Jina this is for you

10 honest things about me

1. I have a nasty temper.. it usually surfaces when I have PMS. I swear when I am angry and since I can’t use any swear words at home, I swap f*** off with ‘jumping jelly beans’ or ‘pink polka doted flying pig’. The rest of the month I am as calm as the ocean when Halcyon is laying its eggs.

2. I absolutely hate talking over the phone. My family knows that and will call me once in a while to make sure I am still alive. I also have the habit of letting the answer machine take the calls when I am not in a mood, which happens very often.

3. I do not like to argue or fight. So I can walk away from a very good friendship if that person did something to annoy me, even when it is a trivial matter that could have been easily settled merely by talking.

4. I still read Harlequin books. One book a day(minimum). It usually takes me an hour to finish reading the whole book. My children’s grandmother is also a Harlequin fan and sends me a whole box of books every month. I love to receive free books!!

5. I collect recipe books. Not the fancy pansy ones.. I like unusual books. My favourite ones are
Food of India by Carol Selva Rajah and Priya Wickramasinghe
SE Asian specialities published by Hf Fullaman
Home baking by Jeffrey Alford and Naomi Duguid.

6. I can have a closet full of clothes and still not have any clothes to wear when I need to go out. I find fault in all permutations and combinations of mix and match and end up wearing the same old torn jeans and t shirts.

7. I like a clean home, but go through periods of absolute chaos. Right now my bed room looks as though a Hurricane has just gone through it. I have been giving away books and things I won’t be taking with me and somehow ended up with stuff everywhere. I know I should clean it up..But it might take days for me to bring myself to do it.

8. I dream of owning my own restaurant. I like to cook and I want a job where I am the boss. I think of opening a small family friendly restaurant that opens only for lunch and dinner. ( I am not a morning person, so breakfast is out of the question)

9. I don’t eat breakfast. Never liked the idea of eating something in the morning. I have a cup of tea every morning. Sometimes I forget to eat lunch and by evening I end up being very hungry and cranky.

10. Oh the worst of me. I speed when kids are not in the car and if there are no other vehicles on the road. I love the feel of driving fast. ( I know the dangers of speeding)

I have always felt peaceful after I write, but I am not ready yet to go through issues that I have never forgiven myself..
I will continue the rest of the blog..give me time

“You are reading a NOVEL?” Shylaja was staring at me as though I was committing the worst crime on planet Earth.
“Yeah” Do you have a problem with that? I thought of asking her.
“You finished all the revision?”
“No? But..” She was suddenly lost for words.
I looked at her and smiled. I knew my smile would annoy her even more. But I just couldn’t resist.
“I will never understand you” She lifted her hands in mock surrender and stormed off.
I looked at the book in my hand. The cover had a picture of curly red ribbon pierced by a knife and a drop of blood was dripping from the tip of the knife.
Was that an ominous sign?
Am I deliberately destroying my life?
It occurred to me that I really need serious Psychiatric evaluation. How else can I understand why I do things the way I do? No sane student would read a novel less than three weeks prior to Internal exams. Everyone knows it is safer to score good marks in Internals than taking a risk in External exams. Internals are marked by our own college staff who knows you and would be much more lenient. It is not the same with externals, where your marks directly depend on the good mood of the person who is marking your answer sheet.
Ninakku muzhu vatta ” ( you are crazy). .
“madness runs in your father’s family” I could her Amma’s words.
Suddenly I was scared.
I was so close to achieving my dreams and I didn’t want to end up in a mental institution.
I got up quickly from my bed and opened my cup board. I kept the novel right at the back, underneath all my clothes. I didn’t want to see the book. I didn’t want the book to tempt me.
I closed the cupboard and leaned on it.
All I wanted at that moment was a break. Away from everyone and everything. I wanted to be stranded in an island with my books. I didn’t want money, I didn’t want fame. I just wanted to read. I imagined myself living in a remote island. I could watch the fish swim in the ocean. I could watch the storms coming in. I could watch the sunset and I could lay down in my hammock and read.
‘But you need food’ Sensible one spoke.
‘No problem, I would grow what I need’
She started to laugh.
‘Ok, I will have a boyfriend who has a green thumb. He can grow what veg we need’
‘Where are you going to find such a boy friend?’ She asked.
‘Don’t know. But I am sure there must be a guy who is like me somewhere on this earth’
‘Like you in what way?’
‘You know, someone who has insatiable curiosity, someone who likes to read, someone who can be happy with what he has, someone who can grow vegetables, because he knows I can kill any plants by my mere presence’
Sensible one was still laughing.
‘You laugh. But I know I will find him one day’
I walked to my bed and sat down. I looked at all the text books ( borrowed from seniors). I had so much to read and I was really suffering from serious case of starting trouble.
I took the Microbiology text book. Read the title, all the stuff written on the second page ie when was it published, how many revisions, publisher’s name etc etc.
Then i flipped the pages and noted the important sections the owner of the book had already highlighted.
Then I held the book in my hand to see how much it weighed approximately. Then I remembered the harvest festival at the Ascension church, Kottayam and how my favourite neighbour won the cake by guessing correctly how much the cake weighed. I had helped her carry the cake home, hoping she would offer me a slice of that orange colour iced cake. I had never seen an Orange colour cake until that day. All the caked sold at Best Bakery has white icing. Once I did see a yellow colour cake, but it was a wedding cake, so it is not counted.
She didn’t offer me a slice of cake.
I remembered walking back home cursing my stupid luck that didn’t tell me the exact cake weight. It I had guessed it correctly, I would have won the cake.
I remembered going to her house and telling her that I got admission to do medicine. She didn’t congratulate me. Instead she asked me, if I was doing the right thing by going to medical college with just two years of English education. She suggested that I should do BSc first and then apply for medicine.
I suddenly felt the urge to show her that with just two years of English education I could still do Medicine.
I opened the book and started to read chapter 1.
I studied till dinner time. I was just about to go to the mess when Anitha and all other mallu students walked in to my room along with Aparna and Shylaja.
“did you hear?” Anitha asked me
“Daddy is back”
“huh? I thought he is not writing the exams this time”
“Not that Daddy, the new one”
“new one? Which one?”
“That Naga guy, who owns that flashy bike. I heard rumours that he was in love with someone, that too from our college and she ditched him for another guy”

“Busy?” Arjun asked.
“No, not really”
“Want to eat something?”
I looked at him to see what exactly was going on? One minute he is pain in the… and the next minute he is an angel with a halo.
“Come, I will buy you dosai” Arjun perhaps saw the confusion on my face.
“It is ok. I will go to the mess and eat”
“Come on Nina, chal let us eat something. I am hungry. I missed breakfast this morning”
I should just leave. I should go to the mess and eat my lunch. I need to walk away from the guy. He is bad news for my mental health. I knew all that.
Arjun put his hand on the small of my back and guided me to the canteen.
“You go and find a place to sit. I will get the food. Masala Dosai and chai?” Arjun looked at me.
I walked towards the table at the back, I had to pass Ramesh. I hoped he wouldn’t see me. I felt guilty when he looked up and our eyes met.

My life sucked.
I never wanted to hurt anyone and all I was doing was hurting everyone. I didn’t want Ramesh to fall in love with me, but I had a strong feeling that he is in love with me. I felt nothing for him. Absolutely nothing. I didn’t want to hurt him, but there was no way I could reciprocate his feelings. He was a wonderful friend and that is all he would be to me.
Arjun came and sat in front of me. He had a Torino bottle in his hand and suddenly I was thirsty.
“Want some?” Arjun passed the bottle towards me.
I couldn’t resist.
I turned the bottle around, consciously avoiding the part where his lips would have touched and took a few sips and passed the bottle back to Arjun.
For so long I had dreamed about sharing a bottle of drink with the man I love. I thought it would be a mind blowing experience.
But I felt nothing.
I need to stop reading Mills and Boon. I thought bitterly.
I remembered my mother complaining about Appa’s idea of ‘Cinema style’ life. My father was a hopeless romantic and my mother was absolutely pragmatic. I was afraid that I was becoming like my father and was going to be disappointed and disillusioned with life.
Canteenwala brought the food and my tea.
I was hungry and i started to eat the dosai. I noticed Arjun had ordered poori masala. He took the chutney bowl out of my plate and started to dip the poori in the chutney.
“You are weird” I told him
“Why? Because I eat poori with chuutney?” Arjun asked.
I nodded my head.
“Have you ever tried?” “Here” Arjun tore a small piece of poori and dipped it in chutney.
I stared at him. What is he going to do? Feed me in front of all the medical students? Is he out of his mind?
Arjun kept the poori in my plate.
“Try it” He ordered.
I was relieved ( may be a little disappointed as well!)
I took the poori and ate it.
It was a very peculiar combination. Poori and coconut chutney.
“Like it?”
“No” I answered honestly.
Arjun shrugged his shoulder as though my response was wrong, as though I don’t know what is good for me and had no clue what I was missing.
I ignored the hidden message.
“So how is your revision coming along?” Arjun asked
“Good” I replied. I wanted to tell him the truth that I only started yesterday, but I knew he wouldn’t be happy with that reply.
“What is your guess for the main questions?” Arjun asked, then he turned and hollered
bhaiyya, one more plate of poori”
If the new arrivals to the canteen hadn’t seen us up until now, they all saw me after the way Arjun hollered.
I was the center of attraction. I looked down and concentrated on the remaining dosai in my plate.
“So what is your guess?”
I remembered Dr. Murthy.
I wanted to tell Arjun what the Pharm main question is going to be. at the same time, i didn’t want to tell him the Dr. Murthy told me the question. Nobody believed that I am capable of getting good marks on my own.
“I am sure cholinergics would be the main question this year” I told Arjun
“Cholinergics? No way. They asked that question two years in a row. There is no way they would ask that a third time”
“No Arjun, I think we should concentrate on Cholinergics?”
“Are you mad or what? Didn’t you hear me? They asked the question twice already. they won’t repeat it. You need to concentrate on other things. I am not studying Cholinergics, it is a waste of time”
You have to. Dr. Murthy told me Cholinergic is the main question. I wanted to tell him. I didn’t. Not because I was selfish. But because I was mad at him for belittling me every time.

Long story short.
I had trouble with my Lap top, had to retrieve the data from the hard drive and now the printer drive is EMPTY. I don’t know what I did neither do I know how to fix it.
I have a very ancient Raven PR 2417 printer that I absolutely love.( Ink doesn’t dry up!!)
I found this online
You can use a Panasonic kxp-1124 diver that is in Windows As a substitute for the Raven PR-2417.
But right now there is nothing, nada, zilch in the printer drive.
How do I fix it?
Can someone help me please?

Crazy as it may sound, I wanted to do something I haven’t done in my life and I figured I have never learned to make Pottery. There was one spot left for the pottery lesson this morning at the art gallery and I am going to learn to make pottery. The fear of making a fool of myself is still there, since this was a spontaneous decision, I haven’t had the time to ruminate and get all worked up.
Carpe Diem

Update: The story of the flying lump of clay!
I pressed whatchamacallit too hard and my clay spun and flew off the wheel.
It was a sight worth seeing.
My instructor is convinced that I work at NASCAR.
At the end of two hours, I was left with a pudding like mixture that at one time was a lump of clay.. My arms were covered with clay, But still it was fun. I had such a good time.

Yesterday night Yaya came to my room and said she can’t sleep.
All three of my kids go through these periods of finding it difficult to sleep. ( Apparently some gifted children have trouble sleeping.)
I have tried everything I know to help my kids to go to bed on time.
I am worried that they would be tired at the school if they don’t get enough sleep, besides I can’t go to bed till my kids are asleep.

I tried warm bath, warm milk, regular night time routines etc etc.. Nothing worked

Then my doctor suggested sending them for sports, that would make them physically exhausted. I followed his suggestion and registered them for swimming and skating. That is now turning out to be a mistake as well.
My kids are extremely intense. They keep pushing themselves because they are too impatient to go through the normal way of doing things.
Everything must be done in excess. There is no normal way to do things, be it swimming or a science fair project.
Last September I registered the kids to do Kumon Maths because I was concerned that they might find it difficult when we move to Australia and they have to skip a grade. I also thought it might be a good challenge for them.
In 4 months Yaya reached level G ( high school maths), her brother reached level E and baby reached level C.
In another year Yaya will finish all levels of Kumon (according to her instructor).
I am sure most you would be thinking this blog article is an extension of ego post or a post to boast about my children.
I am not.
I am so exhausted and I really don’t know how to raise gifted children. No one knows what I go through.
Each time I register the kids for an activity, I am so scared.
Because I am the one who watches them pushing themselves. I am the one who sees the anger and tantrums when things don’t go the way my children expect them to. I am the one who sees their frustrations and often I am the one who end up being battered emotionally.

Then there is this fear of after this what is next? Once they complete kumon where will I send them to keep them busy?
If i don’t keep them busy, then that is another headache.

There is also the fear of my children getting bored at school because they already know so much.

Last night I taught Yaya how to spell backwards. ( I do that when I can’t sleep and thought it might work for her). At 11.30 in the night I was too exhausted to keep awake and entertain a 10 year old.
Still I had to suggest words for my daughter to spell and also had to make sure she spelled it backwards correctly, I was so angry with her because she couldn’t simply think of a word to spell, but expected me to do it for her and expected me to check her answers.
She eventually spelled Harry Potter Order of Phoenix in one go without stopping which terrified me. (I can’t do it. I do one word at a time). She eventually slept after spelling all the months of the year, days of the week, names of Current Prime ministers from EU.

So here I am, still crabby, annoyed and angry, but mostly I am clueless. I feel I am doing everything wrong and am wrecking my children’s life.

I know it is a wishful thinking, but I just want a normal life ( Right now I don’t even know what is Normal)