I read this article yesterday and I can’t even describe the myriads of emotions I felt.
As a doctor, I have seen many suicide cases.
And the truth is for a very long time, I also had a stash of valium, enough to kill few dozen cows and elephants.
So you can imagine how my feelings swung from despair to anger.
I have been there..you know the top of that peak….on one side is the struggles you had endured up until now and the other side is supposed to be all rosy and beautiful, but at that moment, all you see is total blackness, anger and despair. It takes but a moment to just end it all,
( The wise among you will now lift the placard that says ‘depression’)
But in my case, I always felt there is so much more to live and I was determined to fight the battle, even if I was going to lose at the end.
My journey certainly hasn’t been walk in the park. I have gone through much more than what most of you have ever experienced in your life. But I can still tell you, it was all worth it.
This morning,I was woken up at 6.20 ( the usual time) with the usual dialogue.
“mom, morning, you need to make my school lunch”
6.20 is chosen deliberately by my child, because she knows I am not a morning person and it takes my brain at least 10 minutes to send impulses down to my limbs to get them to move. and so by 6.30 I will get up!
I had leftover ravioli from last night, so I made some tomato cream sauce to go with it. My child came out of her room and asked me how do I look.
She wore a blue jeans short, a brown plain sleeveless tshirt and over it another colourful ( really colourful, brown, purple and green..) top. Both hands were full of bangles, mixed bunch of green, purple and brown. 2 neck laces. One brown and the other one green and a purple necklace as a head band!
She looked gorgeous..very much like a gypsy.
Because the lunch didn’t take too long to make, I went and sat down on the couch to drink my tea.
This morning it was a bit cold, so I used sofa throw as a blanket to cover my legs.
Yaya came to sit next to me. I asked her
“Would you like some tea?” ( if your child sits next to you and look longingly at your cup of tea, it is pretty obvious!!)
And that grin on her face..when she knew that I know her too well..was priceless.
She took my cup, took a sip and screamed “hot” and started to jump up and down.
I have never understood this. How can anyone not know that if you see steam coming from the top of your drink, it is very hot!
I screamed and told her, “don’t you dare drop my tea”. ( come to think of it, I didn’t ask her if she burned her lips.)
She gave me that look..
You know that look..here I am, almost burned my lips and my mother is more worried about me dropping the cup of tea than my burned lips…that kind of look.
Edited: The tea is my favourite Kusmi ( prince vladimer)
The sofa is Ikea Karlstad white.
Imagine her dropping my most cherished, life sustaining precious tea on a white couch!! ( and to think that I went and bought a white couch when I have three messy children!)
We glared at each other for a few seconds..then she smiled a very wicked smile, in one quick sweep she pulled the blanket off me and used the blanket to cover her.
We were somehow even.
“I love you mom” she said happily.
and yes, the pay is less..but the fringe benefits are spectacular
Back to the article,
I keep thinking,
Did we as a society not fail this girl?
Why would a child think there is no hope and end her life just because she didn’t get her student loan?
Why can’t we teach our children that if one door closed, there are 1000’s more that you could try?
What is the point of protest rallies and demonstration when it would bring no result?
Why can’t all these people who are making all the brouhaha do something and establish a help line, a counselling center..a forum..anything that would help a child who is crying out for help?
And lastly.. If you were ever in a situation and feel that there is no hope for you and want to end your life, I can’t promise you that your tomorrows are going to be bright and shiny..but I can tell you this..
If you don’t try to reach for your tomorrows, if you stop believing in your tomorrows..you will never know what you might be missing.. so live..fight the battle..don’t give up.