There are two dates that I do not remember.
When beautiful eyes passed on and when I lost my baby.
All I know is that he died during my semester Uni exam time.. and it was around end Jan, beginning feb..
I lost my baby 25 th birthday..Dunblane was around that time.. But the actual date.. I don’t know.
I could never remember either of the dates. Never wanted to remember..
I woke up thinking about Beautful eyes this morning.. wodering if he is still singing all those songs in Heaven..If he is still wearing his favourite hat?
I know I posted this song as my farewell for him..
I am posting it again.. cause he will know Why I like it so much and why the song reminds me of him so much.
Rest in Peace..


There are many kinds of bullying..we have all faced it one time or the other.
I remember this classmate of mine, who used to take immense pleassure in harassing me.
Being partially deaf, I had to sit in the first bench on the extreme end. Her modus operandi was , when I am immersed in a book( usually when the teacher has gone to the staff room or is absent), she would get everyone else sitting next to me to get up at the same time, resulting in the bench working as a seesaw and my butt getting massaged by the floor. It used to be so humilating to hear the rest of the class laughing. What perverse joy one must be finding to laugh at someone who fell down!
Now it is my poor baby’s turn to get harassed. She is in the same cohort as last year.. There are 4 girls that my daughter used to play with last year. This year, they decided that she can’t play with them anymore.
I told her to find a new friend.. ( I know it is easier for me to say that.. I can only imagine what my child goes through)
I don’t really know how to help her.. But I did remember reading somewhere years ago, a mother who faced a smiliar situation like me used to write jokes and puzzles on her child’s lunch bag, just to cheer her up and eventaully the whole class wanted to know what was the new puzzle or the joke each day.. Perhaps I will try that from Monday onwards.
Anyone else has any other suggestion?
* I moved the house..but not the school.The younger two still goes to the same school)

Moved the house

changed the phone number

and I was all set to walk away..( I hold a master’s degree in vanishing act..I have done it so many times!!)

Perhaps this is the first time, I actually thought if I am doing the right thing.. will I regret making my decisions later.. ( Normally I just do the things and regret at leisure!!!)

The fact that I need to write

and the fact that this blog is the only connection that I have with the rest of the what prevents me from shutting this down.. I can’t do it..

So here we are

School has started

Yaya joined high school, she is doing spanish immersion. On the first day of school I forced her to wear jeans, when she wanted to wear shorts, for I was worried that there may be hazing and didn’t want her to create a wrong impression amongst her peer group.. She was the only one wearing jeans!! the rest were in shorts..( and I didn’t know where to look when my daughter gave me THAT look..)

The biggest hassle as a single parent is trying to be in two different places at the same time. I missed toothless’s and baby’s first day at school as I had to take yaya to her new school..It was heartbreaking not to have been there for them..

Yaya now has to take the bus and also has to walk almost 2 km to the school from the bus station. She is directionally challenged like me and I am afraid to let her travel by herself..I know I have to let her do it..I will eventually let her..till that time comes, I will drop and fetch her to and from school

I am still jobless..I am perpetually in the highly overqualified or stupidly underqualified category..

I have not been reading much lately..because I was busy shifting the house..currently the house looks like Katrina has been given a free run inside..and I keep looking at all the boxes that needs to be opened and the stuff that needs to be put away and hoping that the magic fairy might come and just clear the mess..

i also found some of the books that I had brought from Canada when I was packing and am tempted to just lay down in my hammock and read..

I have a nice bottle of red wine chilling in the fridge..perhaps.. I will drink my wine and read my book and say to hell with the world..

I am still alive.. I can still read.. and when tomorrow comes and my life is still screwed up, I shall bitch about it here!!!!

I have been asked many times, how I cope with the fact that everyone who reads my blog knows what I have gone is all out there..
It was never easy..
I have created this wall around me, where I usually don’t let anyone in..
I also have the uncanny ability to just walk away..
Life doesn’t come with an erase I walk away..
It is never easy to walk away
I will be taking this blog off public domain on Monday.
Thank you all for being there when I needed someone..
Good Bye and Good luck


I have been thinking about heaven and hell..
the thing is, I know I have a PR visa to hell..till now I thought that was ok.. any way I was going to be in the company of many of my good friends.. so there was never any need to be concerned..
But this morning I realised
“hell, in hell my mother will also be with me”
Now that is something really scary.. is it not??
I now have to earn brownie points quickly for heaven entry.. a mammoth task, I must say..but the thought of spending my after life with my mother has made me realize that.. I will do anything to spare myself of that trauma..
A year ago, my mother was with me ..I had promised myself that I treat her with love and respect..and now..I don’t even know where she is..
The best thing I ever did was to walk away from my family. Life is peaceful..quiet..and am happy..
Now let me see how to get a PR to heaven!!!


Ashamed.. that probably was not the word I thought I would ever use to describe my feelings..
As you all know, I am strong willed, stubborn and I have a mind of my own.. so being ashamed was never part of my feelings..
yet that is exactly what I feel.
After driving from Brisbane to Melbourne and eating mostly sandwiches and pasta, kids and I really missed eating something spicy..and we decided to go to the nearest Indian restaurant and have dinner.
Yaya loves thali meal.
She looked at the menu, they had south Indian and North Indian thali..
She then looked at me and asked..
“Mama, which part of India, we are from? North or South?”
My 12 year old malayalee child doesn’t even know which part of India, she is originally from..
I take full blame..