me to do it.

I have never been the kind of parent who push children to achieve great things. I got plenty of mottas ( zero marks) while I was in school and still turned out well. ( Blowing my own trumpet eh?) Both Yaya and Toothless are very much like me and are autodidacts. Yaya is now teaching herself to speak Russian and has already started preparing for the SAT. I never asked her to. Baby was different from all of us from the beginning.

From the time my children were little, we played this game called “who is first?”. In order to get everyone out of the house on time, I devised this game where  If all three of them got ready and were buckled in the car before I got ready and started the car and drove to the end of the driveway. they won. Every 10 points got them a treat. In the past one year, I never got a single point. Baby wins each and every time, not because I am slow, but because she leaves the car door open, forcing me to wait for her to close the car door, while she  aramse  put on her shoes and buckled up. I don’t know why Yaya and toothless never thought of doing that. ( I have to admit, even I never thought of doing that)

I didn’t want to force her to attend the maths program, but I worry if I did the right thing? Her teacher chose her based on her meeting the selection criteria and she didn’t want to go because she finds maths boring.

“It” is the elephant in the room and its name is sex. This probably is the most difficult topic that I have faced until now as a parent.

There is me and my background as an Indian who was taught that sex before marriage is wrong, then there is me the quasi feminist who believe that a woman’s body is her own and she has a right to do what she wants with her body and there is me, the parent raising children without any cultural taboo and finding it difficult to cope with it all.

My friend who is a staunch Catholic told me about the story about the double bed. Her 17 year old daughter was going out with a boy who was her friend since grade 7 and also the son of her ( mother’s) best friend. The boy has spend many nights at their home and one day the daughter asked her mother “Mom, do you really mind buying me a double bed?”

The progression from single bed to double bed was inevitable. You could blame the mother for allowing the boy to stay over or you could think of yourself the same age and remember all the things you have done.

She also told me that she would rather have her child safe in her own home than be somewhere else where she might not be safe.

I want my children to be safe.  I know sex is going to be inevitable. I don’t know how to handle when my child request a bed upgrade. I can hear amma saying “azhichu vittu valarthikko”

Yesterday when I went to pick up Yaya after her guitar classes, the moment she opened the car door, she said

“Mom, guess what?”

As you all know, that one question gives me the heebie jeebies. There are endless answers to that question and as usual I imagined all the worst possible outcomes.

“what happened? ” I asked her

“S and N are dating”

S is my friend’s daughter and I consider her as my own. S’s mom met her husband when she was 16 and they have been married for 18 years. ( One of those teen love that is still going strong)

“Gosh, she is at the same age when her mom met her dad” I replied

“Yup, I said the same thing to her and she actually  cringed. She is not in love with N mom, it is just a physical attraction”

My daughter’s response was such an eye opener. When I was her age and had a crush on a boy, my mother imagined me marrying him and all hell broke loose at home. Her attack was two pronged, first was that I was too young ( mottennu virinjilla ) to have any sort of attraction to the opposite sex, she insinuated that there was something wrong with me, because my feelings were not normal and good girls from good families wouldn’t feel the same way. Second , she listed out why a marriage with “that” guy wouldn’t work out. The odd thing is, I had not thought of marrying the guy either, but I didn’t know then that love and physical attraction are two different things. I learned from Amma that you marry a guy whom you are attracted to, which was such a wrong thing to do.

The good news is, my daughter is matured enough to know physical attraction and love aren’t the same. One of these days, she will bring a boy home to introduce us to him. I hope then I will have the maturity to accept that she is living her life and I will be happy for her and won’t do anything that will cloud her judgement.

Time is flying.

From a little girl who used to make me read to her every hour of every day, my oldest daughter has grown from a child who spend all her time with me to a teenager who is hardly home. Every other day she has a party to go to, a gala to attend etc.

She and her friends have progressed from having ‘crushes’ to serious dating.

I thought I was prepared when it came to raising teenagers..but the unknown is so damn terrifying. I worry so much about their safety.There was an article few days ago in the paper titled, things I didn’t know I liked..the writer mentioned, all her life she hated getting her sleep interrupted and now she finds the sound of her daughters high heels clomping on the pavement in the middle of the night, waking her and the rest of the neighbourhood soothing. The sound of clomping heels tells the mother that the daughter is home safe after a night out.

I dropped Yaya to her work place on Saturday morning and picked her up from her friend’s house on Sunday evening. ( in between she went to see a play, attended a Halloween party, had a sleepover at her best friend’s place and attended another birthday party the next day).

I do not want to be a paranoid mother, but I was tempted so many times to call Yaya and ask her if everything is alright. I didn’t call her because I have to let her go. I have to let her find her way.

Every hour I checked my phone to see if there is a text/missed call. I kept awake all night worrying about my baby girl.. She phoned me at 5 pm on Sunday, all cheerful and happy and asked ” mom, can you please pick me up at 6.30 pm?” she had no idea that I missed her or that I was worried about her. She said ” I love you mom, see you soon” and put the phone down.

All these years, I hated the phone ringing. In fact my landline automatically goes to the answering machine because I hate to talk over the phone and now I wait for the phone to ring..

It was a delight to watch my children walking on the stage to collect their awards. Clearly, it was their hard work and going the extra mile to do the best helped them  win the award. I was really happy for my children.

But this post isn’t about my children. This post is about the most annoying boy you would ever meet in your life.

He is my son’s classmate. He is very annoying and extremely disruptive in the class. He often throws things at his classmates. He never completes his homework and the only reason he is allowed to attend the school is because of the ‘inclusion’ policy. But he got a perfect score for  every  maths competitions conducted locally and internationally. ( My son only got  high distinction, not a perfect score) He is a genius stuck in a brain diagnosed with severe Asperger’s.

He didn’t win any award yesterday. I know the awards are for overall achievements, but I feel sad that we only recognize what we consider normal.

Life isn’t fair..

Away until Monday

This happened the last winter kids and I were in Canada. Yaya was in grade 5, learning to talk back and make her stand as a pre teen. I don’t remember why we were arguing, but I remember very clearly her response ” Mama, you better be nice to me, for I am the one who will be choosing the nursing home where you will end up staying when you are old”

I didn’t have children because I wanted an old age security, I had them because I really wanted children. I raise them because it is part of having children, not because they need to pay back for all that I have done for them..pathu masam chumannu, theettam kori, kashu koduthu padippichu…I certainly didn’t raise them so they could be my ATM ( any time money) in my old age.

I do not want my children to take care of me in my old age. It is not fair on my children to be burdened with a cranky old woman, just because she gave birth to them. ( I am already stubborn as a mule and strong willed, imagine me 20 years from now) I am responsible for my life and it isn’t my children who should pay for my old age care or take care of me.

I hate the Indian/Asian notion of filial piety where the children are forced to take care of their parents because the parents sacrificed so much for the kids. . Every parent be it in the west or east chose to have the child and raising them is the result of that choice. But to burden them with taking care of their parents by religious or cultural bounds is a phenomenon seen in India/Asia. Elder abuse is extremely common in India and one of the reason it is happening is that some children really don’t want to take care of their aging parents, but are forced by the society. ( I think there is even a law that mandates children to take care of their parents) Years ago, there was the support of the extended families to take care of the older parents/in laws. Now with the nuclear families, both parents working and raising their own children, parents end up as a liability. To make matters worst, life expectancy has increased dramatically over the past two decades so are the chronic diseases (India has  about 90 million people over the age of 60 and women outlive men)

I chose to live outside India/Malaysia because of  the support system available for an older person. I will be eligible for old age pension and I can access government support when I can no longer take care of myself. But while I can, I intend to live in my own home ( and the plan b of driving off the cliff when I can no longer take care of me is still there)

One of the first thing I checked before buying my house is how safe it would be for me when I grow old. I didn’t want a two storey because I wouldn’t be able to handle going up and down the stairs in my old age. Actually  I didn’t want any steps anywhere in the house, I wanted the house to have wheelchair access, close to public transport so even if I ended up not being able to  drive, I can still go out or can employ people who can get to my place using public transport.

I got this as an email attachment sometime ago

A thought to ponder for the seniors !

WHEN PARENTS GIVE THEIR MONEY TOO EARLY . . .
(Phil. Star Article by: Letty Jacinto-Lopez )

At their 54th anniversary, my friends made a decision to distribute their
combined assets among their living heirs. Their rationale, Para walang gulo.
(To avoid trouble). They added one proviso: While still alive, income
from these properties will be used to maintain our present lifestyle
inclusive of medical expenses, extravagant trips and unlimited shopping.

That’s easy, replied the heirs. The income was substantial to indulge the
old folks with a bonus that the heirs can use in any manner they wanted.

The first year passed without a hitch, but soon the problem surfaced. Each
child used all kinds of tactics to keep the money from his parents. It
reached a point where the poor retirees had to beg for sustenance, robbing
them of the dignity they worked hard to uphold.

What went wrong?

Bad decision, said a cautious friend who warned the couple of this scenario.
Children are so unreliable when it comes to inherited money. Money
received, which was not expected and not a direct result of something they
worked for, is not given the same value as money earned with their own
sweat and tears. They lose their sense of propriety; gratitude is tainted
by greed and decency gone. This is compounded by in-laws who can tilt or
convince their respective spouses to throw out good sense and filial
affection like soiled rugs, Honey, they’re going to die anyway, so why
waste good money on them? 

To avoid falling into this vulnerable, pitiful state, 
keep these 10 tips in mind:

1. Do not retire. If you’re over-aged, retire and get all the benefits but
find another income-generating job or open a business that will keep you
active physically and mentally. Travel and bond with true friends, play a
sport, learn a new hobby and volunteer in your community or parish. Don’t
loaf around. Your spouse will hate you because you’ve become a sloppy,
listless bum with nothing good to say about the household and things that
you never bothered about before. Solve crossword puzzles, play Scrabble,
write your memoirs, and above all, read …this will keep you alert and
keep Alzheimer’s at bay.

2. Live in your own place to enjoy independence, privacy and a solo life.
If you move in with your children, your rank or degree of importance is
reduced to that of a bed spacer who has no place of honor or, worse, like
crumbling furniture merely displayed with no added value. Might you kowtow
to conform to their own rules that are not kind, considerate or mindful of
you? If you witness your children engaged in a war of will and wits with
your grandchildren, whom will you side with? Will they even appreciate your
arbitration? Remind your children that silence is not a sign of weakness;
you are merely processing data that is taking longer to complete.

3. Hold on to your nest egg, bank deposits and assets. If you want to help
your children, do give, but not to the extent that you wipe out your life’s
earnings, singing heroically not a shirt on my back nor a penny to my name.
Staying solvent and in the black is a good hedge against all kinds of
tempests. You will sleep better, you will not be afraid to express your
opinion and you will be confident about yourself.

4. Don’t believe your children’s promise to care for you when you grow old.
Priorities change. Many children are not guilt-ridden or filled with a
sense of moral obligation when the wife and offspring take top billing in
their lives. There are still children who would consider it a privilege to
show compassion, genuine love and deep concern for their parents but be
warned that not all children think alike.

5. Expand your circle of friends to include young ones who will definitely
outlive your old BFFs. Keep up with new inventions, trends, music and
lifestyle including all the scams and schemes you should guard against.
Remember that when you mix with the young, you also open a fresh avenue to
channel your thoughts, experiences and values through so that the lessons
you learned are not lost, forgotten or buried with you.

6. Be well groomed and smelling fresh of spring water all the time. There’s
nothing more depressing than seeing people exhale when you walk by because
you reek of baul (camphor chest) or lupa (dirt). Old age or bust, don’t
look and smell like a corpse when you’re not one yet.

7. Do not meddle in the life of your children. If they ask for your
counsel, give it, but be ready to accept that they may not take it. Their
situations in life cannot be compared to the situations that you
experienced in your life. The playing field has changed and they need to
develop their own set of survival skills. If you raised them to be street
smart, they can handle themselves in tough situations and be able to read
people. Champion and encourage their dreams and desires but on their own
terms.

8. Do not use old age as your shield and justification for turning grumpy.
There’s nothing more annoying than an arrogant, old fool. Welcome each day
as another chance to be kind and forgiving, to yourself and to others.

9. Listen to what others may say. Do not throw your weight around just
because you are a septuagenarian or a nonagenarian. You are not a
depository of knowledge. Even if the roles have been reversed, make growing
old a fun-filled, pleasant experience for you and your brood.

10. Pray always and focus on your eternal life. You will definitely leave
everything behind, a final journey detached from burden and care. Be more
accepting that, sooner, not later, you will croak. Prepare your swan song
with a humble and contrite heart. If you believe in a merciful and loving
God, there is no need to strut like a star. Nobody is.

Money – Your last power at old age ! 

So save for your old age, don’t have children and think that they will take care of you in your old age.

Friday when I got back home, I noticed that the postie left the mail partially inside the mailbox and the letters were soaked in the afternoon drizzle. All the postie had to do was to push the letters in to the mail box. I was mad at the postie and at my children who came home before me and could have picked up the mail. As usual there were bills in the mail and then I noticed two letters from the school. I am a bit scared to receive letters from school, mostly because the only letters my parents ever got from my school/college were detailing my crimes. Since apple doesn’t fall too far from the trees, with trembling hands  I opened the soaked mail.

Both Yaya and toothless won the academic honours award for their respective grades and the school send a formal letter to inform me.( they also got individual subject awards and I was aware of that. Academic honours and that too both of them was a real surprise)

Happily I opened the door and found Yaya sitting on her favourite spot all gloomy and sad.

“What happened?” I asked her

“Mom, my teacher is so mean, today she drew a chart in class to describe the characteristics of students who will be successful in their life, then she told me, ” you have no future, I saw you talking to your friends in the assembly, you show no respect and people like you will never get anywhere in life”

I showed Yaya the letter from school. This should have been the proudest moment in her life, but her teacher’s remark made much more impact on her.

I told Yaya about Dr. S. He was my forensic medicine lecturer. He only had basic MBBS degree and got a job as a lecturer because his father was a big shot at Medical council of India. ( probably why he got admission to do medicine in the first place). Initially he was teaching anatomy and after teaching everything wrong, he was transferred to Forensic medicine. He picked on my from day one and  told me ” You should quit doing medicine, for people like you give a bad name for medical profession” It wasn’t because I wasn’t a good student, it wasn’t because I failed a subject. It was because he didn’t like me, because my reputation had preceded me after all the things George had done.The only other subject other than anatomy that I didn’t get the first three place is Forensic medicine. He didn’t give me the mark I deserved and it was fine with me. But when I got my final marks card, I took a copy of my marks card, went to meet him and gave him the copy and told him ” It isn’t people like me who should quit doing medicine, it is people like you with just an MBBS degree acting as if the world revolves around you that should quit the medical profession. Today, you and I have the same degree and one day, I will have more degrees than you and you will still be an MBBS degree holder and teaching forensic medicine, so remember the next time you go after another student, that you are nothing”

I told Yaya that the opinion of one teacher doesn’t determine her destiny, but it is a reason for her to work really hard, so one day, she could walk up to the same teacher and prove it to her that she was wrong all along.

I met my cousin ( My aunt’s son) when he was 10, although I was only 23 at that time, I considered him to be like my own son. I hoped then that one day I will have a boy of my own and he will be like my cousin, for my cousin was the sweetest boy I ever met until then. He is the only son of his parents, very gentle and even tempered. He never got angry, never spoke back to his parents and was very loving. Mother’s day and Father’s day at their house was a big event. The three of them ( father, mother and son) did everything together and every year they went to new places for their holidays. I can still see him walking in the middle with his mother and father on either side.

A year ago, he met a lovely girl and they bought a house of their own. He moved out on mother’s day ! Though he lives 15 km away from his parents house, he never has time to visit his parents. And even when he  comes home, he stays in his room with his girl..

Yesterday while we were sitting outside and talking, my son came to me to give me my goodnight kiss. ( To this day, my son has never gone to bed without giving me a goodnight kiss) My aunt started to cry, because her son used to do the same.

My aunt said to me ” You know, there is a Chinese proverb, you lose a son when he marries a girl and gains a son when your daughter get married”

I know my aunt and uncle miss their son very much and I know this is a stage in life.. I also know soon my boy too will leave home and I will feel the same way.. If only life was simple..

Yesterday when I got back home at 9.30 after Yaya’s basketball practice, as soon as I opened the door, the first thing I noticed was the dining table.  It was set and dinner was ready. The house was very quiet and I couldn’t find my aunt and uncle, which was very odd. I checked the bedrooms, the washrooms and finally found them in the pergola. Both of them were sitting in the pergola, with their legs crossed and praying silently. ( They are Buddhists and my aunt chants Om mani padme hum 1000 times every day)

I have a small statue of Buddha in the pergola. I bought it  for no particular reason. I didn’t think of my relatives when I bought it, but it made them very happy.

Same time last year, I had my relatives from Kerala staying with me. We always eat our dinner at 7 pm ( except when my kids have sports practice) and because that, I often do not let the children eat a heavy snack when they come back home from school. So by 7, they are famished.. On the first day of their stay, when I served dinner at 7 pm as usual, my cousin declared ” we should pray before dinner” My kids rolled their eyes. Then they asked for the bible. We don’t have a bible at home. My relatives were scandalized. Then they wanted to sing hymns. My children don’t know any hymns. I was given a lecture of how irresponsible I was. And then the prayers started..it included weeping, pleading and begging and it went on and on. While the prayers continued, my children  decided to eat, because there was no end in sight for the prayer session and they were really hungry. They also had to do their homework.

I was given another lecture as to how to show respect  and treat my guests.

I don’t understand why Indians act this way.

Visiting relatives, last term of school, award ceremonies, going to uni, writing assignments, hot summer days. sums up my life the past few days.

I saw this article few months ago and wanted to post it here.

“Vayasaayi” ( aged/) is a word I have heard often while growing up in India. There was an expiry date to all activities in life determined by the society. When you were young, if you did something that wasn’t socially acceptable, you were told ” mottennu virinjilla” ( Haven’t even hatched completely from the egg), but once you crossed the socially accepted hatching period, every thing you did was dependent on vayassayi. If a middle aged woman wanted to wear a sleeveless blouse, she was criticised  by saying vayassayi…ennittum…These types of limits set by the society affected the women much more than men.

When I told a very dear friend that I am doing my master’s degree, she asked ” You already have a master’s degree, why are you wasting your time and studying again at your age?”

Then you read articles like this that are so much more inspiring..

I know the photo is blurry and vayassayi people can’t see.. so here is the gist of the article.

Ordinary People

Lyn Davey 62, flight attendant, Camp hill.

I feel like I’ve lived my life back to front. At the age of 62, I’ve moved away from my family. I’m living in rented share accommodation, working part time at my local IGA ( supermarket) and just started my career as a flight attendant. I’d dreamed if being a flight attendant since I was 16, when I took my first plane and just loved the experience.

I grew up in Rosalie, 12 km south of Mackay. My father Fred was a motor mechanic. Mum Audrey, now 88, helped with the business. Back then, it was felt education was wasted on girls because you would only get married and become a mother. So when I was 15, I left school and started work as a legal secretary in Mackay. I married when I was 20 and had three children ( Gilliam 38, Cameron 35 and Martin 32). Back then, if you were married or had children, you couldn’t be a flight attendant. Life moved on. I married my second husband and had another daughter Vivian now 26. I never gave up my dream but  I was busy with my children and worked at various jobs. It wasn’t until I was in my fifties that I first applied to a couple of regional airlines, but it came to nothing.

In 2007, I took a job in Brisbane as an admin officer for a union. I answered an ad for a share accommodation and got a part time job at nights at IGA. I love people and became friendly with lots of customers there. When a customer said she worked for Virgin and wished she had me on her team. I felt it was meant to be. I just had to try. At age 60. I put in application and seven months later, I was offered a position with Jetstar. I took my first training flight in March last year at 61 1/2 years of age. I love it with passion. I have three young grandchildren, an elderly mom and a disabled husband., so I feel I can relate to so many different people on board.