I am so sorry

I hate not keeping my words..
Unfortunately today is Halloween and I am scrambling to get all the costumes done.( after all my middle name is procrastination)

Yaya is going to be Athena
Toothless is going to be Julius Caesar
Baby wants to be little red riding hood.. ( and you know who the grandma would be!!!)

Grandma and the little red riding hood, Ms. Athena and Mr. Caesar wish you a very happy Halloween.. See you all on Monday
Take care

Oh mi Gosh

Just when I thought I hit rock bottom….
I won 2 front row seats to Billy Joel’s concert tomorrow..
I still can’t believe it.
I am so so so so excited..
Will update the blog tomorrow..

Some times life is just so hard to live..
I am so tired, I can’t even cough any more. My tummy hurts after coughing so much.
But life has to go on..
Food has to be cooked or the children go hungry
Stories( school readers) had to be read and home work had to be checked.
children has to be dropped to and fetched from school.
Laundry has to be done
House has to be vacuumed
All I want is to lie down and close my eyes.. but that is a luxury I am not entitled to..

two different planets

“What do you mean by saying you missed me?” Appa was looking at me.
“I missed all those times with you Appa. Remember the time you took us to buy ice cream from the Milma shop? We had so much fun that day”
I remembered that day very well. Appa took my sisters and I to the Milma shop in front of Kottayam post office and bought us ice cream. He had warned us to behave properly, that included how to eat the ice cream properly. Still when I thought he wasn’t looking, I licked the ice cream from the waxed paper cover on top of the ice cream cup. I thought Appa didn’t see me licking the cover.
After we had the ice cream when we were walking back home, we passed by the roasted peanut seller who used to have his push cart near the Vidyarthimithram press. Four of us knew there was no way Appa would buy ice cream and peanut on the same day, still we nudged Sally and made her ask Appa to buy us peanuts.
Appa had bought peanuts for us and when he handed me my paper cone filled with roasted salted peanuts, he told me
ithintey cover thinnu nee enney nattikkaley!! (Don’t embarrass me by eating the paper cone!)
I could still picture the sheepish grin on Appa’s face and how I hoped the earth would open up and swallow me.
I remembered how my sisters pestered Appa to tell them why he spoke to me like that. Appa never told them. I knew why. I knew I was his favourite daughter.
We walked back home. Sally was tired, so Appa carried her and he held Liza’s hand.I wanted to hold Appa’s hand and I remembered fighting with Liza, so I could hold Appa’s hand. And Appa let me hold his hand. How proud I was that day because Appa didn’t tell my sisters my secret and he let me hold his hands.
I wondered why Amma didn’t come with us that day? Then I remembered why? She was at home with an ice pack on her face, desperately trying to remove the signs of spousal abuse, so she could go back to work the next day. Appa bought ice cream for us as a peace offering.
And I ate every single drop of that ice cream. I even licked the cover. Damn! I muttered.
I looked at my father standing in front of me. I looked at his hand. How many times had this man hit my mother with his hand? How many times he tried to strangle Amma? And I wanted to hold his hand? I fought, so I could hold his hand?
Gosh, why didn’t I think? Why did I not see the whole picture? I rubbed my hands on my dress subconsciously, hoping I could rub off those moments I held his hand.I felt sick, for only remembering what I wanted to remember.
“You really remember those times?” Appa was staring at me
“Yes” I replied
Yes Appa, I remember every damn minute, You really thought I wouldn’t remember anything? You thought your children forget everything? I wanted to ask Appa that.
“So tell me, what is your fondest memory?” Appa asked
I didn’t want to answer. All of a sudden I was afraid to remember any more. My memories are fast becoming a night mare. My memories are the Pandora’s box and I had no idea what else was hiding behind those precious moments I shared with my father.
“There were so many” I replied hoping to avoid any further discussion. I wanted to sleep. May be all this was a nightmare. May be when I wake up in the morning everything would be fine. May be I won’t wake up in the morning. I didn’t want to wake up. My life was the nightmare!
I felt sorry for all those times I hurt Amma. I felt sorry for all those times I didn’t stand by my mother. I felt sorry for all those times I never tried to understand her.
All I wanted was to hug Amma and tell her that I am sorry for not being there. But I knew it wasn’t possible. Amma and I, we lived on two different planets

Je suis désolé, mais je n’ai pas le choix

This is my 500th post.
My blog turned 2 on Oct 7.
We have also completed 2 years of staying in Canada.
One more year to go before we are eligible to apply for Canadian citizenship.

Today I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for reading my blog.
I would also like to say

Je suis désolé, mais je n’ai pas le choix
Je suis désolé, mais la vie me demande ça”

Translated in English it means,
“I am sorry, I don’t have a choice.
I am sorry, my life asks/demands this from me”.

Call me an underdog, overdog, bulldog, hotdog,sheepdog,superdog,watchdog or whatever dog you want to. This blog will go on.
Mark knopfler sang Je suis désolé.

Because I missed you!

By the time the dinner was over, I had heard enough times of how wonderful my father was and how lucky my sisters and I were to have got the best father in the world. I just wanted to shout.
Shout at the top of my voice and tell Shobha that all this was nothing but a lie. I wanted to tell her that she has no idea what this wonderful man has been doing to his family. I wanted to tell her that this wonderful, kind, gentle man doesn’t even send a single cent to his wife and 2 younger daughters.
I wanted to say,Lie, lie, all lies. The words were there right in my throat. I could almost feel them. But the words didn’t come out. They just stayed put in my throat.
I knew, I was nothing but a coward. I didn’t have the courage to humiliate my father in front of others. Besides, there was no point trying to explain to Shobha the true colours of Methran Thambi’s son. There was no way Shobha would have believed me.
So I sat there, watching my father enjoying all the attention he was receiving.

Shobha’s husband came with us to the lobby to see us off. It was a good thing. I didn’t have to worry about Appa leaving me in the lift. How would Methran Thambi’s son be able to do such a horrible act in front of Shobha’s husband?
I didn’t want to talk to Appa. So I looked outside.
“So what did you buy today?” I heard Appa asking
“Cloths” I replied
“Sarees?” Appa was looking at the sarees in the plastic cover
“For whom?”
I looked at Appa to see if he really thinks that I am stupid? Don’t I know he was waiting for me to say it was for Amma, so he can start another fighting session!
“For me” I replied looking at his eyes
“hmm” I mumbled.
“Tomorrow we will go to Al Ain” I heard Appa telling to Rafiq
Oh no, Is it going to be yet another self glorification event at somebody else’s house?I wondered
I had no intention of attending another dinner party and listen to how benevolent my father was.
“Al Ain?” I asked Appa
“Oh yeah. You would like it” Appa spoke
Oh yeah, do you have any idea what I like? I wanted to ask Appa. But there was no way I could ask him that.Not if I wanted to complete medicine. Again I kept quiet.
“We will leave at 9” Appa spoke to Rafiq
“Yes Boss” Rafiq answered.

Rafiq dropped us near the apartment entrance and we walked silently back home. I watched Appa checking his watch.
“too late” I heard him say
“For what?”
“The shop would have closed by now, other wise We could have borrowed a video tape.”
“hmm” I mumbled
“you have been ‘hmm’ ing a lot today eh?”
“hmm” I replied
Appa stopped in his tracks and was staring at me. Oh no, I broke the golden rule. I shouldn’t have said ‘hmm’ when he was already complaining about me ‘hmm’ ing.
My heart started to pound. Did I push my luck too far? I looked at his eyes for the answer. His eyes were small and I waited for the explosion. I cursed my own stupidity. What was I thinking anyway? That Appa is like Beautiful eyes and would understand the humor?
“Like mother, like daughter” I heard him mutter and he started to walk towards his apartment.
phew! at least he didn’t yell. I didn’t mind being compared to Amma. No yelling is anytime better than being compared to Amma.
Appa opened the door and I quickly went to my room. I didn’t want to be any were near my father, if I could help it.
I wanted to pack my bags, then I remembered I didn’t bring a suitcase with me. I didn’t want to spend the money Appa had given me to buy a suitcase. I knew Appa would have a suitcase that I could borrow.
Appa was in his room. His cupboard door was open and he was standing in front of the cupboard.
“Appa” I called
“Did you open my cupboard?” Appa was screaming
“No” I replied.
“Really?” He asked
“Really” I answered.
I knew I was sinking. I did open his cupboard to see if there is any evidence of arathu lady in the house. But I couldn’t tell Appa that? Could I?
“You didn’t enter my room?” He asked again
“I did” I replied
“For what?” Appa screamed.” Did your mother send you here to investigate? to check on me? Detective work? Tell me Nina, is that why you are here? Do you think I am stupid? Did you think I wouldn’t know you had some other reason to come here? You have another 3 more years to finish medicine and you wanted me to help you with your master’s degree!” Appa was walking towards me and I knew he might hit me.
“I entered your room to vacuum” I replied quickly.
“Why? Did I tell you to vacuum my room?”
“No you didn’t. The kitchen was dirty after I finished cooking. So I cleaned the kitchen and since I was cleaning the kitchen I thought I might as well clean the whole house. So I vacuumed your room.”
Appa was staring at me. I wondered how Appa knew that I entered his room. I had no idea.
“So why are you here Nina?” Appa asked
I stared at him. I knew I finally had the chance to get back at him for all the deceptions he has been weaving. Confidently I replied.
“Because I missed you Appa”

Selamat Hari Raya

Maaf Zahir Dan Bantin
Another Raya is here.
I miss my home.
I miss listening to the Selamat hari raya song over and over at the malls.
I miss attending all the Buka puasa celebrations.
I miss eating Ketupat and Rendang
I miss singing Balik Kampung, oh oh oh Balik Kampung.

I could never identify what makes me love Malaysia so much, Perhaps the youtube video link at the end of this post might give an idea.

Please note, Malaysia is multi cultural and a multi racial country.
We have Malays who are mostly Muslims, Chinese who can be Christians, Muslims or Buddhists and Indians who can be Christians, Hindus or Muslims.
(Apart from the three main ethnic groups, we also have Kadazans, Dusuns, Bajau’s, Ibans, Bidayus, Melanaus and Orang Asli’s etc.)

Being part of a multi racial country also means, understanding and accepting the cultural and religious aspects of each other.
Hari Raya is not complete without beef and this video might offend some of you.

But truly this is what Malaysia is all about. We are different, but live together in unity.
The video is about a family getting ready to celebrate Hari Raya(Eid), they bought the onion, made the ketupat,scrapped the coconut..got everything..except the main ingredient: Beef!
Kids go around looking to buy beef, can’t find any.
They finally find a Punjabi milk seller..

Petronas Hari Raya on You tube

Wishing you all peace and happiness on this Hari Raya