I felt time stood still, the only thing that changed was Liza’s eyes. I saw her squinting her eyes and looking at the knife in my hand and then she looked at me. Her eyes were wide open and I watched her mouth opening and she started to scream. “Amma, Aiyyo Amma”
I heard Amma yelling and running towards Liza
Aunty and Sally too was screaming and I didn’t understand why everyone was screaming.
I saw Liza clutching her belly and bending down and Amma running to hold her
“Are you ok Liza?” Amma was crying, then she looked at me
“How could you Nina? How could you? What is the difference between you and your father? Apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree! Does it? chekuthanu chekuthante santhathi.. allathenna?”
“Are you ok Liza?” Amma was holding Liza
“She tried to stab me Amma” Liza pointed her fingers at me and started to weep” She tried to kill me Amma”
“I know money, I saw that. Don’t you know that she is your father’s daughter, saint on the outside and a devil on the inside. Look at her! She is doing medicine and learning to save other people’s life, and at home, she wants to kill her own sister. Shame on you Nina, I should tell your principal that you are a disgrace to your profession”
“Amma, she started it, she slapped me” I replied
“Oh nallakaraym! So what Nina? If I slap you, would you kill me too? I won’t be surprised if you did that. You are as evil as your father”
I remembered the last time I thought of strangling Amma.
Amma was right. I was evil.
I looked at the knife in my hand, the edge was slightly curved and tip was pointed and I realized what I just did. I aimed it at my sister. I did exactly what my father did all those times he fought with my mother. I remembered how much I despised my father, each time he showed his violent nature, yet when it suited me, I too didn’t hesitate to follow his paths. I felt sick holding the knife. Sally was standing next to me and I handed the knife to her.
That was the moment I realized, I could get out of my family, but my family would never get out of me.
I went and sat down on the mattress couch. I could see Amma checking Liza’s hand to see where she has cut herself. Amma was muttering
“nasham, enthinano medical college nnu ingottu pokkiyeduthu vannathu, avidenganum kidannal porey! bakki olloney kashtapeduthan undaya oru janmam(why does she want to come home when she could just stay at the medical college hostel! Born to make her mother’s life miserable!
Aunty was looking at me and at Amma and Amma told her
“You saw? Did you see how irresponsible she is? She is the oldest sister and she should be a good role model for her younger sisters, did you see what she was trying to do? How do you expect me to raise her?”
“Never mind aunty, people make mistakes” Aunty replied
“Never mind? What if she actually stabbed my daughter? What would happen to her?” Amma pushed Sally towards Aunty. “Who will marry her?”
“Who will marry a girl, whose sister is in jail for murder? Do you know how sharp this knife is? Amma pointed to the knife in Sally’s hand
My husband bought it for me from Persia. She knows this knife is sharp. What if Liza accidentally moved forward and the knife poked her heart? What would she do then? Is this how medical students behave? She is 19 already, tell me aunty, what else should I do? Who will tell her to be responsible?
Aunty came and sat next to me
“Nina, you have to be more responsible. You have to support your mother and sisters”
“Responsible? She doesn’t even know what that word means. She leaves the fan on full blast. She doesn’t care that I have to pay the electricity bill.” I watched Amma walking towards the washing machine and lifting the plastic bag from Nilgiris that I kept on top of the machine.
“What is this?” Amma asked
I didn’t bother to answer, she has eyes to see what it is.
“You see aunty” Amma brought the plastic bag towards us and showed aunty the contents.
“Mangosteen! She bought mangosteen. It doesn’t matter to her that, I am struggling to raise my children on my small pension. She is a royal princess No? She can only eat expensive stuff, No?”
“How much was the mangosteen Nina?”
I didn’t reply, there was no point in replying when you are tried for crimes against ones own family and the only witness was a kilo of mangosteen.
“Sally how much was the mangosteen?” Amma asked
“23 Rs” She replied
I looked at my baby sister. May be she would tell Amma, exactly why I bought the mangosteen and why we brought it home, instead of eating it all by ourselves. She knows the truth doesn’t she? She could save me, couldn’t she?
“23 Rs? 23 Rs? You spend 23 Rs?” Amma was screaming and I noticed the more agitated she was, the squeakier her voice became. It sounded as though someone was strangling her.
“That money was enough to buy a new sneakers for your sister. You know your sister needs new sneakers, Don’t you? Did you not know that your sister was selected for the college sports team? Where am I going to get the money to buy a pair of sneakers Nina? Does your father care? Talk to me Nina, Does your father care?”
I didn’t have anything to say
“How can you Nina? How can you live like this? When will you ever think that you have sisters? Sometimes I wonder if the hospital made a mistake and switched babies. You couldn’t have been my child. I couldn’t have given birth to such an incredibly selfish child”
What are the chances that I was indeed someone else’s child? Do I have another mother somewhere in this world? Does she miss me? Would she be happy, if she knew that her real daughter is going to be a doctor? May be I should go back to Malaysia and search for them. May be they would accept me back. It was wonderful thinking that I actually might have a wonderful family somewhere in Malaysia. But I knew it isn’t possible. Even if all three of my sisters were switched at birth, I wouldn’t have been. I have the similar birth marks like my father and I look exactly like him. May be it was just coincidence, I told myself. But the sensible one refused to accept the coincidence theory. You just can’t have two moles in the same hand at the same place like your father. One cafe au lait patch just below the elbow and a black mole in the upper arm.
All these years I was proud to be my father’s daughter. I was proud to be the only one in the family who inherited the same birth marks of my father. But now, I hated it. If it wasn’t there, I could have had the possibility of being the child of some other parents in Malaysia

My Favourite song

This ain’t a song for the broken-hearted

No silent prayer for the faith-departed

I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd

You’re gonna hear my voice When I shout it out loud

]It’s my life

It’s now or never

I ain’t gonna live forever

I just want to live while I’m alive (It’s my life)

My heart is like an open highway

Like Frankie said I did it my way

I just wanna live while I’m alive

It’s my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground

For Tommy and Gina who never backed down

Tomorrow’s getting harder make no mistake

Luck ain’t even lucky Got to make your own breaks

It’s my life

And it’s now or never

I ain’t gonna live forever

I just want to live while I’m alive (It’s my life)

My heart is like an open highway

Like Frankie said I did it my way

I just want to live while I’m alive ‘Cause it’s my life

Better stand tall when they’re calling you out

Don’t bend, don’t break, baby, don’t back down

It’s my life

And it’s now or never

‘Cause I ain’t gonna live forever

I just want to live while I’m alive (It’s my life)

My memories are such that, there are things that I want to forget, but will always remember and there are things I want to remember, but somehow just can’t remember..
Some memories are pretty painful and I didn’t want to write, because I didn’t want to relive those memories.. but I guess there isn’t any point trying to hide it when I have come this far..What I am about to write happened on the same day Liza fought with Amma asking for new dresses.

“Come, let us go” I held Sally’s hand and started to walk down Brigade road.
“Nina,can we stop by the Nilgiri’s fruit stall?” Sally asked
“hmm” I mumbled
I was feeling morose for the way my heart was behaving when I met the Sting lookalike at Mac’s. I absolutely, definitely, certainly loved Beautiful Eyes. He meant the world to me, yet when I saw a handsome guy, I was attracted to him. That was not right. I shouldn’t have felt that way.
Am I too suffering from the same illness that all the adults in my family are suffering from?
My father, a married man with four daughters was living with some woman. My mother was having an affair with her brother while she was married to my father and my oldest sister is now going out with the same man, who my mother was going out with, who is old enough to be her father and here I am, dating two guys and still was attracted to a stranger.
The thought itself was disgusting. I felt, I was enveloped in layers after layers of filth and it was choking me. I wanted to strip each layer and get out. But the thing is, I was already at the bottom and I couldn’t see the way out. I knew I wouldn’t be able to escape.
I shook my head vigorously, No, I will. I will get out of this hell hole.
Sally was looking at all the fruits arranged neatly in cane baskets. On one side of the shops, there were stacks of big juicy Alphonso mangoes in wooden crates. Next to it on the shelf , there were baskets of apples, grapes and oranges.
“Come Sally, let us go” I held her hand and started to walk
“Wait Nina, what fruit is that?” Sally pointed to the basket on the extreme right corner
“Mangosteen”
“What fruit is Mangosteen?”
“Sally, Mangosteen is a fruit”
“I know. How does it taste?”
The shop keeper and few of the customers were looking at us. I looked at my baby sister. Why is she acting so dumb and pretending that she hasn’t eaten mangsteen before? There was a mangosteen tree in our house when we were in Malaysia. I could still picture her wearing an orange colour panties that Amma stitched for her with frills at the back and refusing to wear any t shirt and running around the house holding the mangosteen. She must have been about 2 years old.
“Stop acting dumb Sally, You have eaten mangosteen before”
“No, I haven’t”
“Yes you have”
Now everyone at the shop was looking at us
“Come let us go”
“No, you tell me when I have eaten it?”
“Do you remember the mangosteen tree in our house?”
“Which house?”
“Old house”
“There was no mangosteen tree in our old house”
I looked at the shop keeper, he was looking at me as though I am the world’s greatest liar
“Yes there was. By the side of the house, there was a mangosteen tree”
“By the side of the house there was no tree, there couldn’t be any tree, because there was a wall there”
I could hear people laughing
“Which house are you talking about Sally?” I asked her
“Which house are you talking about?” She sounded so angry
I didn’t want to say the word Malaysia, I didn’t want anyone to know that we are Malaysians.
“Never mind, let us go” I started to walk
“No, you tell me. When did I eat Mangosteen?” Sally held my hand tightly.
That was it. I yelled at her
“Remember the house in Penang? Do you remember the drive way? Do you remember the hibiscus plants by the side of the drive way? Do you remember the coconut tree? Do you remember how you used to collect vellakka so you could grow your own coconut tree? Do you remember the rose apple tree by the side of the drive way? Do you remember the mangosteen tree behind the rose apple tree?”
Sally was staring at me, then she shook her head.
“No Nina, I don’t remember anything”
“That isn’t my problem” I replied
I pushed away her hand and started to walk. I was mad at Sally for making everyone at the shop think that I am a liar.
“Nina, wait”
I could hear her running towards me, I didn’t bother to stop.
“Nina, I am sorry” Sally held my hand
“Sally let go off my hand”
“Sorry Nina” She let go off my hand and we walked silently to the bus stop in front of GK vale shop.
I leaned against the telephone poll near the bus stop. Sally stood next to me and both of looked at all the buses that was coming up the road. There was no sign of the bus to Austin town.
“Nina” Sally called me
“hmm” I mumbled
“Were we happy when we were in Penang?”
“Yes, very”
“Then why did we come to India?”
“I don’t know. I guess Appa wanted Amma to take care of Ammachi and”
I was just about to say that Amma wanted to be close to George. I realized Sally was too young to understand how complicated our life was.
“And what?” Sally asked
“And schools were better here” I lied
“I don’t remember anything in Penang” Sally replied
“You were a little baby”
I understood why Sally didn’t remember eating Mangosteen.I suddenly felt guilty for being so mean to my sister.
“Come” I held her hand and started to walk
“Where are we going?”
“I will buy you Mangosteen. You will really like it”
“Really?”
“Really”

We bought a kilo of mangostein which cost 23 Rs. We didn’t want to eat without sharing it with Amma and Liza, so we decided to go home first.
We got off the bus and walked towards home quickly. I wanted to surprise Amma. She wouldn’t even know we get mangosteen in Bangalore.
I opened the gate quickly and ran up the steps, even before reaching the door I yelled
“Amma, see what I got?”
There was no response. Amma must be in her room I thought. The door was slightly ajar. Which wasn’t usual. We always left the door completely open during the day, so it won’t be very hot and dark inside the house. I pushed the door open and stood still. The landlady was sitting on the mattress couch and was tying a long piece of cloth on Amma’s hand. There was blood everywhere
“Amma what happened?” I asked her.
Tears were rolling down Amma’s cheeks.
“Aunty What happened?” I asked the landlady
“Your sister tried to kill herself” the landlady whispered
“What? Is she ok?” I ran to her room. Liza was laying down on her bed. There was blood and glass pieces everywhere. I wondered where the glass pieces came from and I looked around. The mirror on the Godrej cupboard was broken. I looked at Liza. She was staring at the ceiling, She didn’t look like she was dead.
“Liza, are you ok?” I asked
She didn’t reply
“Nina” The land lady called
I turned to look at her. She moved her hand and asked me to come towards her. I walked to where she was sitting
“Go and hide this” She took the knife from underneath my pillow. I stared at the knife. My mother always complained that her kitchen knife isn’t sharp enough and finally Appa had bought her a knife that was guaranteed never to go blunt for 25 years. It was so sharp that Amma never used it. I had even forgotten that we had such a knife. I took the blood stained knife from the land lady’s hand.
“Hurry, before your sister see, go and hide it” land lady was almost yelling at me. I took the knife and started to walk towards Amma’s room and I heard Liza running after me
I turned while holding the knife behind me and faced her
“Give me the knife” She was howling and pushing me like a maniac, Amma and the land lady and Sally ran towards me and in between all the chaos Liza slapped me. It felt as though someone set off fireworks in my eye and I aimed the knife at my own sister.