My daughter has gone for a school camp.

She packed her bag all by herself. I no longer get a chance to do a mother hen activity!!!

She was not supposed to take her phone, any electronic equipment( including wrist watch), food or lollies.
She asked me if she could take her ipod with her..knowing very well that she isn’t supposed to take it.
I know I am supposed to tell her, No you mustn’t break the rules..
I guess I should have.
I asked her what is the punishment for bringing something you aren’t supposed to bring?
She said her teacher mentioned that
“if you are bringing lollies, make sure they are gluten free!!!” Apparently the teacher has gluten sensitivity.

Coming back to my child, she wears decent clothes( I haven’t had to tell her that her clothes are inappropriate for her age),
She txt me as soon as she leaves the school campus, another txt when she enters the bus, another txt when she is at the bus interchange and in between a million txt just chatting with me. I have never asked her to txt me. She does because she knows I am a worry wart.
She does all her school work on time and when she is in a mood helps me with household chores.
So I told her, you are aware that by taking your ipod with you, you are breaking the rules and I as your mother have to tell you that the rules are there for a reason.But if you think that you can’t live the next few days without the ipod and are willing to face the consequences in the event you are caught, then go ahead, take your ipod.But I will not bail you out if you get in to trouble.

It is really tough being a parent and having to figure out where to draw the line.
What if tomorrow she start smoking and taking drugs.. cause I already let her break one rule???
The trouble is..all her friends are bringing their phones, ipads, ipods and lollies..and I am in the bandwagon of”all my friends do this/that” and much as I am tempted to ask as my mother has asked me a million times
ellarun traintey mumbil chadiyal, neeyum chadumo??”
there is no middle ground. If I take a tough stand, I face the prospect of making an enemy out of my child. If I take a lenient stand.. I risk the unknown,

The approval

When we were growing up, amma used to subscribe to The Hindu newspaper( english version).. The paper was delivered a day later, but she felt chechy’s grasp of english language will benefit greatly even if the news was a day old.
( in the beginning, chechy used to wait for the paper delivery.. in the end the paper just sat in the living room.and amma cancelled the subscription)

Anyway.. it was well known that chechy had the best english among all of us. Her grammar was perfect..her spelling was perfect..while I, a poor pityful student of Malayalam medium didn’t even know the difference between he or she!! let alone grammar.

Today, I received a one line email from someone who knows my family..who knows how good chechy’s english is..
The mail said
I have always known, your english is better than many!!

You know how it feels to finally hear that.. ( I know I am too old to feel like this..)
but though amma would never see anything good in me.. someone else did..and I am thrilled..feels like winning life’s lottery!

The monster in me

There is a monster in me. I know it is there and I am so helpless when it comes out..

I suffer from severe PMS and no one seems to understand it.
I have been told that I am using my PMS as an excuse.

I wish I could explain..

I am normally a very rational, calm person and all of a suddent I turn in to someone even I despise myself.
I get upset for every little thing.
I don’t think before I do anything
I shut myself out
I scream
I write letters full of vitriol
I drive so rashly that sometimes I am even scared to take the car out, cause there were times I have driven like a maniac.

But the worst is the anger.. it is like I am sitting on a pot over simmering fire..and any little thing is enough for me to burst..

My children have been living with me..and have learned to cope by ignoring me..
I know it isn’t fair to ask everyone in my life to understand that I go through this phase every month..
The hardest part is even when I know I suffer from PMS, there is nothing..absolutely nothing I can do to help me..

Two reasons for this post.
1. A friend of mine who knows Amma, asked me where she is and I was tired of hiding behind the truth and covering up for my family, told him I honestly don’t know, which led to how come? and I replied, we had our differences and his next statement was..”I hope you will iron out your differences with your mom, after all she is your mother!”

2. International women’s day ( I only remembered after reading the comment in the previous post!)

Do you know what I hate the most? It is the perception by everyone that “mothers, by virtue of being a mother have some sort of immunity because they carried you in their womb, gave birth to you and nurtured you. So that makes them holy and eligible for sainthood. Mothers can never be bad. NEVER. It is improbable that there are actually bad mothers..It is impossible that there are mothers who harm their children.

It is always the daughter that is wrong. She must have done something wrong and upset her mother!

Why don’t people think there are two sides to a coin?
Why do they assume that when it involves a mother and a daughter, it is the daughter who is always wrong?

Perhaps this international woman’s day.. while we glorify the achievements, strength and courage of our fellow women, do take a moment and consider..Not all mothers are good, holy sainthood materials..Just because you had the best mother on earth doesn’t mean that everyone is just as lucky as you… and please do give the daughter a break..She deserves it.

Winner takes it all

My grandmother once told me..the biggest enemy for a woman is another woman.

Isn’t that an irony?

Aren’t women supposed to be loving, caring, understanding..all encompassing goddess of good will on earth?

I thought life is pretty simple… that what goes around comes around…

Why then do we see manipulative conniving ones among our midst?

because they think they are smart?

because they think it is important to win?

Win at all cost?

“Said one oyster to a neighboring oyster, ‘I have a very great pain within me. It is heavy and round and I am in distress.’ And the other oyster replied with haughty complacence, ‘Praise be to the heavens and to the sea, I have no pain within me. I am well and whole both within and without.’ At that moment a crab was passing by and heard the two oysters, and he said to the one who was well and whole both within and without, ‘Yes, you are well and whole; but the pain that your neighbor bears is a pearl of exceeding beauty.’”

Khalil Gibran..

Not really sure why I thought of the saying.. perhaps the pain I have gone through the past few days has been tremendous..and the result is..I need a publisher. I don’t know how to go about finding a publisher.. If you know anyone who can help me, please do mail me.

Shania Twain – Is There Life After Love

Every road had a rainbow
And every wish had a star
Every tear had a shoulder to cry on
And every night had guitars
But every fool’s a lonely fool
And such a fool am I
‘Cause every night I think of you
And every night I die
Is there life after love?
Some things aren’t certain
But some things I’m sure of
Like angels in heaven
And God up above
But is there life after love


Can someone tell me
If you send a message to someone on facebook, and if that message gets send to the recipient’s iphone, would it be send from the sender’s email address or from
If it is from, can the recipent tweak her facebook account in such a way that, the senders email id will be shown?
My daughter send a personal message to someone on fb.
The message was send to the person’s iphone by fb.
The person claims, she got my daughter’s email id from the message.. is this possible?

Mothering my children

Two reasons for this post

1. A reader send me the link for a mallu movie Mummy and me

2. Amy Chua’s latest book Battle hymn of the tiger mother.

Let us start with the movie.

I have a very similar mother, who used to go through my stuff, my letters etc all on the pretext of making sure that no harm ever happens to me ( being a girl child, it was up to my mother to protect me from all the big bad wolf).

Even when Amma was with me here last year, she still went through my mail, went to Yaya’s room while Yaya and I were out and routinely went through my daughter’s school bag, driving her nuts.

My living room had bay windows and if I sit on my day bed, you can stand outside and see what I am doing on the computer. Every time my mother opened the grill, I knew she was going out to look through the window to see who I am talking to/chatting or whatever.. By the way, I am 39 years old!! The moment Amma opens the grill, I just turn around and face the other way..

I am a mother of two girls and a boy. I can’t imagine doing the same thing to my children. I have only checked my son’s email once cause I really wanted to know who his latest crush was and was caught red handed by him! Yaya has her own pre paid handphone. . She knows I can access her phone records any time. The same with emails. All three of them had to write their log in name and password in an email and send it to me. But I don’t check their mail.

I have raised them to be honest. I hope, they will tell me when they have a relationship. if they don’t, there is nothing much I can do, is there? Can I keep them home, check all their emails and phone calls in the hope that they won’t have any relationship till they get married? It is not possible. As a mother, especially an east Indian mother, that was probably one of the toughest reality of mothering in the 21st century I had to accept.

Give them the freedom to choose ( teach them what is right and what is wrong), at the same time, keep all my fingers crossed hoping that they won’t make wrong choices, knowing that I will still stand by them if they made a wrong choice.

Coming to Amy Chua’s book, I lived half of my life in Malaysia, so I know how Chinese mother’s push their children. I will never call my children Garbage. They are loved way too much to be categorized as garbage, even though I was called stupid by my mother deaf and dumb and blind by my sisters more often than I can count. I think calling children names should be considered as an offence. Just because you gave birth to them, doesn’t give you the rights to demean them.

I am a perfectionist. I didn’t inherit that from my mother. I was born that way. When Yaya was about two years old, she wanted to write her name. So I bought her a feint ruled book, so I could teach her to write. She was holding the pencil the wrong way. Yes, I am a doctor and I know at the age of 2 a child doesn’t have enough fine motor skills. But still I tried..Yaya, threw the pencil down and told me she didn’t want to learn to write. I learned my lesson. It is ok to be a perfectionist.. So long as I am the only one who needs to be one. I can’t force my perfectionism to my children.

All three of my children are intelligent on their own accord. Last year Baby had issues with home work. Her home work is due on Friday and three weeks in a row, she submitted it incomplete. She had two warnings and the third time I had to meet the teacher. I explained to the teacher that i want my daughter to take responsibility. I will not tell her to do her home work. If I was going to do that, it was never going to end and my child will rely on me to tell her to do things. Yaya and toothless come back from school, watch tv for 30 minutes, then do their home work. it wasn’t that baby wasn’t aware of the fact that she needed to do her home work. She just decided not to do it and I felt she should face the consequences. The teacher told her that the next time she will be send to the Principal’s office..that was it. That is all it took her to make sure that she completed her work.

Sleep overs were something I was afraid of. I worried so much when Yaya had to go for a sleep over. But I chose to live outside India and why should I force on my children an Indian upbringing when I didn’t want to live in India?

I wanted each of my children to learn an instrument. Not because I wanted them to play in Carnegie Hall, but because I felt every child should know how to swim, skate,dance and play an instrument. There is no set hours they have to practice and I didn’t pick the instrument for them.

My role as a mother to my children doesn’t involve in making them perfect..My role as a mother is all about accepting their imperfections and standing by them while they make the journey in to adulthood..

Perhaps my kids won’t enter Harward. But that is ok. I didn’t have them as an extension to my ego. I had them, because i wanted them. And yes, if they do enter Harward, it is on their own accord..because they worked hard, not because their mother pushed them to work hard. I am not a tiger mother. I am a human mother, wjho loves her children more than anything on earth.