Last Saturday morning, I was laying down in my bed and reading when my youngest walked in to my room holding a steaming cup of tea in her hand.

“Good morning Mama, I made you tea” She said.

I can honestly tell you, it was perfectly brewed with the right amount of milk and sugar.

“So?” She asked

“Absolutely perfect” I replied. and  very casually  she mentioned “By the way, I spilled some sugar on the counter, but I cleaned it”

But the trip to this perfectly brewed cup of tea was not something that happened overnight.

In the beginning, we used to have pretend tea party with those tiny plastic teapot and cups, then we had cold watered down tea and then in the last few years I drank tons of tea with too much milk, too much sugar and sometimes too strong.

As a child/teenager, I only cooked when my mom wasn’t home, because I couldn’t stand her criticism. She expected perfection, even though I have had no experience in cooking and she was a lousy cook herself. I would have loved to make a cup of coffee for her when she came home from work. The only time I ever made coffee for her was when she was down with flu and even then she  berated me and asked ” ethu chappi ( chaya + kappi) ano atho otta vellam  ano? ( is this coffee or did you just grab a cup of drain water because what I made only looked like coffee) And if I spilled a microscopic portion of sugar, all hell would have broken loose and my mom  would have chanted the rest of the day “kashu marathel alledi valarunney” ( money doesn’t grow on trees)

I believe it is my job to empower my children. It is unreasonable to expect a child to do everything perfect. I am a perfectionist. My son used to make so much spelling and grammatical mistakes when he was in grade 1 and 2 and it used to bother me a lot. I will never forget his teacher telling me ” he has a life time to learn, don’t fret the small things”. Today, he is giving a talk at his school. He only told me that as he was leaving home this morning. I do not know the topic and I don’t even know what it is about and I don’t think he wrote a speech. I have a feeling he is going to wing it like he did last weekend  when he gave a talk at a local university about his robot. He was the youngest speaker. Ideally, I would have loved to sit with him and make him write his speech, after all he was talking in front of academia. But I didn’t, because he is only 13 and he doesn’t need to talk like a 42 year old.. He has a lifetime to learn..

I saw this article and thought I would share it here

Empowering children ( http://blogs.kidspot.com.au/villagevoices/how-to-help-your-kids-own-their-life-from-the-very-start/)

.

I had to bake a cake  last night  for a function this morning and baked this cake. It was one of the easiest and tastiest cake I have ever baked.

Here is the recipe.

The best banana cake ever. ( http://www.bestrecipes.com.au/recipe/easy-banana-cake-L1581.html)

I am off work today and am enjoying the beautiful day..

Few days ago, Yaya and her friends decided to join the Race around Ekka film competition and was busy filming till night. I was supposed to pick her up from her friend’s place at 8, but they got delayed.

Meanwhile, I am hoping to run the Bridge to Brisbane and thought I will go for a cross country run around my neighbourhood. A friend of mine had drawn the course for me working out the distance, incline, decline etc..all in the hope of getting me in to shape.  I had this image of me as well toned, fit and active woman. The truth is severely different. 10 minutes after my run, my legs chose not to move and every second after that was a struggle. I walked, ran a few cms, back to walk and  ended up cursing my own delusions… I wished I had taken my phone, so at least I could have called a taxi back home.

By the time I got home I was exhausted.

I don’t know about others, but I feel very sleepy after a strenuous exercise. At 8 pm, I got a txt from my child telling me, they are running late and could I please pick her up at 10.15?.

I struggled to keep awake. At 9.40, I was feeling tired and drowsy, but still had to drive to Yaya’s friend’s place to pick her up. As I couldn’t leave the younger two at home alone, I had to take them with me. Baby was already sleeping and I had to drag/carry her to the car, wishing they all stayed young and small, so at least I could carry them.

Yaya’s friend lives in a very posh area of Brisbane with really snotty neighbours who write nasty letters to them for things like, if the mother hung clothes to dry on her clothes line on Christmas day. Apparently hanging your clothes to dry, that too on Christmas day bring down the value of the properties in the neighbourhood. ( in other words, you are really cheap to use the free sunshine and because it was your decision to live in a posh area and then the least you can do is to use the drier even if the temp outside is 37 degrees)

My car headlights are automatic and shuts off when I open the car door. I didn’t want them to get another letter because the light and engine was on while I was waiting for Yaya or that  I was slamming the car door in the middle of the night, so I turned off the engine and manually switched off the light.

Yaya got in to the car, I drove back home, adding the odd numbers from 1 to 30, so I won’t sleep off. Baby was sitting in the front seat, snoring away to glory and her snoring was making me even more sleepy. It was then that I noticed the flashing lights behind my car. “Oh my god, Ambulance, how long has it been behind my car, oh my god, I didn’t give way and am now I am responsible for someone not getting the care they needed on time” I thought.

I quickly moved to the left lane. Few seconds later, the blinking blue and red lights were behind me again and this time there were more lights, like floodlights. I also noticed that this particular ambulance was not very big and there was no sound. It took me a few seconds to understand that it wasn’t an ambulance, but a cop and it was for me.

I am one more offence away from losing my license. My hands were shaking. I have never been pulled over in the past 20 years of driving. ( I only get love(ly) letters from  the police with a photo of my beautiful car and the speed I was going when  they lovingly and very kindly took that photo)

I got in to the side line and waited. I didn’t even know the protocol as to what to do when the cops pull you over. I frantically ( mentally) traced back my driving up to the time I got pulled over. I was sure I didn’t run the red light, go above the speed limit etc. By now all three of my kids were awake and they all looked at me accusingly

“What did you do mom?” Yaya asked.

“Shut up” I replied. How do I know what I did?

The cop got out of the patrol car, I could see the drivers that are driving by giving me the same dirty look I used to give those who got pulled over by cops.

“license please” he demanded. I carry my license in a little punch along with my car keys, so even if I change my handbag ( to match my clothes of course 🙂 ), I don’t have to worry about not taking my license. I tried to pull the car key out, but it was stuck. My heart was pounding, my hands were shaking and I was fumbling. The cop looked impatient and I also realized what an Impression I was giving the cop. Here I am, in my ( sexy) pyjamas ( I was planning to straight go to bed when I got back home and thought who is going to see me in the middle of the night), looking pretty dishevelled and fumbling with the car keys. Slowly realization came to me that in my hurry to pull over and park, I forgot to disengage the gear and until I do that, the keys stay in place. Slowly I disengaged the gear, got the key out and took out the license. The cop flipped my license back and forth and then very kindly told me “You have been pulled over for RBT ( random breath test) because you are driving without your lights on”

I could hear Yaya trying to control her laughter..of course, she can go and tell her friends the next day how her mom decided to drive in the middle of the night without headlights and got caught by the cop.

I never drink and drive, so the RBT was negative..Though only idiots drive without the lights at night time, it still isn’t an offence, so the cop let me go.

But the good thing was, I was wide awake the drive back home..and I know I will never drive without the lights on ever.

I send hot chocolate in a coffee mug for my kids to take it to school during  winter time and keep it ready on the kitchen counter. As they leave home, my children would take their respective cups. Few days ago, Yaya stole a few sips from her brother’s cup and forgot to close the spout. My son didn’t check and chucked the cup in his school bag.By the time he walked to the bus stop, there was hot chocolate everywhere. He had tears in his eyes when he came back home with hot chocolate dripping down his bag, soaking his books and clothes. But he was more sad that he missed the bus all his mates would be in. I offered to drive him to the nearest major junction knowing that  the bus stops at every stop before the junction, so if I drove him there,he would be able to catch the same bus.

He quickly changed his clothes and I gave him a spare bag to put his books and drove him to the nearest major junction.

My neighbour was also travelling in the same bus. He called me to say What happened when my son got in the bus..

The bus was crowded..usual bunch of students and office workers..My son, after his usual Rajnikanth style of touching the go card  to the reader by flipping the wallet and uttering “wapao”, walks to where his sister is sitting, looked at her. grinning widely. asked her “Missed me?”

Yaya apparently was speechless and gave him her famous death stare.

Last evening I made tacos and mince and my son took a huge serving of mince. Seeing the amount of mince in his plate Yaya very sarcastically told him “That much of mince can feed an army”

Without missing a beat my son replied “yeah, army of ants for sure”

Yaya warned him that one of these days she will get him, for which he replied “Yeah, then we will have bacon for breakfast, lunch and dinner”

Neiher I nor Yaya got that joke, so we looked at him for explanation..

“The day she gets me  is the day pigs will fly and we will get free bacon” He explained..

Yaya gave him more death stares..

As for me, I am still laughing…

The last time I saw amma was just before I left for the Airport to catch the flight back home. She was at my Aunt’s house and I went there to say my goodbye to both of them. What I remember the most that day was how beautiful Amma looked.

Amma was living with me for 6 months prior to that. When she came to stay with me, she brought with her one nighty , cream colour with tiny pink roses and a faded black under skirt. There are no nighty shops here and Amma only wanted to wear the achan kuppayam.. every night she washed her nighty and wore it again..and again.. and again for 6 months. She didn’t want to go to the salon for a hair cut either. By the 2nd month, her face had a permanent frown and by the 3rd month, she chose to stay in her room all day and night, often taking the food to her room to eat. I have always believed that a family that eats together stays together and have always made sure that we eat our dinner together and it was really painful to watch my mom taking the food to her room to eat. It made me feel like I am running an inn, not a home.

She didn’t want to go anywhere, didn’t want to spend time with her grandchildren and only spoke to me once a week when it was time to see her favourite mallu serial on youtube..( I just can’t remember the name. if I am not mistaken the ending was rushed because an actor committed suicide) I had no idea how to deal with my mother, more so because she was on a war path with me for no apparent reason. I was so annoyed with her by time I took her to India.. But that day, (when I was leaving), when I saw her, the first thought that came to my mind was ” She looks so beautiful” She wore a baby blue colour nighty, had a hair cut and the frown on her face had gone. I knew, I will never see her again..and I have safely stored that image of my mother in my mind.

It is 3 years since I last saw my mother. They say, time heals..but they are lying. Time doesn’t heal..it torments you every hour of every day..

It is Ekka holiday here. I went to bed planning to sleep in, after all it is very rare to get a mid week holiday. I woke up at 5 AM. I was too lazy to turn on the light, I hoped if I closed my eyes, then I might go back to sleep. Alas, no such luck.

I heard my neighbour up the street taking a U turn in front of my house. I think she is scared to reverse out from the garage to the left, instead, she drives all the way to the end of the road ( where my house is) and takes a U turn. Since I can’t do side parking, I felt I have no right to judge another driver. Few minutes later I heard the news paper delivery man’s car. When I was in the 5th standard, for Fancy Dress competition, I dressed up as a newspaper vendor..wore appa’s shirt and mundu, held a stack of news paper in my hand, and screamed at the top of my voice ” choodu vartha, choodu vartha, Rajantey maranam, kolapthakamo, athmahathya yo” ( Hot news, read it now). I didn’t win the first prize because I also wore Appa’s watch and according to the judge, “News paper vendors are poor and can’t afford a watch”

I always remember the judge’s remark when I hear the newspaper delivery driver stopping in front of my house. He drives a Subaru BRZ Z! Coupe. I don’t deny that the Mallu in me get pretty upset with the fact that he is driving such a beautiful car to deliver  newspaper and adding unnecessary mileage to his car and reducing its resale value..Then I can hear the UB40 singing in my head Don’t forget to smell the roses.

Why must I feel upset when he is enjoying the drive each morning in his beautiful and powerful car?

The (teenage) father of the little girl is away at the mines. I think he will be back end of this week. Then I can hear both the father and the daughter going for their morning stroll a little after 7 AM. On weekends, they drive to Brumbies bakery nearby  and when I am in the garden, I can see them sitting in the truck and eating the pastries. And I know for sure that the father will come a bit later with a vacuum cleaner  and clean the truck. His truck is his pride and joy and he keeps it very clean.

Right now as I type this, I can hear the Kookaburra’s calling out,  my neighbour ( the one who had the hip replacement surgery) must be doing some gardening. Every time she is out in the garden, the kookaburra’s start to sing because though it is against the law to feed the wild, my neighbour loves feeding the birds.

You can hear the Kookabburra’s singing @ 2.30  in the video

I started of the post this morning wanting to write something else..I shall do that tomorrow..

Don’t forget to smell the roses.

When I saw that I am expecting a boy during the Ultrasound, I asked my Doctor “What am I going to do?”

For me, having a daughter was no big deal, I knew how to raise her . I didn’t have any brothers and I had absolutely no idea how to raise a boy. But there was one thing I was sure, I will never forget while raising my boy,.it was to remember that one day my son will be a husband and there is no way I want my daughter in law to come and tell me that I screwed up raising her husband.

When my son was in grade 7, he regularly posted on FB “What a nasty mean mother his mom is”

It all started with an Ipod touch. All his friends had an ipod touch and during their free time, they all played angry birds. He already had an ipod and I didn’t see the need for him to have another one. So I said “No”. He wasn’t happy.  Then he did some consultancy work and earned enough money to buy his own ipod touch. I still said “No”

“It is my money, I can do what I want” He said.

“You live in my home and you will do what I tell you to do till you are 18 and only then you are legally free to do what you want” I said.

I had already explained to him that he already has an Ipod and doesn’t need another one. he needs to save his money for Uni and that he will get a smartphone when he is in grade 9.

But he wasn’t happy and decided to publicly humiliate me by regularly posting on FB about how horrible and mean his mother is. It also didn’t help that his friends too tried to rile him up. In one of his post, he was talking about the latest graphics card ( that costs an arm and a leg) and a friend of his replied ” dude, your mom won’t even get you an Ipod touch and there is no way she will buy you a graphics card”

My point was to teach him to understand a simple word “no”.  It is a word every boy ought to learn to live with.  It is a word that if they didn’t learn can create a lot of havoc in their life. I didn’t want my son to think that he is entitled to everything  because he happens to be a male and can strut around expecting everyone to fall at his feet..

It did hurt me when he was ranting on FB and I wondered if I was making the right decision. After all he can spend the money he earned however he wished.

After a month of ranting and not seeing me react, he gave up.

He used the money to buy sensors for his robot.

This week he is meeting a visiting Professor from  a famous American Uni for dinner to talk about his invention.. He got his suit dry cleaned and has been talking non stop about the opportunity to meet his hero.

And I have a memory of an elephant 🙂

So I asked him

“So, you still think your mom is nasty and mean?”

“What do you mean?” He asked bewildered

“do you remember all those FB rants when I didn’t let you buy an Ipod touch?”

“Geez Mom, you are never going to let me forget those days are you?”

“You did hurt my feelings” I told him the truth.

I wrote the final exam for my master’s degree when I was 8 months pregnant with my son. Yaya was 20 months old then and I remember trying to study at night before the exams, often I was too exhausted and  couldn’t even keep awake, let alone remember what I studied.

But I always wanted to study. It is not just for adding a row of alphabets after my name..it was a challenge to learn more.I felt the only person standing in front of me, preventing me from getting what I want is me. I live close to the Universities and I am eligible for HECS loan. Crazy as it sounds, I decided to go back to Uni and study again. I am doing my master’s degree majoring in Indigenous health.

I know it won’t be easy. I am 42 years old, I have three kids, up until now, I only had to handle work and home, now I must balance my studies, my work and my role as a mother. But sometimes, one need to take a leap of faith..Who knows where I will end up? But I won’t know that if I don’t take the leap right?.. So here I am.. all ready to study. ( again)

One of the most difficult thing to do when you come from a dysfunctional family is to talk about what you have gone through. Most automatically assume that you are talking about your miseries because you are on a mission to gather sympathies.. and then there is the fact that you need to keep fighting for your innocence, again because it is assumed that somehow all that happened to you was because you did something wrong. It is inconceivable to most people that bad things can happen to good people.

I am not a victim. I am a survivor.. I write, not because I need sympathy, but because I know I am not alone. There are so many people out there who will never be able to tell a soul what they have gone through. I want them to know they are not alone..

Maya Angelou wrote

But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone by Maya Angelou

I read this article yesterday and I wanted to share it here.

Homeless to Fabulous.

Away until Monday.

Have a Jolly good weekend.

S

Ever since the parent meeting regarding subject selection for grade 11 and 12, I have been asking Yaya, “what are you planning to do?” and each time I received the same reply ” Mom, I don’t want to think about it”. For which I tried to reply once ” But you have to make a decision, it is a mandatory requirement” and she came after me like a banshee and told me off by saying “Mom, I am not stupid, I know I have to make a decision, but I don’t want to do it now, so leave me alone”

I know she is stressed. This decision she has to make will affect her future. It is too much to ask a 15 year old to choose the subjects only based on following her heart. Sometimes you have to study subjects you don’t like if it meant that you can get a degree in a field you want to study. ( I hate statistics, but it was a mandatory requirement for my master’s degree)

Yaya is also like me.. do everything in the very last minute..so how can I get angry with her?

I had some pending work that needed to be completed last night. I only got home at 9.30 pm after basketball game. Dinner was in the slow cooker and I told the kids to serve themselves and sat down to do my work. 5 minutes later, with a bowl of hot steaming pumpkin risotto in her hand, my oldest child walked  in to my room. “Mom, the teacher told me today that I have to hand in my subject selection tomorrow morning”

“And?” I asked knowing very well where we are heading.

“What subjects I should take?”

What I wanted to say was : How should I know, have I not asked you the past 2 weeks and have you not yelled at me? Now can’t you see that I am busy and haven’t even had time to eat my dinner? I have to get this work done today, so do whatever you want, I don’t give a damn” Honestly, I said all that in my head and counted to 100, so I won’t scream at her.

Because I didn’t say anything, she thought I was ignoring her and said ” You could help me you know, that is what parents are for” I took a deep breath and forced myself to smile. “What help you need?” I asked with a 70mm smile.

“Should I take Physics or Biology?”

I know she hates science, besides, physics is all about doing problems and biology is all about memorising. So I told her “Both are easy, but the only thing is, you will have to spend time practicing problem solving in Physics, whereas Biology is pretty straight forward.. there is no trick questions involved.”

“But what if I want to do sound engineering? Physics is a mandatory subject for sound engineering”

Chances that Yaya will do sound engineering is pretty slim. So I told her, “if you are really keen to do sound engineering, you can always do 6 months physics course at TAFE and upgrade after grade 12. As it is, you finish grade 12 in October and can only join US Universities the next September, so you have enough time to upgrade.”

We, the two blind mice spend the rest of the evening trying to figure out what Yaya should do. So far, She has decided to do English, Spanish and History as her IB higher level, maths, visual arts and Biology as standard level subjects.

Now, I am scared. Have I helped her to chose the right subjects or have I screwed it all up.. I know time will tell..I only hope that I didn’t screw up my child’s future.