cocoon

“What do you want to eat?” Arjun passed the menu to me. I looked at the menu, there were so many things, appetisers, soups,salads, burgers and pizza. I wasn’t sure what I should order and I knew I would sound really naive if I asked Arjun for help to chose a meal for me. I have never been to a fast food restaurant in my life. I have only been to Indian restaurants that serve yummy ghee dosai or biriyani.
“What are you having?” I asked Arjun
“I think I will have the vege burger” He replied
I checked the menu and found the vege burger.
“I will have the same” I replied, silently sighing a relieved sigh.
When the waiter came, Arjun ordered
“2 vege burger, make sure you won’t put mayo in mine”
“What do you want to drink Nina?”
I chose the safest”Orange juice please”
“I will have a fruit punch and one orange juice for her” Arjun ordered
When the waiter left I asked Arjun
“Why did you say no Mayo on your burger?”
“mayo is made from egg and I am a vegetarian. I don’t eat egg”
“Oh, but you eat cake!”
“The egg in mayo is un cooked!”
“Oh”
I didn’t know that. I realized I had to read more about food, there was so much I didn’t know.
“So tell me, what are your hobbies apart from reading?” Arjun asked
He was the one who gets books for me, so he would know I like to read.
“Nothing else. I am not good at anything else”
“How come?”
“Don’t know. I was never interested in sports, was not good at drawing or any other artsy stuff”
“Hmm” Arjun mumbled
I remembered the same conversation I had with beautiful eyes and how much we laughed.
“What is your hobby apart from sleeping?” I asked him
“So you know eh? That I like to sleep till late morning?” He was smiling
“till late morning or mid afternoon?” I asked
“well, I would like to sleep till mid afternoon, but my pesky sister’s won’t let me, oh by the way they have been asking about you”
“Really?”
“Yes, they like you”
“hmm” I mumbled
I watched the waiter serving the food.
I picked up my burger to eat and even before I could take a bite, part of the lettuce along with the dressing fell on my lap. It was so embarrassing. I looked at Arjun to see if he had noticed. He was asking the waiter about the no mayo order. I quickly looked around to see if anyone else had noticed how clumsy I was. Fortunately no one saw. I used the napkin and carefully cleaned the sauce from my jeans. I felt so inadequate that I can’t even eat a burger without making a mess.
We ate in silence, mostly because I was concentrating on not to make a mess and eat my food properly and dignified.
“What time is it Nina?” Arjun asked
“6.45”
I noticed Arjun doesn’t have a watch. Why doesn’t he have a watch? How would he take the patient’s pulse without a watch?
“Oh no! I told my friends that we met them near Nilgiri’s around 6.30, come on Let’s go. We are late. Why didn’t you tell me that it was already 6.45 pm?”
“Arjun,You never asked”
He never told me that he was meeting his friends and how was I supposed to guess it?
“Come on let us go” He got up, picked up his jacket and called the waiter to bring the check. The waiter was serving another customer and I watched him going back inside the shop.
We both looked at the door for the waiter to come out. Every few seconds Arjun was cussing and swearing at the waiter and I felt so uncomfortable. I was just so relieved to see the waiter coming out with the bill. But to my surprise, he bypassed us and gave the bill to the diners at the other end of the shop.
“Mother fucker, lazy bone, I asked for the bill and he is serving someone else first.”
“Arjun Why are you swearing at him, they would have asked the bill first”
“But I am late”
“Arjun, you know that is not the waiter’s problem”
“Shut up” He yelled. I watched him marching to the counter inside the shop. I looked at the waiter. He was counting the money left by the diners. He picked up the loose change in the plate and I knew they would have paid very little tip. He must have been about 30 years old and just to earn an income he has to endure all these swearing by those who can afford to eat a burger paying 15 rs, pick up the loose changes left by the patrons like a beggar and then clean the table like a servant.
I watched Arjun coming out of the shop, he was still swearing.
“Come, let us go” He started to walk out
“Are you not leaving a tip?”
“What for? lazy bones like him don’t deserve a tip”
Waiter was looking at both of us and I wanted to apologize for the way my friend was behaving. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have the courage to open my wallet and leave some money as a tip. I was tied down by the friendship loyalty.
I hoped this guy would be working in the restaurant everyday, for I intended to pay him a good tip the next time I came here.

By the time we reached the Nilgiris a large crowd of youngsters were waiting for us
“Arjun” Screamed one of the girls “You are late, don’t tell me you slept off”
“Nina, meet my friends, the crescent park gang”
“Crescent park gang?” I asked
“almost all of them live in an apartment complex called Crescent park”
“Oh”
“So you must be Nina, I am sharon” One of the girls came and shook my hands,
I looked at her, her jeans was completely torn, her tee shirt had so many cuts in the sleeves and on the body. She was wearing stilettos. In one look you would know she was outgoing and a very happy person.
“Hey Sharon, is your earrings a new style” Arjun asked her
Only then I noticed her earrings, She had something like a piece of toothpick as earring.
“This one?” She pointed to her earrings. “No darling, I lost me diamond earring at the pool again!. When I lost it last time, my mother made me promise that I will wear a toothpick if I lost it again. I am honouring my promise”
wow, I thought. I don’t even own a diamond earring and if I lost it, I would have had to find a new place to live or my mother would have killed me.
“so Sharon, how many beers have you had today” Arjun asked her
“6.15” She replied. Everyone started to laugh.
“6.15?” What is that? I asked Arjun
“Oh that, Sharon doesn’t believe in cussing. So she says 6.15, letter F is the 6 the alphabet and O is the 15th”
“Oh”
Arjun introduced me to all of his friends, most of them were doing engineering and few were doing accountancy. Arjun and I were the only medicos.
“Can we go?” One of them asked and everyone started to walk towards their bikes and got ready to leave. It was fun watching the antics of Arjun’s friends. One of them tried to do wheelie every time he saw a pretty girl walking by the side. Then the tall guy on a yamaha bike motioned all the bikers behind him to watch him. He started to ride along by the side of another guy on a Yezdi bike and asked him if he wanted to share his cigarette. The 2nd biker was concentrating on the road and extended his left hand to get the cigarette. Instead of passing the unlit end, the tall guy passed the lit end of the cigarette and the unsuspecting biker on the 2nd bike yelped in pain and dropped the cigarette. Everyone started to laugh. I too laughed, because it looked funny.
Then I regretted laughing because I saw the way he was holding the bike handle and I knew he really burned his fingers and it would be painful.
By the time we reached the ground where the concert was happening, the area was crowded. There were so many people. The band started to play and everyone started to whistle and scream. I have never whistled in my life and I didn’t know how to whistle. Arjun and the gang were singing along with the band and I didn’t even know any of the songs. All the songs that I listen to were what my father listens to and I was sure Appa wouldn’t have even heard of a band named Rock Machine.
Soon everyone started to dance and I was like a flag pole. Apart from learning Bharatha natyam between the age of 6 till 9 and occasionally nodding my head to the beat, I have never danced. I felt so conscious of my body.
I watched in amazement as Sharon started to shake her body and dance. Soon one of the guys carried her on his shoulder and she was making so much of noise that at one time everyone forgot about the band playing the music.
I wanted to be like Sharon. I wanted the freedom. I wanted to enjoy my life. I wanted to come out of the malayalee cocoon I was stuck in, with layers of rules and regulations. The question wasn’t if it was right or wrong, it wasn’t about if I want or not. The question was if I would be able to break those barriers and if I did, how would it affect my future. Would I branded as a terrible person if I walked around in torn jeans or would I be labelled as westernized? If I was labelled, then would I be happy or not?

silly games

By the time I handed the specimen to Dr. Rajesh, I was having a splitting head ache. All I wanted was to lay down on my bed and sleep. May be this is all a nightmare. May be everything will be fine when I wake up. My head felt like it was going to explode. I just wanted to hide under my blanket. I walked quickly to my room. My room door was wide open and I saw Anitha and Aparna arranging bread and biscuits on the table. Two bottles of orange rasna was also on the table
“Oh Hi Nina, you are right on time, we are having a prayer meeting. Can you read the bible? I am thinking of starting the session with a reading of psalm 23”
“What?”
“See, I told you right? she always asks what, when you tell her something” Aparna was mocking me and talking to Anitha.
May be it was her attitude, may be because I had a head ache, I don’t know what made me so mad
“Listen, I have a splitting head ache, I need to sleep. If you want to conduct a prayer session, do it in your room” I yelled at Anitha
“But this is my room” Aparna spoke
“Also mine” I was ready for the battle
“I can do what I want in my room” Aparna spoke
“So can I”
“Aparna Don’t fight, we can always use my room” Anitha tried to pull Aparna away
“You know something Nina, you are the most selfish person I have ever seen in my life. Do you know nobody likes you here”
“I know, so? You think my world collapses because nobody likes me? You think I need your opinion for my survival?”
“You are a bitch of the first degree” Aparna yelled
I ignored her. I know I am not selfish. In fact I took care of her when she had jaundice, even Shailaja didn’t bother that time.
I went to lay down on my bed. I pulled the blanket over my face, hoping I can block the light, the sound and Kevin’s face.
I could hear Anitha convincing Aparna that they can have the prayer session in her room. I heard them taking the food and leaving. Aparna didn’t even bother to close the door. I could feel the light coming through my blanket from the door way. I got up and closed the door and went back to lay down.
More I tried to shut my eyes and hoped to erase the image, the more the image started to become clearer. I could even see his tiny eyes and I felt his eyes were asking me to save him, begging me to help him. I wondered what would have happened if I had grabbed the baby from the sink and ran to the Paeds? What would Dr. Nandita have done? At the back of my head the sensible Nina kept telling me, come on Nina, you know pre term babies have no chance of survival, their lungs aren’t matured to breath on their own. But the other Nina, the one who got to hold Kevin before and after kept asking What if? Miracles happen don’t they? I felt I was going crazy. I knew I needed to talk to someone. But who?
I wish I was still a little girl. Every time I fell down and hurt myself, I used to run to my father, who would then make me sit on his lap and while waving his hands in the air, he would chant the magic manthra
kudu kudu manthram
kukkudu manthram
chunnambu manthram
porukkumbam
porukkumbam
potteyy”
(this was my father’s most famous cure for all aches and pains. It was better than neosporin, Although the chant has no real meaning, the way he said it, his hand movements and the way he tried to pluck the pain out is something that I remember to this day)
I wished I could still be my father’s little girl. I wished I never grew up. I regretted all those times I wished time flew fast, so I could leave home. I wished I never thought that the grass was greener on the other side.

I heard someone knocking on the door. May be it was one of the prayer meeting invitee. Aparna and Anitha should have ensured that they informed everyone about the change of venue. It isn’t my job to direct people to the new venue. I tried to ignore the knocking. But it was persistent. I was so mad, I got up from my bed and opened the door about to scream at the idiot who didn’t give up knocking my door. If anyone had that thing called common sense, then they would know, if someone doesn’t open the door after the first few knocks, then it is simple that they don’t want to.
I looked at the junior girl standing in front of my room. Before I could open my mouth she started to speak
“I am sorry madam, but someone wants to see you at the canteen. He asked me to pass the message to you”
“Who?”
“I don’t know madam”
“Why you don’t know” I was getting angry with her. Juniors are required to pass on clear and complete information
“I am sorry madam, I don’t know his name. He is a senior”
Senior? there were only two seniors that would send a message asking me to come to the canteen.
“Is he tall?” I asked
“Yes Madam”
“has he got a lot of body hair? you know like an ape man?”
“No madam”
“Is he handsome?”
“Yes madam” She was blushing. I thought of telling her come on, you don’t have to blush because you admitted a guy is handsome
“Ok Thanks”
I watched her running towards her friends, relieved that her senior didn’t scold her or ask her to do some chores.
My head was still hurting, but my heart was dancing with joy, because I knew who would be calling me. I quickly changed my clothes and walked to the canteen. I wanted to tell him about Kevin. May be he would understand my pain.
I checked for the bike and it was there. I could hear someone singing in the canteen and I knew who would it be. I walked in to the canteen and looked around.
He was sitting on the table and playing his guitar. Caroline was sitting on the chair. He saw me walking in and our eyes met. I watched Caroline saying something to him and both of them started to laugh.
Are they laughing at me? I felt so mad. Is it why he send me a message so he can laugh at me?
“Hi Nina, Gosh, you took such a long time to come. I was just about to leave” Arjun was walking towards me.
“You are the one who send the message through the junior?”
“Yes, listen I have a pair of tickets for the Rock Machine concert tomorrow. You want to come?
From where I stood, I could see beautiful eyes were looking at me. He could hear What Arjun was saying.
Two of us can play the same game.
I gave the best smile I can and spoke to Arjun
“Sure, I would love to. What time is it?”
“7 pm tomorrow. We can leave around 5, have some grub at the ‘corner house’ before attending the concert”
“That would be excellent. Arjun, are you in a hurry?”
“No, why?”
“I need to talk to you”
“Sure, do you want to sit here and talk or you want to go out?”
“We will sit here” I grabbed the chair right across from beautiful eyes’s table. We were facing each other.
“What do you want to drink?” Arjun asked
” tea please”
Arjun placed the order and came back to our table
“So what do you want to talk about?”
“I don’t know how to explain, I saw someone dying today”
“So?”
“I can’t take the image off from my mind”
“Come on Nina, people die, that is normal, we can’t cure everyone can we? You have to move on”
“You are right” I knew there is no point in trying to explain to my good friend that I can’t move on.
The person who would have understood was sitting just 6 feet away from me, holding another woman’s hand. But that is destiny.

I remembered my father while I typed today’s blog, I remembered the songs we used to listen and this song brought so much good memories especially because both of us didn’t know the lyrics and Amma used to say we are singing “potta pattu”

this one by Indus creed( formerly known as Rock machine) released in 1993 was my favourite.

To Kavitha

This morning when I saw your message all I could do was to ask Why?
Why is that some children are taken from us due to severe illness, while healthy babies don’t get a chance to live?.
Why is that we spend a fortune to find a cure for certain diseases and ignore other diseases?
Why are we so concerned only about profits?
Why do we weigh human life on profit and loss scale?
Why is life so unfair?
I have asked a thousand why’s and I never got an answer.
Kavitha, as you go through one of the worst periods of your life, I wish I had this magic wand and swish it around and make everything beautiful. But I don’t have a magic wand and much as I want to, I know I will not be able to take your pain away. But I can do one thing, I will walk with you and I know all my readers will do the same.
If you ever need a friend, you can find them here. We will be there any time you need.
Sarah

ps: will update the blog shortly