“ela vannu mullel veenalum, mullu vannu elel veenalum, kedu elakku thanney” ( If the thorn falls on the leaf or the leaf falls on the thorn, the damage is always to the leaf.)
I didn’t particularly raise my children as “Indian”. My reasons were simple. I didn’t want to raise them with prejudices. But beyond that, I also felt, I am the one who chose not to live in India/Malaysia and I had no right to force an alien culture on my children in the name of continuing tradition.
I didn’t want to be like the mother who send rice and curry to her son everyday for his lunch..like it is in Kerala. But this boy was in US, in the mid west..and he never ate lunch all his school life. His mother woke up faithfully every morning to pack a proper chottu pothi ( lunch) and I have often wondered what would be her feelings if she knew that for 12 years, her precious son, whose every step in life was carefully orchestrated as per Indian tradition never had lunch?
I thought nadu odumbol naduvey odanam ( when in Rome, be ..)
Some days, if I come back home early in the evening, children and I go to the local shop to buy ice cream. We then walk to the nearby park and spend the evening there.
Yesterday, the younger two didn’t want to come. Both had borrowed new books from the library and both wanted to read their book. So only Yaya and I went.
And soon enough those questions started..
If I had brought “everybody” home any time I wanted something from my mother, Yaya asks questions..that pits me in a competition with “everybody”
“Mom, would you let me go out for a party?”
Oh, yes, I knew where this questions are leading to..and I have to be very careful.
so I replied
“Sure, but it depends on where, why, who, when”
“What if it is a late party?”
“What do you mean by a late party?” I asked
“You know late night, 9 to 12”
9 to 12? my almost 14 year old child wants to go out partying till midnight? Over my dead body.
But think what would happen if I tell that to my child?
“Well, I think it depends on whose house the party is held at, for eg, if you are invited to B’s party I don’t have any problem”
B’s mother is a doctor and is a very close friend of mine and there is no way she would allow her child to have a late night party!
” You know something mom,Salma’s ( not her real name) mother is so mean, She won’t let Salma go to any parties after 5 pm. Her mother thinks bad things happen to girls after 5. Salma is planning to sneak out from her home to go for a movie. She has already been to Kathy’s ( not real name) party by lying to her mother. she told her mom she has basketball practice !!”
I didn’t say anything. It isn’t my place to judge Salma’s mother. At the same time, I want my children to tell me the truth at all times.
“Mom, would you mind if I date someone when I am in Spain?”
I wanted to cry.
This is the first time my child is going to live away from me for such a long time and now I also have to worry about her starting to date?
“What do you mean by dating?” I asked, hoping against hope that her def of going out for a date is something simple.
“You know, going out with a guy, you know how hot Spanish guys are”
Honestly, at that moment, I wanted to run back to Kerala, back to the safety of Chengannur society.
I could picture myself..constantly checking on Yaya, going through her books to find hidden love letters, not having to worry about going out with a guy.
But again, I chose to live outside. All this is part of my living outside India. I could be like Salma’s mother and not know what my child has been doing behind my back or I could just be forthright.
With a very heavy heart I told my child
” Yaya, you are old enough to make decisions that affect your life” ( and no, I am not ready to let her make decisions that affect her life. But what am I to do?
She probably saw my rather ‘pale’ face and told me
“mom, don’t worry, my teacher has been drilling in to us about facts of life. He even said, He wants to bring back the same number of kids he took to Spain and why he really doesn’t want to bring back an extra child!”
And I keep thinking how am I to handle all these new ways of living..
What IS 'Indian' culture? Is is a fear of the opposite sex, being 'proper' at all the time and knowing every move somehow always directly damages your reputation?
How is it that Indian culture always becomes something necessary for girls to have and boys – optional?
You know, even in India – there is never any guarantee that your daughter wouldn't sneak out, date and do whatever else is so against the culture and most likely leave them with a sense of guilt for the years coming.
Your only way of dealing is really – despite whatever 'culture' they grow up in – they know your values and morals – based on reason and not tradition…and then – it's up to them to make the choice. Because it is after all, and you say it well enough, their lives.
All will be fine. I am sure yaya just wants to see her mom's reaction. Great effort from your part but then dating starts early on and finally they do have to find their life partners! Only glitch is that it starts early on (outside). At least you do have an open channel for communication with your kids.
Sig: I read your comment in the morning and in the evening I read the news about Mehanaz. You asked what is Indian culture and I think it is the culture that teaches a woman to feel nothing, to be nothing and exist only as an appendage to her husband..as his toy. and the culture and the custodians of the culture continues to torment the women so they would toe the line set by the same men!
SL: Even after living outside India for more than half my life time..even after breaking every taboo set by those who think they have a right to do set those rules, even after getting two post graduate degrees, I still struggle to break free from the cultural clutches..and I struggle each day, every day.
I know….and we need to move past that. You have the privilege as such of not living in that society any more. From what I read of you, you have broken through many barriers of cultural tyranny and I can understand how despite your rationality and trust on your kids, these thoughts still seep through. I was pretty much born and brought up here in Aus, yet my parents raised me like I was living in India for certain parts of my life – those that related to dating/going out/freedom. I rebelled (although compared to half the kids and yes even the other Indian ones – I was still considered conservative!!) and it didnt end well for basically the point up until I got married. Because then you see, I was my 'husbands' responsbility. Ugh. My husband couldnt give a shit to cultural taboos and I lead my life they way I want 🙂
My Daughter is 10 and I hope I have at least 4 more years before I have to worry about this! But I do hope you had the “Talk” with her. I agree that we have to adjust to the culture that we are in – cant put our kids in a bubble – Its better to go back to the home country if one cant adjust, not to mention that back home the culture has changed too since we left.The other day while channel hopping I saw a reality show about Teen moms (on MTV?) perhaps you can watch that with her and hopefully that will lead to a good discussion. We have no control over the choices that our children make, you can only equip them to make good choices.
Gautham: I have talked to them about sex. But I really am not ready to accept the fact that my children are no longer little kids and are already thinking about mating!! What is odd is that, I know everything about hormone changes..desires..etc, I have been there and I certainly don't consider sex is something bad! Yet, I can't seem to cope. My friend;s daughter is 13, she is already on contraceptive pills..and I worry..