She looked so beautiful..

The last time I saw amma was just before I left for the Airport to catch the flight back home. She was at my Aunt’s house and I went there to say my goodbye to both of them. What I remember the most that day was how beautiful Amma looked.

Amma was living with me for 6 months prior to that. When she came to stay with me, she brought with her one nighty , cream colour with tiny pink roses and a faded black under skirt. There are no nighty shops here and Amma only wanted to wear the achan kuppayam.. every night she washed her nighty and wore it again..and again.. and again for 6 months. She didn’t want to go to the salon for a hair cut either. By the 2nd month, her face had a permanent frown and by the 3rd month, she chose to stay in her room all day and night, often taking the food to her room to eat. I have always believed that a family that eats together stays together and have always made sure that we eat our dinner together and it was really painful to watch my mom taking the food to her room to eat. It made me feel like I am running an inn, not a home.

She didn’t want to go anywhere, didn’t want to spend time with her grandchildren and only spoke to me once a week when it was time to see her favourite mallu serial on youtube..( I just can’t remember the name. if I am not mistaken the ending was rushed because an actor committed suicide) I had no idea how to deal with my mother, more so because she was on a war path with me for no apparent reason. I was so annoyed with her by time I took her to India.. But that day, (when I was leaving), when I saw her, the first thought that came to my mind was ” She looks so beautiful” She wore a baby blue colour nighty, had a hair cut and the frown on her face had gone. I knew, I will never see her again..and I have safely stored that image of my mother in my mind.

It is 3 years since I last saw my mother. They say, time heals..but they are lying. Time doesn’t heal..it torments you every hour of every day..

11 thoughts on “She looked so beautiful..

  1. Ente manasaputhri? One of the main actors, also Shanti Krishna’s ex-husband, had committed suicide when it was about to be over.

    Sorry things aren’t going well with your mom. 🙁

    • Anitha: Yes, that was the name, I was under the impression that lead actress was a Nepali.. at least that was what Amma told me and I was searching for Nepali actress in Kerala. 🙂

    • Anitha: You have no idea how grateful I am to you for posting that link. I was feeling miserable yesterday and reading that article helped me a lot.. it helped me knowing that, I am not alone.

  2. You are right, time does not heal. The pain and burden I carry will never go. I have forgiven and moved on, but the pain stays. People assume that when we smile, and have a good time we have forgotten the past. I completely understand what you say. Hugs sarah

    • Shankari: Do you know what is really hard? When you read about a murderer..you can hate them..because the crime they did was heinous.You don’t think of the good things, they did in their life, you feel justified hating them for their crime. But in Amma’s case, sometimes she was nice..( though most of the time she was horrible).. I hate her, yet a part of me feels terrible for hating her when she was nice at times..

  3. Some time back while on official duty at Trivandrum airport I met an elderly woman attired in the traditional Kerala Christian “mundu” “chatta” and “neryath” with the typical extra large ear rings (mekka mothiram?), returning from Germany. I teased her “Ammachi was enjoying stay abroad”. She said, “What enjoyment mone, I was suffocating there. Remained indoors always with the baby of my daughter. Now I feel better”.

    • Bipin: Thelma( My neighbour) will be 80 this sep. She was born and raised in Zimbabwe. !0 years ago, when her daughter had cancer, she came over to take care of her. It was her first trip out of Zimbabwe. She ate bugs, went for hunting and was living in the bush ( in her family ranch) before she came here. She had no friends here, no one even spoke her mother tongue. But since she arrived, she joined the local tennis club, church walk in club, gardening club etc..She plays Tennis, does the gardening, cook and clean her daughter’s house.
      Brisbane is beautiful, the weather is neither too cold, nor too hot, almost all the stuff you grow in Kerala, grows here. I live close to two beautiful parks. The only thing I didn’t have was an Indian TV channel.I even subscribed Vanitha magazine for her. Amma had a choice to adapt, she chose not to. If she felt she was suffocating, it was a choice she made. It is unfair and unreasonable to expect a mini kerala wherever you go.

  4. This post made me think of my own mom. I do love my mom but cant hit a conversation with her. Most times find myself playing the adult role to protect her feelings. See some of my friends’s mom wish my mom was like that and see how their moms step up so well into parent and grand mother role and take charge. Often get the feeling no matter how much you do and try to be the best daughter , you always fall short and only the comparison how someone else’s kid is doing for parents remains. Sigh!!

    • Shari: When Yaya had her 13th birthday, Amma hid in her room, didn’t even come out once..not even when Yaya cut her cake. Yaya is Amma’s first grandchild. I can no longer play the role of a perfect daughter to Amma.. it takes so much out of me

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