I went to bed with a heavy heart. My life was a like honeycomb, every person in my life was kept in a cell like the one inside the honeycomb. It was the only way I could avoid chaos that would happen if people in my life met each other.
I had specific places(cells) for each person in my life. Everyone was present but no one mixed with each other.
There was a place for Appa, Amma, Maria, Liza and Sally and there was a place for Beautiful Eyes. Now where was I going to keep Arjun?
Deep in my heart I knew as each day went by that I have lost Beautiful Eyes.
Arjun could never replace him. That was true.
And there was no more places in my life for another person.
I didn’t love Arjun, yet I couldn’t afford to lose him. No one else who knows about my family would want to marry me.
snehicha hippiye….

How to like a guy you don’t love?

I remembered Amma telling me how her aunt asked her when she refused my father’s proposal.
“parayedi ! avanu entha oru kuravu?”
“Is he not handsome?, Is he not educated? Is he not from a good tharavadu? Is he not rich?”
My mother didn’t have an answer.
And if I asked the same question about Arjun to myself, I knew I wouldn’t have had an answer either.
Perhaps this was my destiny. A life like my mother’s.

I would rather die than to live a life like my mother’s.
‘No, Nina, you can’t die. No one will marry your sisters if you killed yourself’ Sensible one spoke,
I pulled the pillow and tried to cover my ears so I can shut her out.
I wanted to sleep.
Sleep was the only salvation I had.
Perhaps my brain knew that and decided to deprive me of salvation.
I counted the sheep. It was no fun
I multiplied the number 2×2,4×4,8×8,64×64
I could only remember up to 4096. I tried to mentally multiply 4096 x 4096. I couldn’t.
I got up, switched on the light, found a pen from my backpack and looked every where for a piece of scrap paper. I couldn’t find any, so I wrote the numbers on my palm and used my palm as a paper.
16777216.
Was my answer correct?
I had to divide 16777216 by 4096.
There was no more place on my palm to write the number. I tried to wipe off the numbers from my palm.
I heard footsteps and the sound of the door being opened.
Amma was staring at me.
“I heard the light being switched on. What are you doing?” Amma asked
“Nothing ma” I quickly hid my pen under my butt. I couldn’t tell my mother that I was up at 2 in the morning so I could calculate 4096 x4096.
Amma looked at the open bag in front of me and then she walked towards me.
“Show me your hands Nina”
Why does she want to see my hand? I didn’t want her to see the writings on my palm. Amma had forbidden us from writing on our palm,because she didn’t want the life lines to be obliterated.
“No”
I kept both my hands under my butt.
“Are you taking drugs?” Amma sounded so scared.
“What?”
“Are you?”
“What? Why do you ask such dumb questions Amma?”
Then I realized my actions of trying to hide the pen and then my hands had given my mother ideas!
I could see the fear in my mother’s eyes and I felt so sorry for her.
“Dumb question Ah? Asking you if you are taking drugs is a dumb question Ah?”
“Oh Amma. I am not taking any drugs. I couldn’t sleep and I was trying to calculate and I got stuck. So I got up to calculate” “See” I showed my palm to her.
I couldn’t find the pen , so I got up to look for the pen.
“See” I found the pen and showed it to her.
“njan pedichu poyi, ini athintey (drugs) kuravoodey alley ullu evidey!” Amma whispered.
“No, ma don’t worry. I don’t take drugs and I have no intentions to take drugs”
“You know Mrs. Thomas? Her son is a drug addicted ah”
I thought of correcting Amma and tell her that it should be drug addict, but i knew at that moment my mother needed my support, not a lesson in English language.
“I am so worried about all of you. When Liza is 5 minutes late, I feel like I am suffocating. I can’t breath. What would I do if anything happens to any of you? pinney njan jeevichirunnitu entha karyam?“
“Nothing will happen to any of us Amma”
“It is easy for you to say. Only when you become a mother will you now what a mother goes through”
“hmm” I mumbled.
For me tomorrow itself is a question mark, let alone the day I become a mother. I didn’t even want to think about me becoming a mother.
“Go and sleep ma”
Amma looked at my hand again and I waited for her to say that ninakku muzhu vatta.
“My father was like you. He used to get up in the middle of the night and calculate things like this. He also couldn’t wait till the morning to do it!” Amma spoke
“Really?”
“Hmm” Amma spoke
I was so glad to hear that. At least I had company in my mad world.
I watched Amma walking to her room
“Amma” I called
“hmm” She turned to look at me
“Can I sleep with you?”
I knew she was going to say something like kettichu vidan prayam ayi…
“Ok”
I grabbed my blanket and ran after her.
I couldn’t remember the last time I slept next to my mother. It felt so odd to hold her. But I tried to hold her.
“Oh Nina, take your hands off my body. I can’t breath” Amma spoke.
I took my hand away.
Amma’s pillow smelled of a mix of Godrej hairdye the kohinoor rose hair oil.
I remembered Ammachi and her neela brungathi hair oil.
Some where in Chengannur there is a woman staying alone, trying to toil the land so her son and his daughters would inherit something worthwhile.
Toiling and living a life for others while forgetting to live.
A life like mine.