Years ago, when I was planning to migrate to greener pastures, I had three choices. Australia, NZ or Canada.
Australia was the best of the three. Geographically closer, easier immigration dept, fair point system, shortest waiting period and least expensive.
But I didn’t want to migrate to Australia because I was against the govt policies that kept illegal immigrants in remote detention sites for years all in the guise of processing their application.
I didn’t want to go to NZ because I know not much of sheep farming! ( i think the sheep:human was 20:1)Just kidding. it was more to do with the per capita and GDP plus I felt between NZ and Canada, my children will have a better future in N. America.

When I came to Australia, it was meant only for a year. Just so the children and I could live in the continent, swim in the southern ocean..see a kangaroo etc.

Now here I am..whoring my ideologies..
I pay tax to a system that treat illegal immigrants like criminals..
sad eh?

Warning
this post is totally about me blowing my trumpet. Read at your own peril.

When I went to Canada and struggled finding a job and eventually started my own catering job, a lot of people mocked me..
Doctor doing catering business???
I always believed that so long as I earn an honest income, all is well
But it did hurt..the fact that I worked my ass off to become a dr and then ended up cooking food for money!

But i did learn a lot from my experience.. I learned to survive with the least possible amount of money, at the same time give my children the best possible childhood. I also learned to save money.( I actually had more money in the bank when I was jobless than when I worked. when I was working i spend every dime with nary a thought of tomorrow!

Hardest of all was to use second hand clothes. there was no way I could afford good jackets for three kids..so it was Talize and value village that came to my rescue..

This morning, I received news that I cleared the second hurdle to a position that pays 105k/year as my base salary plus perks..( now all that left is the immigration clearance!! which is in the final stage)
From nothing a year ago to 105 k Aussie dollars!!!
Can you see my grin?? My sisters used to call it my standard 70mm smile.
Yup. I am so bloody happy.. that I finally achieved what I was capable of achieving..
It took a while.. and Now I feel like I am on top of the world..
My daughter asked me what is the first thing I am going to buy..I told her Tesla..!! ( just kidding). Actually I promised the kids I will take them to all the Disney land..and I am going to do just that..
Right now, I am off to work..I still have do the job I currently have with qld health.

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
‘ Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!
Kipling.

11 years ago, you came in to my life..Turned my world upside down, taught me to expect the unexpected, changed my views, tested my patience, taught me patience and gave me love without any bounds.
Today you are 11..
Thank you for being you, though there are times I wanted to clobber you..you are still the best son a mother could ever have.
On your birthday I wish you happiness, laughter, love and good health..
Happy birthday Kokkubi

I woke up thinking of you and remembered this poem.
Remember?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death
Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I don’t know if many of those in my generation would have heard of Erma Bombek.I absolutely love her sense of humor.
She once said
“Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, “What light?” and two more to say, “I didn’t turn it on”
And being a mother of three kids, I can vouch that it is true.

My children’s grandmother gave me Motherhood, second oldest profession as gift many moons ago. I read the book every now and then when I feel intimidated being a mother.
Motherhood doesn’t come with any manuals. It is a learn as you go process and the worst is, you know you screw up most of the times and still hope that you haven’t done any irreversible damage to your children or that they are scarred for life.

Yaya is in love..
very much so.
Very normal for a child of her age too..

He is French ..

Years ago, I watched a nature documentary in which the mother bird literally kicks the baby bird out of the nest to teach it to fly. 2 out of three succeeds. the unlucky one learns about the gravity.

In my case, I know my baby bird has to fly out of my nest and find her own path in the grand scheme of life.. I am just not ready. i am terrified..

Yup.. all those zeros are correct.. that is the total number of songs my friends downloaded on to an external hard drive and gave me as a 40th birthday gift.

A friend of a friend ( x 10) worked for an internet company and downloaded all these songs from the mid 70’s to 2005.. all alphabetized.. ( He apparently got sacked when his company found out what he was up to..)

I think I mentioned before that Amma didn’t allow me to take my song collections when I left India, because my father had bought most of the tapes/cd’s and it belonged to the family..not me.. and since then I didn’t want to buy any more cd’s, cause I didn’t want another person to claim ownership later.

Some of the songs I haven’t heard for so many years…

Today I was listening to songs by blue.. Remember them? they used to be popular in early 2000.
Their song, “All rise” used to come often on Light and easy radio station…and my son must have been about 1 + at that time and used to dance when ever the song was played.
I remember him in a red snoopy singlet and huggies diapers, holding on to the couch and tapping his chubby feet. He had huge eyes then..typical undakkannu..he would be grinning and nodding his head and dancing..It was his favourite song.

He will be 11 soon..
time flies.

This post is not to extol my virtues as a mother.

it is not about comparing..

It is not about casting the proverbial stone.

I am writing because it is the only way I can get this off my shoulder.

Yesterday my son had a friend coming over to our house. They have been in the same class since we came to Australia.

Two days ago the mother of the child phoned me to ask
1. My ethnic background
2.my educational background
3.my financial background ( Do you live in your own house or rented!!)
4. How long I have been to Qld
5. Prior to coming to Qld, where all I have lived!!!
I was pretty tempted to tell her “get a life” and slam the phone down.
But my son really looked forwarded to having his friend over, so I controlled my temper.
She then wanted to know what games the kids will be playing? do we have a dog? Is there a swimming pool? Do I let the children out if it is sunny?
Ok.. this is really extreme I thought. My son was standing next to me and he literally pleaded, please mom, please don’t get angry..
I answered all her questions because I really love my son..

Anyway, finally she brought her son over to my house. Gave him a long list of what he is allowed to do in front of me, so I am aware.
She left.
My son asked if he and his friend could go for a bike ride.
As long as you have your helmet on and follow the road signs, it is fine by me. I replied.
Guess what..my son’s friend has never riden a bicycle in his life. He has never been to the beach. He has never been to a swimming pool. he is not allowed to play any electronic games..

I can’t actually explain my feelings..considering the fact that I probably am not a good role model as a mother and I certainly don’t have the right to judge another mother..but still I am upset..I don’t even know why I am upset. it isn;t my kid..and me getting upset isn’t going to change/alter his life..

But I have a smilar mother. We were not allowed to do cart wheel because a child of her friend died..after doing a cartwheel.. her intestines rolled on to the heart and prevented the heart from beating!!!..( I actually had to study anatomy before I figured what a big lie it was!)
I couldn’t go for swimming because I was already deaf and the water pressure would have burst my ear drum and made me even more deaf.
I couldn’t ride a bike because I was deaf and wouldn’t have heard a truck coming up from behind me, with full intention of ramming in to me and making me a pulp..
My oldest sister couldn’t swim because she was born with weak arms ( That idiot still believes it!!)

Honestly, the four of us would have never survived childhood if it wasnt for my mother..

She wants an ipod touch..
All her friends have an ipod touch.
So what? I asked
so I want an ipod touch she replied
and i told her,I want a Tesla
What? She asked
Imagine 0 to 60 in 6 seconds I replied
what? She asked
The car I replied
What car? She asked
Tesla car I replied
What does me wanting an ipod touch,
have to do with a car? she asked
Same thing I replied
What? she asked again
You have an ipod nano
and I have a Ford
When i get the Tesla,
you get the ipod touch. I replied
I hate you, she said
Nothing new I replied.

I know my son is exceptionally intelligent. But the things that he does drives me insane.

Last Saturday, he had to attend a Young Scholar program at the qld academy of science and maths. He had to be present at the center at 8 am with few of the stuff they had asked him to bring ( itemised and I printed it for him) and his lunch. He was to make his own lunch and take it.
I woke him up at 7.15
He walked around the house dazed!
Then he thought the chooks needed to fed. So he went out to feed the chooks. And he had so much fun feeding the chooks, so he decided to play with them. ( 7.40 AM)
I went out and asked him if he is going for the program and he looks at me bewildered..
‘what you mean? You know I love to attend the young scholar program” Then it struck him that he was running late.

He was still in his PJ!!
He runs inside, ask Yaya to help him get the stuff he needs to take, ask baby to make him a sandwich. Both of them ignore him.
He then gets mad at his sisters and is running helter skelter because he had no idea where any of his stuff actually are..
he grabbed a cheese bun from the freezer and hoped it will defrost by lunch time.

On the way to the academy I asked him why he does things like this.. it is not that he isn’t aware of the timings and that he really need to get things done.
he tells me, “mom i can only do one thing at a time and I get carried away”.

May be it is genetics..

This morning he ‘forgot’ to eat his breakfast. He was busy finishing up his autobiography that is due today.

I got him a planner beginning of the year, so he can be more organized.. it doesn’t work
I got him a watch.. so he can have a better understanding of time. Nothing good has come of it either.

He still does everything in the very last minute..he gets distracted so easily. He is so absent minded and yet he knows words that I have not even heard, he knows everything about WW2 aircrafts and even knows which page, in which book an article of a particular aircraft is..But he can’t do anything on time..

I am extremely competitive, but not in the usual way most people are. I never cared about the grades/marks others got. I was known to hand in empty sheets for the class exams when I was a med student because I couldn’t be bothered to sit down and write few pages of theory to please the prof/lecturer. I really had no desire to show the prof/lecturer that I know something ( isn’t that the reason for the class tests? to find out how much you know!!) I wasn’t interested in impressing the prof/lecturer.
But Uni exams were a different kettle of fish altogether. My competitiveness was that I wanted to pass the Uni exams in the first attempt and that my marks for uni exams are in the highest range..

Yaya is almost like me. She doesn’t really care what grades others got, she does work hard and worries much when it comes to class tests. She only accepts A’s and if she ever got a B, all hell will break lose. she is very systematic and make sure all her projects are done on time and is done well.

My son had a project to hand in last Friday. He waited until Thursday late evening to do his project.( he had 10 days to do the project)
He had to write about an animal from great barrier reef, the teacher had given him a set of questions as a guideline. He either had to talk or make a diorama. At 9 pm on Thursday, he felt making a diorama will be better than doing a talk. He had chosen leather back turtle and I asked him where is he going to get all the stuff he would need to make the diorama?..that too at 9 pm?. He said he could make them. I was tempted to clobber him..But I took a deep breath and told him..Although I am a firm believer of nothing is impossible, right now unless he owns a magic wand it isn’t really possible to make a diorama of leather back turtle.
Long story short..he decided to do the talk. He wrote the talk in 15 minutes, printed it and kept it on my table for me to have a look and went to bed.
I had a look at his project.
I was tempted to drag him out of the bed and make him re do the whole thing. It was such a shoddy work. but then I thought, this was his project and he needs to learn to do it.
He got a B.
I know, if I had helped him, he would have got an A.Isn’t it the mother’s job to help her children achieve greater heights?
Did I fail my son?
I could have nagged him to do his work. I didn’t
I could have forced him to sit down and do his work. I didn’t
I could have printed out the info for him. I didn’t
I could have sat with him and asked him if he wanted to do the talk or make the diorama. I didn’t
I could have helped him make the diorama and buy the supplies.I didn’t
and now I feel bad/sad..