Here I am

First of all thank you all for mails and comments asking me if I am alright.

I am not. I have had the worst few weeks of my life. And I am not able to write what I am going through here.

I started this blog in 2005 as I needed a place to write the good, bad and  ugly things that happened/s in my life. I  have MS and I wanted a place to keep my memories safe, so my kids will have access to them when my brain will no longer function. Most people have family they can lean on to in times of trouble. I don’t have that, so I relied on strangers around the world. Many of you have offered me a shoulder to lean on in times of trouble. We shared the laughter and shed the tears together.

It was comforting to know I was not alone.

My oldest sister used to read my diaries when I was a teenager and it then her snooping progressed to coming to my hostel and going through my stuff..and once she even came to the house where I stayed in Bangalore while I was away and got the key from the landlord and went through my stuff.

And now my sisters started to stalk me in this blog to an extent that even when they are on holidays in Timbuktu or Slovenia  or wherever, they still visit my blog

I have made it clear many times why I walked away from my family. Apart from the fact that we shared a womb and a horrible childhood, I have nothing to do with my sisters. I do not have the contact details of my sisters and have made no attempt in the past 8 years to have any contact with any of them. I have not seen my youngest sister for well over a decade. I have never met my nephews or know their names. I will never see any of my sisters in this life time. I know one should never say never. But this is one thing I am pretty sure of. The one thing I wanted was to protect my children from my family. I felt the best gift I could give my children was to keep them as far away as possible from my family.  Yet, when my sisters are reading this blog, I am not protecting my kids from them.

They have effectively limited my ability to write whatever that I wanted to write. Perhaps that is their aim.

I wish they would leave me alone.

33 thoughts on “Here I am

  1. Hello Sarah,

    I am so glad you’ve written again. Like the others I was very concerned. However, as this is my only means of contacting you, know I’m relieved to “see” you in print once more. Best wishes, Sarah.


  2. Hi Sarah, I’m glad you posted I was about to send a mail to ask if you are OK. I don’t want to presume to know your situation or what you are going through but perhaps it will help in some way if I talk about a situation I faced – an aunt who was particularly mean to me when I was young for no reason that I could fathom. I fumed in outrage and spent many a hour making sense of that. Ultimately I came to the conclusion that I had no control over how she behaved but could only control how I reacted to it. I just learnt to ignore her. I also managed to mentally forgive her (she passed away recently). I hope you find you own way to deal with this.

  3. Sarah, write as if nobody is reading. You want to keep your memories alive for your children, keep writing. don’t let your family steal those memories from your children. Don’t let them win. You are a fighter, Sarah, you must win.

    • N: I have always wrote as if nobody was reading.. but then when I see my sisters constantly checking the blog.. even when they are on holidays, it gets a bit too much.

  4. Sarah, You haven’t changed much from the innocent young girl exploited by the shrewd sisters. All the life you suffered because of them still you managed to reach this much. Now don’t give up

    You have to be bold now. They can’t do much to you or your kids. You ignore them.
    If you stop writing that will be victory for those evils. So don’t stop writing what you want to write. I am with you.

  5. Hi Sarah,
    I used to frequently check your blog to see if there were any updates…. Glad to see u alive and kicking!!!
    It’s sometimes sad how u cannot throw people from your life no matter how hard you try. Maybe your sisters use it as a way to get info about you and it’s frustrating that u are being pushed into a corner. But u are a survivor and I’m sure all your readers hope you find a way out of this. It is sad if this blog comes to an end (and I sincerely hope not) but if that’s what u have to do to protect your children….:-((
    Meanwhile I hope you and your kids are happy, healthy and safe!!!


  6. Hi Sarah,

    I am a long time reader of your blog and have always enjoyed your writing. Infact, you may even recognise my IP address as I come to your blog quite often. Though I may not hold the similar view to yours in all aspects, I think what draws me to your blog is the indomitable spirit and the positive energy it radiates regarding conquering your limits. So, I encourage you to keep writing even if it is a private blog. You do have a knack for writing ! And someday, I hope to read a book by you..

    Keep writing!

    • Ann: When my youngest leaves home, I am heading to S. America, and I hope to spend a few years there and write a book…

  7. Just to let you know, there are many of us who are in a similar position. I totally understand your experiences in having a ‘toxic’ family….I also have family members who are very similar to yours, and am waiting for the day I get that job and just walk away from them and keep my distance and contact minimal. It’s nothing to ashamed of either. In addition, you are doing the best you can to keep you and your family away from them but can’t control it 100%. The best you can do is just ignore and let them babble their idiocy.

  8. Found your blog by chance and was so happy reading it. I was actually searching for umikari when I stumbled upon it. Glad to notice one thing and that is there are few things I can relate to from what I read.
    Have a good day and do continue to blog?

    • MS: I can, but then they will use proxies and it becomes a never ending game of cat and mouse. I just want them to stop haunting me.

  9. Hi Sarah ,

    I was wondering why there was no post from you for this long . This is a difficult position to be in . Please stay strong … There are a whole lot of people who are rooting for you here 🙂

    • Aditi: I can still see IP of my oldest sister and my sister younger to me on statscounter. It looks like they are bent upon tormenting me

  10. Me an avid reader. Happened to bump into your blog n when I do not know. I was missing your blog. In fact, I have told many of my friends about your blog. The incidents which you narrate are some where related to each of us and kind off trans gates. Don’t bother about stalking. The world is yours girl. keep writing. You never know your sisters may b admiring your narratives and some day you will win your sibings. a REAL U-TURN.

    • Susanna: Nah, I don’t want them to take a U-turn. I don’t want to do anything with any of them. I just want to be left alone

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