The need to travel is the most when my mind is restless. I always had a special place to go to where ever I live. There is no particular reason how a place becomes my refuge..It just happens.

My refuge so far has been
My ancestral home in Chengannur
Thirunakkara temple in Kottayam
Travelling on the Island express ( either stretch )
MG road in Bangalore ( from the bible society office all the way down to kidskemp!)
NH 4 ( mostly the Hoskotte to Kolar Gold fields)
Bukit Tinggi in Malaysia.
Po Ling Chinese temple in Jln Ampang
Drive to Princeton from Vancouver ( Highway #3)
Vidette lake in Kamloops

I couldn’t really find my refuge in Australia all these while.. No place seemed right. Few weeks ago on a whim I drove to Byron bay. Kids wanted to eat fish and chips and I was told Fishheads in Byron bay serves the best fish and chips!

It was a beautiful drive.

After buying the fish and chips, we sat on the rocks by the side of the road and watched the surf.
I felt so peaceful watching the waves break. ( perhaps it is the Piscean in me)
I remembered Jon Kabat Zinn saying “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf”

So surf I will!

My heart feels so heavy
It is so hard when i have no one to even lend a shoulder to cry on
Why am I being punished like this?

My sister’s latest email to me

“Infact you’re the one with the problem. Do you think i need your permission to call your children… I dont!

DO you understand the meaning of the word decency. If If you were decent you wouldn’t behave the way you do. I am not going into details. Unlike your sad/miserable/pathetic life…i have a life that is meaningful and I dont have time for people like you.

Honestly sis you need to reevaluate your life. You’ve been living this life of blaming the family for your miseries/ you’ve been using your children against us… i even remember how you used to tell them that they have no family and if you die that they shud contact our aunt in Sabah. By the way i hope you’re in good terms with them..coz u need them to take care of your children.
Are you mentally sound?

At the moment you’re a utter failure in life. You need to get out and earn a living. Interact with others which will improve your social skills.

I already have so much on my plate to deal with. Now this

Yesterday Yaya came to me in the morning and tells me that her aunt ( my sister) is coming to pick her up.She has it all organized. ( apparently over FB chat! I am an idiot for allowing my sisters access to my kids on FB)

Now this aunt lives 120 km away from me, have not visited my home not even once since I came to Australia, have not called my children on their birthdays or made any effort to have any sort of relationship with me or my kids. And then she decided she can just drive over here and pick my daughter up from my home without even asking me for my permission..
I know I am missing something here, because my sister’s action really didn’t make any sense to me.
Why now?
Why all of a sudden?
Why work with my children’s feelings ( obviously Yaya was upset when I told her it doesn’t work like that. One needs to ask the parent for permission before taking the child!)

I wrote a very simple email to my sister and told her that I do not like her playing with my children’s feelings.
Now I am told that I use my children!
Now all three of my sisters are bombarding me with emails telling me that I am a loser, that they are waiting for me to run to them because they know it will happen one of these days..

I am so tired of my family.
I don’t write to them, I don’t call them.. All I am doing is trying to rebuild my life..they won’t let me even do that.

Now I can watch from home..

Check it out here

I have always been fascinated by the Roma people..
Much as they have been portrayed badly, I always felt that Roma are very resilient..
After all They survived
5 centuries of slavery
ethnic cleansing
forced labour
systemic discrimination
Nazi genocide
Forced sterilization of Romani women
Forced assimilation

And Now Sarkozy is deporting Roma from France..
Of course, it makes sense..Does it not? Why should French tax payer support these travelling people who came to their country and don’t follow the rules? Why should French tax payer pays for these travelling people’s health, their children’s education?
Wouldn’t a president courageous enough to forcefully deport these unwanted people be loved by the general public? even though EU legislation allows the Romani the right to travel around in EU?

Indira Gandhi said once
“There are some 15 million Roms dispersed across the world. Their history is one of suffering and misery, but it is also one of the victories of human spirit over the blows of fate. Today the Roms revive their culture and are looking for their identity. On the other hand, they integrate into the societies in which they live. If they are understood by their fellow citizens in their new homelands, their culture will enrich the society’s atmosphere with the color and charm of spontaneity.”

If only Sarkozy could see beyond his political ambitions..

If only we learn that persecution is never the answer..

So long as you and I are silent.. let the Roma suffer.. Today it is them.. remember tomorrow it may be you.

Ok
So I hit rock bottom..
Thought my life is finished
felt the light at the end of the tunnel was indeed coming from a train!

Then I remembered His Holiness Dalai Lama’s quote I read some time ago
Never give up
No matter what is going on,
Never give up
Develop the heart.
Too much energy in your country is spent
Developing the mind instead of the heart.
Be compassionate not just to your friends
but to everyone
Be compassionate.
Work for peace in your heart and in the world.
Work for peace and I say again
Never give up. No matter what is happening,
No matter what is going on around you, Never give up

I know I am so close to achieving my goals.. this delay is just temporary.. All I need to get back to work is a ref from an Aussie employer.. So I decided to get just that. I got a job as an administrator in a palliative care center..( Voluntary)

So when the going gets tough, tough goes for surfing..
Taking the kids for surfing to Byron bay..
The thing is, I always wanted to learn to surf..I can just about manage to stand and watch my kids surf..
Will I give it a go this time?
I am tempted..
I am also a chicken when it comes to adventurous sports, speed driving excluded.. I was in control there, so I had no fear!!)
May Be I will
Most likely I will not
Let us see

So far there has been only one person who could rile me up so much that I am ready to commit homicide..
Then again he tells me stories that makes sense..
Much as he pushed all the wrong buttons that send me to the depth of despair, he also reminded me about Arjuna and the bird..

So here I am, all the more determined to get a job in the medical field..
I only see the eye of the bird.
I am determined..
I can’t give up
I won’t give up.

Now that the kids are older it is time for me to go back to work..
I know that.
I have always been told that I was lazy or that I never tried hard enough or that I didn’t use the opportunities that came my way.. ( after all opportunities only come once and I have been busy knocking them off my door deliberately)

So here I am, few months short of my 40th b’day, struggling with the proverbial catch 22 situation of overqualified/under qualified for any job.

All I want right now is a job, so I can shut the mouths of those accusing me of being lazy or trying not hard enough or not using the opportunities that came my way.

All I keep hearing is, oh you are too qulafied for this job, we surely will keep your resume in our data base. If I take the degrees off my resume, then I am too underqualified..

And No, I didn’t post this to gather the sympathy votes of blogging community. I am just so damn tired.

I am a creature of habit..
I do things according to a schedule and tend not waver from that.

My family knows my obsessions.

Today is towel changing day..
As I took the towels out from the linen cupboard, I thought I will reorganize the towels and took all the towels out. The towel in the middle had something in it and I opened to see what is it.

Lorikeet painting!!

It was a custom ordered painting that I got for my mother on her birthday.

It took a long time before I figured what to get her for her birthday. Few years ago she wanted a jade pendant and I spend months looking for the perfect jade for her..( It was really a tough job as I refused to buy Burmese jade ( Protesting against the imprisonment of Ang San Suu Kyi)
This time when she came she returned the jade pendant saying she didn’t want to keep anything expensive with her.

What could I give my mother on her birthday?
If I give her money, she won’t take or give it to my sisters.
If I give her clothes, she won’t wear.
If I give her something to use in the house, she would distribute it to others..

I had noticed that Amma loved to watch the Lorikeets that visit my bird feeder.
So I asked my friend who is a painter to do a Lorikeet painting for her ( cost an arm and a leg)..I thought at least she can remember her time in Australia.

I took care of her for 7 months.

In that 7 months I have not once yelled at her or fought with her..
Yet she hid the birthday gift I gave her in my house knowing that a week after I return from India, I will take the towels from the linen cupboard on Tuesday and will find the painting. She knew I will be upset knowing that she didn’t want to take my gift.

May be she is acting the last stage in All the world is a stage..
But for me this is it.
I am done with her..
It is time for me to run.. (AGAIN) Change my phone, change my address and vanish from the face of the earth!