My eyes were beginning to hurt and I knew I shouldn’t have kept awake the whole night. No one ever said that studying to become a doctor was injurious to one’s own health. I better sleep, before I get a headache. I told myself. I checked the clock, it was almost 7.30 Am. I went to lay down on my bed, then I remembered, in a little while my sisters would wake up and switch on the TV.
There was no way I would be able to sleep in the living room with all that noise. I got up from the bed. The door to Liza’s room was slightly ajar and I could see her sleeping peacefully in her bed. That should have been my bed.
My heart was full of resentment. I was like Esau. My mother insisted on depriving me of my birthrights. Why? I wanted to know why? I marched to the kitchen.
Amma was making gothambu dosai (wheat flour dosai). She looked up and I asked her
“Why Amma? Why do you treat me like this?”
“ah?” Amma was staring at me
“You gave my saree to Maria, when I told you clearly that I wanted that saree. And you gave the second bedroom to Liza, when you knew I am older than her and I need a room of my own. Why do you treat me like this?” I screamed.
I knew I shouldn’t scream, because the neighbours would hear. But I wanted an answer. I was afraid Amma wouldn’t care to give me an answer if I spoke gently.
“thodangiyo pinneyum” ( started again?)
“What?”
“kalathey vattu thodangiyo? (gone mad in the morning itself!) Don’t you know we have a family history of madness?” Amma looked so serious
“huh?”
“I was always worried about it. I knew this would happen one day! If I had known there was history of madness in your father’s family I would have never married your father”
I watched Amma angrily trying to remove the dosai from the pan. It was getting burned and it was stuck on the pan. If she had applied oil on the pan before pouring the batter, then it would have been easier to remove the dosai. But No, my mother didn’t want to waste oil unnecessary. But that was not the point. I wanted to know why she was treating me differently. What madness was she talking about?
“What are you talking about Amma?”
“You didn’t know?”
“What?”
“Your kochappan’s family! Everyone is mad! His wife doesn’t speak a word any more and both the boys are mad. You know the boys are locked up in the room? Apparently Kochappan had to use metal chains and tie their ankle to bed post. Kochammachi just lay down in the bed the whole day looking at the ceiling.
Apparently both the boys were very intelligent and scored straight A’s in school. One of them even managed to pass the IAS exam. But he never completed. Pavam kochappan, Instead of letting his children take care of him in his old age, he now has to take care of 2 mad sons and a mute wife in his old age. enna thaley varey aa athu. alley? ( what a fate!)” Amma was looking at me.
By now the dosai was completely burned and Amma was using the knife and the spatula together to remove the burned dosai from the pan. I watched her placing bits of the burned dosai that she managed to scrape from the pan in a plate.
I wondered who is going to eat the burned dosai?
“You got to be careful Nina, I didn’t want you to go mad. You should remember madness runs in our family. What will happen to your sisters if you become mad?” Amma whispered.
I no longer knew what to think. Was I mad? Am I turning out to be like kochappan’s mad sons? I knew I was different from everyone. Was it because I was in the beginning stages of madness? Is that why I always speak to the sensible one?
“inna” (here). Amma handed me the plate with burned dosai bits in it. “It is only a little bit burned, if you eat with sugar, you won’t notice the taste.” Amma took the sugar container from the shelf and opened it. She placed a teaspoon of sugar in the plate.
“Go, sit down and eat. I will bring the next dosai when it is ready”
I didn’ want to eat the burned dosai. But at that moment I no longer knew what was acceptable behaviour that wouldn’t be considered as madness.
I was already deaf and dumb and blind. I didn’t want to add madness to that title.