From the balcony, I saw Amma walking towards our house holding few plastic bags. I went downstairs to help her carry the bags.
“Why is he here?” Amma hissed
“I don’t know Amma” I replied
“You think my house is an inn for your friends to come and go?”
“Amma, I didn’t ask him to come”
“Didn’t ask him! You should be ashamed of yourself.”
I wanted to tell Amma that if she didn’t go to Arjun’s house and borrowed money, then perhaps he wouldn’t have come to visit me. But we had already reached the house entrance and I didn’t want Arjun to think that I am always fighting with my mother.
Amma walked to the kitchen and must have noticed Liza and Arjun standing in the balcony. Amma turned to look at me. Her eyes were humongous. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do, so I stared back at her.
“Who made tea?” Amma asked
“Liza” I replied.
I watched Amma taking the pot and angrily placing it in the sink.
I didn’t know why exactly I was mad when I realized my sister made tea for Arjun and now I didn’t know why Amma was mad when I told her Liza made the tea.
“Liza” Amma called
“Yes Amma” my wonderful sister cooed
“Can you help me peel some potatoes?” Amma asked
“Sure Amma”
What? Sure Amma? Liza said, Sure Amma? Liza, my sister who refused to wash her own plate agreed to help Amma peel potatoes? What in the world is going on?
I watched my sister walking in to the kitchen with a beautiful smile on her face.
The most humble, adorable, obedient child took few potatoes from the plastic bag.
“peeler evideya ma vechekkunney? ( where do you keep the peeler) She asked Amma in Malayalam. I knew why she did that. She didn’t want Arjun to know that she didn’t even know where the peeler was kept!
Amma took the peeler from the plate rack and gave it to her.
Arjun was standing by the balcony door and watching us.
“Arjun, would you like to join us for lunch?” Amma asked
It was my turn to glare at Amma. What in the world is wrong with her? One moment she was mad at me because Arjun came for a visit and in the next moment she was inviting him for lunch!
I looked at Arjun, hoping against hope that he would say No.
Arjun came from a family where food was cooked with love and shared. I didn’t want him to know that, it wasn’t the same in my family. I didn’t want him to eat rice and potato mezhukkuperatti which was my mother’s idea of a royal feast. I didn’t want him to judge my mother. I didn’t want him to laugh at my mother.
“No aunty, not today, I had late breakfast and I am not hungry now” Arjun replied
I was so relieved.
“Ready?” Arjun asked me
“For What?”I asked him
Amma looked at both of us, as though we were conspiring something
“For the movie! I told you on friday nah, we will go for the movie?”
I looked at Amma. I could see the disgust in her eyes
I wanted to tell her, no Amma, I didn’t lie. I had told Arjun, I didn’t want to go for the movie. But I knew there was no point trying to salvage a ship that had sunk to the bottom of Marina trench!
“chalo” Arjun walked towards me and I moved to the side so he can go to the living room.
I tried to analyse my options. To go or not to go?
There was no point staying at home. Amma and I would end up fighting. I took my handbag and said
“Bye Amma”
She didn’t respond
“Bye Liza, Bye Ma” Arjun spoke
“Bye Arjun” Amma spoke.
“Bye Arjun Bhaiyya” Liza spoke.
I hated the way Liza was calling him Arjun Bhaiyya. I gritted my teeth and controlled the urge to go and shake my sister and tell her that Arjun wasn’t her bhaiyya.
Arjun started the bike and I sat at the back. I turned my head and looked at the balcony. Amma and Liza was standing there and I knew instantly I made the wrong decision. It would have been better to stay home and fight with Amma. Because now I was nothing but a pezha for my mother and sister.
It was too late to do anything.
vinashakaley vipareetha budhi!

“Have you finished studying patho?” Arjun asked
“nah” I replied
“Patho is so boring, No?”
“hmm” I mumbled
“Nina, have an eye for Nikhil and the gang. We are supposed to meet them at MG road”
“huh? Which Nikhil? North Indian guy? Super Senior Nikhil?”
“yeah, the whole northy gang is here. They have been wanting to see this mystery woman I am in love with. Today is the day all mystery will be revealed!” Arjun turned his head and was smiling at me.
Oh God, I wailed silently.
God and I had parted many moons ago, but I wasn’t one bit ashamed to call his name this time. I didn’t mind being a hypocrite. I didn’t mind being called anything, if God could save me this time.
Just this time, one last time. Please God, please don’t let me meet Nikhil.
Parumala Thirumeni, help me. I begged
Please, please, please help me. Please don’t let Beautiful Eye’s best friend see me with Arjun. I begged silently.
“There they are” Arjun waved to the group of guys standing in front of Gangarams. I saw Nikhil standing there with his trade mark attire, white tee shirt inside the shirt.
I knew then that my life and everything that I ever wanted was slipping out of my hands. I had no one but me to blame.

“Nina, wake up. Arjun is here”
Amma was shaking my legs
“What?” I opened my eyes and tried to figure out what was going on
“Arjun is here” Amma whispered, while trying to tie her hair in a bun and look neat and tidy.
“Where? Why?”
By the look on my mother’s face I knew that question was a stupid one.
I got out of the bed and walked to the living room.
Arjun and Liza was sitting on my mattress bed and Arjun saw me
“My God! Look at the time Nina! What time were you planning to get up Nina?” Arjun was staring at me
“She is a lazy bone. She gets up so late” Liza shook her head sadly and replied
“What to do Arjun! She is always sleeping. At this rate, I don’t know how she will pass the exams. May be you can put some sense in her” Amma replied
I looked at Amma. What did she say? I was always sleeping? Did she not see that I was studying all through the night?
“I got up late, because I went to bed late. I was studying all night” I replied
“Yeah, she pretended to study. She was sleeping while holding the book in her hand” Amma laughed and told Arjun.
“No I wasn’t sleeping. I was studying” I answered back
“Oh Nina stop, why do you want to fight with your mom in the morning?” It was Arjun’s turn to be nice
I glared at him. If only I could create fire with my eyes! I would have turned him in to ashes and blown the ashes away in 4 different directions.
“Arjun Bhaiyya, be careful, She is getting mad” Liza spoke
Arjun bhaiyya, avalde ammedey thala . I walked to the bathroom and slammed the door shut.
Arjun bhaiyya! The words kept repeating in my head.
I wanted to take a shower. But that meant I will have to go outside and heat the water with the immersion coil. I didn’t want to see Arjun bhaiyya. So I decided to take a cold shower.
I poured a mugful of water on my leg, (hoping I could set the thermostat in my brain to coldness) and hated myself for my stupid ego. The water in the bucket was very cold and I still didn’t want to go outside and heat the water.
I took a quick shower and all I wanted was to dry my body as quick as possible. Then I remembered the towel
“Amma” I called out
There was no response
“Amma” I yelled at the top of my quivering voice
“What is it Nina?” Arjun answered
“Where is my mother?”
“She went downstairs to buy vege”
“Liza” I called my sister
“What do you want” Liza answered
“towel” I whispered, hoping Arjun won’t hear. I didn’t want my classmate to know that I was an idiot who forgot to take a towel before going for a shower.
“What?” Liza yelled
“towel, I need my towel” I spoke a little louder
“You always need a servant for everything ah” Liza spoke. I wasn’t sure if that was a statement or a question, so I didn’t answer.
I thought of using the clothes I wore to dry my body. But then I have to wear those wet clothes and go out and face Arjun bhaiyya. I had forgotten to take a change of clothes with me before I went to take a shower.
I waited for what felt like eternity, then I heard a knock on the door
“Who is it?”
“nintey Ammayi appan( your father in law)” Liza spoke
I opened the door a bit and grabbed the towel.
By the time I came out of the bathroom, Arjun bhaiyya was already drinking tea.
He looked at me and shook his head as though he had never seen anyone more incapable/stupid/dumb than me and was smiling.
Get lost, I muttered under my breath and marched to Liza’s room to change my clothes. I closed the door and stood in front of the godrej cupboard. I wanted to ask Arjun, why is he doing here? I didn’t ask him to come. I didn’t want him to just walk in my house and act as though he is part of our family. He wasn’t part of my family. I didn’t want him to be part of my family.
my family. I couldn’t exactly figure out what was bothering me so much. Then I remembered the tea.
Who made tea for Arjun? Amma had gone to buy Vege, No? Liza made tea for Arjun?
I changed in to my jeans and t shirt quickly. When I came out, Liza and Arjun were standing on the balcony and talking. They were talking about point guard and shooting guard. I had no idea what they were talking about. I walked to the balcony and stood next to Arjun. He continued to drink the tea and talk to Liza about NBA teams and the merits of each team.
This was my life and Arjun was my classmate.
But I couldn’t join their conversation. I felt like an outsider. Like I was excluded from the team.
I wanted very much to belong somewhere.
I wanted to be a part of a conversation.
I wanted to be able to talk and laugh with my classmate.
But I had no idea about basketball, neither was I interested to learn.
Suddenly I was back where I started. Back to building walls around me and protecting the only three people that mattered.
The world of I, myself and me.

I couldn’t eat any more burned dosai, so I got up and took the plate to the kitchen.
“had enough?” Amma asked
“hmm” I mumbled
I wanted to know, how come Elsa got 20 Rs and I get to eat burned Dosai?
It didn’t make sense. Why did my mother act magnanimous when it came to her old classmate and stingy when it came to me? You are supposed to take care of your children first, then others.That is how we are supposed to live.
I resented her actions.

‘Resentment, ha! laughed the sensible one. Resentment is the opposite of magnanimity. Didn’t Nietzsche say resentful person is an unhappy person?’
I shook my head hard, hoping to hush the sensible one.
“I am not unhappy. This is not fair” I told her.
‘Ha’ She laughed again.
I wanted the sensible one to know, I had no problems with my mother giving money to her classmate or anyone else. All I wanted was to eat a dosai that isn’t burned.
But she didn’t listen. Instead she was calling me selfish.
May be I was getting mad.
“Amma, I am going to sleep. Can I lay down on your bed?” I asked Amma
“Sure”
I went to Amma’s room and quietly fluffed up her pillow and lay down. Her pillow smelled of a mixture of rose scented hair oil and Godrej hair dye. I turned the pillow around, hoping the smell wouldn’t be there on the other side of the pillow. It didn’t. I got up to go to the living room to get my pillow. Amma saw me.
“Did you know Ammachi cut all the rubber trees?” Amma asked
“Which Ammachi?”
“How many Ammachi’s do you know?” Amma was staring at me.
I hated my self for being so stupid. Why did I ask which Ammachi, when I know which Ammachi has rubber trees?
“Why did she cut the trees?”
“Thallakku vatta(she is mad)”
“What is she planning to do?”
“Apparently the rubber isn’t producing enough sap, so she wants to plant new trees. I know that is a lie. Timber fetches more money. She and her darling manipulative daughter Kochumol must be planning all these. Get as much money from the land before your father comes back. Make hay while the sun is shining.. alley?“
“But if she cut the trees, then how will she survive?”
“What do you mean?”
“She sells the rubber sheets to earn the money, No?”
“Who knows? Anyway why should I care? I don’t give a damn”
“hmm”
“Any way, you don’t write all these to Appa”
“Why not?”
“enthina(for what)?”
“Then at least Appa will send some money to her. Amma it would take few years before she can earn money from the new trees”
“oh pinney, She has enough money in the bank”
“How do you know?”
“Did any of us ever take money from her all these years? What did she do with all the money she made all these years? She doesn’t have to spend the money on anything, does she? Oil is from the coconut, rice from the paddy field, she grows her own vegetables. Only now she has to buy milk. how many liters of milk does one lady need?”
“Amma it isn’t like that. Ammachi has to spend money to make sure everything works in the land. There won’t be any coconut oil, if you don’t pay the paravan money to climb the tree and pluck the coconut and there”
I was just about to say there is no more rice from the paddy field. Then I knew Amma would ask me, how do I know that?
“oh pinney, You are teaching me? Why are you taking your grandmother’s side, when you haven’t even been to that house all these years. When we stayed in Kottayam, you never once bothered to go and visit your grandmother, did you?”
“That is because you never let us”
“oh pinney Why would I stop you from visiting your grandmother?”
I wanted to tell her that she was lying. She didn’t want us to visit Ammachi. I wanted to tell her that despite her orders, I used to visit my grandmother. Then I knew Amma would ask why I don’t visit Ammachi anymore? I didn’t want to answer that. I didn’t want Amma to have the satisfaction that she was right all along, that her mother in law was pure evil.
I took the pillow from my bed and walked towards Amma’s room. I could hear Amma muttering something. I didn’t bother to listen.
I thought about Methran Thambi’s wife. How was she going to survive the next few years without the rubber? I wanted to send her some money. But I had no money. Besides why do I have to send the money? Isn’t it Appa’s duty to send money to his mother? It is his mother after all.
I closed my eyes and did what everyone in Methran Thambi’s family did. Walked away by saying, why should I do something, when there are others who should be doing it.
If only time and tide gave me a second chance.

This afternoon, we were in the midst of a massive wind storm and the rain just didn’t stop.( 2 degrees with the wind chill factor it sure felt like -15). While I was waiting outside my kids school (and ofcourse cursing the weather), I noticed this mother standing in the cold rain and getting wet.
I have seen her every single day, waiting by the side of her child’s class, holding on to her guide dog.
I just couldn’t understand why she was not using an umbrella or even the hood of her jacket. I couldn’t bear to see her getting wet, so I walked up to her and asked her, if I could hold my umbrella over her head and she nodded her head. As we talked, I found out that she can’t use an umbrella or a hat or even the hood because the sound of the rain falling on the hat/umbrella makes her disoriented. Being blind, she needs to hear the sounds to be able to walk back home.
Does any of you know any material that is water proof and sound proof?Thanks
Sarah

May be it was the fear of being attacked by a mad woman, may be it was the guilt of trying to use my own mother’s body as a defense, I was feeling very uncomfortable. I wanted Amma to walk fast, so we could get out of the church and be on our way back home.
I listened to the rhythmic sound of the gravel crunching under Amma’s feet as she walked. I looked at the gravel. Mixture of smooth stones of different colours. I tried to see if there was any shiny stones in it. I didn’t want to miss an opportunity to find a diamond.
If only I could find a diamond! Then I would never have to be worried about the financial implications of being deaf. May be God was working miracles. May be the miracle was me finding a diamond.
Should I still buy 10 candles and light them at the church to honour the promise I made if I find a diamond?
Aiyyah You are a big pishukki ( stingy person)!!!. I told myself. If you find a diamond, then you will have enough money to buy 100 candles!!
I looked up just to take a quick glance at the mad woman and what she is doing and also to see how far we are from her. She was still another 20 feet away.
Mad woman was combing her matted hair with her fingers.
So far so good. Amma in front of me and a distracted mad woman, I knew I was safe. I went back to diamond hunting!
We will live in big house, we will have a car, we will wear wear nice clothes, we will always have good food. (there will be cake every day, may be ice cream also). I will eat all the cakes and ice cream all by myself. I will not share it with my sisters.
I don’t have to share with my sisters. I found the diamond right?
My sisters, they are so mean to me. Why do I have to share my good fortune with them. I won’t. I will teach them all a lesson.
I almost bumped in to Amma.
In my eagerness to teach my sisters a lesson, I had not noticed that Amma had stopped walking.
Amma was looking at the mad woman.
Oh no, now Amma is going to tell something to the mad woman. She probably would tell the mad woman to get a life instead of sitting in front of the church and scratch her kundi (butt)
“Come, Amma let us go” I grabbed Amma’s hands.
Mad woman stopped combing her hair and she was looking at us both.
Entey karthavey, ippol kalleru thodangum( she is going to throw the rocks now)
“Amma va ( come)” I started to pull Amma’s hand
“Wait” Amma pulled her hand from my grasp.
I looked at the bus stop. I could still run to the safety of the bus stop. If Amma wanted to be stoned to death, that was her choice. I was not going to stand here and get myself killed.
“Elsa” I heard Amma call
Elsa? I looked at Amma to see what was going on? Elsa? What is Elsa?
I looked at the mad woman. She was staring at Amma. Only then I noticed her poochakannu. (green eyes).
Her eyes looked weird. Green eyes in a face full of grime and dirt. Green eyed women are supposed to be beautiful. Street urchins are not supposed to have green eyes.
“Elsa alley? (are you not Elsa?). I know you are Elsa. I remember your eyes” Amma spoke again.
For a second, I thought I saw something in those eyes. Was it the happiness of someone recognizing you? Then the eyes became distant. As though someone turned off the light. She stopped looking at us. She started to comb her hair with her fingers.
I watched Amma opening her hand bag and taking her purse out.
she took out a note. I looked at the money. Pink colour 20 Rs note! What? Is Amma going to give 20 Rs to this mad woman?
I watched Amma walking towards her and placing the money in front of her. Elsa took the money immediately and placed it inside her blouse and continued to look down and comb her hair. Amma stood there watching her a few seconds and then started to walk towards the bus stand.
It didn’t make sense to me. My pishukki (stingy) Amma, who gave 25 paise as an offering to cure my deafness, paid 20 Rs to a mad woman.
I wanted to ask Amma who was Elsa. But Amma was busy buying banana from the tuck shop near the bus stand. May be Banana is cheaper in Puthupally. Tomorrow morning she might be planning to make puttu. I didn’t like to eat puttu with pazham. I liked to eat puttu with green gram thoran. There was no point telling Amma what I wanted to eat. Because I knew what her reply would be
kalathu enettu ethokkey undakkunnathu pora, ninakkokkey, ini payaru thoran koodey ondakkiyaley evalkokkey puttu thinnan okkathollu. ( not enough that I get up early in the morning and make breakfast. Now you want green gram thoran as well??)
“how many?” The shop keeper asked Amma. He was holding a curved knife in his hand
“1 dozen” Amma replied.
1 dozen? Oh no, she is planning to make puttu for a few days! It is nothing but kashtakalam (misfortune) for me.
Amma paid the shop owner.
Then she opened the cover and pulled out 2 bananas.
“Go and give” Amma gave the bananas to me and pointed to Elsa
“no” I shook my head. I was not going to walk to a mad woman and give her bananas.
“Go and give” Amma was hissing. Amma’s eyes looked round and big and I knew the smartest thing to do was to walk over to the mad woman and give her the bananas. I knew if I had stood there defiantly, my mother would have slapped me infront of everyone. The rock showers were better than being humiliated in front of others. I crossed the road and dropped the bananas in front of Elsa and was about to run back when I heard
“mary de mol ano?” Mary’s daughter?”
I turned to look. She was still looking down.
“hmm” I answered.
I didn ‘t want to stand there and talk to a mad woman. What if anyone noticed that we knew this mad woman? What will people think of us? I didn’t want to be associated with a mad woman. I ran back to Amma.
Now more than ever, I wanted to know who was Elsa.
I saw the bus coming and I planned to ask Amma, as soon as we get inside the bus.
I saw Amma looking at Elsa as the bus left the bus stand.
“Who was that Amma?” I had to ask
“Elsa” Amma replied.
I knew that already. I wanted to know who was Elsa
“How do you know her?”
“She was my classmate”
“huh?”
“She studied with me at the women’s college”
Amma closed her eyes and leaned back against the bus seat.
“She was a college beauty at that time. Everyone wanted to be her friend. You know how the chattakarees (Anglo Indians) are. Full of life. She had three brothers and two sisters. All good looking. It was a big happy family. I used to celebrate Christmas at their house. You know how boring hostel life was? Visiting Elsa’s home for Christmas was an event I used to look forward to.
Then everything changed one day. Their father left them and all of a sudden Elsa had to take care of her family. She stopped studying and started to work in some company as a clerk. Slowly the life they have known and lived all those years slowly became the cause of all their troubles”
“What do you mean?”
“nothing. You won’t understand”
I didn’t understand. I looked at Amma, hoping for an explanation. None came.

A week later I saw Amma packing few of her old sarees, blouses and underskirts in the morning
“Where are you going Amma?” Liza asked
“Church”
“With that?” Liza pointed the clothes bundle.
“hmm” Amma nodded and was looking at me. There was something about the way Amma was looking at me. Was she trying to tell me not to say anything about her mad friend to my sisters?
I didn’t know why Amma was ashamed. But I never told my sisters about meeting Elsa. I never told them that Amma wasn’t as pishukki as we always thought.

Am I really mad?
Does madness really runs in the family?
Will my sisters have to suffer because I am mad? ( who would marry them if their sister is mad?)
Can one control his/her madness? I wasn’t sure. I tried to think of all the mad people I know. There weren’t many. Then I remembered Elsa.
Elsa? Goodness, how could you call her by her name Nina? She is as old as your mother! I told myself.
Elsa Kochamma that was her name. I remembered Amma taking me to visit all the churches in and around Kottayam own, asking for a divine intervention to cure my deafness. I too wanted to be cured. I didn’t want to be deaf. I didn’t want my parents to struggle and raise enough money to pay dowry for me. I didn’t want my sisters to suffer because I was deaf and no one would marry them.
One Sunday, Amma and I went to the Catholic church near Puthupally to pray. By the time we reached the church, the mass was over and we waited by the side to let the congregation leave. Kids were running around, people were talking to each other and it was very noisy. Suddenly a woman cried out.
Ellarkkum vatta, enikku mathram vattilla, enikku mathram vattilla( I am the only one who isn’t mad, everyone else is mad!).
.In an instant there was absolute silence outside the church. Everyone looked at each other, then there were whispers which was soon followed by laughter. We looked around to see who was screaming. We noticed her sitting by the main gate rocking her upper body back and forth.
Amma and I too laughed.How often do we hear a mad woman say I am not mad?
She continued to scream
enikku mathram vattilla and soon I heard a male voice shouting
mindathiriyedi avidey( shut up).
That is when the rocks started to fly. Everyone quickly started to walk away, while trying to protect themselves from the rock showers with the bible and other prayer books.
I watched one gentleman wearing jubba bravely walking towards the mad woman and telling her in a stern voice
“Behave or I will call the police”
“bha” She spat on the ground and got up to face the gentleman. suddenly he too quickly walked away.
I looked at Amma, she was smiling. How often do we get to see a Malayalee gentleman walking away with his tail between his legs?

Amma and I walked inside the church and prayed. I even offered to light 1o candles if God almighty cured my deafness.
Then I remembered
‘Sho, I don’t have that much money to buy 10 candles’
I looked at the statue in front of me
‘Did God hear me promise to light 10 candles? Should I correct and say one candle, not 10?’ But if you have already promised 10 and don’t keep your word, then God might punish me more, wouldn’t he? I thought of saying to God, zero has no value, so when I said 10, I actually meant one!
No, God is certainly more smarter than that. I looked at amma. She was deep in prayers. I convinced myself that Amma would gladly give me the money to buy the candles if I was cured, because candles costs considerably much less than the lakhs needed to get a deaf daughter married off.
Next time, think before you offer something. I scolded myself.
After praying, Amma gave me 25 paise coin to put in the offertory box. I felt that was too cheap, especially when we were requesting for a miracle that would save a lot of money. But I didn’t want to argue with amma, not if I had to get money to buy 10 candles from her.
As we were walking out, I could see the mad woman sitting near the Church gate. I was a bit afraid. What if she starts to throw the rocks again? I looked around to see if there was any other exits?
Amma turned to look at me
“Why are you standing there? Come, let us go”
“I am scared Amma”
“For what?”
I pointed the mad woman to Amma.
“She won’t do anything”
“How do you know?” I asked Amma
Amma shrugged her shoulders and started to walk. I didn’t want the mad woman to see me and I I desperately wanted to be out of her rock throwing range. I started to walk a few feet behind Amma. hoping Amma’s body would hide me from the mad woman. ( also protect me from the rock showers!)

My eyes were beginning to hurt and I knew I shouldn’t have kept awake the whole night. No one ever said that studying to become a doctor was injurious to one’s own health. I better sleep, before I get a headache. I told myself. I checked the clock, it was almost 7.30 Am. I went to lay down on my bed, then I remembered, in a little while my sisters would wake up and switch on the TV.
There was no way I would be able to sleep in the living room with all that noise. I got up from the bed. The door to Liza’s room was slightly ajar and I could see her sleeping peacefully in her bed. That should have been my bed.
My heart was full of resentment. I was like Esau. My mother insisted on depriving me of my birthrights. Why? I wanted to know why? I marched to the kitchen.
Amma was making gothambu dosai (wheat flour dosai). She looked up and I asked her
“Why Amma? Why do you treat me like this?”
“ah?” Amma was staring at me
“You gave my saree to Maria, when I told you clearly that I wanted that saree. And you gave the second bedroom to Liza, when you knew I am older than her and I need a room of my own. Why do you treat me like this?” I screamed.
I knew I shouldn’t scream, because the neighbours would hear. But I wanted an answer. I was afraid Amma wouldn’t care to give me an answer if I spoke gently.
“thodangiyo pinneyum” ( started again?)
“What?”
“kalathey vattu thodangiyo? (gone mad in the morning itself!) Don’t you know we have a family history of madness?” Amma looked so serious
“huh?”
“I was always worried about it. I knew this would happen one day! If I had known there was history of madness in your father’s family I would have never married your father”
I watched Amma angrily trying to remove the dosai from the pan. It was getting burned and it was stuck on the pan. If she had applied oil on the pan before pouring the batter, then it would have been easier to remove the dosai. But No, my mother didn’t want to waste oil unnecessary. But that was not the point. I wanted to know why she was treating me differently. What madness was she talking about?
“What are you talking about Amma?”
“You didn’t know?”
“What?”
“Your kochappan’s family! Everyone is mad! His wife doesn’t speak a word any more and both the boys are mad. You know the boys are locked up in the room? Apparently Kochappan had to use metal chains and tie their ankle to bed post. Kochammachi just lay down in the bed the whole day looking at the ceiling.
Apparently both the boys were very intelligent and scored straight A’s in school. One of them even managed to pass the IAS exam. But he never completed. Pavam kochappan, Instead of letting his children take care of him in his old age, he now has to take care of 2 mad sons and a mute wife in his old age. enna thaley varey aa athu. alley? ( what a fate!)” Amma was looking at me.
By now the dosai was completely burned and Amma was using the knife and the spatula together to remove the burned dosai from the pan. I watched her placing bits of the burned dosai that she managed to scrape from the pan in a plate.
I wondered who is going to eat the burned dosai?
“You got to be careful Nina, I didn’t want you to go mad. You should remember madness runs in our family. What will happen to your sisters if you become mad?” Amma whispered.
I no longer knew what to think. Was I mad? Am I turning out to be like kochappan’s mad sons? I knew I was different from everyone. Was it because I was in the beginning stages of madness? Is that why I always speak to the sensible one?
“inna” (here). Amma handed me the plate with burned dosai bits in it. “It is only a little bit burned, if you eat with sugar, you won’t notice the taste.” Amma took the sugar container from the shelf and opened it. She placed a teaspoon of sugar in the plate.
“Go, sit down and eat. I will bring the next dosai when it is ready”
I didn’ want to eat the burned dosai. But at that moment I no longer knew what was acceptable behaviour that wouldn’t be considered as madness.
I was already deaf and dumb and blind. I didn’t want to add madness to that title.

Before I begin, here is wishing you all very happy ( belated) New year. I am sorry for not updating my blog. Life has been pretty hectic the last few weeks.

Here is a recap of my 2007
Absolutely good part
* I completed 2 years of stay in Canada and I can go back home by next December. Someone once said, the longest way is the way near home! I just can’t wait for this year to be over. I am looking forward to going back home.

*I managed to travel to Alaska( part of the 25 things I wanted to do before I die).

*I learned to KNIT. When I had pneumonia and had to take bed rest, I was bored. I got my friend to teach me how to knit. So far I knitted 4 scarfs and a toque for Yaya.

The bad part.

* Car accident.
*Pneumonia
*Norwalk infection
*I still can’t skate. I have been trying to learn to skate for months. Those who started with me have already finished the three level course. I am still in level 1 ( I get a wagon to push around the skating rink!)

The worst part.

* I can’t beat the procrastination habit of mine. I still have a gift I bought for a friend’s niece when the baby was born almost 15 months ago. I never got a chance to go to the post office and post it!
I also didn’t get a chance to post any of the Christmas cards last year.

Neither good, bad or terrible part.
My youngest sister turned 30 couple of days ago.
As I look back, I see a child with motta thala and kontha pallu. Now she is a beautiful, successful woman.
I so much want to reach out and hold her hands, like we used to when we walked to school every morning.
I wish life has been simple, that people never changed.
Instead, I sit here, wishing for a miracle. That my family will be together at least once in my life time.
I still wait for the happy tomorrow, though that tomorrow seem so elusive.

Here is hoping that my dreams of a happy family will come true one day.

Have to do some chores tomorrow. Will update the blog on Wednesday.