Liza and I were standing in the balcony and drinking our morning coffee. Normally there would be a lot going on in our street during major festivals. I was a bit puzzled to notice that nothing extra ordinary was happening. Everyone seemed to have forgotten that today is Vinayaka Chathurthi.
“How is the cow doing?” I pointed to the house on the right side.
The cow in the house was something I had never seen until we started staying in Austin town. The family that lived across our house was raising a cow as part of their family. Most likely as an investment. There was always a demand for milk in Bangalore!
The house itself was built on a 30 by 15 site. And I have seen at least 4 kids, their parents and their grandparents living in that tiny house along with the cow!
“You didn’t know?” Liza asked
“know what?”
“Someone complained about the cow to the Municipality and now they have to pay fine”
“Fine for what?”
“Who knows?”
“You can’t keep a cow in a residential area” Amma spoke.
Amma was standing near the door and was looking at both of us. Then she came and stood next to us and watched the road in front of our house.
“That old man passed away last Tuesday” Amma pointed to the right side of the house
“Which old man?” I asked
“oh that one, the one who always took his grand children to school in the morning”
There were so many kids in our neighbourhood.
“Which one ma?”
“Oh ninneyum kondu thottu! look that house there, the one with black gate”
I looked to where my mother was pointing. I saw the house with the black gate, but I honestly couldn’t remember the old man who stayed there.
“You should have seen the crowd who came to attend the funeral ! You should have seen how much the old man’s son and daughter in law cried! As though crying will make the dead come back to life”
I thought of telling Amma that crying was a normal reaction.
“You know, when I die, I don’t want you to display my body for everyone to come and see and cry. you should cremate me right away”
“Cremate? Why?” I was surprised to hear my mother’s request.
pinney? Cremation costs less money. I don’t want my daughters to fight and argue as to who should pay for my funeral. I was told that there is a Hindu temple and they cremate the bodies of unknown, unwanted people. So you don’t even have to worry about my funeral. Just take my body there and tell them that you found my body in the street! understand?”
I was so angry with Amma. How dare she think that she would be a burden to us? How dare she hurt my feelings like this? Cremate her body? Then where would I go to pay my respects on all souls day?
‘Right, the respect you don’t show her now, you want to give when she is dead and gone? Hypocrite!’ Sensible one spoke.

I had so many reasons I could have given her for all the times I had been mean to Amma. But those were excuses, nothing but excuses. I knew that.
I knew I should respect Amma. She gave birth to me and she deserved that much. I promised myself that I would treat her well.
“Do you know which temple offer free cremation ma?” Liza asked
I stared at her, hoping she would shut up. I didn’t want to talk about cremation any more.
athu! ormayilla, I had read it in Deccan Herald some time ago Amma was stammering.
“Next time ma you need to remember all that. At least write it down in you diary You can’t expect us to go around and asking all the temple walas if you provide free cremation.”
Amma didn’t say a word and I saw Amma going back inside the house and I knew Liza hurt her feelings
“Why did you do that?” I scolded her
“Do what?”
“You know you hurt her feelings”
“Oh Nina! Don’t you get it? Amma was trying her drama queen stunt!”
“She wants us to feel sorry for her, so she says things like this to make you feel sorry”
If what my sister said was true, then my mother really succeeded in manipulating me, for I did feel sorry for her.
“Of course! Do you think she really wants to be cremated? it is all drama! The best thing to do is to agree with her and now she is the one who feels sorry, because she really thinks we are going to cremate her!”
“How do you know all these?”
“because I am SMART!” Liza grinned
“Shut up”
“you shut up”
“I said first, so you shut up”
We stared at each other for what felt like eternity. When we were young by now we would have pulled each other’s hair or at least kicked each other. The fact that we were not fighting physically clearly showed one thing.
That we finally grew up.

I had plenty of work to do today. First I had to tidy up the house before Anitha came for the visit.
Shalyam! Why did she want to visit my house of all the houses in Bangalore? I could have used the time to read something, instead now I have to clean the whole damn house.
I went back inside the house. Amma was sitting on my bed was doing some cross stitch.
“What are you stitching?” I asked Amma
“Oh, a cushion cover”
I looked at the pattern. Amma had got it from some orphanage run by catholic nuns in Thiruavalla. I remember her going all the way there because only they had the pattern she wanted.
“Didn’t you already make few cushion covers of this pattern?”
I remembered Amma making them when I was little and we used to use those cushions when we were staying in Kottayam. I hadn’t seen those cushions since we came to Bangalore. “What happened to those cushions ma?”
“oh it must be in the cupboard”
“Which cupboard?”
“oh Nina, I can’t remember. it will be there somewhere”
“You mean the ones you gave to Maria?” Liza came inside the house and was looking at Amma
“You gave those cushion covers to Maria? Why Amma?”
My blood was boiling. Everything was for Maria. Every damn thing was for Maria. Nothing for me.
“You know she likes to collect things like this” Amma tried to pacify me
“What about me Amma? Don’t I ever get anything that you made?”
“of course you will get. Who do you think I am making this for?”
“Really, you are stitching it for me?”
“Of course. I want to make a set of cushion covers for you. You can keep it in your clinic, you know for the patients to sit on!”
“Thank you Amma” I felt so pleased. I went back to the kitchen to wash my coffee cup and Liza followed me
“You idiot, you fell for her drama again. You think she is making that cross stitch for you? Maria already got 5 and she is making the 6th one for her.”
“No, she is making it for me”
“Want to bet? One burger and chocolate fudge ice cream at Corner house”
“Deal” I agreed.
I wanted to believe that my mother is not partial to Maria. I wanted her to open her eyes and see what Maria is doing. But I knew in my heart that I better save the money for the burger and ice cream.

I went to bed with a heavy heart. My life was a like honeycomb, every person in my life was kept in a cell like the one inside the honeycomb. It was the only way I could avoid chaos that would happen if people in my life met each other.
I had specific places(cells) for each person in my life. Everyone was present but no one mixed with each other.
There was a place for Appa, Amma, Maria, Liza and Sally and there was a place for Beautiful Eyes. Now where was I going to keep Arjun?
Deep in my heart I knew as each day went by that I have lost Beautiful Eyes.
Arjun could never replace him. That was true.
And there was no more places in my life for another person.
I didn’t love Arjun, yet I couldn’t afford to lose him. No one else who knows about my family would want to marry me.
snehicha hippiye….

How to like a guy you don’t love?

I remembered Amma telling me how her aunt asked her when she refused my father’s proposal.
parayedi ! avanu entha oru kuravu?”
“Is he not handsome?, Is he not educated? Is he not from a good tharavadu? Is he not rich?”
My mother didn’t have an answer.
And if I asked the same question about Arjun to myself, I knew I wouldn’t have had an answer either.
Perhaps this was my destiny. A life like my mother’s.

I would rather die than to live a life like my mother’s.
‘No, Nina, you can’t die. No one will marry your sisters if you killed yourself’ Sensible one spoke,
I pulled the pillow and tried to cover my ears so I can shut her out.
I wanted to sleep.
Sleep was the only salvation I had.
Perhaps my brain knew that and decided to deprive me of salvation.
I counted the sheep. It was no fun
I multiplied the number 2×2,4×4,8×8,64×64
I could only remember up to 4096. I tried to mentally multiply 4096 x 4096. I couldn’t.
I got up, switched on the light, found a pen from my backpack and looked every where for a piece of scrap paper. I couldn’t find any, so I wrote the numbers on my palm and used my palm as a paper.
Was my answer correct?
I had to divide 16777216 by 4096.
There was no more place on my palm to write the number. I tried to wipe off the numbers from my palm.
I heard footsteps and the sound of the door being opened.
Amma was staring at me.
“I heard the light being switched on. What are you doing?” Amma asked
“Nothing ma” I quickly hid my pen under my butt. I couldn’t tell my mother that I was up at 2 in the morning so I could calculate 4096 x4096.
Amma looked at the open bag in front of me and then she walked towards me.
“Show me your hands Nina”
Why does she want to see my hand? I didn’t want her to see the writings on my palm. Amma had forbidden us from writing on our palm,because she didn’t want the life lines to be obliterated.
I kept both my hands under my butt.
“Are you taking drugs?” Amma sounded so scared.
“Are you?”
“What? Why do you ask such dumb questions Amma?”
Then I realized my actions of trying to hide the pen and then my hands had given my mother ideas!
I could see the fear in my mother’s eyes and I felt so sorry for her.
“Dumb question Ah? Asking you if you are taking drugs is a dumb question Ah?”
“Oh Amma. I am not taking any drugs. I couldn’t sleep and I was trying to calculate and I got stuck. So I got up to calculate” “See” I showed my palm to her.
I couldn’t find the pen , so I got up to look for the pen.
“See” I found the pen and showed it to her.
njan pedichu poyi, ini athintey (drugs) kuravoodey alley ullu evidey!Amma whispered.
“No, ma don’t worry. I don’t take drugs and I have no intentions to take drugs”
“You know Mrs. Thomas? Her son is a drug addicted ah”
I thought of correcting Amma and tell her that it should be drug addict, but i knew at that moment my mother needed my support, not a lesson in English language.
“I am so worried about all of you. When Liza is 5 minutes late, I feel like I am suffocating. I can’t breath. What would I do if anything happens to any of you? pinney njan jeevichirunnitu entha karyam?
“Nothing will happen to any of us Amma”
“It is easy for you to say. Only when you become a mother will you now what a mother goes through”
“hmm” I mumbled.
For me tomorrow itself is a question mark, let alone the day I become a mother. I didn’t even want to think about me becoming a mother.
“Go and sleep ma”
Amma looked at my hand again and I waited for her to say that ninakku muzhu vatta.
“My father was like you. He used to get up in the middle of the night and calculate things like this. He also couldn’t wait till the morning to do it!” Amma spoke
“Hmm” Amma spoke
I was so glad to hear that. At least I had company in my mad world.
I watched Amma walking to her room
“Amma” I called
“hmm” She turned to look at me
“Can I sleep with you?”
I knew she was going to say something like kettichu vidan prayam ayi…
I grabbed my blanket and ran after her.
I couldn’t remember the last time I slept next to my mother. It felt so odd to hold her. But I tried to hold her.
“Oh Nina, take your hands off my body. I can’t breath” Amma spoke.
I took my hand away.
Amma’s pillow smelled of a mix of Godrej hairdye the kohinoor rose hair oil.
I remembered Ammachi and her neela brungathi hair oil.
Some where in Chengannur there is a woman staying alone, trying to toil the land so her son and his daughters would inherit something worthwhile.
Toiling and living a life for others while forgetting to live.
A life like mine.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today we celebrate our Thanksgiving day.
As usual I think of all the things I am Thankful for.
The list is long. Very long!
But here are the things I find most important.
I am thankful for my children, my family and my friends.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Monday is a holiday !!!!
See ya all on Two’s day.*

*( Winnie the pooh)

Until now I never hesitated to lean on or hold Arjun when he rode the bike. It was either to save my face from bugs or saving my body from being thrown out of the bike when he took a sharp turn. But right now I wasn’t comfortable to hold him as he rode the bike. I held on either side of my seat hoping he won’t take any sudden turn.
“Would your mom scold you for coming home late? Do you want to come and stay at my place?” Arjun turned his head and asked.
I contemplated if I should take up his offer and stay at his place. But then what excuse was I going to give to Arjun’s folks when they know that my mother is staying in Bangalore? I was surely between the devil and the deep blue sea. I didn’t want to face Amma, I also didn’t want to lie to Arjun’s parents. But beyond all that I think I was hesitant to stay with Arjun. The kiss changed all the equilibrium.
“Nah, she will be fine”
I hoped Amma would only start the yelling session after Arjun left.
Arjun parked the bike near the gate and I got off.
“Goodnight, Will I see you tomorrow?” Arjun asked
“Goodnight, I don’t know.”
I didn’t want Amma to see me standing there and talking to Arjun. She looked for any excuse to fight with me
I opened the gate and walked up the steps.
it was odd, normally Arjun would zoom off as soon as he dropped me home. I waited and waited for the sound of his bike leaving. I looked back when I reached the top of the stairs and Arjun was still there near the gate, looking at me.
“Go” I hissed
In the next moment I heard the door opening and Amma looking downstairs to see who I was with, rather who dropped me home. Arjun saw Amma looking and he started the bike and zoomed off. Idiot! Now Amma would think we did something, otherwise why would he zoom off withiut even say hi to Amma.
Amma looked at me from top to bottom. I felt my lips were swollen and any minute Amma would know I kissed Arjun
“Why are you late?” Amma asked
I was afraid to look at Amma.
“Sorry ma” I whispered
“Sorryo?. I asked you why were you late?”
Amma was blocking my way
“move ma, my bag is heavy” I pleaded hoping she moould feel sorry for me for holding such a heavy bag and move aside
parayedi nee evidarunnu ethrem neram?”
“I went out with Arjun Ok?”
pezhacha thanthedey pezhach makal” Amma spoke
Everything is my father’s fault. There is nothing wrong with my mother according to her. How dare she. I was so angry with her
“Look who is talking” I snapped
“What did you say?”
“I said look who is talking? You don’t understand English? or you thought I was deaf and dumb and blind and never noticed what you were up to?”

Amma was stunned for a moment and I pushed her to the side gently and entered the house.

I didn’t want it to end like this. Today didn’t turn the way I envisaged. I had not planned to go to the dhaba, I didn’t plan to get drunk and most of all I had no plans to get kissed. And I was sorry. But my mother was always making me a take defensive stand.
It felt horrible because on one side I was feeling tremendously guilty and on the other side I enjoyed the kiss.
I felt even more guilty for liking the kiss.
And now I hurt my mother. I didn’t want to throw the dirt back on her. I knew what kind of a life she had and why she did what she did. I never had the right to judge my mother.
I waited for the barrage of curses.
Amma never lost an argument.
I watched Amma turning off the light in the toilet and walking slowly back to her room. She closed the bedroom door gently and I still stood where I was. Because I was lost.
I wanted her to curse me. because I was wrong and I wanted Amma to punish me.
I didn’t want her to go to bed with a heavy heart. What if she gets a heart attack in the night because her heart was so heavy.
What will happen to my sisters and I if anything happened to Amma?
Who do we have in this world?
We are too old to even go to an orphanage!
“Amma” I walked up to her room and knocked at the door gently
She didn’t reply
“Amma” I tried to open the door.
It was locked.
“Amma” I called louder
“Go away Nina, leave me alone”
“Amma, I am sorry”
I waited there for a long time hoping Amma would know that I am genuinely sorry and will open the door and talk to me.
She didn’t.
She left me alone with my guilt.
But the thing was, a part of didn’t think kissing a boy was wrong.

“You know, I wanted to take you somewhere, but it would have been better tomorrow” Arjun spoke
“hmm” I mumbled. Arjun looked at me puzzled
“Where?” I asked quickly before we started another fight.
I wasn’t sure if I was drunk and hence I didn’t show much enthusiasm or that I really didn’t care where he wanted to take me to.
“There is a lake near my home”
I though of telling him that I knew that and there is nothing so special about the lake near his house. It is just like any other lake. A lake is a lake. But I was too tired to talk.
“My father used to take us there when we were little on Vinayaka Chathurthi”
“Ok” I spoke
“You want to go there?”
The ride from Koramangala to Jayanagar was uneventful if you didn’t count the fact that we were almost hit by a bus. As usual it was the fault of the bus driver who never went to a driving school and learned proper driving.
Dissociation must have been in full swing. or was it a combination of alcohol induced adrenaline rush? What ever it was, nothing affected me. It was as though the real Nina and the one sitting behind Arjun were separated by some invisible wall.
Eventually Arjun parked the bike by the side of a house we both got off.
chal” Arjun lead the way.
There were children playing cricket in the street.
I noticed the group of women talking and walking briskly.
There was an old man wearing shorts walking next to his wife who was holding a leash and I couldn’t figure out if it was a Pomeranian or some other breed.
I remembered Amma always wanted a dog.
Perhaps when I pass MBBS and earn some money.
I noticed the bright sodium vapour lamp and the grass by the side of the lake
There was something about the green colour of the grass under the yellow s light. It looks as though someone had painted the grass with a very light golden paint. The last time I noticed the yellow gold tinged green grass was when I was 12 years old and I had taken my sisters to the park in Kottayam. We waited for the crowd to leave, so I could go on the swing. Children over 10 weren’t allowed to go on the swing. We played till I noticed that it was very dark and we were the only people in the park.
There was only light on in the park near the main gate and there was hardly any light near the play ground. I should have been petrified of being alone in a park with my younger sisters. But as I held my sisters hand and started to walk towards the main gate, I noticed the grass under the yellow street light. It felt as though I was in some magical wonderland. A wonderland created just for me and my sisters. I was even sure there were fairies hiding inside the flowers and watching us.
I had my sisters and they had me and I knew nothing untoward will happen to us.
“You seem to be deep in thought” Arjun spoke.
“nah” I lied
“want to sit down?”
Arjun took off his jacket and placed it on the floor and we both tried to sit on the jacket.
“You are fat” Arjun spoke
“Not as fat as you” I replied
“Is funny your word of the day”
“This is the second time you used the word funny today”
“funny” Arjun said again
“get lost”
Arjun didn’t reply. We watched the lake in silence.
“You see those lights there?” Arjun pointed across the lake
“there is a road there”
“My father used to bring us here after immersing the Ganesha in the water. We sit here and watch the processions coming down the road. My mother would make the modak and we all sit here, eat the modak and watch the lights from the procession. You know how beautiful it is? you can hear the sound of the drums and see the lights and feel the magic in the air. It is so magical”
I turned to look at Arjun.
I had never known him to feel anything magical.
There were so many things I wanted to do in my life. But in that list of things to do I had never thought, never imagined, never expected a kiss.
A Kiss to seal a magic moment.

There was a sudden lull in motion and I opened my eyes to see what was going on.
“You were sleeping” I heard Arjun speak
“No, I wasn’t”
“Yes you were. I could hear you snoring”
I noticed we were in front of the Dhaba in Koramangala. Arjun parked the bike and I got off. I smacked his head playfully and spoke
“Yeah right. I never snore”
“How do you know that?”
“know What?”
“That you don’t snore”
Oh that was a tricky question. How do I know that I don’t snore in my sleep. I never liked to lose an argument. Never.
“Because so far no one has complained”
“Oh?” I saw the questioning look in Arjun’s eyes and I knew what he was thinking
“If I snore, Aparna or Shylaja would have said something nah?”
“hmm” Arjun mumbled.
Suddenly George and the anonymous letter came to my mind. The letter was send so many months ago, but the effect still lingered. I was declared guilty even before a trial and I knew I will spend the rest of my life trying to convince everyone of my innocence.
Reductio ad Hitlerum, Nah it should be Reductio ad Georgenum.

“What do you want to eat?” Arjun asked
How dare you ask me what I want to eat, when you can’t even afford me a basic trust. I wanted to ask Arjun that.
Instead I stared at him. hoping fire would spew forth my eyes and reduce him to ashes. Alas such powers were only given to Gods.
The waiter was shuffling his feet as though he wanted us to know that he had other important things to do than stand by out table and wait for us to make up our mind.
I thought of making him wait some more. It is his job to wait right? Besides I have always given him a generous tip every time we came to eat here. So he better wait.
‘No Nina, you have no right to treat him like that’ Sensible one spoke.
I didn’t like to admit, but she was right.
“Roti and dal” I spoke
“Subji?” Waiter asked
“Aloo ghobi” I replied
“Beer?” Arjun asked
“Sure” I replied
kudichu kudichu anggu marikkam!
“Give me a sec” Arjun got up. I saw him walking up to the counter and buying a pack of cigarette. He took a cigarette out, borrowed the lighter from the guy at the counter and lit the cigarette.
He then came and sat in front of me.
“Do you want to smoke?” Arjun passed the cigarette to me
“No thanks”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to smoke. Do you know what Dr. Johnson wrote about cigarette?”
Arjun shook his head
“A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and fool at the other end”
“Funny! Who is Dr Johnson?” Arjun asked
“He was a great english writer, he wrote a dictionary..”
Before I could complete Arjun Asked
“Dictionary? What is the big deal about writing dictionary? You call a dictionary writer, a great writer? come on Nina, anyone can write a dictionary!”
I considered taking the beer bottle and smacking his head. How do you explain to someone who just can’t see the greatness in others? It takes a great man to write a dictionary of english language.
Since I couldn’t hit Arjun with the bottle I decided to hit the bottle. I must have been thirsty too. But I had not forgotten the last time I had ‘women chipping rocks in my head’. So I was very very careful this time. I ate the food and drank the beer. No beer on empty stomach.
Arjun was talking about his friends and I laughed every time he laughed and nodded my head every time he looked at me.
I was trying to remember alcoholic intoxication.
I tried to remember all the stages of alcohol intoxication.
Dizzy, delirious, drunk and finally dead.
If I didn’t die of alcohol, I realized, I surely would die when I go home and meet my mother.
Why do I never think before I do something drastic?
“Shall we go?” Arjun paid the waiter.
“No” I can’t go home now. Amma would know that I drank beer.
“my mother will kill me if I go home now”
“So what do you want to do?”
“Don’t know”
chal I know where we can go”
“ok” I didn’t bother to ask where he was going. I didn’t want to face my mother right now.

Ellathineyum konnu kuzhichu moodan thonnunnu… Every single one of them including George,Amma, Appa, chechy, Liza, Sally, Arjun, Rupesh, Anitha…
sho the list was never ending.
There were too many people I wanted dead.
Is there something wrong with me? Is that why I can’t get along with people?
ini chilappol enikku muzhu vattano?
I could hear Amma saying
ninakku muzhu vatta”
That indeed was a scary thought.
How was I going to find out if I really was a mental case?
It isn’t like finding out if you have Malaria or Typhoid…
How do you find out if you are a mental case? There were tangible signs to identifymadness, was there?
Unless you count talking to the sensible one. But if I don’t want to, I can always not talk to sensible one. Right?
‘Right’ She said.

My back pack was hurting my back, so I kept it on the floor in front of me and looked around the bus stop. There were so many students going back home for the festival. Everyone was busy talking and teasing each other.

I was invisible. No one talked to me and I didn’t bother to talk to anyone.

“Bus coming” I heard someone yelling. Suddenly everyone started to push and shove and I moved to the side. There was no particular reason I wanted to be home early. The reverse was true.
The bus was already too crowded and it didn’t even stop.
The next two buses didn’t stop in front of our college either.
Usually there were long queues of autos in front of the hospital, not today. There was not a single auto at the stand.
Everyone was desperate to go back home and perhaps the auto drivers too knew it. Every auto that stopped by after dropping patients at the hospital was asking for double fare. I watched the students haggling with the auto drivers. I didn’t even have money to pay single fare, so there was no need to consider taking an auto.
Eventually one bus did stop.
All the future doctors suddenly transformed to people I didn’t recognize. Boys were shoving the girls away and I don’t think any of them remembered manners dictate ‘ladies first’.
Eventually the girls too started to push and shove.

I decided to wait for the next bus.
Should I actually go home?
I had to. I wouldn’t know what bondatharam Amma would be saying to Anitha. Knowing my mother anything is possible.
I heard a very familiar bike sound and I turned to look at the main gate.
Oh Oh.
I didn’t want him to see me. So I pretended to look at my toes.
I should have taken the bus. Everyone managed to get in nah? Me and my stupid ideas.
Even if I didn’t take the bus, I could have at least taken a book from my bag, at least I could pretend that I was lost in my book.
The bike was coming towards me and I knew I will soon have to look up and notice the rider, (my neck was hurting too)though I wasn’t sure when to look up.
Arjun stopped the bike in front of me, took his helmet off and ran his fingers through his hair. He was looking at me and I was looking at him
I was angry with him but somehow there was something about the way he was looking at me. I could see the pain in his eyes.
He didn’t deserve that.
He did so much for me
Somewhere at the back of my head Rafi was singing
“Aankhon Hi Aankhon Mein Ishara Ho Gaya”
I smiled.
I saw the relief in Arjun’s eyes. He too smiled
“Sorry” I whispered.
“You have a temper”
I thought of asking him ‘you only knew that now?’. But I didn’t want to start another fight besides Rafi was singing loudly in me head.
“Why are you grinning?” Arjun asked
I didn’t want to tell him that Rafi is singing in my head. I had to be very careful, otherwise people might think that I am a mental case.
“I am not grinning”
“Yeah, come let us go”

Arjun rode the bike like a maniac on Hash!.
I made a mental note to write a letter absolving Arjun from all responsibilities in the event we had an accident and I got killed. I didn’t mind dying, but I didn’t want Arjun to go to jail.
It was getting dark and there were lots of bugs on the road. I leaned on Arjun’s back hoping to use his body to protect my face from the bugs. It felt so good to lean on him and I closed my eyes.

There is only so much I can take

This morning I yelled at my son for such a trivial matter.( he was annoying his sister as usual and I forgot about my ‘fight your own battle’ rule)
As a mother I have the responsibility to ensure that my child goes to school with a happy frame of mind, just as I have the responsibility to ensure that they have healthy snack and lunch.

I woke up at 6 and baked bread, kebabs and made salad and I yelled at my precious son.
What was the point in sending healthy lunch when I couldn’t even send my child to school with a happy mind?
I was actually taking out my frustrations on my son. He didn’t deserve that and I know that. But there is only so much I can take. It isn’t easy to ignore a lot of things and pretend that everything is fine.
I do not have a blog to make anyone happy.
Like I have said so often. This blog is the only means for me to unload the burdens that I carry. I don’t expect anyone to believe my story, but the least you can do is to leave me alone, so I can get on with my life.
I deserve that much.
I have so often wanted to implement comment moderation. But freedom of expression is something I believe strongly.
Please, I request from the bottom of my heart, stop hurting me.