The bus came on time and as usual I got my favourite seat. Some of my classmates were still trying to do their homework in the bus. I felt proud knowing that I finished all my homework and don’t have to do any last minute job. I wasn’t good at all in my studies. When we came back from Malaysia, I had to write an entrance exam at the Stanley memorial School to be eligible to attend the english medium class. I studied all the subjects till then in Malay. My english ability was limited to the alphabets.
My mother tried to teach me english before the test.
She would ask questions like
What is your name?
I answered 10
How old are you?
My name is Nina
What is your father’s name
Appa
After trying unsuccesfully to teach me english Amma told me, she wasn’t sure if I was an idiot or if I am plain dumb. I couldn’t answer a single question for the test. 52 students wrote the test and I succesfully scored the lowest mark, It was easy for Maria, she already completed grade 10 in Malaysia and was writing her grade 12 again in Kerala. While Maria was the best student in grade 10, I was struggling at grade 5 learning malayalam first and all the subjects in malayalam.

Mrs Mathew is my class teacher and the first lesson on monday was her subject maths. As soon as she came in to the class she asked the class prefect Rani to collect all the home work books. She asked all of us to read silently while she corrected our home work. Suddenly I heard her calling out my name.
“Nina Thomas, where is your homework?”
I got up and looked at her stunned,why is she asking me for my homework when I have done it already. I replied, it is there in the book ma’am.
“Where?” She yelled again
I quickly walked to her table and searched for my homework in the note book. The pages were empty, no sign of my homework.
“What is your excuse Nina this time? Did the dog eat your home work? Or did the ghost steal your homework?”
“How could you cheat me by passing up your empty home work book”
You will be punished
She started screaming. I tried to tell her that I did my homework. But there was no way I could prove that to her.
“Get out of the class Nina, I don’t want liars in my class. You are a shame to the orthodox Christian community. You came from Malaysia, Is this what they teach in the school there? Go and stand in the play ground. I really hope you will learn a lesson. “
“your sister Maria, she is such a good student. She does all her work properly. Shame on you Nina, coming from a good family and trying to cheat and lie”
I tried to explain to my teacher, but she was getting more and more agitated and I walked to the playground and looked for a shady spot. There weren’t any. I could see all the kids in the school watching me, while I stood outside in the hot sun. My legs were hurting and sweat was trickling down my face and neck. I tried to figure out what happend to my homework. There was only one explanation…

Dr. Jacob Cheriyan was my mother’s only brother. He work as a doctor in New York. Once a year he comes home for a visit with his wife Molly aunty and two sons, Rajeev and Sajeev. I dread their visit.
First of all my cousins don’t speak malayalam and I don’t speak english. We have language confusion that eventually becomes a comedy of errors.
One time Rajeev wanted to go swimming in the river near our home and came to me and asked
“Nina, do you have a turkey towel?”. When someone speaks english in an American accent you only hear one or two words. The only word I heard was Turkey and the only turkey I know is the one we eat every christmas. I thought may be he got confused after seeing the hens in our house. May be he wanted to eat a turkey. I tried to explain to him they are not turkey, they are kozhi (chicken).
‘If you want to eat kozhi (chicken) you have to ask Akkachi’
He shouted at me and told me “ You stupid,I didn’ ask you for chicken. I asked you for a towel”
Now ‘stupid’ is one english word I know, no one calls me Stupid.
“you bodoh (stupid in Malay). I replied.
“What is bodoh?” he asked
I grinned and replied “bodoh Rajeev”.
He got angry with me kicked me and bolted. I wasn’t going to leave him alone. I ran after him and grabbed his hand and bit him hard. He howled at the top of his voice and that brought the whole house down. He showed Amma the bite mark on his hand and unfortunately there was no evidence of his kick on my body. Amma was mad at me for disgracing our guests and all because of one towel I got grounded.
After that incident Rajeev would make “gobble gobble” sound every time he saw me. I promised myself, One day I will learn to speak to english, better than Rajeev.

Because my uncle work as a doctor in America and read all the latest studies, he felt the need to inform his sister the importance to have fiber in the diet. He told my mother “The new studies show that lack of fibre in the diet is causing cancer of the stomach and intestine.”
‘In America,we don’t eat appam and dosai for breakfast anymore. There is no fibre in Appam and dosai, We only have cereal for breakfast ’
He asked his sister ‘ Do you remember how in the olden days they used to make appam with the husk removed from the rice and wheat flour (thavid appam)?’
My mother nodded her head. Definetely in those times no one had cancer of the stomach and the intestine. So the latest study is correct. Lack of fibre in the diet cause cancer.
As we don’t get any breakfast cereal in Kottayam, the discussion at the family conference soon progressed as to how we would add more fibre in our ordinary Malayalee diet. It was soon decided that we will no longer sift the wheat flour and remove the golden fibre. My uncle and his family went back to America and breakfast cereal and it was the end of the soft chapathi at our residence and the beginning of me feeding the birds at the bus stand. I quickly rolled my chapathi and placed it in my school bag. I will dispose it off on the way to school. I drank a glass of milk and collected my lunch box from Akkachi. On my way out I said bye to my parents. Liza and Sally were already outside the house waiting for my father to start his bike. On a normal day amma would give them a kiss before they go to school and today I know it won’t happen. I kissed both of them and wished them a good day at school. I walk alone to the bus stand at Collectorate junction everyday. While waiting for the school bus, I took the chapathi from my school bag and broke it in to small pieces and dropped it to the ground. I know the crows would see it soon and eat.

Appa woke me up when we reached home. I went to the toilet to brush my teeth. My younger sisters were already asleep. Maria, my eldest sister and I share one bedroom. My younger sisters Liza and sally sleep in the 2nd bedroom and My parents sleep in the master bedroom.
Before I went to bed Amma asked me
“Nina, have you done all your home work?”
“Yes Amma, I completed all my work before we went to Chengannur”.
Maria was already asleep and I really wanted to wake her up and tell her that Appa and amma were fighting earlier. We take turns to watch our parents so nothing untoward happens in the middle of the night. I tried shaking her. She was sound asleep. I was tired and wanted to sleep. Before I went to bed I quietly tiptoed to my parents bedroom and stood outside listening to any sound from inside. There was no sound and I went back to my room and knealt down and prayed to Parumala Thirumeni to keep my mother safe and grant my parents long life, sense and sensibilty.
My father was working as an engineer for the Malaysian Public service. My parents decided to come back to Kerala so we can study in Indian Universities. Every time when my parents fight Ammachi would say “God was taking a nap when he decided to join these two people in holy matrimony”. It was absolutely true, if marriages were made in heaven, then there has to be a major mistake that made my parents get married to each other.
It was a marriage that joined Ms. Perfect to Mr. Macho man, and their marriage life was like a pressure cooker on the fire. The tension was omnipresent and sometimes it would just sizzle, sometimes the pressure would be released and most of the time it just exploded. Maria and I are the peacekeepers always on duty. I was scared to sleep. I thought of a day that we would live peacefully and happy and sometime in the night I slept off.

Akkachi, our maid woke me up at 6.30 in the morning. I quickly went my parents room to check if my mother is alive. Amma was brushing her hair and getting ready for work. She worked as an accountant for the Indian telecommunications. I quietly walked to the kitchen and told Maria and Akkachi about the fight in the night. I warned my younger sisters Liza and Sally not to make any sound and get ready for school. I didn’t want them to do anything that would trigger my parents to start another fight. I brushed my teeth and quickly wore my uniform,Yellow blouse and green skirt. Akkachi hand wash my uniform and irons it every morning. It is a great feeling to wear freshly ironed uniform each morning. Akkachi got my younger sisters ready for school. My father would drop them to school on his way to work.
Every monday, we have Chapathi for breakfast and I no longer like to eat it. The chapathi at our house is rock hard. Akkachi used to make soft Chapathi earlier. It all changed when my American unlce and his family came home for a visit.

We had to walk to Chengannur bus station to catch the bus to Kottayam. Living with my parents for the last 10 years has taught me that as long as I don’t let them talk to each other, everything would be fine. I would keep asking my dad stupid questions so he would be busy talking to me. Although I was really tired today, I was determined not to let my parents talk to each other. My father knows about planets and stars, so I decided to ask him about stars today. I pointed the brightest star in the sky and asked him
“What star is that?”
My father looked at the sky and told me,
“Nina, that is not a star, it is a planet”. I didn’t expect my mother to open her mouth. But she couldn’t waste an opportunity and retorted in a mocking voice,
“yeah,planet, your father works for the planetorium to know which is a star and planet”
My father stopped walking and alarm bells started ringing viciously in my head and I didn’t know how to diffuse the tension.
“never mind Appa, I know it is a planet, let us go home”
My father gave me that look which tells me things have gone out of control. My mother kept on walking and my father yelled to my mother
“STOP RIGHT THERE”.
That order is like an army command and my mother stopped in her tracks. My father walked to her and used his hand and slapped her across the face. Many people were walking on the road and no one stopped to diffuse the tension. It is a domestic dispute and though it is happening right in the middle of a public road, no one bothered to interfere.
I ran to my father, tried to pull him away from my mother,
‘Appa, please don’t hit amma.’
Let us go home. We will miss the bus.
I started tugging his shirt and he started to walk, he turned and warned my mother
‘Don’t you open your mouth’.
I hated myself for asking the dumb question which lead to all the trouble. I walked holding my father’s right hand tightly, so even if my mother said anything, he wouldn’t be able to hit her again.
Before we got on to the last bus to Kottayam, my father checked his wallet for ticket money. Most of the times the conductor of the last bus wouldn’t have enough loose change and because all the shops are closed and there is no way one can change the big note to small denominations, one is forced to either give off( or donate) the balance to the conductor or give him the exact amount. My father only had a RS.50 note on him and he turned and asked my mother, “ Do you have any change?”
I quickly gripped his hand tight. My mother pretended she didn’t hear the question and turned her head and looked the oter side. She is obeying his command. He is the one who told her not to open her mouth and she decided to do just that. I looked around and there were lots of people in the bus stand. My father tried to shake me off his hand and I pleaded to him, ‘ Appa please, don’t fight’. Perhaps my father saw my scared face . He decided not to fight. The bus was crowded and my mother managed to get a seat in the ladies side. I didn’t want to sit with her. She would be mad at me for asking the stupidest question and making them fight and for getting the slap from appa and I know she would pinch me.
My father told me ‘Nina, go sit with your mother’ I shook my head, ‘ No appa, I want to stand with you’ I gave him the best smile I could offer and he lifted me up and carried me all through the journey. I must have slept off, because I don’t remember the walk back home from the Kottayam bus stand.

It is already getting late and the rain has almost stopped. Ammachi switched on the light in the veranda. There was only a glimmer of light coming from the 60W bulb. My father once told me the reason. Chengannur town doesn’t have its own transformer and the power is not sufficient to light all the houses in the village.
Ammachi and I looked at the bulb and we knew there is no point in wasting electricity. Ammachi switched of the light and went to the kitchen. She took the oil lamp from the counter and lighted it. She then lit the hurricane lamp and gave it to me. I went to the veranda and hung it on the hook. I looked for my parents on the bund. It was pitch dark outside and I couldn’t see them. I was getting worried as my parents haven’t returned yet.
I always live under the fear of my father killing my mother. For me the only possible explanation for them to be late is my mother would have made my father mad and he would have killed her as he has promised all the times they fought and the police would have arrested him and taken to jail. I thought about how I will live the rest of my life as an orphan.
I asked Ammachi
“Why are they so late?” Ammachi saw the anxious look on my face and told me
“I am sure they would be home soon, why don’t we make dinner?’ Ammachi went inside the granary and measured two cups of rice. She asked me ‘ Do you want to clean the rice and wash it?’
I shook my head and answered ‘No’.
I was too scared to go near the well in the dark. I could hear the crickets chirping cheerily and the frogs croaking in the paddy field. I know snakes would come out during the twilight.
Ammachi went out by herself and drew the water from the well and cleaned the rice. She came inside, put few pieces dried firewood in the stove and using scrap paper lighted the fire. Every time the fire was nearly dying out, Ammachi would use a small metal pipe and blow in to the fire and the fire would burn again. She cooked rice porridge. There was left over fish curry and payaru thoran from the afternoon.
We went back to the veranda. Mosquitoes were now biting me all over my body. From the distance I could see the swaying light from the torch and knew my parents are coming. I was relieved knowing that my mother is alive. Suddenly I didn’t like the darkness and mosquitoes and the shrill cry of the cricket. I wanted to go back to my parent’s house in Kottayam.

After the men ate, the remaining food was served in the kitchen for the women. All the women rushed to get a share of what was left. All the while they were eating the boiled tapioca and fish curry and later munching the vada, I sat there hoping someone would offer me something to eat. I was told by mother that I should wait for someone to offer me food and I have been waiting, my last meal was in the morning and all the walk to the church and wedding and the walk to your grandfather’s house has made me very tired. I was hungry, tired and scared. I tasted what hunger is for the first time in my life. I was the center of all the discussion yet no one thought of giving me something to eat. The smell of parippu payasam with cashew nuts fried in ghee would make any sane person hungry and the payasam that I thought I would get to drink as much as I wanted for getting married was finished by all the woman and some were even scraping the burnt part from the bottom of the vessel and eating it with fresh milk.”

“My father left me in the evening and I remember crying and running behind him and begging him not to leave me alone in your Appachan’s house. Your appachan came to me and told me in a gruff voice‘ Chinnamma you are my wife now and this is your home. You will be staying here all the time’ “
I was so angry with your appachan for taking me away from my parents and I bit him on his hand when he tried to pull me inside the house! Seeing this my mother-in-law swore and cursed me and took the broom that was lying there and hit me on my head. I was given a mat and was told to sleep on the kitchen floor that night as a punishment.
“I slept thinking of my parents and my home and my friends that I left behind. I also realised that was the first of many days that I would be sleeping hungry and my eyes would always hurt in the morning after crying through out the night.”

“ Ammachi what did my Appachan look like?” I asked her again, hoping she would remember something about my grandfather

“I saw your appachan for the first time in the church. He looked the same size as my father and I thought he would have no trouble buying me a pavada(skirt).”

“The priest spoke in Syriac and I couldn’t understand most of what he said. He took the gold chain with the cross pendent and blessed it and placed it on my neck. He did the same for your Appachan. Then he took the rings, blessed it. H then gave one ring to Appachan and one to me and we exchanged the ring. The priest blessed the minnu(traditional Syrian christian thali with a cross embedded in it) and your Appachan tied the minnu on my neck. Afterwards your Appachan gave me a new neriyathu.”

Ammachi lifted her hand and showed me an old, nearly worn out ring and said’ this is the ring that tied me down to this house. A bond that was like a chain that I could never break free from.

I could see the anger in her grandmother’s eyes. I didn’t understand why Ammachi was angry. I was too scared to ask her. I was angry with myself for making her upset. But Ammachi continued her story.

“After the wedding, I had to wear the new neriyathu that your Appachan gave me. My mother and the other women relatives went back to our house. My father and few of the male relatives and Appachan’s family walked to your Appachan’s house for the wedding reception. I had never been there before. I had to follow the women and sit in the kitchen, while the men ate in the courtyard. There was boiled tapioca fish curry parippuvada(fritters) and payasam(kheer).”

“While waiting for the men to finish the meal, your Appachan’s sisters came and took my hand to survey the gold bangle Kunjannamma Kochamma had given me that morning. They were discussing how much it weighed and what is the resale value. Some of the women asked my mother-in-law how much dowry my parents paid. My mother in law shook her head and grumbled,
‘Oh nothing much. I am sure they could have paid more. I can’t believe they send their only daughter with a tiny little bangle. They even removed the blessed gold chain immediately after the marriage was solemnised.’
Rahelammai, who was your Appachan’s aunty said looking at me ‘ she is a beautiful girl and that an old man like your son was lucky to have found her’.
Ptew!! My mother-in law-spat the tobacco she was chewing in to the kolambi and said ‘ No, my son certainly could have gotten a prettier and richer bride’.

When the boy and his parents came for the traditional pennukanal ( viewing the bride to be)ceremony they came in a car and it was the first time people of chengannur saw a car. The whole village joined together and rejoiced with Kochammai on her good fortune. But at the church, just before the wedding everyone realized the groom’s family was cheating them all along. There at the altar, was the intended groom’s blind brother dressed in all wedding finery and wearing a dark Rayban sunglass and holding a beautifully carved teak walking stick. It was too late to cancel the wedding, probably the elders knew even if they did cancel the wedding, no one would come forward and marry Kochammai. She is already considered unlucky. How will anyone marry a woman whose marriage failed at the altar!
The wedding went ahead. But after the ceremony much to everyone’s surprise Kochammai’s father refused to send her to her husband’s place. He asked his daughter “Do you want to follow your husband and go to his house?”
“Kochammai shook her head and said no”.
He took his daughter’s hand and walked towards home. Leaving behind a stunned congregation of family members and friends from both sides of the family.
At home Kochammai’s mother tried to convince her husband that the marriage was already solemnised. She told him
“of course, the grooms family cheated us, but the fact remains, the wedding has been solemnised and our daughter is now the boy’s wife.” Besides, although the groom is blind, they are rich and our daughter can live like a queen there.
Appachan didn’t say anything. He sat on the easy chair in the veranda staring at the horizon.
That evening, the priest and a few elders from the church came to the house and tried to convince Appachan to send his daughter to her husband’s house. They argued that the only fault the groom had was his blindness. They asked Appachan,
“what if he became blind after the wedding? Would you then bring your daughter back home?”
Appachan just shook his head and replied, ‘ I didn’t agree to marry my daughter to a blind man and she doesn’t want to go with him, and I will not force her.’
Kochammai never went to her husband’s house and she never re-married again. She passed away a year before I was born but her story was often told in the family as no one in the family wanted to forget how Kochammai’s life had been destroyed. even before she had a chance to live it

“After the priest went back, everyone continued to munch the banana chips and talk and sing. Then sometime late in the night my father told my mother, It is time we sleep, tomorrow is going to be long day. That night I slept between my mother and Kunjannamma Kochamma.

“The next morning my mother got me dressed in a chatta and mundu, which she taught me how to tie. After getting dressed, mother made me sit on a stool in the living room where visitors could see me. Kunjannamma Kochamma came and sat next to me. She took my hand and rubbed little oil over it. She then squeezed my palm and put a gold bangle around my wrist. She told me,

‘Thangamma, you are getting married today and I want you to be a good girl and listen to your husband. When you go to his house, his mother might ask you to give her this gold bangle. You must tell her you can’t remove it from your hand because the bangle is too small and it would hurt your hand to take it off. You should only remove this bangle if there ever is a time you need money and can’t get it from anyone, then you can sell or pawn it. But you must remember that you have nothing else left to sell once you sell this bangle.’
I looked at her and nodded my head. She then reminded my mother to get my father’s gold chain with the cross pendant. It is required in the church as part of the wedding ceremony. When my mother placed the chain with the cross pendant on my neck, Kunajannamma Kochamma told my mother,
‘Don’t forget to remove the chain immediately after the wedding, otherwise the grooms family will assume that the chain was part of the dowry and may not return it.’

“All the visitors came inside to see me, and I could hear them saying how beautiful and matured I looked. Then my father told my mother it was time to go to the church. Suddenly my mother started to cry and I didn’t understand why. Seeing her tears I too started to cry. All the women consoled my mother. They told me not to cry or I would look ugly with swollen eyes. My father was getting impatient and he organized all the men and they started to walk towards the church. Then the women got together and walked to the church, with me walking in the front.

“I hardly knew how to walk wearing the mundu., At one stage, I lifted the front part of the mundu so it was easier to walk and then felt my ears being twisted and turned as my mother hissed.

’ You are going to be a wife and you are lifting your mundu and showing everyone your leg?! She scolded me under her breath,’Eente karthave ! (oh my god!)When is this child going to learn how to behave like a woman?

Fortuntely kochammai consoled her, ‘Now, now, it is her first day of wearing mundu, be patient, she will be a good wife’.

I have never seen Kochammai, but have often heard that she was a gentle, kind and extremely beautiful woman. She was Ammachi’s aunty (mother’s youngest sister). Kochammai was wheatish in colour and had light green eyes and very long black hair. Everyone called her poochakkanni(cat’s eye lady). The green eye probably was from her Syrian ancestors. By the time Kochammai was ten years old there were marriage proposals for her from far away places, all after hearing how beautiful she was. Her family wanted to find the most suitable boy for her, and they were overjoyed when a proposal came for her from a very rich family based in Thiruvanathapuram..

Returning to my grandmother’s wedding story, I asked Ammachi, “ where did they cook the food ?”
“Oh, they cooked at the back of our house. They used three huge stones and built a stove outside the house. They used wood fire and placed huge pots on it. Mathaichettan would direct the men- one would be slicing the green banana to make chips, another would be cleaning the fish and vegetables.
And every few minutes Mathaichettan would take the toddy bottle from inside his sarong and take a sip. When my father saw him drinking the toddy, he told him,
‘Eda Mathai, don’t you dare get drunk!’ And Mathaichettan grinned and told my father , ‘Aiyo ente Achaya, I was just drinking some water. The fire is hot and I am thirsty.’
By afternoon Mathaichettan started to sing, banging the pots and plates. My father was angry with him for getting drunk but didn’t say anything. Mathaichettam was a well known cook. He was also worried that if he scolds Mathaichettan, he might get angry and probably make a scene and that wouldn’t be nice on the eve of a wedding.

“The priest arrived in time for the evening prayer. All the women covered their heads and my mother gave me a towel to cover mine with. After the prayer, the priest blessed the food. The men ate first, sitting in the outside on the benches, after all the men ate then the women ate in the kitchen. Everyone gorged on the feast Mathaichettan’s men made: rice with fish curry, fried beef, avial and pappadam. Everyone agreed Pappichettan’s son inherited his skills and knacks from his father.

“After everyone finished eating, Thampichayan’s wife, Kunjannamma Kochamma, sat me on a stool and anointed my hair with oil and the women started to sing the Rabban Pattu.”
“Ammachi, what is anointing the head and what did they sing?”
“Vinu anointing the head with oil is our custom and the song tells us the story of Syrian Christians”. Ammachi proceeded to sing the Rabban pattu.

Pandorunalthu
Padinjare nattinnu
Vela kapplil
Yesode siyen
Nattil vannu……..
“After anointing my head with oil, Kunjannamma Kochamma then took me for the ritual bath. After the bath I had to come inside the house and sit on a white piece of cloth and my mother gave me a piece of banana cooked in syrup to eat. Then all the women started to yodel.” Ammachi placed her left hand over her upper lips and with her right index finger showed me how to yodel. I tried to follow Ammachi’s instruction to see if I could yodel. Ammachi told me ”with a little bit of practice you can yodel well” Then she looked at me as though she has second thoughts and told me. “No Nina, Don’t practice at home. Your mother wouldn’t like it”