Ellathineyum konnu kuzhichu moodan thonnunnu… Every single one of them including George,Amma, Appa, chechy, Liza, Sally, Arjun, Rupesh, Anitha…
sho the list was never ending.
There were too many people I wanted dead.
Is there something wrong with me? Is that why I can’t get along with people?
ini chilappol enikku muzhu vattano?
I could hear Amma saying
“ninakku muzhu vatta”
That indeed was a scary thought.
How was I going to find out if I really was a mental case?
It isn’t like finding out if you have Malaria or Typhoid…
How do you find out if you are a mental case? There were tangible signs to identifymadness, was there?
Unless you count talking to the sensible one. But if I don’t want to, I can always not talk to sensible one. Right?
‘Right’ She said.

My back pack was hurting my back, so I kept it on the floor in front of me and looked around the bus stop. There were so many students going back home for the festival. Everyone was busy talking and teasing each other.

I was invisible. No one talked to me and I didn’t bother to talk to anyone.

“Bus coming” I heard someone yelling. Suddenly everyone started to push and shove and I moved to the side. There was no particular reason I wanted to be home early. The reverse was true.
The bus was already too crowded and it didn’t even stop.
The next two buses didn’t stop in front of our college either.
Usually there were long queues of autos in front of the hospital, not today. There was not a single auto at the stand.
Everyone was desperate to go back home and perhaps the auto drivers too knew it. Every auto that stopped by after dropping patients at the hospital was asking for double fare. I watched the students haggling with the auto drivers. I didn’t even have money to pay single fare, so there was no need to consider taking an auto.
Eventually one bus did stop.
All the future doctors suddenly transformed to people I didn’t recognize. Boys were shoving the girls away and I don’t think any of them remembered manners dictate ‘ladies first’.
Eventually the girls too started to push and shove.

I decided to wait for the next bus.
Should I actually go home?
I had to. I wouldn’t know what bondatharam Amma would be saying to Anitha. Knowing my mother anything is possible.
I heard a very familiar bike sound and I turned to look at the main gate.
Oh Oh.
I didn’t want him to see me. So I pretended to look at my toes.
I should have taken the bus. Everyone managed to get in nah? Me and my stupid ideas.
Even if I didn’t take the bus, I could have at least taken a book from my bag, at least I could pretend that I was lost in my book.
The bike was coming towards me and I knew I will soon have to look up and notice the rider, (my neck was hurting too)though I wasn’t sure when to look up.
Arjun stopped the bike in front of me, took his helmet off and ran his fingers through his hair. He was looking at me and I was looking at him
I was angry with him but somehow there was something about the way he was looking at me. I could see the pain in his eyes.
He didn’t deserve that.
He did so much for me
Somewhere at the back of my head Rafi was singing
“Aankhon Hi Aankhon Mein Ishara Ho Gaya”
I smiled.
I saw the relief in Arjun’s eyes. He too smiled
“Sorry” I whispered.
“You have a temper”
I thought of asking him ‘you only knew that now?’. But I didn’t want to start another fight besides Rafi was singing loudly in me head.
“Why are you grinning?” Arjun asked
I didn’t want to tell him that Rafi is singing in my head. I had to be very careful, otherwise people might think that I am a mental case.
“I am not grinning”
“Yeah, come let us go”

Arjun rode the bike like a maniac on Hash!.
I made a mental note to write a letter absolving Arjun from all responsibilities in the event we had an accident and I got killed. I didn’t mind dying, but I didn’t want Arjun to go to jail.
It was getting dark and there were lots of bugs on the road. I leaned on Arjun’s back hoping to use his body to protect my face from the bugs. It felt so good to lean on him and I closed my eyes.