Why I will never get married.

They say never say never, but this is one never that will always be a never. I will never get married.

When I got married the first time, I had so much hope, dreams and expectations. It was so exciting. I was like a bird all ready to soar high in this journey with my partner.

First it was my name that went. The name I was born with, the name my parents gave. Just because I chose to live with a man, the society expected me to change my name..

It was as if I could never be me and still be married.

As a woman, you then start to give off a bit of yourself.. for the sake of peace, sanity and each day you find a few of your feathers have been plucked..eventually you lose your wings and your identity.. the wings you thought you would be using to soar high..

Finally, you lose yourself completely. You become someone’s wife, someone’s daughter-in law, someone’s sister in law and someone’s mother. But you as a person do not exist. Your dreams, your hopes, your aspirations take a backstage because as a woman, wife and a mother, you are expected to give all of yourself.. for your family. It is your duty. You are like a candle, burning to give light so needed and everyone is happy because you give the light.. yet no one sees you burning..

It took me years to find my wings again. I will never ever give that up.

I am me.. I will always be me. I have a name and I have dreams and hopes and ambitions. I will not sacrifice my dreams, hopes and ambitions to a marriage. Even if it meant that I will have to say goodbye to a guy who means the world to me.

19 thoughts on “Why I will never get married.

  1. Sarah, most of us can identify with the losing of identity after marriage. I lived like a shadow for ten years, and then decided to get back that lost identity. And I learnt I can be married and still be me. A lot depends on who you are and still more depends on who your partner is. So, don’t give up a good man because of your fear of marriage.

  2. ayyo… what if at the end of it, u have achieved all your ambitions… but u don’t have love in your life…..

    Will achieving your dreams make u more happy? Or having a life full of love?

    I guess it’s our priorities…

    • Meeta: you don’t need to get married to have love in your life. I love him. He loves me.. but marriage is not something I am willing to do

  3. hey that’s good then…I thought you are losing the love of your life… if love is there, and will be there, then all is well…. don’t leave him… 🙂

  4. Marriage might break the beautiful love life.

    Even if u don’t marry, don’t loose him , I will come to Ur place and give a bang?

  5. Partly true. For everything there is checks and restriction. In marriage also it is. The male partner also lose freedom. So it is an adjustment. For the sake of family. And the reward, the children you never mantioned. Or that also the useless byeproducts? Everybody jsutify when the chance comes ( only when it comes not choosing it). that is all.

  6. I believe it’s possible to be married and still be able to accomplish personal goals and desires. I’ve seen many who were able to do that as they have gotten a lot of support from their husbands/kids etc. It really lies on what your partner and you want in the marriage. It doesn’t have to mean that once you’re married, you have to give up your life for the sake of your husband/kids. Yes you do need to care for them and get their priorities down, but again, it’s not like you have to prevent yourself from doing things you enjoy. I think I’ve seen that too w/o being married but somewhat similar. You did a lot for your kids but you still got the chance to accomplish what you want..am I right?

    HOWEVER from a two day argument with my mom this weekend about marriage, here are reasons NOT to get married:
    1. You have to give up your home and parents since husband’s family is “priority” (Yes, I was actually told this today). Yes you no longer have “rights” to stay in your own home. What a fucked up thinking in today’s world. And honestly if my cousins in India still think this and do this, it is VERY SAD. My mom even said I can only come home and visit but my priority is husband and that my brother is responsible for them..I cannot share the responsibility and help them? Is there no egalitarian concept in India? Perhaps maybe that’s why the country is so messed up and corrupted/sexist to a tee!

    2. Pertaining to Indian (or perhaps only malayalee culture), the kids know their culture and roots, while kids born abroad are rotten spoiled, lack “discipline” etc etc. One that is complete bullshit. A specific culture doesn’t ensure well behaved always obeying parents kids. Parents are oblivious to what kids in India do w/o their knowledge and do things behind their back (drinking, sex etc, even my cousins do it!). It’s how the parents raise and treat their children with RESPECT that ensures well rounded and good kids. Of course Indian parents lack this as they are known for forcing their kids to live through their wants and desires and use them as an asset to show themselves off! Not saying all Indian parents are like this as there are very much those who are progressive. And while it is true some traditions are still followed, the mindset is CHANGED. If you get married only to follow customs and live 1842 with the same old mindset..good luck b/c the rest of the world have moved on you won’t get far much living like you’re in 1842 and trying to get others to be the same!

    3. You cannot be yourself but rather be the “perfect” DIL to satisfy the family and be this perfect “bomma” who does no harm and can take abuse. A good marriage will learn to respect a person no what qualities they lack or what they like personally. You don’t need to change your looks, clothing preferences, style so that others can “ohh and ahh” you as if you’re some celeb. My mom said to me today I need to be more “normal” and fit the mold. So yes I need to be super feminine and dress in the most expensive sari and chunks off gold to show off my wealth to show how “prized” I am.

    Marriage is supposed to be a companionship where two people rely on each other physically and emotionally, where they come from, what their preferences are has ZERO to do with compatibility! And honestly if this is what marriage is supposed to be as if it’s some farmer’s market, then forget it! And I told her straight up that I’m not going to marry with her constant nagging on how I need to prepare myself for “marriage”. You learn as you go, that’s how it works. Talk about being an Indian in this pathetic sense. Ugh! It’s one instance where I’m now ashamed to be an Indian and find it ridiculous to pass down the old traditions, good and bad to the next generation..they don’t need that horrific mindset and make misery for others. End of rant!

    • J1206: You are contraindicating.. if you are asked not to support your parents after your marriage.. then marriage defines who you become..

  7. Hi Sarah,
    In northern europe, Scandinavia to be precise.
    Marriage is so outdated, the society lets you live as a couple without getting married, I have not married, but have the same legal status as a married one.
    We should shed the customs and traditions, imposed by our forefathers, be bold and walk forward, the only problem is in still some countries, the government still works in the old traditional ways.
    100 years down the line, we will be like, did people really need a marriage by law and all that to live together! Be strong move to Europe!! 😉

    • Thomas: I wish I could move to Europe.. but I can’t. My son is in the last two years of high school and my youngest is half way through her Spanish Immersion..

    • @Thomas

      It’s really hard to do that because the sole factor that is causing this is mindset. Once we break the norm and bring another perspective, hopefully others will follow (and it’s starting to slowly). But in very old fashioned countries, the government has the power and authority to dictate how a society should run and how people should live their lives. Anything done by those who don’t fit the mold are probably shunned or treated inferior. That said, I think it’s nice to keep some traditions and customs, however with modifications. After all, they all change overtime.

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