Thanikku thanum…

Thanikku Thanum, Purakku thoonum.. ( loosely translated it means the house always has the pillars for support and you will always (only) have yourself.)
It was my oldest sister’s favourite quote.
Anytime my sister asked for something from us and didn’t get it, she would mutter thanikku thanum purakku thoonum

Each time she said that, I felt so guilty. I felt, I failed her by not doing whatever she asked for and end up doing it for her. ( it could be as simple as going to ladies corner shop to buy shampoo for her, when she could do it herself but chose not to, because she was lazy!)

I hated that quote. ( Mostly because I was very much aware that my sister used the quote to manipulate me and I couldn’t help being manipulated!!)
But lately I have been thinking of that quote.
It is one of the greatest truths on earth.
You will always have only you for support.

Fools like me keep hoping for a miracle, for that hand to hold to face the storms the sea of life is bend up on throwing on your face.
But the truth fools like me need to learn is that there is no one out there to hold your hand..
All that you really have is yourself.

Here I am, on my own, with three kids.
aarum cheetha vilikkanilla
aarum karyippikkan illa
I have me and the kids have me.

Amma used to say for everything in life you must have thaley vara venam
I guess, being loved, being cherished, to have someone to hold and love is not written in my thala.
And I guess, it is futile trying to fight for something that is not in your destiny.
I stopped trying.

Today, I became an Australian permanent resident..
It is supposed to be a joyous occasion..but all I right now have is a house of dreams built on bloody sands of hope.

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