Ammachi sat on her usual spot, on the parapet wall, leaning against the pillar. Usually, I would either sit leaning on the wall facing her or lay down with my head on her lap. But today I wasn’t sure where I wanted to sit. I was afraid to sit next to Ammachi. What if she was really a murderer?
The sensible part of my head kept telling me, Don’t Nina, don’t be so stupid, your grandmother is a wonderful person, she won’t do anything bad and the practical part of my head kept asking me, then why nobody ever speaks about your grandfather? Why nobody ever goes to his grave?
I looked around the veranda. My grand father’s chair was still there right in the middle of the veranda.I sat on the easy chair leaning against the back support of the chair. I felt like a tiny mosquito sitting in that big chair, that was custom made for my grandfather to accomodate his 6 feet 2 inches body.
My grandmother was shorter than me and I wondered how she lived with a giant.
“Nina, you do know your grand father died when I was 18 years old” Ammachi spoke
Ofcourse I knew that. What I don’t know is how he died, even more specifically what happend to his grave. I wasn’t sure if it is ok for me to ask Ammachi that question. I looked at her, hoping she would know what is bothering me and tell me .
“Your father was 2 years old when your grandfather died”
Ofcourse I knew that too. I felt like telling Ammachi to fast forward.

“When your grandfather died, all of a sudden, I became a widow at the age of 18 with two kids, a 2 year old son and a 6 month old daughter. My parents refused to take me back home, as they felt I was my in-laws responsibility, after all I gave birth to their grand son, who is the rightful heir of all the property.
My in-laws didn’t want to do anything with me, because they felt I brought bad luck to this family, that is why my husband died at such a young age.”

I knew all that. I have been told this story so many times and I was getting tired of it.
” They made me work in this land like a slave Nina. They made me work without a break. They never gave me or my children any food. Everyone of them drank milk in the morning. Everyone except my children. Do you know I had to steal milk each morning for your father and aunt? “
I shook my head. I didn’t know that.
“I had to milk the cow each morning, before everyone wakes up and I would hide 2 thudam(scoop) milk for my children in the cattle shed. Do you know what I used as a bowl?”
I shook my head
“Coconut shell!. If I had taken any bowl from inside the kitchen, my mother in law would have killed me. You know Nina, coconut shell doesn’t have a flat base and how much ever I tried to keep the coconut shell stable most of the times the milk would spill, even before I had a chance to give it to my children.
Do you know how much it hurts, when you see your mother in law giving milk to her daughter’s children, and not my children? What did my children do to suffer like that? Tell me Nina, what did your father do to suffer like that?”
“I don’t know Ammachi”
“Once she made Appam for easter. All of them ate the Appam and stew. I didn’t mind not eating any Appam. But the children, your father and aunty, how do I tell them why they are not given any appam to eat. She gave pazhakanji(stale porridge) to my children and your father asked her Why does she treat him differently? Do you know what that women did?”
“She took a fire wood that was already burning and used it to hit your father. She hit him till the fire burned out. Do you know how it smells when flesh is burned?”

I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to hear any more. For the first time in my life I didn’t want to ask Ammachi, what happend then.

“I didn’t want my children to suffer any more. I wanted to kill them Nina, so atleast they would eascape from this mad house. Can you imagine Nina that I wanted to kill my own children?”

I looked at my grandmother. Her eyes were closed, but I could see the trail of tears down her cheeks. I thought of getting up from the chair and wiping the tears away. But Ammachi looked like she was in some sort of trance and I was afraid to disturb her. Besides I knew she wasn’t succesful in killing her children, as my father and aunt are still very much alive.
“Did you know, there was a ‘well’ here?” Ammachi opened her eyes and pointed to the left side. I looked to where she was pointing, there was a nutmeg tree there. No other visible signs of a well. I looked at my grandmother. what happend to the well? How could the well disappear just like that?

“It was a very deep well and I remember it had more than 20 steps(more steps inside, the deeper the well). I used to get scared looking inside the well and one sunday I decided to end it all. I waited for everyone to go to church. My plan was simple. I will hold your father’s and aunt’s hand and we will all jump in together. You know Nina, I remember standing infront of the well and holding my children’s hands. I leaned over and looked inside. It was so dark inside the well and your father looked at me and asked
“entha ammey”(what is it Amma?)
“He must have seen me crying and he said something that changed everything Nina,
he said, Ammey, amma enthina karayunney, ammakku njan illey? (why are you crying Amma when you have me?).
You know Nina, that was the first time someone ever told me such a thing. Till then I felt I was all alone and all of a sudden my son told me, I have him. He must have been about 7 or 8, but I could see the vigor in his eyes. He held my hand and we walked back inside. I knew then that whatever happend, I have my son to lean on”

What happend to the well? I so very badly wanted to ask Ammachi that question, mostly because I didn’t believe there was a well near the nutmeg tree. How can there be? I must have walked that part of the land a hundred times, most often looking for nutmeg fruits. If there was a well, then the ground would have been uneven or even unstabe? But the area near the nutmeg tree was just like the rest of the land, firm and levelled.

“I lived each day for my children. I watched your father grow up and becoming a man. You know Nina, the biggest mistake I ever did in my life was to raise your father all by myself. He needed a father and I couldn’t be a father and a mother at the same time. I tried Nina, I really tried, but I think in my struggle to be both a father and a mother to my son, I became neither. When he fell down and hurt himself, instead of consoling him I scolded him, because I was afraid that if I hugged him, he would be less of a man and more of a woman. You know one time he got 50 marks out of 50, my heart was bursting with pride, but I still scolded him because he had held the report card with wet hands and the ink on the report card was smudged.. I was so afraid of spoiling him. May be, he never saw the love that I had for him in my heart, may be this house was a prison to him, he left this house when he was 24 years old. Soon your aunty too got married and left home”

Ammachi stopped talking. I wasn’t sure what I should do. Should I ask her what happend then?

“up until then, I lived for my children and when they left, I didn’t know what to do. There was no reason to live. There was no reason to die either. One day I was planting the tapioca near Chakochan’s house. I heard someone crying and I saw Chackochan carrying his wife and running on the bund wall. She was bitten by a snake and he was rushing her to the hospital to save her life.”

Chakki’s voice was echoing through my head, “Chakochan and Ammachi are in love”. I looked at my grandmother, hoping she would tell me that she didn’t have an affair with Chackochan. I didn’t want her to have an affair. Only bad people have affairs. My grandmother is a good woman.

“Only then I realized, I had no one Nina, no one to take me to the hospital when I am ill, no one to hold my hand and tell me that ‘you have me’. I had no one even talk to. All I had was the cows and the birds to talk to! and I don’t think they understood whatever I told them. I so very badly wanted someone to just hold me, someone to talk to, someone to eat the food with me, someone to laugh with, someone to lean on”
I knew exactly what Ammachi was trying to tell me, because all I ever wanted was the same, But there was a difference. I am still single, where as Ammachi wasn’t. She was my grand father’s wife, my father’s mother and my grandmother.

“It was a week before onam and I went to the market to sell the banans and the yams. I earned 25 Rs that day. I met Chackochan at the market and he told me that there was a new provision shop near the bus stand and I thought I might as well see what they have in the new shop. Anyway I had some money with me and I thought I will buy groceries from the new shop. I walked to the shop. The shop had two sections, on the right side was all the rice and flour and sugar in huge gunny sacks. He sat on the left side with the ledger book infront of him.
“Who?” I had to ask
Ammachi ignored my question
“He must have heard my foot steps, he looked up. He looked very funny, with his black framed spectacles hanging near the tip of his nose. I watched him pushing the spectacles up his nose with his hand. He saw me staring at him.
“Are you here to open a new account?” He asked
“I didn’t know what to say, especially because I felt so ashamed because he caught me staring at him. I just nodded my head. He asked for my name and address and wrote it in the ledger book.”
“I will start with 10 Rs credit, you have to pay at the end of the month” He spoke and I just nodded my head. I didn’t need any credit. I had 25 Rs in my hand, But I didn’t tell him that.”
“You know something Nina?” Ammachi opened her eyes and looked at me
“What?”
“He had the most beautiful eyes, hidden beneath that black framed spectacles”
I didn’t know if I should cry or laugh. Because all I ever looked for in a man was his eyes!.

“What is wrong Ammachi?”
“Nothing”
“Then why are you crying?”
“This is my eyes and if I want to cry I will. Why don’t you mind your own business? Ammachi was so mad at me.
I couldn’t understand why she was crying. I came all the way from Bangalore so that I can take her to watch Kathakali performance and somehow ever since I came, nothing was normal at home. As though everything that I do was wrong.

I didn’t know what to do. I looked at Ammachi. She wiped the tears off from her cheeks and started to walk. I followed like a lamb that follows the shepherd. The silence was excruciating. But I had no means in me that I could use to break the silence. If Chackochan was alive, perhaps I could have gone and asked him. Atleast he would know what to do with Ammachi. If anyone knew anything about my grandmother, it would be Chackochan!
Who else can I ask for help?

My father? All he ever did in his life was to say” my mother lost her husband when she was 18 and she took care of me. It is only fair that I take care of her”. His idea of taking care of her was to ask his wife to stay at his house while he galavant around the world.

My mother? She knew she was marrying someone from the village and that she will have to settle down in the village and take care of Ammachi. She chose to marry Appa and then decided that living in the village isn’t her cup of tea.

My aunt? She is still mad at Ammachi for making her sign the declaration that she has no rights to the Chengannur property. If she didn’t sign that document at the time of her marriage she would now had equal share in the family property especially after Mary Roy went to court to fight for the rights of Christian women in Kerala.
That leaves me, the only one who cares for Ammachi, whose qualifications up to the date is pre-degree(first class) and first year MBBS(GOK). Both pre-degree and MBBS first year didn’t prepare me in any way to handle the problem that I am facing. I knew my grandmother was crying out for help. But what is the problem? How will I know if she doesn’t tell me?
When we reached the bund I spoke
“Wait Ammachi, give me your hand, I will help you”
“I can do it myself. I have lived without any of your help till now. I know to take care of myself”
I was so mad. Not enough that Ammachi can hardly walk. Now she wants to fall down and get hurt
I walked right infront of her and stood
“Give me your hand”
“Move away Nina, I said I can walk by myself” She tried to push me off.
“You are not going down the slope on your own.”
“Oh really? Who are you to tell me that?”
“I am Puthenvettil Thangamma’s grand daughter. Didn’t you know that till now?”
Ammachi looked at me. I thought she would smile. But she didn’t. She just stared. It felt really good to say Puthenvettil Thangamma’s grand daughter instead of Methran Thambi’s grand daughter. Puthenvettil Thangamma and Nina faced each other and stood. I looked at my grandmother. In 50 years time I probably will look exactly like her. Would I get to wear Chatta and mundu and stand on the bund and face my grand daugher? That would be fun, to have a grand daughter who is like me. Then I can tell her all the stories that my grand mother told me!
I gave Ammachi my hand and she extended her hand. I held her hand and guided her slowly down the slope. Although Ammachi didn’t respond, when I said that I am her grand daughter, I felf really good. I now have a new foundation to build my life on. Or may be a new trump card, that I can wave everytime life overwhelmed me. Why didn’t I ever think of being Ammachi’s grand daughter instead of always leaning on the dead Methran Thambi?

When we reached home Ammachi went to sit on the parapet wall. I was hoping to sleep for a little while. I haven’t slept the whole night!, besides I want to go back and watch the part 2 of the Kathakali in the night. But I couldn’t leave Ammachi alone on the parapet wall and go and sleep.
I looked at her again, She was looking at the bund. My stomach was growling and I went to the kitchen. I thought I would make breakfast. There was only rice flour and I decided to make Puttu for breakfast. Till now I have only watched Amma and Ammachi making Puttu and it was something I felt that can be done in a jiffy. I took the big steel plate Ammachi keeps on top of the shelf, took 2 cups of rice flour and placed it in the steel plate. I dissoved some salt in a glass of water and slowly sprinkled the water on top of the flour and wet the flour slowly. I felt I was getting good at this and I was so proud of myself. After wetting the flour, I closed the plate and went to get the coconut from the granary. I used the sickle and removed the husk. Now all I need to do is to whack the cocnut shell in the middle to split in to two and scrape the white flesh inside the shell.
I took the clean coconut in one hand and using the sickle whacked it hard. Before I could hit the coconut shell, it fell out of my hand. I am not the one who gets discouraged that easily. So I picked up the coconut from the floor and whacked it again with the sickle. Nothing happend to the coconut. Finally I placed the coconut on top the grinding stone and whacked it hard with the sickle. The coconut rolled off and the sickle hit the granite grinding stone!
” Nina, What was that noise? What are you doing there Nina?” Ammachi shouted from the veranda. I moved towards the kitchen door to see what Ammachi is doing. She spotted me from the veranda
“what was that noise?”
“Oh nothing Ammachi, I was sharpening the sickle”
“Sharpening the sickle? Why do you want to sharpen the sickle?”
“Oh Ammachi, donlt worry about it. I know what I am doing”
I walked back to the grinding stone, picked up the coconut from the side of the stone. I need coconut to make Puttu. It is a shame, that I can’t even crack an ordinary coconut. I took the silly coconut in my hand and whacked it as hard as I can with the sickle. It broke in to two and the coconut water spilled all over the floor. I looked at the 2 halves in my hand. Instead of two smooth edged halves, I managed to get a jagged edge halves. I didn’t want Ammachi to see my creation. So I hid the one half under the kitchen counter beneath the fire wood. Using the coconut scrapper, I scrapped the white coconut flesh.
So far so good. Atleast Ammachi will get to taste food cooked by me. I was thrilled.
I lit the fire, filled the puttukudam with water and placed it on the stove. When the water started to boil, I placed it a bit of the coconut on the bottom of the steamer, placed the flour, shook the steamer, so the flour would settle and added more flour and stuffed the steamer neatly. Right on top of the rice flour I added a neat layer of scrapped coconut. In 10 minutes the steam would come out from the top and Ammachi would get to eat a nice fresh home made puttu. I waited 10 minutes, no steam came out. May be the fire is low, so I added more firewood. Waited another 10 miutes, Still no steam. The anticipation was making me hungry. I checked the pot at the bottom to make sure that there is enough water. Everything appeared fine.
“What are you making?”
I turned around to see Ammachi standing by the door
“I am making Puttu for you. Go, sit on the veranda. When the puttu is readu I will call you”
Ammachi walked in to the kitchen, checked the flour in the steel plate.
“You wet the flour correctly. Not bad Nina”
I smiled. I was just so proud of myself.
Ammachi too stood next to me, waiting for the steam to come out from the steamer.
“How long have you kept the steamer on fire Nina?”
“20 minutes already Ammachi, I don’t know why the steam isn’t coming out”
I watched Ammachi lifting the steamer out of the pot. She looked at me and shook the steamer
“How much flour did you put inside Nina?”
“Enough to make one kutty Puttu Ammachi. I pressed and filled the steamer nicely.” I was pretty sure that I did a good job.
I was stunned to see Ammachi walking towards the sink and placing the steamer in the sink. Then she turned and looked at me. She was holding her tummy and laughing.
“Oh Nina, what are you going to do when you get married?”
“What? I did everything right. I know I did. You told me that I wet the flour nicely. Why did you put the steamer in the sink?” I felt so indignant
“Oh Nina, It will take atleast 2 days of soaking to remove the flour you have stuffed inside the steamer. You are supposed to gently fill the steamer. How will the steam come out if you stuff the steamer with flour?”
I felt so stupid and useless. Ammachi was still laughing.
“Stop laughing at me. Everyone makes mistakes.” I walked to the veranda and sat on the parapet wall. I was hungry, sleepy and angry.
I could hear Ammachi making something in the kitchen. I wanted to go and help her. But I knew she would laugh at me some more. So I didn’t bother.
Little while later I heard Ammachi calling
“Nina, come and eat.”
I walked back to the kitchen. Ammachi was stirring ghee in to the coffee and the moment she saw me, she started to laugh.
“There is a special place( mental hospital) for those who laugh without any reason. I will call and tell them to come and get you.” I threatend her
“Ok. I won’t laugh”
She gave the coffee to me. I looked at her. The moment our eyes met, she started to laugh again. I was really upset with Ammachi for laughing at me. Everyone makes mistakes. There is nothing to laugh about it. I looked down at the food in my plate. Ammachi made pidi(steamed dumpling made with rice flour). Ammachi sat infront of me
“Why do you love me Nina?” She asked
I looked at her. Why did she ask me that question?
“Tell me Why do you love me?” Ammachi spoke again
“Who said I love you? When did I tell you that I love you?” I asked her
“Stop joking Nina. I am asking you seriously. Why do you love me?”
I tried to think of the best reason as to why I love my Ammachi.
“Because you are my grandmother”
“Do you love your mother’s mother the same way?”
“No” I shook my head. “Why are you asking me such silly questions Ammachi?”
“Please tell me Nina, Why did you come all the way from Bangalore to take me to watch Kathakali?”
“I don’t know Ammachi. You are the sweetest person I have ever known. You taught me everything I needed to learn. You are my Ammachi and I love you because you are perfect.”
“But I am not perfect”
“To me you are”
“Then you don’t know anything about me”
I looked at her.
“Would you still love me if I have made mistakes in my life?” She asked me
I put the pidi that I was eating back in the plate. I looked at Ammachi. Somehow I knew, she was just about to open the pandora’s box. But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know her secrets. What mistakes has she done? Did she kill my grandfather? Is that why no one ever speaks about him?.
Ammachi was looking at me. What will I tell her?
“Nina, there are some things you need to know”
Shoul I say, Ok, go ahead, speak? I wasn’t sure. I liked the Ammachi I knew. The Ammachi who is witty, who knew so many stories, the Ammachi who loves me for what I am. I didn’t want to know anything else. Ammachi is all I have.
“Eat the food fast. We will go and sit in the veranda”
I looked at the food infront of me. Suddenly I didn’t feel hungry any more.
“I will eat later”
I got up and washed my hands. Together we walked to the veranda.

GOK: God only knows

please note: I haven’t watched Kathakali for 15 years. My apologies, if I have made any mistakes in today’s post.
To those who don’t understand Malayalam, I am sorry, I do not know how to translate most of Kathakali terms.

By the time we reached the temple grounds the drummers were beating the drum rhythmically
“Nina Hurry up , Aranggukeli has already started”
Ammachi held my hand and started to walk fast.
I wasn’t in any hurry. If Arrangukeli which is almost at the beginning of the Kathakali performance has started only now, I knew we are in for a long session. What my grandmother sees in Kathakali is something I never understood. I really hoped I will be able to catch a few winks of sleep and that there won’t be any mosquitos.
As we walked weaving through the crowd I heard someone muttering
“What are the Suriani Kristiani’s doing in the temple ground?” I looked around to see who was speaking. Everyone around us pretended to be concentrating on what is happening on the stage
“So old already, still haven’t lost hope. Now trying to come to the temple ground and looking. Not enough, bringing the grand daughter also for support” I heard someone speaking very clearly.
“Come Nina” Ammachi pulled my hand
I pulled my hand out from Ammachi’s grasp and turned around
“Does any of you have any problem with me and my grandmother watching the Kathakali today?” I asked the people around me
“No, No, No such thing” Spoke a dignified looking old man.
“vannirikkunnu shavangalu” muttered the woman who was standing next to him. She wore a set and mundu with a green border( attire worn by hindu woman).
“Keep quiet” The man tried to hush the woman
“Nina, come with me. Don’t listen to what others say” Ammachi started to pull my hand. I turned my head once more to look at the woman. Her face looked so angry. I didn’t know why she was angry. Why are people so upset, just because I am a Christian and want to watch Kathakali ? I thought of telling the woman that, 20 generations ago, all Malayalees including my family were hindus. I wondered how she would react if I told her that!
We found a place close to the stage and Ammachi placed the mat on the floor and sat down. I sat next to her. I hoped I won’t get any back ache! I am not used to sitting down on the floor without leaning on something to support my back bone. Why can’t these people put some chair around? conjused malayalees!!!!(stingy malayalees!!) I muttered.
“They are going to play nalacharitham*”Ammachi spoke
“How do you know that?”
Ammachi just shook her head. I looked at the stage. The kalivilakku(brass lamp) was the only light on stage. The Thiranottam (introducing the play) was going on. I watched the two singers, one holding a bell and the other one holding a cymbals singing and narrating the story. There were also two drummer on stage one playing the chenda and the other playing the maddalam.
There was something about the drummers and the singers, probably the absolute devotion on their faces, that makes you appreciate whatever they are trying to convey. Even though I didn’t understand anything that they were singing, I was beginning to enjoy the rhythm.
I tried to remember the story of king Nala of nalacharitham. Ammachi had told the story to me many years ago. All I could remember was how King Nala fell in love with Damayanthi and married her. I couldn’t figure out why they needed to create a Kathakali performance just for that.

I watched the main Character coming to the stage. There was pin drop silence in the audience. He started to dance by just moving his hands and eyes.The music, the drum beat and the hand movements started to flow in a rhythm and I felt I was drawn in to the center of it. I could see King Nala, the great emperor right infront of me. Soon another character came on to the stage
“Who is that?” I asked Ammachi
“Naradan(Saint Narada)”
I watched the excited conversation between Narada and king Nala, using only the hand movements and the eyes. King Nala was listening to the Saint Narada, who was telling him about the beautiful maiden named Damayanthi. Even though Damayanthi was no where in the stage, I could feel, what the king was feeling for her and how he fell in love with her.
The actors were bringing words sung by the singers to life. I felt so sorry for the king, when he was alone after Naradan left. I could feel the pain in his eyes, pain of the longing heart.
Story proceeded to the King roaming in the garden searching for some peace and solace.The king finds the golden swan(hamsam) sleeping by the side of the lake and captures the swan.
The fearful wailing of the swan, who knew its life is about to end at the hand of the king was heartbreaking. The music was somber and I waited anxiously to see, if the king would kill or release the poor swan. I wanted the king to release the swan and was overjoyed when the king felt sorry for the swan and released him.
I watched the swan’s relief on being free again, free to fly, free to be alive and live another day, free to be back with his family. The swan was so close to losing all that just a few moments ago..
Now it was the swan’s turn to pay back for his freedom. I watched the joy on the king’s face, when the swan told him that he would bring the king what his heart desires. The beautiful maiden.
Would the swan be succesfull? I didn’t know. The players took a short break.
Somewhere in the distance a rooster started to crow. Roosters that crow at odd hours must be shot to death, I thought.
I looked at my grandmother. I did notice during the show that Ammachi was looking around occassionally as though she was looking for someone. She turned her head again to look at the crowd behind us and I asked her
“Who are you looking for Ammachi?”
“Oh nothing Nina. I wasn’t looking for anyone in particular. I was just looking to see if there is anyone from near our house. So we will have company to walk back home”
“oh ok”
But that didn’t make sense. I always thought Methran Thambi’s wife disliked company. She always preferred to be alone. I turned my head to look at the people sitting behind us. Most of the people have gone back home. They must have gone home to catch a few winks of sleep before going to work in the morning. I looked at my watch. It was 4 Am. It was unbelievable. I watched a kathakali performance from 9.45pm till 4 am.
The actors were back in the stage again.
“that is Damayanthi with her maid” Ammachi spoke
“I know” I answered.
Ammachi stared at me, trying to see if I was ok. I smiled and Ammachi nodded her head. Perhaps she understood, I caught the kathakali premam, and now there is no turning back.
Nalacharitham part 1 was over when Damayanthi informed the golden swan that, she too is in love with King Nala and the swan rushed to inform the King of the good news. I watched everyone around me getting up and leaving. I didn’t want to get up. I looked around hoping to see the actor who played Nala one last time. Somewhere deep in my heart, I wanted to share a part of the love he felt for Damayanthi, share a part of the heart that released an innocent swan.
“Don’t you want to get up?” Ammachi asked
I slowly got up, still looking at the empty stage. May be the actor would come out to take the lamp.
I helped Ammachi to get up. I took the mat from the floor and folded it. As I walked out of the temple ground, I looked back once more at the empty stage.
“Who are you looking for?” Ammachi asked
“No one” I lied
The sun was alomost coming up from the horizon announcing the arrival of another day. Ammachi and I walked slowly, enjoying the early morning breeze. All the shops except the coffe shop was closed. Some people were still sleeping on the shop front. Most of them looked like a mummy, with their blankets wrapped all around them. Soon the shop owner would come to open his shop and kick them out. Plight of the homeless people. Only the night and the shopfront belongs to them.

Ahead of us, we saw the first bus to Trivandrum stopping near the coffee shop and the driver alighting from the bus and ordering the coffee.
“Do you want coffee?” I asked Ammachi
She didn’t respond. Only then I looked at her face. There were tears rolling down her cheeks
“What happend? Why are you crying? Is your legs hurting?”
“I can’t Nina”
“Can’t what Ammachi?”
“I can’t wait anymore”
*Nalacharitham: Was written by Unnai Warrier in the 16th century, tells the story of King Nala, who loses his kingdom to his brother in a gambling bet, his wife in the forest and gains everything including Damayanthi at the end.

“Ammachi, can we eat dinner now? I am hungry” I spoke sweetly hoping to dissipate her anger. I shouldn’t have gone out to buy the groceries in the darkness. No one would have died, just because we they didn’t get to drink coffee.
“hmm” She mumbled. I watched her taking the hurricane lamp and walking towards the kitchen. Only then I remembered, all the houses on the side of the road had electricity, even the grocery shop had electricity. How come our house don’t have any electricity? May be the fuse would have blown.
“Ammachi, give me the hurricane lamp. I want to check the fuse box”
“What for?”
“Houses near the main road has electricity supply, may be our fuse is blown”
“No need”
“Why not? I know how to fix the fuse, after all..” I quickly bit my tongue. I was just about to say after all I am Methran Thambi’s grand daughter.
“After all what Nina?”
“Nothing, I was just saying after all I am the one who was repairing the fuse at home”
“Oh!”
“Give me the lantern” I ordered
“Never mind Nina, it is ok. We have the lantern anyway, besides I don’t want you to play with electricity. What if you get electrocuted? I can’t take you to the hospital. If I start walking today with this legs, I will reach the hospital next week! Come let us go and eat”
Something wasn’t right. Who in their sane mind wants to use lantern, when you can use the light?
As soon as Ammachi kept the lantern on the dining table, I picked it up and ran to the veranda. Fuse box is by the side of the veranda.
“Nina, listen to me, leave it, tomorrow we will ask someone to check it” Ammachi pleaded.
I climbed on the parapet wall and lifted the lantern to see what happend. Even before I pulled out the fuse, I knew what is wrong. I turned around and looked at Ammachi. She had a small grin in the corner of her mouth and she was trying to wipe her face with her fingers, as though she can wipe her smile away.
“When did you turn off the power?” I asked her
“Who? me? turn off the power!. No such thing. I would never do such a thing. Someone must have played a prank on us”
“When did you turn it off?” I asked her again.
Ammachi looked at me and I stared back at her. I wasn’t going to make it easier for her. She cheated me!
“Athey, This is Dhanu masam(december-january) and when everyone uses a blanket, you will switch on the fan in full speed and sleep and my electricity meter will also run nonstop. Who will pay the electricity bill? Your father ah?”
“How long have you been doing this?” I asked her in total disbelief.
“Can’t remember!”
“You silly old woman, you made me donate my precious blood to all the mosquitos in Kerala”
“That is a good thing isn’t it? Feeding the hungry! you will be blessed!” Ammachi was laughing.
“Blessed by the mosquitos?” I tried to picture all the mosquitoes blessing me and saying
‘oi, Nina thomas, thank you for giving us your blood, may you be blessed with more mosquito bites!’
I turned the power back on and got down from the parapet wall.
“I will get you for this one day!” I told Ammachi
She was still laughing
“Come let us eat the porotta before the curry goes stale” Ammachi spoke
Ammachi opened the parcel and placed it in a plate. The porotta was excellent, soft and flaky, but the curry, it tasted terrible.
“See, you spoiled the curry, if the power was on, we could have kept the curry in the fridge! You wasted a nice kakkan’s kuruma(muslim way of cooking curry)” I blamed Ammachi
“Never mind.” Ammachi spoke
I stuck my tongue at her. All because of her, I couldn’t get to eat the kuruma.
“Tell me something Nina, do you stick your tongue at your teachers?”
I placed my fingers behind my ears, wriggled them and stuck my tongue at her.
“Oh Nina, You look so beautiful. When you get a wedding proposal and when they ask you for a photo, make sure you send this pose!”
I didn’t bother to respond. I didn’t want a wedding proposal.
Ammachi looked at me. A look that asked a thousand questions.
“Nina, Did you find someone?”
“For what?”
“You know what I am asking you”
“You mean a boyfriend? Nope, I haven’t found a boyfriend yet, that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t”
“So you are looking for a boyfriend?”
“Is that a crime?” I asked her
“Did I say it is? Why are you feeling guilty?” She asked
“Ammachi, tell me, what if I find a nice guy and everything is perfect, except he is not a suriani kristiani. Would you be upset?”
“Upset? Oh Nina, why would I be? I should be happy,atleast I will get free meals three times a day”
“What free meals?”
“You know, at the Poojappura central jail, they give free meals. I will rather chop you and the kashmalan you want to marry in to tiny pieces, than see you spoil my family name.” She pointed to the sickle under the kitchen sink
I looked at my grandmother and the sickle.
“Why do I have to marry a Suriani kristiani? What is wrong with a CSI or a catholic Christian “
“Oh so the person is a Christian!”
“Which person?”
“I will whack you, if you try to act like a fool. So tell me about this guy”
“There is nothing to tell about. He is my senior, he has the most mesmerising eyes I have ever seen. He is tall and has a nice voice”
“What is his family name?”
“That I don’t know”
“What do you mean you don’t know”
“I only saw him once in the canteen and I don’t know anything else about him”
“Too late now” Ammachi shook her head
“Too late for what?”
“To take you to the mental hospital and admit you there today!. You need urgent medical treatment.”
“dhey, don’t you dare call me mad. After all I am your grand daughter. If I am mad, so are you!”
Ammachi was laughing and I started to laugh as well, more so after I remembered that few hours ago, I myself thought that Ammachi needs urgent treatment!
“Seriously Ammachi, would you be upset, if I married a non suriani kristiani?”
“ofcourse I will be upset Nina, I would like to see our traditions and culture going to the next generation.”
“hmm” I mumbled.
We ate in silence. After dinner, I cleaned the plates, closed the kitchen door and spoke
“Ammachi, auto will be waiting for us at 9.30pm. Let us get ready”
“ok”

Around 9 pm, we closed the door and started to walk towards the main road. The moon was shining bright. I looked up,there were so many stars in the sky. I remembered my father and how he taught me to find Orion.
“Ammachi, see those three stars, that is the belt of Orion” I pointed to the sky above
“What is Orion, Nina?”
“Orion was a great hunter”
“What is he doing in the sky?”
“That is a long story Ammachi. Orion was the son of Neptune, he could wade in the water without drowning. He and Artemis, who is the goddess of hunt and moon were spending far too much time hunting and Artemis forgot to illuminate the night sky. Appollo, who is Artemis’s brother didn’t like his sister spending time with Orion, Do you know what he did?”
“What did he do?” Ammachi asked like a little child
“He used a giant scorpion and chased Orion to the sea. When Orion was wading through the water, Appollo pointed the object that was actually Orion’s head and Challenged his sister to strike the object with her arrow. Artemis, who didn’t know it was actually Orion’s head that was in the water, shot her arrow and killed Orion. Only when the waves brought the head of Orion to the shore, did she realize her mistake. She was so upset, she placed Orion in the night sky”
“How did you learn all these stories Nina?”
“Appa told me”
“Hmm” Ammachi mumbled
I remembered all the times I walked on these bund roads holding my father’s hand. How many times he carried me on his shoulder and showed me the rabbit on the moon, and sang
“Ambili ammava, thamara kumbilil enthu undu”
I knew, if there is an award for the worst husband or father in the world, my father would win the award. But the thing is, he is still my father and I still miss him.

I thought of my Ammachi, who wasted her life, just so that my father would have a better life. She could have remarried, she didn’t, just so that my father wouldn’t lose his inheritance. I thought of my great grand father. How could he decide on his own that my father would lose his inheritance, if my grandmother remarries? What is wrong with all these people? Why do they treat women like this? Why did Ammachi agree to all this nonsense? Why couldn’t she just walk off, find a man and marry him? Why didn’t Ammachi’s parents take her back home?
Who was it that decided what pawn Ammachi should be in the game of life?

And me? What do I do? I am yet to live my life. I felt I am standing in the middle of a two way. One road takes me to everything that I ever dared to dream of. I wanted to study more, work in a big hospital and save lives.
Other road takes me to the woman, who lived for everyone except herself, whom nobody wants now.
She started as a beautiful blossom, married a rich husband, had a son and a daughter, lived in a big house and everything was perfect.Then in an instant everything changed.
No one could take her beauty away, so they decided to lock her up, with rules and regulations. She became a dried flower, that was just there as a reminder to show what it was before.
Suddenly I understood why Ammachi never spoke about Methran Thambi’s family. They didn’t want anyone else to enjoy, something that was their son’s.

I placed the bucket back on the floor and walked back inside. I thought I heard a sob. Is Ammachi crying? I ran to her room. She was still laying down on her bed. Her eyes were closed.
I must have imagined. I went back to the kitchen and started the fire. I will make coffee for Ammachi. Coffee with ghee and sugar. My rememdy for depression. I placed the pot on the stove and looked around for coffee. Coffee pot was almost empty. I made a mental note, I must buy coffee tomorrow. When the water started to boil, I added two spoonful of coffee in to the pot and watched in horror when the coffee started to boil over. I desperately tried to look around for the pot holder. It was no where to be seen. By the time I managed to find some old news paper, most of the coffee had boiled over and the fire was almost dying out. How am I going to survive in this house, when I can’t even make a simple coffee?
I looked through the door to see if Ammachi is still in her bed and quickly threw away the rest of the coffee in the pot and started the fire again, this time making sure that, I didn’t put too much of fire wood. After making the coffee, I looked around for sugar and ghee. Ammachi keeps ghee in a small horlicks bottle. I looked everywhere. I even checked the pathayam(granary). There was no ghee to be found. That is odd, I thought.
I had no choice but to wake Ammachi up. I walked to her room. Something about the way Ammachi was laying down, I was sure, she wasn’t really sleeping, but pretending to be asleep. But her eyes were closed
“Ammachi” I called very gently
“Ammachi” I called a little more loudly
“Ammachi” I shook her body and she got up
“What? Where?” She sat straight up on her bed and looked at me. I looked at her eyes. They were red.
“Were you crying Ammachi?” I asked her
“have you gone mad? You woke me up from my sleep to ask me if I was crying?”
Her voice was quivering and I knew without a doubt, she was crying. Did she see me cry? Is that why she is crying. Oh my goodness, Did she see me trying to climb the tree?
I looked at Ammachi to try and gauge her response.
“What do you want Nina?”
“Ghee. I can’t find the ghee bottle”
“Nina, we don’t have any ghee”
“Why not?”
“Oh Nina, how do you make ghee, when we have no cows?”
“But you still buy milk, don’t you?”
“Milk? when I had cows, I sold the milk without adding a drop of water, now the man who used to buy milk from me, bought 5 new cows and sells the milk to me at 50:50”
“50:50?”
“Yes 50:50, 50% milk, 50% water! Now you tell me, How will I make butter from water?”
“what about sugar?”
“Finished two weeks ago. Who will go to the market and buy it for me?” Ammachi looked at me. The way she looked at me, I felt she knew what I was thinking earlier. I felt so guilty.
“What else is finished? Do you have rice?” I asked her
“Oh don’t worry Nina, I will ask Shankaran’s son to buy everything tomorrow”
I didn’t bother to respond.
“I will come now” I spoke to Ammachi
“Where are you going? You are not going to go out at this time of the evening. If anything happens to you, your father will kill me”
I didn’t bother to listen to her lecture
“Nina wait” By the time Ammachi reached the veranda, I was already on the bund wall. It was getting dark. But I didn’t feel scared. A little while later, I heard footsteps coming closer to me
Did Ammachi follow me? I turned to look. Some guy wearing mundu(sarong) and shirt was walking towards me. I moved to the side to give him way
“Who is that?” He called out
“Nina”
“Which Nina?”
“How many Nina’s do you know?” I asked him
“That I don’t know, but why are you walking alone in the night”
“Are there any rules, that says I can’t walk at night”
He was standing right in front of me and was staring at me. I still didn’t get scared. This is my home turf and I knew nothing will happen to me.
“Girls shouldn’t walk alone at night” He spoke
“What about boys?” I asked him.
Initially I thought I will give him way, that is why I moved to the side, Now I realized, why should I give way, just because he is a man?
When will I be able to break free from years of teaching that I am subservient to a man? I started to walk fast
“Wait” I heard him speak
He doesn’t own me to tell me to wait. I started to run. By the time I reached the main road, I was gasping for breath. Shankaran Chettan was outside closing his shop
“Kochumaharani, what is wrong?” He came running towards me
“Nothing. I just came to buy some groceries”
“Groceries? At this time of the day? Why didn’t you wait till tomorrow? You shouldn’t be walking alone at this time of the day”
I looked at him. How did my Ammachi survive here all alone all these years? I wanted to ask him, if he too was among the crowd that locked her up in that house with all these rules? Why is the world not safe for women after the sun set?
If it is the ‘man’, who I should be afraid of, then why don’t anyone lock them up? I wanted to ask him that, but I knew he won’t have any answer. It is the way it has been. Either you follow it willingly or we will make you follow it.
“Come, I will walk with you to the shop” Shankaran Chettan spoke
“No, it is ok. I am fine” I spoke
He didn’t reply, he started to walk by my side. I could hear someone whistling. I igonored it. Then I heard someone calling out from the darkness
“Shankaran Chetta, when did you start ‘this’ business? why didn’t you tell us earlier that you have a nice charakku(? beautiful woman). How much are you charging for this one?”
“Walk fast” Shakran Chettan muttered.
“I am sorry Shankaran Chetta” I muttered. I felt so sorry.
We quickly walked to the grocery shop and I ordered, rice, green gram,sugar, coffee and a small bottle of ghee
Shankaran chettan waited, while I bought all the grocery.
“Give me the bag” He ordered
“It is ok chetta, I can Carry”
He pulled the bag from my hand
“I need to speak to your grandmother. How could she send you out at this time?”
“She didn’t Chetta, She told me not to go out at this time” I didn’t want Shankaran Chettan to blame Ammachi for no fault of hers.
“hmm”he grunted and started to walk
“Chetta” I called softly
“What?” He stopped and turned to look at me
“I need an autorickshaw tonite”
“Why? For what?”
“I am taking Ammachi to watch Kathakali”
He looked at me. He didn’t say anything for a few seconds
“No Nina, It is not good. Don’t go”
Who was Shankaran chettan to tell me, what I should do? I glared at him
“I am taking Ammachi to watch the Kathakali” He looked at me and probably saw the anger in my eyes.
“Wait here” He spoke
I watched him walking to the bus stop and speaking to one of the auto drivers.
He walked back to where I was standing and spoke
“Nina, Suresh, the rickshaw driver will wait for you here at 9.30pm”
“Ok. Thank you Shankaran Chetta”
He didn’t respond. Together we walked in silence. He waited on the bund wall till I reached the house.
“Oh, Nina, Thank god you are safe. I was eating fire till now” Ammachi was holding the hurricane lamp.
“I am fine Ammachi” I spoke.
But honestly, I wasn’t, I had more things on my mind. Why did Shakaran Chettan tell me, not to go for the Kathakali?

“What is that Nina?” Ammachi pointed to the plastic bag on the kitchen counter
“Dinner” I looked at her and grinned.
Ammachi frowned and looked at me. I looked at her face, She still looked so beautiful, she had hardly any wrinkles on her face. Her hair was still tied in a bun and she still had black hair. I looked at her neck, if it wasn’t for those wrinkles on her neck, no one would know that she is in her 60’s. I wasn’t sure how old she is. So I asked her
“Ammachi, how old are you?”
“Oh Nina, that is pretty easy to remember, I am a day older than I was yesterday and a day younger than I would be tomorrow”
She looked at me with that look that said, go ahead, ask, so how old were you yesterday?. I knew, she wants to tell me, ‘oh that is also simple, I was a day older than the previous day!’
I shook my head
“Nah, nah, we are not going down that road. I am not going to let you fool me. You want me to ask you, how old were you yesterday so you can tell me the same thing over and over!”
Ammachi shrugged her shoulder and opened the news paper wrapped parcel in the plastic bag. She lifted the parcel to smell it
“hmm, smells good”
“Ofcourse, that is pure kakkan’s(malabar muslim) food.”
I purposely used the word kakkan (malabar muslim) as a bait, hoping for her to say something about the muslims, so I could argue with her about religion.
“You are right, nothing can beat a kakkan’s kuruma!”.(Muslim way of making the curry)
I was stunned. Ammachi must have seen the disappointment on my face.
“This is not working eh?” She asked me
“What is not working Ammachi?”
“The way we used to eat each other’s head! When you were little, if I told you, I am a day older than yesterday, you would have gone, on and on and on and asked me how old I was the previous day. Now you are getting too smart for me and it is you who is trying to trick me!”
“hmm, after all I am ‘The’ Methran Thambi’s grand daughter!”
“Methran Thambi! Don’t you dare utter his name in my house” Ammachi screamed. ptui! she spat on the ground, pointed her finger at me and yelled. “don’t you dare use his name in my house, do you understand that?”
In an instant, I felt my whole world collapse. Methran Thambi was my foundation, my everything. He was my strength. I survived all the battles, because I felt I should be as courageous as Methran Thambi. And I was sure Ammachi encouraged me to think that way and now all of a sudden, she is mad at me, because I said, I am Methran Thambi’s grand daughter? And to make matters worst,she spat inside the kitchen. The same kitchen, where we are not even allowed in without washing our hands and feet. I looked at the spit on the floor and I felt sick. I knew without a doubt that my grandmother is going senile!
I watched Ammachi leaving the kitchen and going towards her room.
“Come and sleep Nina” Ammachi ordered, just as she entered her room.
“What? Why?”
‘oh my goodness, my grandmother is completely gone mad. Now she wants me to sleep at 4 pm!, Which sane human being sleeps at 4 in the evening? My grandmother needs urgent medical treatment!. I will have to take her to kuthiravattom(mental hospital)’
I looked at Ammachi’s room to see what she is up to? What if she gets violent and act like the mad people in the movies? What if she attacks me? What have I got myself in to? Am I being punished for cheating the Princy?
“Nina, come and lay down.If you sleep for a few hours now, you won’t feel sleepy in the night and can watch the whole performance?”
“oh!” I sighed
“What oh?” She yelled from her room
“Nothing” I shook my head.
I walked to her room. I felt guilty for thinking that she is gone mad.
“Ammachi, Move a bit, so I can lay down with you” I stood next to Ammachi’s bed and spoke
“That is your bed, you will lay down on that” Ammachi pointed to the bed on the other side of the room.
I didn’t bother to reply. I pulled the pillow from under Ammachi’s head, pushed her body, found a little space on her bed and lay down next to her.
“Get up Nina, I don’t like anyone sleeping on my bed, please Nina, get up” Ammachi tried to push me off her bed
I turned towards her, put my leg on top of her and hugged her with my right hand.
“Let go of me, I can’t breath, Nina please!” Ammachi tried to push my hand away.
“Nina, please, take your hand away, you are suffocating me, you are killing me, I can’t breath!”
“Ammachi, If I take my hand away, will you let me sleep with you?”
“Ok,ok Now please take your hand and leg off my body”
“Ok” I turned around.
It felt good sleeping next to my grandmother, but I just couldn’t sleep. There were too many questions that I needed to find the answer, but I didn’t know how to ask Ammachi all those questions.
Why was she mad at me, when I said I am Methran Thambi’s grand daughter? Methran Thambi was Ammachi’s husband, right? And Appa is his son and that means I am his grand daughter!. Then only I realized, I know nothing about Methran Thambi or his family. Did my grand father have any siblings? Do I have any other cousins? Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about him?
“Ammachi” I called her name softly
There was no response
“Ammachi” I called again
Still no response. I turned around to see my grandmother in deep sleep. I didn’t want to disturb her. I couldn’t sleep either. So I got up from the bed and went to sit in the veranda. I looked outside.
It felt like time stood standstill in Chengannur house. Everything was just as It was before, when I came to this house as a little child, years ago.
Every now and then, a gentle breeze would disturb all the trees and I felt even the leaves were protesting by soughing gently. Even they didn’t want to be disturbed. The walls of the house was still painted white. The windows were still the same blue colour.
Right infront of me was the same mango tree, that I climbed and was beaten up for climbing a tree, because Suriani Kristiani girls aren’t supposed to climb trees! I looked at tree, there were moss and lichen growing all over the tree trunk. Some of the branches were touching the roof. If it happend 2 years ago, Ammachi would have made Kutten cut those branches. The branches would damage the roof tiles. Now why doesn’t she do anything? Is it because, Kutten doesn’t want to help or is it that Ammachi has given up, taking care of our house? I didn’t know the answer.

On the right side of the house, my favourite chambakka (rose apple) tree was still there. I got out of the veranda and walked towards the tree. The tree trunk looked more whitish and shinier than I remembered. Most of the lower branches had been cut down. I looked up and was so pleased to see that there were few shiny, juicy rose apples on the top branches. But much as I tried,I couldn’t reach them. I tried to grab the end of the branch, so I could pull it down and pick the fruit. That didn’t work. Then I threw rocks at the fruit, hoping to knock the fruits off the tree. The rocks that I threw didn’t even go anywhere near the fruit.
“No, No, No, you are not getting away from my hands. I may have forgotten the fine art of throwing rocks and knocking fruits down, But I promise, I will find a way and will eat you today” I spoke to the rose apples as though they understood.
I knew the best option would be to climb the tree. I walked quietly back to Ammachi’s room to make sure that she is asleep. I didn’t want to get beaten up again for climbing the tree. I was relieved to note that she was sound asleep.

I walked back to the tree, took some mud from the ground and smeared it on my palm, so my palms wouldn’t be slippery.
Climbing a tree was as easy as learning abcd’s, so I thought. Besides I am a professional, when it comes to climbing trees. I have always climbed trees, when I was young.
“I am coming up to get you” I spoke to the shiny red rose apples.
I grabbed the tree trunk with my hands and tried to lift my body up. I looked down. My legs were still on the ground. I tried again and again. The sensible part of my brain kept telling me
‘Oh Nina, you have lost it. You can’t climb trees anymore’, but I wanted to, I desperately wanted to climb the tree. Everything I have known changed since I came back home this time. And now, Nina Thomas can’t even climb a tree? That isn’t how it works!
I tried to climb the tree again, this time by keeping my right foot on the trunk and trying to use the leg and the hands together, to lift my body up. I manged to climb one step high and just as I moved my hands to lift my body up, my palm slipped and my arm got scratched on a pointed part of the trunk and I let go my hand. The fall wasn’t that bad, but the realization that, I can no longer climb a tree was shocking. I lay down on the ground and looked up at the tree. For a second I felt the rose apples were laughing at me.
I was afraid, Ammachi would have heard the noise, so I quickly got up from the floor and dusted my clothes. My arm was burning and I checked to see what happend?
Blood was trickling down the abrasion on my arm. I quickly walked to the well to wash my hands. I don’t know if it was the pain, or the fact that I no longer can climb a tree that made me cry. Tears were rolling down my cheeks.
Until now, I was Methran Thambi’s grand daughter, the suriani kristiani, the maram keri mangga(climbing tree professional!) etc. In 4 hours since I reached this house, I no longer knew who I was.

My grandmother has changed dramatically since my last visit. It looked like she was waiting for someone. Who she was waiting, I don’t know. She even cooked totally strange food. To make matters worst, she spat on the ground when I spoke about my grand father.
My goodness, she really spat inside our kitchen! That was disgusting. But worst of all, I, Nina Thomas, who could climb any tree except the coconut tree( that was only because the paravan refused to share his climbing rope with me!) couldn’t even climb a small rose apple tree!.

My world rather my castle that I constructed so well was flattend to the ground. Everything has changed. Ammachi has changed, she no longer wants to hear her late husband’s name.
Chackochan died and I didn’t even know, Chakki has gone, Kutten doesn’t even talk to me.
Our paddy filed that once produced 200 para of rice is now a wasted land, the rubber trees that once gave up to 20 sheets a day now give enough latex to make about 6 or 7 rubber sheets.
The cattle shed, that always had atleast three cattles is now empty. I don’t even know what is the name of the new dog Ammachi has kept chained inside the store room next to the cattle shed and I didn’t bother to find out either.
I realized in between all these changes that were happening around me, The Nina that I thought I knew too has changed. The new Nina likes to wear nice cloths, eat pizzas, burgers and wear fashionable high heeled footwear.
I knew, much as I tried to quell the voices of guilt in my head, I wouldn’t want to come back and live in this house. Why would I want to live in a place, so far away from town, when I could live and work in Bangalore?
In Bangalore, I could go to Sweet Chariot(bakery) in Brigade road and eat my favourite pineapple cake, I could go to Mac’s fast food on church street and eat a pizza or a burger, I could shop in MG road and buy the latest fashion cloths, and if I am bored, I could go to Commercial street and spend the whole day there. Besides, if I settle down in Bangalore, it will be easier for my kids. I can send them to a good school in Bangalore. How can I let my kids go to a village school? How can I expect beautiful eyes to settle down here?

By the time I reached Chengannur railway station, I was tired at the same time excited. I knew Ammachi would be thrilled to see me. As I passed the coffee shop near the junction, I knew what I would do. I will buy some porotta and kuruma and take it home with me. Ammachi would love that. I bought 4 porottas and a plate of kuruma and took an autorickshaw instead of walking.
When I reached the junction near home, I stopped the auto and paid the fare.
“Kairaliye kando Kochumaharani?”( Have you seen Kairali?) ShankaranChettan called out as soon as he spotted me
“Ofcourse, wasn’t it here 5 seconds ago? Didn’t you see? Aiyyah Chetta, you need to get your eyes tested” I replied
“You are just like your grandmother, quick witted” He spoke
“hmmm” I replied
“Athey Kochumaharani, How come none of your sisters or your mother ever visit your Ammachi?”
“Don’t know Chetta”
“You do realize your Ammachi is growing old, don’t you? Isn’t it time, all of you come and stay here. After all this is your home!”
“I know Chetta, I will be back here in 4 years. Then we will start a small clinic here and you, Shankaran chettan, will always get free treatment”
He looked at me and grinned, exposing his tobacco stained teeth.
“You are just like your grandmother, kind and caring”
“hmm, Bye Chetta, I will see you later” and I started to walk towards home. I knew, I will have to come back here and settle down. I owe Ammachi that much. I thought of Beutiful eyes. Would he care to settle down in this tiny village, where everyone knows everybody else? I hoped he would.
As I walked on the bund road, I looked for the thatched roof. I couldn’t spot it, but then again, all the rubber trees have grown very tall. Ammachi was talking about planting new rubber trees last time when I came to see her. May be I should go to the agricultural ministry and order new rubber saplings. As I reached our paddy fields, I noticed a lorry in Chackochan’s house. It was almost full with household stuff. Where is Chackochan going?
I looked at our house and saw Ammachi sitting on the veranda, looking at the bund wall. Aiyyah, I was planning to surprise her. Now she would have seen me. I felt very disappointed.
When I reached the steps, Ammachi looked up and asked
“Oh, so it is you the crows were announcing this morning!”
“What?” I looked at her
“Kakka kalathu virunnu vilichu*”
I looked at her, trying to see if she was happy or disappointed to see me.
“Go, wash up and come. I am hungry” She spoke and slowly got up from the parapet wall. She didn’t even ask me, Why am I here and I knew something wasn’t right. But I had no idea what was wrong. I walked towards the well to wash up. What is going on?
When I entered the kitchen after washing my legs and hands, the table was already set. There was rice,theeyal, and ulli chammanthi on the table. Ammachi had already started to eat. I looked at the poratta and kuruma in my hand. It didn’t feel like the right time to tell Ammachi that I bought porotta for her.
Silently I took the plate, took some rice, theeyal and Chammanthi. This isn’t the normal food at home. She always made, moru(yogurt curry) payaru thoran(greengram curry), if she knew I was coming home.
I don’t ever remember Ammachi making theeyal at home. She must have really struggled to make this. Who was Ammachi waiting for? It wasn’t me. I knew that for sure.
We ate in silence. After eating the food, Ammachi got up and she took her plate from the table
“Leave the plate there Ammachi, I will wash it” I spoke
“ok” She left the plate on the table and went to wash her hands. I saw her walking towards the veranda.
After I finished eating, I cleared the table, took the plates outside and washed them. Why isn’t Ammachi not talking to me? Who was she waiting for? Certainly not my father. Was she waiting for my aunty? I felt a tinge of jealousy, thinking that Kochumol aunty is getting more love than me. I felt Ammachi should only love me. I am her favourite. I should be.

After I washed everything, I closed the kitchen door and walked towards the veranda. The living room smelled of jasmine flowers. I looked around the room, there were no flowers in the living room, I went to Ammachi’s room and found a steel plate full of jasmine flowers on her table. I could hear people talking from Chackochan’s house. Is something going on between Chackochan and Ammachi? I remembered how Chakki used to say that Ammachi and Chackochan are in love. I have to know. I marched to the veranda. Ammachi was looking at the bund wall
“What is going in Chackochan’s house?” I asked her
“They sold the house”
“Who are they?”
“His sons”
“What will happen to Chackochan, where is he going to stay?”
“He already found a permanent place”
“Where?”
“At the cemetry”
I looked at my grandmother. I wasn’t sure, if she has gone mad. why is she talkign to me like this.
“Tell me the truth Ammachi, Where is Chackochan?”
“Didn’t I just tell you? Did you leave your brain at the medical college? Chackochan died 2 months ago”
“2 months ago? 2 months ago and why didn’t you tell me, when I was here last time?” I was so mad at her
“Forgive me, your holiness, I didn’t know you could bring to life, dead people” Ammachi was equally mad.
I was so angry, I stormed out. I went through so much of trouble to come home, so I could surprise Ammachi. But it didn’t look like she was happy to see me at all. I walked to the creek. It was empty. I found a spot under the jackfruit tree and sat down. I remembered the time, Ammachi and I hid behind the tree, before she went and broke Chackochan’s bund wall. I remembered the times,they fought with each other, the time Chackochan took our jackfruit and how Ammachi took his hen. I couldn’t believe he is no more. I knew everyone will die one day, but somehow, I thought everyone I knew will be around for a long time.
I had to do something for Chackochan and the only thing I knew, I could do for him was to pray for his soul. For the first time in 3 years I prayed
“Lord, please bless his soul and give him eternal rest”
Chackochan was like a grandfather to me. And now he gone, how long before Ammachi too would go? I felt scared thinking about it.
I could hear dried leaves getting crushed and I knew Ammachi is walking towards me. I was still angry with her, so I didn’t bother to lift my head and look at her
“Ente kuttikku deshyayo?”(Did I make my child very angry)
“I am not a kutti(child)” I replied, still not looking at her
“Nina, I knew you would be upset, if I told you that Chakochan died. You come here for few days and I didn’t want you to be sad. That is why I didn’t tell you”
“How did he die Ammachi?”
“He was working in the fields Nina, When he didn’t come home to eat lunch,his daughter in law went looking for him, she found him lying on the ground unconscious. They took him to the hospital, but the doctors said, it was too late, he died that evening”
“hmm”
What would happen to my grandmother? What if she collapsed one day? Who would find her and take her to the hospital? I looked at my grandmother. I knew, she knew what I was thinking.
“Whatever has to happen will happen Nina”
“hmm” I replied
“Why are you here Nina? Did you get in to any trouble at the college again?”
“Nah, I came here to do something for you”
“What?”
“Shhh! Secret” I placed my finger on my lip
“What secret?”
“You will know later”
“When?”
“Didn’t you hear, your holiness, that I said later?” I looked at her.”Where did you leave your brain?”
“I am not talking to you” Ammachi turned and started to walk
I got up and quickly walked to her side
“Athey, many many years ago, one January night you took me somewhere to show me something. Now I am taking you to the same place to show you the same thing”
Ammachi stopped walking, she looked at me
“Did you come all the way from the medical college to do that?”
“hmm” I replied
“Oh Nina” she hugged me. There were tears in her eyes
“Sho! Why are you crying like a baby?” I wiped the tears from her cheeks.
“Come, let us go inside”
Together we walked, hand in hand, years ago, she held my hand to guide me, now I held her hand to support her.
*kakka virunnu vilichu: Normal house crows in Kerala have a greyish line on their neck, but there are some crows without that line, and if they caw in a special tone, then it means that you will have a visitor.

By the time I reached my college hostel, I was already 2 hours late. I checked my time table. Anatomy class was just starting. I didn’t want to attend the anatomy class.
Because no one has seen me coming back, I knew I can safely skip the class. I didn’t want to see Dr. Rajesh’s face right now, especially because, Dr Rajesh had asked all the students to study the upper arm muscles during the christmas holidays. I knew the first question he would ask as soon as he enters the class is
“Ms. Thomas, tell me the origin and insertion of Deltoid (or some other muscle in the upper arm)?”.
I dreaded attending his class, as I felt he was finding some satisfaction by picking on me and embarassing me infront of all my classmates. The solution to the problem was simple, I just had to read the book before going to his class, but I didn’t want Dr. Rajesh to have the joy of knowing that, he finally succeeded in making me study anatomy.
I came out of my room and shouted
“Gangamma, Gangamma, where are you?”
“Here, Madam” I saw her waving from the third floor corridoor.
“Come here” I called her
I watched her walking quickly and coming down the staris to my room
“When did you come ma? Not going to class ma?” She asked me, while looking at the lock and key in my hand.
“I came just now. I am tired Gangamma, I want to sleep for a little while. Can you lock my door?” I asked her
“hmm” She nodded her head.
“Thank you Gangamma” I gave her the lock and key and went inside my room.
Gangamma, locked the door from the outside and passed the key to me from the bottom of the door. So now, even if the Princy and hostel warden decided to do a spot check on the occupants of the ladies hostel, to catch those who skip the class, I wouldn’t be caught, as my door is locked from the outside!
I looked at my bag. Should I unpack? Would kapalanga (Sujith) remember to send the telegram? I hoped he would. I will unpack later.
I took the Bhgavad Gita book from my bag and started to read. I must have slept off, because I woke up suddenly hearing Gangamma knocking my door and calling my name. I looked at the clock. 5 minutes to 12. What is going on?
I passed the key to her from under the door and she opened the door.
“What is it Gangamma?”
“Nina ma, today they made aloo gobi( potato with cauliflower) for lunch at the mess. Hurry up and go and eat, before all your friends come from the college and finish it” She was looking at me and smiling.
“Thank you for telling me Gangamma. Did you eat your lunch?”
“Not yet ma, I will eat later”
I walked to the hostel mess. There was only few seniors in the mess.
“Hi Ms Kottayam” They shouted
“Hi” I replied. I felt like telling them the Ms.Kottayam joke is very stale now!

I took a plate from the counter and took the hot Aloo gobhi(potato and cauliflower) and some rice. I was just so glad to be back in the medical college. At least I would get some good food here. While I was eating, I watched one of the seniors going to the counter and asking the contractor, if she could take some food for her room mate. I didn’t know until them that we could take food for our room mates. After finishing my lunch, I too walked to the counter and asked the contractor
“May I please take some food for my room mate?” I smiled the sweetest smile..
He looked at me.
“What is your room mate’s name?”
“Gangga” I replied.
“Ok”
I quickly went to the serving station, took some rice, aloo gobhi and 2 rotis in a plate. used another plate to cover it and ran back to the hostel.
As soon as I reached the hostel entrance I shouted
“Ganggamma, Gangamma, come here quickly”
She was sweeping the corridoor and she looked at me
“what is it Nina ma?” She asked
“Come here” I yelled
“Not now Nina ma, I have to sweep the corridoor, before your warden comes to check”
“Aiyyah, Come here” I pointed to the plate in my hand. I couldn’t shout and tell her that I brought food for her. Someone would hear it and complain to the warden and Gangamma would lose her job.
Hesitantly she walked to where I was standing.
“I bought food for you from the hostel. Go and eat quickly, before anyone sees”
“No ma, I can’t ma, I am not allowed to eat the mess food. I will lose my job”
“Gangamma, stop talking and go and eat. I got Aloo gobi for you. Besides there is enough food for everyone at the mess “
She looked at me and at the plate in my hand. We could hear students talking and walking towards the hostel. Gangamma took the plate from my hand and quickly walked to the corner where she and all the cleaners keep their bags. She hid the plate under her bag. She turned around to see me staring at her
“I will share it with Sidhamma, she is pregnant”
“Ok, make sure she won’t tell anyone”
“I will. Thank you Nina ma”
“It is ok Gangamma”
I walked to my room and few seconds later, Shylaja and Aparna came to the room.
“When did you come?” Aparna asked
“5 minutes ago”
“You missed three lectures. Dr. Rajesh was asking for you”
“hmm, train was late”
‘Are you coming to eat lunch?” Shylaja asked
“I ate already”
“Ok”.

When the postman came, I ran outside, hoping to see if he brought the telegram.
“Postman any letters for me?” I asked
He looked at me and checked the bundles of letters in his hand.
“No” He shook his head.
I felt like killing kapalanga(Sujith). He promised he would send. Why do people never keep their promises?

I changed my clothes and got ready for the anatomy dissection class. Dr. Rajesh saw me as soon as I entered the dissection hall.
“Nina Thomas, where were you this morning?”
“Train was late, sir”
“Why?”
I looked at him. I wondered what does he gain by knowing the exact reason why my train was late. He doesn’t gain anything and I wasn’t going to tell him that some goods train was derailed near Ernakulam
“I don’t know sir” I replied half expecting him to ask me ‘How come? or Why not?’ He didn’t and I walked to my table.

After the dissection class, I went to the canteen to eat egg bhaji. I sat on the corner table and waited for my food to arrive. I took the newspaper from the table next to me and was reading when I heard someone singing.I looked up. He was sitting on the table facing the other side with his friends and singing
“If you love somebody, set them free“. He had such a sweet voice and I was mesmerised. When the song was over, he turned around and found me looking at him. Our eyes met and I quickly looked down.
His eyes, they were small and cute. Oh they were so beautiful! He had the most beautiful voice I have ever heard. Who is this guy? Why he does he look like a Chinese? Is he a Malaysian? I had a thousand questions that I needed to find the answers, but even without knowing anything about him, in my heart I felt a kind of joy that I have never ever felt before. It was the first time I ever wanted to know more about someone. I had to find out more about him. I just had to.

I quickly finished the egg bhaji and got up from the chair, just as I reached the main door, I turned to look. I needed to see his eyes one more time. I regretted turning my head, because he was looking at me and a smile flashed across his face. I quickly walked out of the canteen cursing my own stupidity.

When I reached my room Aparna was getting ready to go for her shower. I thought of asking her, if she knew who that guy is. But I knew, she would tell everyone and soon there will be unnecessary rumours. I will have to find someother way. Although I was sad that, I couldn’t go to Chengannur, deep in my heart I felt a sense of happinesss to be back in the college. Especially after seeing those beutiful eyes. Everything happens for a reason, so I thought. I unpacked my bag, changed my clothes. I lay down on my bed thinking of those beautiful eyes and the beautiful voice.
Some time later I heard someone knocking the door
“The door is open, come in” I shouted thinking that, it must be one of my classmates. I didn’t want to get up from my bed.
Someone knocked the door again
“Aiyyah, the door is open” I got up and walked to the door, ready to scream at the person, who couldn’t just push the door open and come inside.
Princy was standing right outside my door. His face looked very grave.
A thousand thoughts flashed across my head. Did someone snitch on me? Did someone tell him that I skipped the anatomy class? Or is it the lunch I got for Gangamma?
I looked at him, trying to see what is going on.
“Nina, I have arranged my driver to take you to the railway station” He spoke
“huh?” I looked at him stunned. Am I getting suspended? Did my mother really tell that damn man about me forging Appa’s signature? How can a mother do such a thing? I was so mad at Amma
“Your grandfather is not feeling well, your family wants you home”
It took me a few seconds to realize that kapalanga(Sujith) really send the telegram. By now most of the students came to see what is happening. Shylaja quickly packed some of my clothes in to my bag. Within minutes I was out of the hostel and was on my way to the railway station. I felt guilty, cheating everyone, but I had to do something for my grandmother. I also had to tell her about the beautiful eyes.

PS: Does anyone know a song that goes something like this
“There is black cat on the high tree top, it is the same old thing as yesterday…”
That was beautiful eyes’s favourite song and I have succesfully blocked it out. If you know the song or who sang it, please leave a comment. Thanks

I walked to the railway station and bought my ticket to Bangalore. The station was unusually crowded. I looked around trying to figure out why there are so much of people. I asked the porter who was standing near the gate
“chetta What train are all these people waiting for?”
“Where are you going?” He asked me
I wondered if this is a Malayalee disease. Ask any Malayalee a question and they would answer with another question.
“Bangalore” I replied
“Oh! Koche (daughter) go home and come back in the evening. All trains are delayed. Some goods train was derailed near Ernakulam last night, they are still clearing it. I think Island express would be minimum 4 hour late!”
“Oh”
That simply meant I have two choices, go back home with my tail rolled in to a tiny knot and hidden between my legs and face Amma or stay at the railway staion for 10 long hours.
I walked towards the platform
“Koche (daughter) Where are you going? You are wasting your time. Go home, eat a nice lunch and come back later in the evening” I heard the porter calling after me. I turned and smiled at him and spoke
“Chetta I am just going to the magazine shop downstairs to buy some magazines, then I will go home”
“Oh” He replied
There were so many people on the platform. Some of them were even sitting on the steps leading to the platform.
Coffee and tea sellers were Shouting
“Coffee Coffee, Chaya, Chaya Chaya, Choodu Chaya(hot tea)” holding their aluminium dispensing cans and weaving in and out through the crowd. Looking at the crowd, I was sure the sellers would make today, what they would normally earn in a month.They are lucky I thought. Atleast they started their new year well.
“chaya veno?( do you want tea?)” One young boy holding a small can asked me. He had a sweet smile on his face. He must be about 7 years old. He was wearing a white shirt and Khaki shorts. That must be his school uniform
“No” I answered. I wanted to buy some magazines more than tea. I watched the smile on his face disappearing.
“Tell you what, I don’t want to drink tea right now. But later I really want to drink some tea. Make sure, you save a glass of tea for me, Ok?” I smiled and asked him
“Ok. Chechy(sister)” The smile was back on his face. How easy it is to make a child smile?

I walked to the magazine shop. Most of the magazines were sold out. The magazine shop owner too started his New year’s day well, so I thought.
I looked at the display cabinet. I have read most of the novels the seller had, but one book caught my attention.
Bhagavad Gita translation in english. I thought of Ammachi.
“Do you have the same book in Malayalam?” I asked the shop owner
“No, Only this” He sounded too grumpy.
“I will take this”
I thought I will read it and translate for Ammachi.
“But it is in English” The shop owner was mocking me.
I so very badly wanted to tell him to just shut up and give me the book. But I didn’t want to fight. I took the book and gave him the money and walked away. I heard him speaking to someone else who was standing near the shop
“All these kind are the ash poosh generation. They are all trying to show off, that they can read english. Wasting their parents hard earned money buying expensive books and keeping it as show piece”
I didn’t understand why it is anyone’s business as to what I do with my money. If I want to keep a book as a show piece, then I have the right to do so. It is my money. But then again, that is another Malayalee disease. The community has a collective say in every individuals life. Either you go voluntarily along with the majority or be forced to go along with them. Atleast I was glad he didn’t ask me Why a Suriani Kristiani is reading a Hindu holy text!
I looked around me. All the benches were occupied. Some people were even sitting on top of their bags. I started to walk towards the end of the platform.
“Chechy chaya?(sister do you want tea?)”
“eda kutti koranga(my darling little boy) Didn’t I just tell you 5 minutes ago, I will buy tea from you later?”
The smile on his face vanished again
“Aiyyah, I am taking the Island express, that means I will be here for a long time. I promise, I will only buy tea from you”
“God promise?” He looked at me hopefully
“God promise” I spoke.
The sun was shining bright and it was getting hot by the minute. I found a shady spot at the end of the platform. I placed my bag on the floor and sat on it. Across the other side of the platform I noticed a group of nadodi’s (gypsies) squatting on the floor and talking among themselves. I was so angry to see them there.
I looked around the platform to see where the Railway police are? Lazy fellows! They have been paid by the tax payers to make sure that, people like the nadodi’s (gypsies) don’t camp in public places.
I wanted to complain to the railway police and ask the police to evict the nadodi’s (gypsies). They shouldn’t allow nadodi’s (gypsies) to camp out in a public place like this. It is unhygenic, uncultured and most of all, the gypsies are nuisnace! They are all a bunch of thiefs and liars.
And the worst thing was, I noticed thay they were cooking their food in the platform. There were four small wooden stoves on the platform, each had a small aluminium pot on top. Every few minutes someone would open the lid, check the contents inside and close the pot. Amma once told me that, the gypsies catch rats and pigeons and make soup out of them. I felt sick thinking about rat soup.
I watched the mothers, keeping their daughters on their lap and checking their hair for head lice. They were talking loudly to each other, while plucking the lice out from the matted hair and sqashing it on the floor.
Out of nowhere,One boy, who was comparatively bigger than the rest of them came to the platform rolling cycle tire on the platform by using a stick inside the tyre to keep it rolling. All the kids in the gypsy crowd got up and were following him, begging him for a chance to roll the tyre. The big boy kept running without stopping, soon most of the other kids gave up the chase, all except one little girl. She kept on tugging the bigger boy’s shirt and asking for a turn and in an instant I watched him turning and pushing the girl with all his might and she fell down.
The little girl started to howl.
Her crying sounded exactly like how my sisters cry. A helpless cry from the bottom of her heart.
Some of the women in the gypsy craned their neck to see what is going on. Not one person got up to help her or console her. She was just two train tracks away from me and even I didn’t get up from my cozy spot and help that little child.
What if that was Liza? Wouldn’t I have run to console her?
I felt disgusted with myself when I noticed that I could be nice to a tea seller, yet I judged a gypsy crowd, all because they didn’t fit in to my idea of what is nice and not nice.
It occured to me that, I am just like the gypsies. Just like them,the railway station is the only safe place I know. My father’s money keep me on this side of the platform. It is not my merit that I get three good meals in a day and don’t have to drink rat soup.
Never again, will I judge another person for their material worth.
“chechy, Chaya?(sister do you want tea?)”
I was thirsty. I wanted to drink something cold, like a glass of ice cold lemon juice. But a promise is a promise
“yes, give me one cup”

“Children, tomorrow is the first day of the new year. For heaven’s sake,please don’t fight with each other tomorrow. Whatever happens on the first day of the New year, will happen all through the year. So if you fight with each other, then the whole year you will be fighting with each other. If you are happy then the whole year, you will be happy, if you cry, then the next full year you will be crying” Amma spoke as we were eating our dinner.
“Ok Amma” we spoke in unison
“Nina, are you coming to the church for the watch-night service?” Amma asked me
“No” I replied
“Why not?”
I shrugged my shoulder. There was no point trying to make Amma understand, why I don’t want to go to Church.
Around 11 pm Amma and my sisters went to Church. I switched on the TV to watch the countdown. Suddenly I remembered my anatomy answer sheet. I had brought it home with me to get Amma’s signature.
Aiyyah, I should have given it to Amma to sign earlier. Now if I give it to her, she is going to scream and yell at me. I didn’t want to start my new year badly. I had to do something. Then inspiration struck. I went to my room, took the answer sheets from my bag. I thought of forging Amma’s signature. But Maria had signed on behalf of Amma at the college and her signature is very difficult to forge. Then I remembered, there is no record of my father’s signature at my college. I knew Amma had few blank papers with Appa’s siganture in the Godrej cupboard. I took the paper out from the cupboard, went to the dining room and slowly copied Appa’s signature on to my answer sheet.
The funniest moments of the year was going on the TV. I knew I should put the papers back in the right place. I didn’t want to miss the program, so I sat down to watch the TV, promising myself to remember to put the answer sheets in my bag and Appa’s paper in the cupboard.

Amma and my sister came back around 12.30Am. Amma found me sitting in the living room and watching TV.
“Oh, you didn’t want to come to church, so you can watch TV ah?” Amma sounded angry. I quickly switched off the TV and went to my room. I didn’t want to start a fight.
I woke up late on New Year’s day morning, thinking of pleasant things. I silently wished Appa, Ammachi and Maria a very happy new year.
“Nina Thomas, Haven’t you got up yet?” Amma was standing next to my bed and screaming.
‘Oh God,not today, this is the first day of the new year.’
I thought of pulling the blanket over my face, so I won’t have to see my mother’s angry face first thing on New Year’s day(nalla kani!). But I knew it will only make matters worst. I got up from the bed and looked at Amma. Her face looked like she has been stung by 1000 bees. I looked at her, waiting for the outburst at the same time trying to figure out why is she so mad?
Did kapalanga (Sujith) tell Amma our secret?
My heart was beating nonstop. I knew I am going to be in hot soup. I tried to think of all the excuses I can give for asking Sujith to send the telegram. I couldn’t think of anything that would save me.
“What is this?” Amma shoved a piece of paper on my face. I looked at the paper
“My answer sheets”
Oh no, how stupid was I to leave it on the dining table! Why was the damn TV program so important? Oh God, I am so, so, so, Stupid.
“Whose signature is this?” Amma pointed to the signature on the answer sheet.
I looked at the signature. It actually looked very much like the real one!
“Did you hear me? I asked you Nina, whose signature is this?” Amma was shouting
“Appa’s” I answered meekly
“When did your father come here to sign this?”
I didn’t answer. I looked at Amma. I knew, she knew the answer to that question.
“Why did you cheat Nina?” Amma asked
I didn’t respond.
Her slap was quick. I didn’t try to stop her.
“Tell me Nina, Why did you try to cheat?”
I didn’t bother to answer her. My cheek was burning and I rubbed my face gently.
“Answe me Nina” Amma started to shake my body.
I didn’t have any answer to give her
“You are so defiant ah? I will teach you a lesson. I am going to call Acha. I will make sure,he will inform your college principal that you have been forging your father’s signature. I won’t let you get away with this Nina.”
I was so mad at Amma, for trying to use that damn man to get at me.
“Give me the answer sheet back” I spoke
“No. I want proof. I am going to send this to Acha, so he can show your principal” Amma screamed.
I wasn’t going to let her do that to me
“Sorry Amma, that paper isn’t yours. That is something I bought with the money my father send. So give it back”
For a second I thought Amma would slap me again. But I was surprised to see her throwing my answer sheet to my face and walking towards the phone.
“I will teach you a lesson”
I watched her picking up the phone. I was so mad
“You know Amma, you act like a little girl running to her daddy for help each time things don’t go your way. You are so pathetic. You are not even capable of raising your own daughters. You need your brother, sorry lover to help you! No wonder Appa left you”
I watched Amma running towards my room and I slammed the door shut and quickly put the latch on.
“Open the door” Amma was banging on the door and yelling.
I wasn’t that stupid to open the door and get beaten up. I sat on my bed. I could hear her curses
“If there is God, I swear, you will suffer for all these Nina. You will suffer! You will never do well in your life. You will pay for all these.”
Before I used to get all worked up each time Amma cursed me. Now I am no longer afraid of her curses. I knew whatever has to happen will happen, with or without Amma’s curses.
“Liza, you stand here. Tell me when your stupid sister opens the door. She isn’t going to get out of that room. She thinks she is too smart. I will show her how smart I am. I will teach her a lesson today”

I knew I am stuck in my room. I needed to get out. I thought of opening the door and let Amma get the satisfaction of beating the life out of me. But somewhere deep in my heart, I didn’t want her to have that satisfaction. Anyway she will use that mad man in Bangalore to make my life miserable. I am not going to let her beat me and also make my life miserable

I brought my answer sheet home, so she could sign it. But I was afraid of her taunts. I didn’t want to hear her telling me, what a loser I am on the first day of the new year. If Amma was good to me, there was no need for me to cheat her. Besides, all through the engineering college, Maria was forging Appa’s signature. Amma didn’t have any problems with that!

I climbed on my bed to see what Liza is up to. She was standing like a security guard staring at me door knob, waiting for me to turn it. I thought, she actually looked pretty good, all that was missing was a gun. She looked up and I ducked my head quickly.
How pathetic is that, my mother uses my sister to guard my room? I looked at my watch. I had another five hours to catch the train, but I wasn’t going to let Amma use my sisters against me. I changed my clothes, packed my bag and opened the door
“Amma, Amma, Nina opened the door” Liza was shouting, while stretching her hands and trying to block my way.
“Liza, move” I ordered
“No”
I pushed her hands away.
“Liza, this is between Amma and me, don’t get yourself involved in this”
“No, Amma asked me”
I shook my head. My sister will never understand the games my mother plays.
“Amma come fast, Nina is leaving” She started to run after me. She grabbed my hand and I pushed her away and walked quickly to the living room. I could see Amma running towards me from the kitchen.
“Where do you think you are going?” Amma was shouting
I quickly ran out of the house. I knew Amma won’t, rather can’t hit me infront of the neighbours. Confidentally I walked to the gate, opened it, got out and closed the gate. After closing the gate, I looked at Amma. She was standing near the veranda. I felt sorry for hurting her feelings. I shouldn’t have spoken to her like that
“Bye Amma” I spoke nicely, hoping she would forgive me. She huffed and went back inside. I watched her slamming the door shut.
What a wonderful way to start the New year!