I couldn’t eat any more burned dosai, so I got up and took the plate to the kitchen.
“had enough?” Amma asked
“hmm” I mumbled
I wanted to know, how come Elsa got 20 Rs and I get to eat burned Dosai?
It didn’t make sense. Why did my mother act magnanimous when it came to her old classmate and stingy when it came to me? You are supposed to take care of your children first, then others.That is how we are supposed to live.
I resented her actions.

‘Resentment, ha! laughed the sensible one. Resentment is the opposite of magnanimity. Didn’t Nietzsche say resentful person is an unhappy person?’
I shook my head hard, hoping to hush the sensible one.
“I am not unhappy. This is not fair” I told her.
‘Ha’ She laughed again.
I wanted the sensible one to know, I had no problems with my mother giving money to her classmate or anyone else. All I wanted was to eat a dosai that isn’t burned.
But she didn’t listen. Instead she was calling me selfish.
May be I was getting mad.
“Amma, I am going to sleep. Can I lay down on your bed?” I asked Amma
“Sure”
I went to Amma’s room and quietly fluffed up her pillow and lay down. Her pillow smelled of a mixture of rose scented hair oil and Godrej hair dye. I turned the pillow around, hoping the smell wouldn’t be there on the other side of the pillow. It didn’t. I got up to go to the living room to get my pillow. Amma saw me.
“Did you know Ammachi cut all the rubber trees?” Amma asked
“Which Ammachi?”
“How many Ammachi’s do you know?” Amma was staring at me.
I hated my self for being so stupid. Why did I ask which Ammachi, when I know which Ammachi has rubber trees?
“Why did she cut the trees?”
“Thallakku vatta(she is mad)”
“What is she planning to do?”
“Apparently the rubber isn’t producing enough sap, so she wants to plant new trees. I know that is a lie. Timber fetches more money. She and her darling manipulative daughter Kochumol must be planning all these. Get as much money from the land before your father comes back. Make hay while the sun is shining.. alley?“
“But if she cut the trees, then how will she survive?”
“What do you mean?”
“She sells the rubber sheets to earn the money, No?”
“Who knows? Anyway why should I care? I don’t give a damn”
“hmm”
“Any way, you don’t write all these to Appa”
“Why not?”
“enthina(for what)?”
“Then at least Appa will send some money to her. Amma it would take few years before she can earn money from the new trees”
“oh pinney, She has enough money in the bank”
“How do you know?”
“Did any of us ever take money from her all these years? What did she do with all the money she made all these years? She doesn’t have to spend the money on anything, does she? Oil is from the coconut, rice from the paddy field, she grows her own vegetables. Only now she has to buy milk. how many liters of milk does one lady need?”
“Amma it isn’t like that. Ammachi has to spend money to make sure everything works in the land. There won’t be any coconut oil, if you don’t pay the paravan money to climb the tree and pluck the coconut and there”
I was just about to say there is no more rice from the paddy field. Then I knew Amma would ask me, how do I know that?
“oh pinney, You are teaching me? Why are you taking your grandmother’s side, when you haven’t even been to that house all these years. When we stayed in Kottayam, you never once bothered to go and visit your grandmother, did you?”
“That is because you never let us”
“oh pinney Why would I stop you from visiting your grandmother?”
I wanted to tell her that she was lying. She didn’t want us to visit Ammachi. I wanted to tell her that despite her orders, I used to visit my grandmother. Then I knew Amma would ask why I don’t visit Ammachi anymore? I didn’t want to answer that. I didn’t want Amma to have the satisfaction that she was right all along, that her mother in law was pure evil.
I took the pillow from my bed and walked towards Amma’s room. I could hear Amma muttering something. I didn’t bother to listen.
I thought about Methran Thambi’s wife. How was she going to survive the next few years without the rubber? I wanted to send her some money. But I had no money. Besides why do I have to send the money? Isn’t it Appa’s duty to send money to his mother? It is his mother after all.
I closed my eyes and did what everyone in Methran Thambi’s family did. Walked away by saying, why should I do something, when there are others who should be doing it.
If only time and tide gave me a second chance.