The pain of waiting

I am actually trying to figure out what is the root cause of my fear of waiting. I hate to wait. Not because I am impatient, but because I am afraid.

As a child, my parents often vanished in the morning during weekends leaving us with the Ayah and don’t come back till very late in to the night. They never said where they were going or when they would come back.
I used to wait for them to come back.( Mostly because I know how my mother can annoy my father and how fast my father can lose his temper and how it will end)
By evening I would start panicking and by night time, I had already imagined all the worst scenarios, including being send to the orphanage!!
I know I have a very fertile imagination..
But try as I might, I could never accept that nothing untoward will happen and that my parents would come back home safely.
I think Amma knew of my fears, cause i remember her often leaving the house in the morning telling us that she had enough of raising us and would leave. Again not telling where she is going or when she would come back.
I don’t remember if I had already written about the most harrowing time I had waiting for my mother. I was in the 10th and it was raining heavy that day. Amma left in the morning telling she is going”just over there”. By evening the power went off.Full blown thunder storm. Just me and my younger sisters, alone in a big house. To make matters worst, some idiot howled like a banshee and ran down the street, scaring the living day light out of us, which made my sisters cry and I had no choice, but to lock the house and go to my neighbour’s. I had to tell them Amma didn’t come back and we are scared.
Amma did come back. Late at night. She never forgive me for going to the neighbour’s either!
The death of Beautiful Eyes changed everything..

I am pedantic when it comes to keeping my word. I always, ‘ALWAYS’ pick up my children on time from school. I will never let them go through what I have gone through waiting for my parents. I always tell them where I am going and what time I am expected back and they know exactly what to do in the event something happened and I am delayed.
I do hate it so much when someone tells me that they will call and then don’t. Of course, there could be perfect reasons for not being able to make that call. But I will be waiting for that call.. and my stupid mind would imagine the worst possible scenarios..
It is is trip to hell and back.
All it takes is one simple sms..Just let me know.. that is all I ask..

The worst is, I have to endure it over and over, cause no one ever understands what I go through..

2 thoughts on “The pain of waiting

  1. The fear of uncertainty is the biggest fear of all. We all have it. Some of us are put in situations where the fear manifests to absolute terror. In my case the fear of abuse. Too painful to even think about.

  2. hey, today i was scolding my eldest daughter for never letting us both (me and my hubs) out of the house at the same time. she starts crying and one of us usually melts and stays home with the kids..

    i know your example is a bit extreme, (mom saying she's fed up of raising kids and going), but you opened my eyes to my daughters point of view. now I will try to explain the details (where, when, etc) of our return to her.

    though she knows that we wont be gone for an hour, she knows that she can phone us at any time, she knows that she can go to the neighbor for anything , she will start crying if we mention going out without the kids. hmmm. such is life, alle?

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