All I ever wanted was to be a doctor. Yet when I got admission to do medicine, Instead of sheer exhilaration, all I felt was numbness. There was no jumping up and down, shouting a cry of victory, there was no calling friends and relatives telling them the good news, there was nothing. I felt scared and vulnerable and there was no one to talk to about my fear. I thought, I should have taken Pre-degree home-science. I could have done B.Sc home-science and married a rich ABCD, whose major requirement at the marriage market is a beautiful wife who knows how to cook and clean. I suddenly felt I bit more than I could chew.

“Nina, we need to go to the tailor to stitch a white coat. Acha suggested that we stitch the coat with pant material, so you won’t feel cold in Bangalore during winter”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t understand myself anymore. How much I wanted to wear a white coat, yet when I had managed to achieve my dreams, I didn’t feel the happiness I thought I would feel.
I followed Amma like a lamb following the shepherd and went to the tailor shop in town. When the tailore asked me
“How long you want your to be?”
I looked at Amma
“Make it the same length as where the saree pallav would be, so it won’t look like she has a tail!”
Tailor laughed at the joke and I felt even more scared. I didn’t think that I would have to wear a saree. Till now I was only wearing skirts, that too midi skirts. Actually I don’t even know how to tie a saree properly. I wish I could wear the saree like Maria. She wears it like Sonia Gandhi( wife of Rajiv Gandhi, Prime minister of India). There are no creases on the left side, when Maria wears a saree, while I look like an overfilled walking mail bag.
“Shall I stitch a pocket inside the coat as well?” Tailor interrupted me from my reverie
I looked at my mother.
“For what?” Amma asked the tailor
“She can keep her purse and other important stuff in the inside pocket”
“Ok” Amma agreed
I felt stupid, as I had no opinions and I am going to be a doctor.

“Amma, when are you buying sarees for me?” I asked Amma on the way back home
“Oh that! I told Acha to buy some for you and send it through Maria”
“Why Amma? Why did you have to ask Acha to buy sarees for me?” I was so mad I thought I would kill my mother that instant. Didn’t she hear what that bastard did to me?
“Oh for heavens sake Nina, use your common sense. Sarees are expensive here. Acha can get them cheaper in Bangalore”
“You can get cheaper sarees here too Amma”
“yeah, not the same quality”
I didn’t want to respond. How much ever I tried to break free from that man’s clutches, that much my own mother tries to being him in to my life. I can never escape from the trap he set, and now I am going to Bangalore, his territory. ‘Why oh why I wanted to be a doctor?’
5 days before I had to report at the medical college, Maria came home.

“Amma, I bought 5 cotton sarees and 5 synthetic sarees. All of them can be worn with a simple black blouse, besides, no one sees the blouse under the lab coat”
Nobody even asked me, what colour I like, or what kind of saree I want to wear. I watched Maria taking out the sarees from her bag. There was not a single saree of my dreams. I wanted plain silk sarees(light blue or green) with a simple border, instead all the sarees were dark colour printed ones.
New sarees have a unique nice smell and all my sarees smelled Maria’s perfume
“You wore my sarees!”
“Ofcourse I did.”
“Why Maria? Why can’t you leave my new clothes alone?”
“Oh Nina, you have the nerve to speak to your sister like that? How can you be so ungrateful? She brought the sarees and carried it all the way home and you are complaining? Which sister does all these for their siblings? What is wrong, if your sister wear your saree first?”
“Amma, it is my sarees and I should be the one who wears it first!”
“Oh really? Why , the new saree has three tails and 6 legs?”

May be there is something really wrong with me. Why am I fighting for silly things like this? I didn’t have any answer. I promised myself, One day, when I earn my own money, I will be able to buy my own sarees and I will wear them first.

Amma and Maria were busy getting everything ready for my hostel life. Amma made chammanthi podi, and fish pickle for me. Maria took the sarees to Seematti to get the matching colour blouse material. She was going to her favourite tailor to get the blouses stitched for me.
“What time will you be back?” I asked her
“Why?” She looked at me suspeciously
“nah nothing. I just asked”
I, so very badly wanted to go to Chengannur and see Ammachi. Maria being home, meant I couldn’t sneak out. She is already suspecious, because I was dumb enough to ask her, what time she would come back. If I go to Chengannur now and Maria finds that, I went out somewhere, that is enough for Amma to kill me.

I felt I am all alone in this world. There were a lot of things on my mind. I was worried about speaking english. Though I read english novels, I haven’t spoken a single sentence in English till now. I was worried about ragging at the medical college. Maria has been to a professional college, even she didn’t bother to ask me, if I need any help. I just wanted to speak to someone, and I had no one.

2 days before I had to leave, Amma and Maria was in my room packing my bags. I watched them silently. Liza and Sally were helping Maria to fold the saree and put the matching blouse and skirt inside each saree.
It started to rain heavy outside. Every few minutes the ligthing illuminated my room through the window. and we could hear a thunder storm approaching our house.
“Nina, instead of sitting dowm and doing nothing, go get the candle and match sticks. Power is going to go off any minute now” Amma spoke
I got up slowly and walked to the kitchen. Just as I reached the kitchen, there was a massive lightning and power went off. There was darkness all around me and I heard the thunder. It was so loud, I thought my ear drums would burst. I wanted to scream. Before I could scream, there was yet another burst of lightining and I held my hands to my ears. I counted silently 1 sec, 2 sec, 3 sec, 4 sec and I heard the thunder. I knew the thunder storm is probably over our house.
“Amma, I am scared” I heard Sally speaking
“Nina, did you get the candle? It is on top of the fridge” Amma was yelling.
“What is taking you so long? I shouldn’t have asked you. I should have taken it myself” I heard Amma cursing.
Just as I reached to grab the candle from the top of the fridge, I heard a very familiar sound. It sounded just like my father’s whistling. Amma and my sisters too must have heard the sound, as suddenly there was a pin drop silence inside the house. I concentrated for the sound and again I heard the whistling. I ran to the living room. I heard Liza yelling,”it is Appa. Oh Appa has come home”
I watched Amma opening the main door and as the lightining flashed across the sky, I saw the silhouette of my father standing near the entrance.

When I went to my room, I could hear my mother calling me ‘pezha’ over and over in my head. I couldn’t understand how my mother could call me that name, when I have done nothing wrong. How can I be a pezha just because I got a letter from an old sunday school friend? It was obvious that my mother hated me. It is ok for her to go ‘just over there’ every other day, it is ok for Maria to be with my psycho uncle, but it isn’t ok for me to receive a letter from a friend.
I wanted to be able to hate my mother like the way Maria hates her. But I just couldn’t do it. I was afraid that, if I treated my mother badly, my future children will also treat me badly. I was afraid that, what goes around will come around. I didn’t want my kids to do to me what Maria is doing to my mother.

I thought about John Daniel. I hated him for what he did to me. Why did he have to write my dear queen. It is because of him, I got in to all these troubles. I took the piece of paper with his address written on it and I tore it in to tiny pieces, that even Amma won’t be able to glue it back together. I don’t need friends who bring unnecessary troubles.

Why do I get in to all these troubles? I had no idea. I didn’t bother to get up and eat dinner. When my stomach started to growl, I remembered my father and how he used to make us eat our dinner, so our athmavu(soul) won’t curse us in the night. I wished he would come home. He is all I had.

When I woke up in the morning, Amma was sitting at the dining table and reading the paper. The letter she tore and threw was still on the floor. I knew Amma was waiting for me to pick up the pieces.’Woman, You are not going to get the satisfaction of seeing me sorting through the torn pieces of paper and read the letter. I won’t die just because I didn’t read the letter’. Suddenly I realized, I am becoming Maria, I called Amma ‘woman’. I actually enjoyed the feeling of calling my mother ‘woman’ instead of the traditional respectful’ Amma'(albiet silently). I felt there is nothing worng in calling her ‘ woman’. After all she is a woman. I wondered what her reaction would be, if she knew what I am thinking. She would be hurt for sure. But she is the one who started this name calling business, so it is only fair that, she too gets a nice name.
I knew before Amma went to work, she would have taken a mental photos of the torn papers on the floor. She desperately needed the satisfaction of making me suffer. I felt two can play the same game. I avoided walking anywhere near the letter. I didn’t even bother to sweep the room.

In the evening I waited for Amma to come home. I made myself a nice cup of coffee and I sat at the dining table waiting in anticipation. When I heard the living room door open, I quickly grabbed the news paper and pretended to read. I could hear Amma’s footsteps coming closer and closer. My heart was beating so fast, I thought it would pop out of my chest. When Amma reached the dining room, I lifted my head casually and looked at her. I saw her gaze moving from the letter on the floor to me. My heart leapt with joy. I beat my mother in her own game. I took the coffee from the table and walked to my room. As I passed her I spoke silently” make your own coffee, woman!”

“Amma, did you manage to get Maria’s address?” I asked her
“No”
“Did you ask for the address?”
“No”
“Why not? How can you not want to know where your daughter is staying?”
“What is your problem Nina? If she doesn’t want me, then why should I look for her?”
“For heaven’s sake Amma, Maria is your daughter”
“Then she should act like one”
I don’t know what got in to my mother. All of a sudden she is not bothered about Maria, while I was worried what ‘that man’ is up to. There was no way I could get Amma to help my sister. Maria stopped existing in my mother’s world.
Then it occured to me, perhaps if I do medicine in Bangalore, I will be closer to Maria. I can have an eye on her. My plan was simple, I will hand in empty sheets for all the entrance exams except the exams for the colleges in Bangalore. I knew it could backfire as all my hope is in one single entrance exam. But I didn’t want to stay in Kerala or Vellore for 5 years, when my sister is alone in Bangalore.

The first exam was the common entrance exam. Amma asked me in the morning
“Nina do you want me to come with you?”
“No Amma, I am fine” I didn’t want Amma to see what I am planning to do.

When I reached the exam hall, as usual everyone was busy revising. I leaned on the wall and watched eveyone around me. One girl was crying saying she forgot to revise chapter 20 in her guide book, another one was running around finding the answer for some question that is for sure to come this year’s exam. When the bell rang, I walked inside confidentally and found my seat. I looked around me. My eyes met another set from across the room., He was staring at me and when our eyes met, he smiled.
‘How does he know me?’ I wondered. I wasn’t sure and I looked down. When the bell rang again, the invigilator opened the envelope and started to pass the question paper. When the invigilator handed the question to the the girl who was sitting infront of me, I watched her placing it on her desk, holding her hands together and praying. She then proceded to draw a cross on her question paper. I was not at all worried or stressed. The guy on the right corner was turning around and looking at me every few minutes and even the invigilator noticed it. I didn’t want to get in to any trouble, so I opened the question paper and read the questions. I knew the answers to most of the questions. I wondered if I am being stupid to purposely fail. But Maria only had me and I wanted to make sure, I will be there for her.
When the bell rang, I handed my answer sheets. I walked outside. I had to wait another hour for the second half of the exam.
“Hey,do you remember me?”
I turned and looked at the guy who was smiling at me earlier.
I shook my head
“You were my queen”
“huh?” I was getting annoyed with him, because I knew he was lying. I was never his queen. I started to walk away from him
“Nina, I am serious”
‘Oh no, he knows my name’ . I started to get worried
He walked closer to me and spoke” Remember 6 years ago, sunday school annual day, we had a drama about Queen Esther. You were queen Esther. Remember who was the king?”
“Oh my goodness, you are John Daniel. You look so different now. When did you come back from Gulf?”
“I came back 4 years ago, I am doing degree at SB college. My parents and my brother Jacob are still living in Dubai. I stay with my grand parents.”
“Aha! so you must be enjoying life”
“Enjoying? You must be kidding. If I am 5 minutes late from college, My grandmother will call my parents and tell them that, she can’t take care of me, because I am being too irresponsible! I am not even allowed to go out and watch a movie with my friends!”
“hmm” I nodded my head
“So tell me, how are all our friends at the church? What is Jacob Chandy doing now?”
“No idea”
“You don’t go to church anymore?”
“nah, I haven’t been to the church for so long”
“You are lucky. I have to go to church every sunday with my grand parents!.”
“pavam(poor you!)” I replied
“So how did you do the exam this morning?”
“half and half” I lied “How did you do?”
“I didn’t do well, but I am not worried. If I don’t pass this year, my dad is planning to pay donation and get admission for me at Ramaiah college Bangalore”
“You are going to Bangalore? So am I” I was so happy to knowing that atleast I will have someone I know in Bangalore
“Really?”
“hmmm” I nodded.
“Give me your address, so we can keep in touch”
“Ok” I gave him Amma’s address thinking that, Amma won’t be mad, if John did write, because I gave her address instead of the home address. Anyway I had nothing to hide. Amma knows John’s parents.

I had completely forgotten about John, till 2 weeks later Amma came home and called me
“Nina” She yelled
I was in my room reading a mills and boons novel and I wondered why is she yelling? My sisters must have left the light on in the living room. I should have checked to make sure the light was off before Amma came home. When you read Mills and Boon, you don’t want to get up half way through and now I am going to pay for my laziness
As I reached the living room, I noticed that the light was off.
“What is it Amma?”
“Who is John?”
I tried to remember, but I couldn’t.
“I don’t know Amma” I shook my head
“You don’t know? You liar? Then how did he get my office address?” I watched Amma opening her hand bag and taking a letter out. My head was still inside the mills and boon story and even then I didn’t realize, it was John Daniel’s letter
Amma walked to where I was standing and I least expected her to slap me. She held my hair and pushed me back on to the wall and started to scream
“You think I am an idiot? He is written, my dear queen, and you don’t know him? She was pounding on my body and slamming my body to the wall. I tried to explain, while trying to protect me from her blows
“Amma, Please stop hitting me. That is John Daniel. We acted in a sunday school drama together 6 years ago. I was queen Esther and he was the king. I met him when I went to write the entrance exam”
I thought when Amma heard the truth, she would apologize, Instead I watched her tearing the letter and throwing it infront of me and said
“nee pezha aadi” ( you are a slut)

I woke up in the morning, desperately hoping that all that happend last night was nothing but a very very bad dream. My family is strong and nothing will happne to us. I was very sure of that. Though I was upbeat with hope, there was a sense of eerie calmth at my house. It felt like someone died, but no one was crying.
I got up from my bed and walked to the kitchen. As I passed the dining room, I looked outside. It was a beautiful day. When I entered the kitchen, a stream of light was coming in through the exhaust vent near the stove. It felt scary and haunted and I quickly opened both kitchen doors and the window near the sink. The sudden brightness in the kitchen was very soothing. I could hear children from our neighbourhood talking and laughing. I heard the milk man ringing the bell and I took the milk pot and walked towards the main door. When I passed the dining table, the plate with dosai that I kept for my mother was still there, as if to remind me that all of what happend last night wasn’t just a dream. I kept the milk pot on the table, took the plate and threw the darned plate with the dosai in to the sink. It made so much sound and I heard Amma yelling from her bed room
“What are you breaking in the kitchen, first thing in the morning Nina? Go and get the milk, Shankaran has been ringing the bell the last 10 minutes. I have 4 daughters and the milk man has to wait hours outside the gate for all the royal princess to wake up”
‘here we go again, complaints and complaints. My mother is full of complaints’ I mumbled and quickly went to collect the milk.
I placed the milk pot on fire to boil. I heard footsteps and looked out to see, Maria sitting at the dining table. She opened a black bag and took out bottles and bottles of medicines and placed them on to the table.
‘Why is my sister taking all these medicines? Is she dying?
I had to stir the milk to make sure, it won’t boil over, at the same time, I wanted to see what Maria was up to. Every few minutes, I stirred the milk and quickly walked to the door to see what Maria was up to. Most of the medicines were in big brown bottles. They must be ayurvedic.
When the milk boiled, I quickly took it off from fire and walked to the dining room
“Why are you taking all these medicines Maria?” Half expecting her to yell at me
“Acha got them for me”
“For what?”
“He says, I am anaemic and I have gastro intestinal bleeding”
“How does he know that?”
“He says that is why I am always tired”
I was about to say, I didn’t realize that civil service officials were also part time doctors.
“Did you know, most of the medications can interact with each other and give you a bad reaction? So I have to make sure, I don’t take the wrong combinations.”
I didn’t bother to ask her, how she knew that, because I knew the answer. ‘Mighty Acha knows everything’
Maria took a big bottle with light blue medicine and took 2 table spoon of that.
“This is Phosformin, it is good for memory. Acha specially brought this for me”
The transformation from a super intelligent IIT graduate to pill popping junkie was quick. I wondered How do I shake my sister and make her see what this man is doing to her?
“Why don’t you start taking Phosformin Nina? It will increase your memory for sure”
Before I could answer, Amma was in the room
“Why are you taking all these medicines Maria?” Amma asked
Maria ignored Amma and started to put all the medicines back in the bag
“I am talking to you Maria” I watched Maria zipping up the bag and Amma snatching the bag from her hand. Both of them were fighting over the bag and Amma pushed Maria away and opened the bag. She took the bottle that was on top.
“dashamoola arishtam(ayurvedic medicine)? Why are you taking this medicine Maria? This is for woman who gave birth! Why are you taking it Maria?” Amma was screaming. Maria snatched the bag from Amma’s hands and ran to her room.
I looked at my sister who was running to her room and my mother who was standing next to me. Nothing made sense to me. I couldn’t understand what is going on. Why is chechy taking medicine meant for women who gave birth. She has only been to Bangalore for 3 months. You can’t give birth in three months. My mother must have gone crazy.
I went back to my room. My family needed help and there was no one to help us. I couldn’t talk to Ammachi, I couldn’t talk to Appa. I had no one to lean on. I wish I would atleast have a boyfriend with strong shoulders that I could lean on. I knew I could fight all these battles, but I so very badly wanted somone to stand by me. All I had was me and my shadow
“Nina” I heard a soft whisper that was soaked in fear
“What is it Liza?” I quickly got up from the bed
“Maria is cutting all our photographs”
“What? What photographs?”
“Everything Nina”
I ran to Maria’s room. On the floor was all our albums. She has cut her picture from all the photos. Even the one of my grandfather’s funeral photo. That was my favourite photo. My grandfather died before I was born and that was the only photo we had of him. In the photo, all the grandchildren stood infront of the casket with his body and now there was a gaping hole, instead of Maria’s face.
“Have you gone mad Maria? Why are you damaging all the photos?”
I looked at my mother’s wedding album that was on Maria’s bed.. Amma had kept all of Maria’s pictures in her wedding album. Maria has cut her face from every single photo. Even Maria’s group dance photo was not spared. There was a photo of her with 2 of her friends posing in their dance costume and now the photo had just 2 of the dancers.
I saw Amma coming in to the room and surveying the damage. Amma didn’t say a word. Within minutes I watched Maria taking her bags and leaving. I didn’t really think she was leaving our home. I thought may be she was just taking her bags to the living room. I heard the gate opening and I ran outside. Maria was struggling, carrying her heavy bags up the steep road.
“Maria wait. I will get an auto for you” I spoke
She started to run and only then all I realized, my sister came like a hurricane and in 2 days caused more damage than my father did in the 17 years since I was born.
“Go to hell Maria. Go to Hell Maria, I hope you rot in hell” I cussed
I slammed the gate shut. The gate hit the embankment and swung open. I ran after the gate, held it and slammed it shut again, this time holding it in such a way that, it won’t open. The slamming didn’t provide enough noise and I kicked the gate to make some more noise.
I remembered my mother. I was worried how she is going to take all these and I ran inside. Amma was sitting on Maria’s bed with Liza standing next to her holding a bottle of fevicol. I watched my mother dipping her hand in the fevicol bottle and smearing liberal doses of fevicol at the back of each and every photo and sticking it back on the album. This is the same woman, who meassured a spoonful of fevicol and gave me, when I wanted to make a dancing queen craft work so that I won’t waste any fevicol. I watched blotches of fevicol coming out from the sides of the photos. I knew all the photos are going to stick to each other and make a mess. I will clean it later. Let Amma finish her work. I thought to myself.
“Now no one will take any of these photos. No one will be able to tear these photos anymore. Fevicol is the strongest glue available in India”
I wanted to tell her that it is a waste to keep any of the photos, as there were no photos that escaped Maria’s scissor hands, except Amma’s wedding photos. Maria being the oldest was in all our childhood photos and now all those photos were damaged. Does my sister think that just because she isn’t in any of family photos, she stopped being part of our family? I didn’t understand her logic anymore, but I did develop an aversion to taking and keeping photos that lasts to this day