There is only so much I can take

This morning I yelled at my son for such a trivial matter.( he was annoying his sister as usual and I forgot about my ‘fight your own battle’ rule)
As a mother I have the responsibility to ensure that my child goes to school with a happy frame of mind, just as I have the responsibility to ensure that they have healthy snack and lunch.

I woke up at 6 and baked bread, kebabs and made salad and I yelled at my precious son.
What was the point in sending healthy lunch when I couldn’t even send my child to school with a happy mind?
I was actually taking out my frustrations on my son. He didn’t deserve that and I know that. But there is only so much I can take. It isn’t easy to ignore a lot of things and pretend that everything is fine.
I do not have a blog to make anyone happy.
Like I have said so often. This blog is the only means for me to unload the burdens that I carry. I don’t expect anyone to believe my story, but the least you can do is to leave me alone, so I can get on with my life.
I deserve that much.
I have so often wanted to implement comment moderation. But freedom of expression is something I believe strongly.
Please, I request from the bottom of my heart, stop hurting me.

18 thoughts on “There is only so much I can take

  1. No matter what they tell us
    No matter what they do
    No matter what they teach us
    What we believe is true

    No matter what they call us
    However they attack
    No matter where they take us
    We’ll find our own way back

    I can’t deny what I believe
    I can’t be what I’m not
    I know I’ll love forever
    I know, no matter what

    If only tears were laughter
    If only night was day
    If only prayers were answered
    Then we would hear God say

    Chorus

    And I will keep you safe and strong
    And shelter from the storm
    No matter where it’s barren
    A dream is being born
    No matter who they follow
    No matter where they lead
    No matter how they judge us
    I’ll be everyone you need
    No matter if the sun don’t shine
    Or if the skies are blue
    No matter what the end is
    My life began with you

    I can’t deny what I believe
    I can’t be what I’m not
    I know, I know
    I know this love’s forever
    That’s all that matters now
    No matter what

  2. Abraham: Thank you, Thank you so very much. I needed that song more than anything at this moment..
    My oldest baby was due on oct 7th. She or he would have been a teenager this year.. Some years the pain just won’t go away..

  3. Hey Sarah,
    I Cannot understand your pain of losing one but you still have two precious little beings. You are being a wonderful mother to them 🙂

  4. Sr: when you carry a baby in the womb, talk to it every single (awake) moment, sings songs for it, think only happy thoughts because you really didn’t want the baby to be affected by sad thoughts..then you lose it because you didn’t have money to buy proper shoes and slip on the snow..you will never be able to forget it..You keep asking was it a boy? would he have been like toothless? Would he have driven me nuts like his brother or was it a girl? Would she have been a talented artist like Yaya or a computer guru like baby?
    When you have a miscarriage there is never a closure..
    I am grateful for the three kids I have.. but I can never forget the one I lost..

  5. I can never have a baby and now I live with that fact and it makes life more lonely and endless. It was probably one of the reason I kept coming back to your blog to read on kids and motherhood. Did not mean to hurt you in any way. Take care

  6. Sarah…i feel your pain…its something we can never forget…the feeling of losing a being you have loved so much more even before we held it…
    all i can say is…that child was taken away for a reason…that child is right now your angel…looking over you and comforting you..
    negative comments are nasty and hurt you…you are strong..but still a human…but sometimes…igore them sarah…for your own sanity…
    keep going..if this means you need closure!!!!
    god bless

  7. hi sarah –
    seriously. losing your cool once in a way is not so wrong. and trying to shield a child from all the small bad’s may be wrong too. becos that is the only way he will understnd that others like him have feelings!
    or am in wrong?

  8. Thought I’ll share a poem written by a friend of mine. In fact , I have lost touch with her completely. I wish I could contact her. Here’s the poem : –

    An ode to my little one!
    ————————–
    Like a seed waiting to sprout
    And feel the glory of life renewed
    to grow within and then burst out
    to be connected to me and then let go

    I waited for you
    Never knew you wouldnt come

    To put you in the arms of night
    make u feel the peace of sleep
    I saved the finest dreams and fairy tales
    To feel the tiny fingers wrapped in mine
    As u take your shaky step
    Just one at a time

    I waited for you
    Never knew you wouldnt come

    As I cruised down the path of life
    thot I’d talk to you of it one day
    Savoured the little skills I knew
    And dreamt of teaching them to you

    I waited for you
    Never knew you wouldnt come

    Cherished the feminine within me
    Carried a womb for a life to be
    Someday u will come I thot
    Living in me like a pea in a pod
    I waited for you
    Never knew you wouldnt come

    All I had was love for you
    A desire to feel your skin so soft
    To sing and croon and make u smile
    To sit by you while u played
    To feel the pride but never say

    I waited for you…….
    And ……
    You never came !!

  9. Ceena: Somehow when I read your comment, Tagore’s poem came to mind.
    “There is a point where in the mystery of
    existence contradictions meet;
    where movement is not all movement
    and stillness is not all stillness;
    where the idea and the form,
    the within and the without, are united;
    where infinite becomes finite,
    yet not losing its infinity.”

    Rosie:Thank you

    Maddy: I remember sitting down in my school class romm, not being able to listen to the teacher, for my mind was restless and full of fears.
    I don’t think my parents ever understood how much their quarrels, arguments and curses used to affect their children..

    Sending a child to school after yelling and then not saying sorry isn’t right..Children don’t deserve to go to school with a heavy heart..They should go with a happy heart..
    Yelling at the kids is a normal process here.. but I do try not to do so before they go to school..

    Rajesh: there are no words to describe how beautiful that poem is..Thank you for sharing it.

  10. I don’t think you should bother about people doubting what you write here. Basically you or any person writes for his/her’s satisfaction.

    Nice poems in the comments section btw!

  11. sarah i think ive told u this before this is YOUR blog you can WRITE WHAT YOU WANT such ppl will always be there dont bother continue writing your lifestory’s inspiring for many young people who are dejected in life…carry on lady forget wat the cynics tell you

  12. sarah : this world is not a very good place… u have to be stronger than this … k?
    ‘ve been reading u for more than a year now… and now when i read u, it is like reading someone close to heart…
    there are a lot of us out here for you… don’t be sad… we love you

    Tessie

  13. Sarah – its okay that you yelled at him. Easier said, I know.
    Also, children forgive easily. By the time he is back from school and you both talk and he finds the warmth in your voice, everything would be back normal.
    Three days from now, you might loose your cool and yell at Yaya. It happens.

    But I do beleive that there is a differece, if you register in your mind that you did yell, your baby didnt deserve it and you are apologetic. When the love is expressed and the mother-son duo can see through it, all these would be cease to be a problem in the larger scheme of things.

    (My son is only two now and I know I might have to eat my own words when he grows.) 🙂

    As for the trolls, &^&%^$%#$@#. Stupid idiots with so much time in their hands.

  14. Sarah, i've been reading your blog for quite sometime now. Today i thought of sharing something nice…maybe u've have read it…

    While a man was polishing his new car, his son picked a stone & scratched lines on the side of the car.
    In anger, the man took the child's hand & hit it many times, not realizing he was using a wrench.
    At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father….with painful eyes he asked 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?'
    Man was so hurt and speechless. He went back to car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions…… sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches, child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'. The next day that man committed suicide. . .

    Always remember that: Things are to be used and people are to be loved, but the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are loved…….

    best regrds…

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