All I ever wanted was to be a doctor. Yet when I got admission to do medicine, Instead of sheer exhilaration, all I felt was numbness. There was no jumping up and down, shouting a cry of victory, there was no calling friends and relatives telling them the good news, there was nothing. I felt scared and vulnerable and there was no one to talk to about my fear. I thought, I should have taken Pre-degree home-science. I could have done B.Sc home-science and married a rich ABCD, whose major requirement at the marriage market is a beautiful wife who knows how to cook and clean. I suddenly felt I bit more than I could chew.

“Nina, we need to go to the tailor to stitch a white coat. Acha suggested that we stitch the coat with pant material, so you won’t feel cold in Bangalore during winter”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t understand myself anymore. How much I wanted to wear a white coat, yet when I had managed to achieve my dreams, I didn’t feel the happiness I thought I would feel.
I followed Amma like a lamb following the shepherd and went to the tailor shop in town. When the tailore asked me
“How long you want your to be?”
I looked at Amma
“Make it the same length as where the saree pallav would be, so it won’t look like she has a tail!”
Tailor laughed at the joke and I felt even more scared. I didn’t think that I would have to wear a saree. Till now I was only wearing skirts, that too midi skirts. Actually I don’t even know how to tie a saree properly. I wish I could wear the saree like Maria. She wears it like Sonia Gandhi( wife of Rajiv Gandhi, Prime minister of India). There are no creases on the left side, when Maria wears a saree, while I look like an overfilled walking mail bag.
“Shall I stitch a pocket inside the coat as well?” Tailor interrupted me from my reverie
I looked at my mother.
“For what?” Amma asked the tailor
“She can keep her purse and other important stuff in the inside pocket”
“Ok” Amma agreed
I felt stupid, as I had no opinions and I am going to be a doctor.

“Amma, when are you buying sarees for me?” I asked Amma on the way back home
“Oh that! I told Acha to buy some for you and send it through Maria”
“Why Amma? Why did you have to ask Acha to buy sarees for me?” I was so mad I thought I would kill my mother that instant. Didn’t she hear what that bastard did to me?
“Oh for heavens sake Nina, use your common sense. Sarees are expensive here. Acha can get them cheaper in Bangalore”
“You can get cheaper sarees here too Amma”
“yeah, not the same quality”
I didn’t want to respond. How much ever I tried to break free from that man’s clutches, that much my own mother tries to being him in to my life. I can never escape from the trap he set, and now I am going to Bangalore, his territory. ‘Why oh why I wanted to be a doctor?’
5 days before I had to report at the medical college, Maria came home.

“Amma, I bought 5 cotton sarees and 5 synthetic sarees. All of them can be worn with a simple black blouse, besides, no one sees the blouse under the lab coat”
Nobody even asked me, what colour I like, or what kind of saree I want to wear. I watched Maria taking out the sarees from her bag. There was not a single saree of my dreams. I wanted plain silk sarees(light blue or green) with a simple border, instead all the sarees were dark colour printed ones.
New sarees have a unique nice smell and all my sarees smelled Maria’s perfume
“You wore my sarees!”
“Ofcourse I did.”
“Why Maria? Why can’t you leave my new clothes alone?”
“Oh Nina, you have the nerve to speak to your sister like that? How can you be so ungrateful? She brought the sarees and carried it all the way home and you are complaining? Which sister does all these for their siblings? What is wrong, if your sister wear your saree first?”
“Amma, it is my sarees and I should be the one who wears it first!”
“Oh really? Why , the new saree has three tails and 6 legs?”

May be there is something really wrong with me. Why am I fighting for silly things like this? I didn’t have any answer. I promised myself, One day, when I earn my own money, I will be able to buy my own sarees and I will wear them first.

Amma and Maria were busy getting everything ready for my hostel life. Amma made chammanthi podi, and fish pickle for me. Maria took the sarees to Seematti to get the matching colour blouse material. She was going to her favourite tailor to get the blouses stitched for me.
“What time will you be back?” I asked her
“Why?” She looked at me suspeciously
“nah nothing. I just asked”
I, so very badly wanted to go to Chengannur and see Ammachi. Maria being home, meant I couldn’t sneak out. She is already suspecious, because I was dumb enough to ask her, what time she would come back. If I go to Chengannur now and Maria finds that, I went out somewhere, that is enough for Amma to kill me.

I felt I am all alone in this world. There were a lot of things on my mind. I was worried about speaking english. Though I read english novels, I haven’t spoken a single sentence in English till now. I was worried about ragging at the medical college. Maria has been to a professional college, even she didn’t bother to ask me, if I need any help. I just wanted to speak to someone, and I had no one.

2 days before I had to leave, Amma and Maria was in my room packing my bags. I watched them silently. Liza and Sally were helping Maria to fold the saree and put the matching blouse and skirt inside each saree.
It started to rain heavy outside. Every few minutes the ligthing illuminated my room through the window. and we could hear a thunder storm approaching our house.
“Nina, instead of sitting dowm and doing nothing, go get the candle and match sticks. Power is going to go off any minute now” Amma spoke
I got up slowly and walked to the kitchen. Just as I reached the kitchen, there was a massive lightning and power went off. There was darkness all around me and I heard the thunder. It was so loud, I thought my ear drums would burst. I wanted to scream. Before I could scream, there was yet another burst of lightining and I held my hands to my ears. I counted silently 1 sec, 2 sec, 3 sec, 4 sec and I heard the thunder. I knew the thunder storm is probably over our house.
“Amma, I am scared” I heard Sally speaking
“Nina, did you get the candle? It is on top of the fridge” Amma was yelling.
“What is taking you so long? I shouldn’t have asked you. I should have taken it myself” I heard Amma cursing.
Just as I reached to grab the candle from the top of the fridge, I heard a very familiar sound. It sounded just like my father’s whistling. Amma and my sisters too must have heard the sound, as suddenly there was a pin drop silence inside the house. I concentrated for the sound and again I heard the whistling. I ran to the living room. I heard Liza yelling,”it is Appa. Oh Appa has come home”
I watched Amma opening the main door and as the lightining flashed across the sky, I saw the silhouette of my father standing near the entrance.