Until now I never hesitated to lean on or hold Arjun when he rode the bike. It was either to save my face from bugs or saving my body from being thrown out of the bike when he took a sharp turn. But right now I wasn’t comfortable to hold him as he rode the bike. I held on either side of my seat hoping he won’t take any sudden turn.
“Would your mom scold you for coming home late? Do you want to come and stay at my place?” Arjun turned his head and asked.
I contemplated if I should take up his offer and stay at his place. But then what excuse was I going to give to Arjun’s folks when they know that my mother is staying in Bangalore? I was surely between the devil and the deep blue sea. I didn’t want to face Amma, I also didn’t want to lie to Arjun’s parents. But beyond all that I think I was hesitant to stay with Arjun. The kiss changed all the equilibrium.
“Nah, she will be fine”
“Sure?”
“yeah”
I hoped Amma would only start the yelling session after Arjun left.
Arjun parked the bike near the gate and I got off.
“Goodnight, Will I see you tomorrow?” Arjun asked
“Goodnight, I don’t know.”
I didn’t want Amma to see me standing there and talking to Arjun. She looked for any excuse to fight with me
“Bye”
I opened the gate and walked up the steps.
it was odd, normally Arjun would zoom off as soon as he dropped me home. I waited and waited for the sound of his bike leaving. I looked back when I reached the top of the stairs and Arjun was still there near the gate, looking at me.
“Go” I hissed
In the next moment I heard the door opening and Amma looking downstairs to see who I was with, rather who dropped me home. Arjun saw Amma looking and he started the bike and zoomed off. Idiot! Now Amma would think we did something, otherwise why would he zoom off withiut even say hi to Amma.
Amma looked at me from top to bottom. I felt my lips were swollen and any minute Amma would know I kissed Arjun
“Why are you late?” Amma asked
I was afraid to look at Amma.
“Sorry ma” I whispered
“Sorryo?. I asked you why were you late?”
Amma was blocking my way
“move ma, my bag is heavy” I pleaded hoping she moould feel sorry for me for holding such a heavy bag and move aside
“parayedi nee evidarunnu ethrem neram?”
“I went out with Arjun Ok?”
“pezhacha thanthedey pezhach makal” Amma spoke
Everything is my father’s fault. There is nothing wrong with my mother according to her. How dare she. I was so angry with her
“Look who is talking” I snapped
“What did you say?”
“I said look who is talking? You don’t understand English? or you thought I was deaf and dumb and blind and never noticed what you were up to?”

Amma was stunned for a moment and I pushed her to the side gently and entered the house.

I didn’t want it to end like this. Today didn’t turn the way I envisaged. I had not planned to go to the dhaba, I didn’t plan to get drunk and most of all I had no plans to get kissed. And I was sorry. But my mother was always making me a take defensive stand.
It felt horrible because on one side I was feeling tremendously guilty and on the other side I enjoyed the kiss.
I felt even more guilty for liking the kiss.
And now I hurt my mother. I didn’t want to throw the dirt back on her. I knew what kind of a life she had and why she did what she did. I never had the right to judge my mother.
I waited for the barrage of curses.
Amma never lost an argument.
I watched Amma turning off the light in the toilet and walking slowly back to her room. She closed the bedroom door gently and I still stood where I was. Because I was lost.
I wanted her to curse me. because I was wrong and I wanted Amma to punish me.
I didn’t want her to go to bed with a heavy heart. What if she gets a heart attack in the night because her heart was so heavy.
What will happen to my sisters and I if anything happened to Amma?
Who do we have in this world?
We are too old to even go to an orphanage!
“Amma” I walked up to her room and knocked at the door gently
She didn’t reply
“Amma” I tried to open the door.
It was locked.
“Amma” I called louder
“Go away Nina, leave me alone”
“Amma, I am sorry”
I waited there for a long time hoping Amma would know that I am genuinely sorry and will open the door and talk to me.
She didn’t.
She left me alone with my guilt.
But the thing was, a part of didn’t think kissing a boy was wrong.