This song means so much to me.

The old hometown looks the same

as I step down from the train

And there to meet me is my mama and papa

And down the road I look and there runs Mary

hair of gold and lips like cherries

It’s good to touch the green green grass of home

Yes they’ll all come to meet me arms outreached smiling sweetly

It’s so good to touch the green green grass of home

The old house is still standing though the paint is cracked and dry

And there’s that old oak tree

that I used to play on

Down the lane I walk with my sweet Mary

hair of gold and lips like cherries

It’s good to touch the green green grass of home

Then I awake and look around me

at these four grey walls that surround me

And I realize that I was only dreaming

For there’s a guard

and there’s that sad old padre

arm in arm we’ll walk at daybreak

And again I’ll touch the green green grass of home

They’ll all come to see me in the shade of that old oak tree

As they lay me ‘neath the green green grass of home

I could hear someone knocking at the door.
Must be the cleaning lady. She is not supposed to clean the rooms in the morning. She is supposed to do that in the afternoon when the students are back from the classes. She must have seen my door unlocked and decided to sweep now so she can go home early.
Idiot, won’t let me sleep. I was so annoyed and angry with her.
“Come in. The door isn’t locked” I hollered.
I did hear her opening the door, but I didn’t bother to take the blanket off my face. Light always made my migraine worst.
There was an eerie kind of silence and instantly I knew there was something wrong.
I pulled the blanket off my face and looked at the door.
I was pretty sure my heart stopped beating.
There in the doorway stood Princy, asst Princy, warden, asst warden and all the cleaning ladies.
All that was missing in the parade was the chanting of political slogans and a flag.

And I was still in my home clothes, aka a t shirt (that I had painted with wordings that were funny/cute/daring as a teenager) and an old faded salwar bottom.
I got up and sat in the bed. There was no way I could get up from the bed without embarrassing myself. I had been wanting to stitch the torn ‘mootti ‘ of my salwar.

I had been!

There is nothing more embarrassing than to sit in your own bed, in your own room and be a public display to strangers.
I looked at the princy hoping he is old enough to understand how embarrassing this is turning out to be for me and close the damn door, so I can get dressed.
He was waiting to have eye contact and he screamed
“What are you doing here? Why didn’t you go for the morning rounds?”
I thought of asking him the same. The nerve he has.
“I have migraine sir” I replied.
“Migraine?”
“Yes, Sir”
“Do you have a medical certificate?”
Moron, how do you get a medical certificate for migraine, when you are having it right now? How do nitwits like him pass medicine and then practice medicine?
“No sir”
“Why?, how dare you ah?” He started to scream and yell and if he had known how my father behaves when he is angry, he would have known screaming and yelling at me is pointless. I tune myself out.
I looked at the happy gleaming face of the warden.
Why do people feel happy when someone is getting yelled at? What kind of a perverse satisfaction is that?
Idiots. Whole bunch of idiots.
“You have to bring your father before you are allowed to attend classes”.
“Make sure you have a word with her father” Princy spoke to the warden.
“Sir that is not going to be difficult” I spoke
Princy looked at me.
“My father works overseas Sir”
“Then bring your mother”
I wasn’t going to bring my mother for something so trivial. I was old enough to vote in India and if I wanted to skip a class, I had the right to do so and I will.
“that is also not possible sir. My mother lives with my father overseas sir”
Amma would have had a heart attack if she had heard me.
“Who is your local guardian?” Princy was screaming.
You don’t have to scream to ask a question, unless you are angry because you aren’t getting anywhere with me. I thought
“Currently no one sir. My parents have entrusted me with taking care of my younger sisters” I kind of indirectly told him that I am my own guardian at the same time I conveniently avoided talking about my older sister.
I thought Princy was going to have a heart attack or at least a stroke. His face looked so contorted.
“Get a medical certificate and come and see me this afternoon. Do you understand that?” He screamed so loud that I thought even the door shook. I thought of asking him if this was the best he could do? Then he needed to see my father in his element. he could get a few pointers from my dad as to how to ‘actually’ terrify innocent victims.
He huffed and turned to walk away. Vice Princy followed him like a dog following the master, then the warden, followed by the assistant warden. Finally it was the cleaning lady’s turn to leave and she looked at me with that look that said, ‘serves you right’ and I was the idiot who always gave my old clothes to her.
Gratitude in times of trouble? Nah!
“Amma, close the door” I ordered
She obeyed.
I pulled the blanket over my face and laid down.
I was so angry. So so so angry.
There should be a limit to invading someones personal space. No princy, no warden, no anyone had the right to invade my personal space.
And like everything in India, when it came to a woman, there were no rules, no laws, no nothing.
I couldn’t wait to get out of India.

I had been searching for this song for so long.
My father had a huge collection of music tapes from Thompson Original. (some company in Dubai). Those tapes used to have a thick plastic cover, not like the conventional tape covers.
In one of those good will days, he let me have few of his tapes.
I used to dance listening to this song while I was at the medical college.
Then I left India.
I had been wanting to listen to this song. Unfortunately I couldn’t remember who sang it, neither the title of the song.
All these years I googled looking for the key words”well Juana she runs the country” and never found anything.
This morning I remembered the song again and I finally found it.( I googled Give me hope Juana and google in all its smartness figured what I was looking for!)
I feel so good.

I had a very fretful sleep. I kept seeing Mariamma’s smiling face each time I tired to close my eyes. I so very badly wanted to sleep. But I couldn’t.
Since I couldn’t sleep , I thought I would get up and read something. I checked the clock. It was 1.30 Am. I didn’t want to switch on the light and disturb my roommates. I closed my eyes again and tried to count the sheep.
Flock of sheep
Herd of sheep
Pack of sheep
Trip of sheep
Drove of sheep.
There was one more word to describe a flock of sheep. I tried and tried to remember. But I couldn’t.
Counting sheep wasn’t a smart idea. I realized that a tad too late. Now I was even more restless. I hated it so much when I can’t remember something so simple.
I had to think of something else.
I thought about Arjun.
I knew I shouldn’t feel happy thinking about a jerk like him.
Actually I shouldn’t even think about him. I scolded myself for even trying to think about him. But there was something about him that was calming. I knew for sure he was so wrong for me and I knew I should be angry with him for the way he was treating me.
But my heart had totally different ideas. At that moment, if it wasn’t the middle of the night and if the hostel door wasn’t locked, I knew I would have been in Arjun’s arms. I wanted to be in his arms.
I shook my head hoping I can shake off the feelings.
I was screwed. I knew it and did nothing about it.

I woke up listening to MS singing Suprabatham. I was beginning to get bored with the song. I had been listening to the same song every morning since 1st MBBS.
There should be a law that protects people from being forced to listen to the same song every single morning. I thought.
I pulled my blanket over my face hoping I can block the sound. The thing with being partially deaf is, your hearing is acutely sensitive. The more I tried to block the song, the more I heard.I knew it was futile trying not to hear. I was so angry.
I was angry with my insensitive roommate who thinks nothing of playing the same song over and over. But more than anything, I didn’t want Lord Venketachala to have an auspicious morning.
Why should he have an auspicious day when a family is dealing with the loss of a loved one?
Why should he, when I am grieving?
“Hey, Nina Aren’t you going for the clinics?” Aparna shook my legs trying to wake me up.
I pulled the blanket off my face.
“No, I am not feeling well” I lied.
I wasn’t sick because of illness. I was sick of not being able to control anything in my life. I hated to be the puppet of some unknown force that decides everything for me and I simply have to follow whether I like it or not.
“Do you have a fever?” Aparna walked towards me and felt my forehead.
“Nah, I have a migraine”
“oh, Do you want me to bring breakfast for you from the mess?” Aparna asked
“No Aparna. Don’t worry about me. I just need to sleep it off and I will be fine”
“What about the door?” She asked
Usually I get Aparna to lock the door from outside whenever I bunk classes, so in the event Princy decides to do a spot check, I don’t get caught.
“Nah, Don’t bother. I want to go to the library later.”
“Ok, Bye”

Aparna was talking to Shylaja and I saw them leaving the room.
Two roommates.
Two individuals from two different worlds. One cared for others and the other one cared for herself.
I remembered Gibran’s Pearl story.

Then I remembered Ammachi telling me about finding my own pearl. Arjun wasn’t my pearl and I was tired of looking. I was going to settle for the fake pearl. I took a deep breath and realized I was really coming down with a migraine. I pulled the blanket over my face hoping to block off the light and the sound. Just as I was closing the door of happiness in my own life.