This is part of a mail I received this morning.
“Let us just assume that we didn’t know each other ; at least even through emails. Even as a stranger, I am alarmed at what you have been putting up in the blog. Just as from one human to another may I ask you to refrain from such explicit details of relationships that you have in your writings. You may also want consider deleting some that are already out there.
Think about how it will affect your children, your sisters and their children, and all the others you have named! These revelations have strong implications and severe consequences. I am not so naive to assume that you have not. But still … with the course you have adopted, you are taking plunge into an unknown … for your children and indirectly for others.
As you know that I have absolutely no personal gain from what I have stated, I hope you will at least take sometime to consider my suggestions.
You have suffered much, yet you have not gone under. You are making the best of life as you can now. I see dignity, strength and great courage in that. I respect that and at times I am at owe the way life has been for you.
Yet and yes, yet ..one other word of caution.
What if life is not just what we have here now and today! A day will come to many (not to all) when they will start worrying about such things. If that happens don’t just conclude on your decisions with one sided arguments.
May you and your lovely children have a blessed and happy life. May the giver of peace and life give you peace and happiness for the rest of your life.”
To the person who send the mail
I am sorry, if you feel that my blog is detrimental to the welfare of my sisters/mother/father/my kids..
Unfortunately what I write is what I went through and I don’t own a magic wand to make things better.. to make everything perfect( believe me, I wish I have a magic wand.. at least for my Children’s sake)
However, I will continue to write about my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences because I need to find my answers..
You don’t like the way I write.. I am sorry, I really can’t help you.
I never said this is going to be a fairytale and I don’t intend to create a fairytale to please you.
Lastly, you wrote”you are taking plunge into an unknown … for your children”
Please don’t bring my Children in to this.
You have no idea what my family makes my children go through.
What do you know about my children’s feelings?
Do you have any idea what my children go through each day?
Do you know how much it hurts them when their friends get birthday/Christmas cards and gifts from their grandparents/uncles/aunts and not my kids?
Do you know how Yaya felt when her wonderful Ammachi didn’t wish her on her Birthday?
What do you want me to tell my children when my family treats them like this?
How do I introduce them to my father, when he lives with a woman younger than my oldest sister while my mother is alive? How can I let my children call my father’s mistress grandma as my father expects them to?
How do I let them meet their grandmother, who loves to tell them that “your mother is really stupid and dumb”?
All my life, I thought about everyone else’s feelings and even when I was hurting, I was there for my mother and my sisters when they needed me..but while I was busy trying to hold my family together, they forgot I existed, in their selfish life, there was no place for me or for my feelings..(now they have no place for my children in their life either)
I don’t think I ought to worry about their feelings or the consequences of my writings.. Each of them knew what they were doing, they chose to do it on their own free will..and my blog is to tell my side of the story.
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I 100% agree with you..
You are not here to please tom,dick and harry..
This is about ur life…
Sarah,
You are not answerable to anyone. Do not bother about these emails. At some point of time we all need a medium to pour out our feelings.
Take care, hugs!
If some see the very pain that you trying to let go as detrimental to your family (conveniently choosing to close one eye as to how it has affected you), I think it’s time for them to move away from you.
dear sarah,
being a regular reader of ur blog i know what you go through and how you feel. most important ur strength and love. there are times i had felt my heart pain reading some posts, very often discussing wid my friends about ur strength and praying for ur family.
dont bother about these kind of emails or comments. there is a whole big world out here reading ur blog everyday, wishing u luck, praying for ur kids and feeling proud of u.
cheers! keep writing. we are listening and we do understand you…
To the person who wrote that mail -please leave if you don’t like what you read. You have no right to tell her to delete her post or to stop writing her life story. People have made movies of true life stories – No one told them to stop right?
Sarah – it is good you let this in the open…but don’t let it effect you.
To the person who wrote the email-
Sarah writes what SHE went through in her life(good or bad)… it’s not to show us that her sisters or parents were bad… it is a simple account of her life and how she saw it at that time, her feelings when each incident happened… if you don’t want to read it, plz don’t… it takes a lot of courage to do that and we, her readers really admire sarah for that…
Great!
How could many of you be so cruel?
I mean cruel to her.
You call yourself her friends?
Pity on you!
Did you read the email?
There is nothing offensive in the email.
If anything it has words of compassion and love. May be a few words for caution.
That is all.
Does it say that she should not write about her feelings or whatever happened to her.
Absolutely not!.
What it says is that she doesn’t have to be so explicit about the details of illicit relationships.
If you are her true friends you will try to say so too.
Many in this world may have had such illicit relationships and mess going on in their life. Dated form the beginning of human history.
They don’t put that up in the face of the World and say ah haa look what happened in my family. If anything, they separate it out from the public eye.
HOW MANY OF YOU ON THIS BLOG WHO ARE BRAGGING OF THE FREEDOM AND FEELINGS AND EXPRESSIONS WANT TO TELL TO THE PUBLIC OF YOUR ILLICIT SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS?
ABOUT RAPE OR OF ANY SUCH THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO YOU, TO YOUR MOTHER, FATHER, UNCLES OR OTHERS TO YOUR CHILDREN AND TO THE WORLD?
How many of you will even admit to it?
Sarah/Nina’s identity is neither a secret nor is she anonymous any more.
Have you thought of the cultural impact? May be Sarah is in a foreign country. But those who are in India/Orient, they look at these things when it comes to future relationships and the such. Well forget that!
How much MORE of a metal impact is to the children of these families and others? Have you ever thought about it? If these are of no consequence for such information then we should call ourselves cave-men. If these things are of cultural and morel value then they are not for the public to read and glee. They are like a infected wound oozing with stinking pus. You don’t display them.
Rather you cover them.
Saying that such display is not healthy is NOT saying that we do not have compassion and feelings towards it.
So get off the cheer wagon and be practical people.
Soul,
Bravo.. good idea.. you are telling all the women out there, here is the best suggestion for surviving rape or incest.. Hide it, shut up and get on with your life..
Do you have any idea what a rape/incest victim goes through?
Do you have any idea how it feels to keep secrets, because there are men like you who won’t want to hear the truth
Mayy be you ought to open your eyes and see the trauma that a rape/incest victim go through, because there are people like you who makes life more difficult.. You prefer silence over truth, because in your world, bad doesn’t happen and even if it did, it is the victims fault and she better keep quiet, or her children, their children and their grandchildren will suffer because no one wants to marry them.. SHAME ON YOU
People like you are the cause, countless women commit suicide each day, because they can’t keep the secret any longer and the shame eats them inside out..
Telling the truth about incest and rape isn’t bragging..in a way it is cleansing..
only a person with mighty ego and zero compassion would ever feel that it is bragging..
Oh Sarah,
Getting counsel for rape victim and having compassion for them is one thing.
Let us not confuse that with announcing it to the world.
I totally agree with the consequences you expressed for the such! All the more reason to have it dealt with privately than exposed it publically.
Soul: I don’t know if you know that
I am a medical doctor and that unlike most people, I can access reliable and better help faster than an ordinary joe public.
Have you ever wondered why I never did go for counselling?
It is the bloody shame of telling someone on the face that nmy father had a mistress, my mother… my sister blah blah..
The shame is too deep and too painful to blurt it out to another person face to face..
Also medical community is a close knit family and although I know about the privacy laws, if I had told a counsellor about my family I was afraid that the next time I see the counsellor at work/party/conference, I would feel ashamed and would be afraid of their reaction, because I would always be thinking what impression they have about me..because I know, like you have judged me, he/or she would judge me too..
So I never told anyone and now I can finally blog about my feelings and someone is listening, not because I need your sympathy.. I just need to unload..and while doing so, I hope those women out there who has the misfortune to go through what I went through will not suffer in silence and wreck their life like I did..
Soul, you wrote
“But those who are in India/Orient, they look at these things when it comes to future relationships and the such. Well forget that!”
Why? Why does a child be punished for the sins of her parents? Why should a child hide behind the veil of shame?
Why isn’t there a man in India who has the guts to say, I don’t judge you for what your parents/sisters/family did.. I love you for what you are?
So, It is you we have to be worried about, don’t we?
It is you, who needs a ‘pure’ virgin bride, because a ‘tainted’ one isn’t worthy of your love or worthy to carry your surname..Right?
It is the fear of people like you that makes most womenn shut up and hide their secrets
it is the fear of social isolation by men of your ilk that keeps women quiet for centuries..
It is the same fear that makes a mother discharge a child against medical advice and take her home to the rapist who raped her,
the same fear that makes an unmarried woman have an abortion, because she would be judged for her character, (though it takes two to tango and immaculate conception aren’t that common),
So we need to shut up and hide our shame or people like you will make sure our children don’t have any future..
I feel sorry for you and for the world you inhabit..
And I hope, my children would find someone who loves them for who they are..not for the family there were born in to.. because unlike most things in life one can’t chose the family where one want to be born in to..
TO SOUL?(),
Do you know whats cruel? Its being abused and attacked at a tender age where he/she should be playing with toys and reciting rhymes…
Asuming you are in sound body and mind its just not fair on your part to attack Sarah.You seem to be a sick person with terrible guilt.
Its not a story abour illicit sexual relations as YOU see rather her TRUE experience in life.
People like you point fingers at others for your own amusement rather than stand up brave help and listen for the silent cries…for you are deaf by option.
Have you ever ever thought about the millions of children abused every second,and ill-treated?
What would you do if a child (may be your own) says she is being abused and save her from people who is supposed to protect her?
What would you do? won’t you ask her the details,what that person did to her?won’t you hug her and say its ok I am here for you or rather prefer to walk away and pretend nothing ever happened?
Can you point at yourself and say oh,great!Nothings bad gonna happen to me.Well,u r dumb if you think.
In Sarah’s case,none of this happened if one person stood by her…We never knew how relations can be abusive untill we read her blog.Since then I keep looking out for kids like sarah…Do you know how my heart sinks when I see missing kids poster stuck on a pavement or a grocery door or read about kids abused by their own uncles and cousins.
Do you ever care about such kids?.
Sarah is handful of the bloggers who were trapped and suffered.
Really SOUL()how many such abused kids grow up and face their nightmares and bruises that will never go away given an opportunity to write their journal.
Sarah wants to be healed.At the least we should give her an ear to pour out all the pain that she’s holding for so long…Thats one thing she missed.
Its because of courageous people like Sarah who pour from their heart the naked truth about people and relationships, we as readers of her blog give her the support and also weep silently for millions of Sarah’s who are abused,opressed by their own realtions eveyday on this planet.
Whom do u think you are? A crtic or some evil person talking about the cultural impact?
You think Sarah is having a great cultural impact on the entire nations because of her blog?
Do u give really a damn about people? Their lives?
Sure YOU are EVIL.
Its better shallow minded people like you take your self-opinion some where else.
It has no value here.Before you go remember what goes around comes around.Shame on you!
Oh Sarah, Sarah, Sarah!
I don’t disagree that this world of ours do not have any problems in standards.
Agreeably, the world we live today have dirty standards of the like as you described.
As far as I know in the east and the west.
Eastern standards most of the time look for a woman always to be perfect in her sexual relationship and a virgin before marriage and yet upon the man no such standard is imposed.
Very unfortunate is it not?
But my case and point here is not the way you are directing this discussion.
What I am saying is that; what I read in that email is a recommendation to you, that it is not healthy to make such explicit descriptions of illicit relationships for the families’ future or reputation.
I think that matters of this kind happen worldwide.
It is not unique to India.
While it is absolutely necessary for us to seek some form of consul, venting it to the public with no form anonymity for you or others involved is like opening a wound that is not pretty to look at. We do take care of our wounds with appropriate treatment and we cover them and find means to heal them.
Expression of the word ‘covering’ does not mean shutting up and keeping quite the way you have chosen to understand here.
Covering means you handle it more privately.
What good is it for a women to go to the way side and say “Listen people, my mother has an illicit relationship or to say I have been raped?”
Who profits from it?
Your actions have impacts. Just like your mom and dad’s actions had and continue to have an impact on you, even now.
Enough said! From my side on this subject!
Now, about your blog in general.
I do enjoy reading most of them!
oh soul,soul,soul
YOU have beeen a bad boy!
Did your mom say that to you when growing up?remember,think hard.
I really am awe at your personlity
for your stupid opinions about women better hold them to your mother or your wife!
Only your family can say what an emty SOUL you have.
Your opinions as I said do not reflect anything other than your murkey empty head!
People like you are hypocrites….in general I ENJOY reading your blog!
Just keep your mouth shut AND your low grade views,PLEASE.
Soul
You wrote “Your actions have impacts”
For once, I am even more determined to blog..and I want to tell you honestly, I don’t give a damn about the impacts you are so sure of going to affect me..
My life can’t get any worst.. and even if it did..like a phoenix I would fly..out of the ashes.. because I am a woman..who has gone through the fire and still survived.
So keep your fear tactics to yourself..
@Soul
You miss a point here..For one matter Sarah is not writing a bollywood Masala story for us to enjoy reading it…because this is something that she went through in real…For that matter I cant imagine myself in her position and going through all that she has gone through..And if someone is hurt by what she writes it isn’t worthy of comparison of the turmoils she has gone through..Admire her for the fact that she didn’t end up in a place where she would have been weeping and feeling pity for herself..Admire her for taking adversity head on.. And what are we trying to prove here by just hiding wounds…that all is perfect and the world is such a rosy place…And don’t presume that she is particularly enjoying writing all these. Put yourself in her position and think would you have kept mum for the sake of the greater good like you say. It is nice to give advices about cultural impacts when we ourselves are not in the hellhole. No one is here to prove anything…who is right and who is wrong. It is a story which would have never been heard of unless for this blog…It is a eye opener for many of us to learn how mean people can be…. And how lucky you and me are….
Hello Mathew;
I don’t believe anyone with a proper mindset and genuine concern for his/her fellowmen really CAN read this as a Bollywood Masala.
This is real.
It has affected many souls.
It has hurt many lives.
It has touched many families.
There are many thousands if not millions who probably have lived it.
Those deserve our empathy, help, touch of respect and all that.
The Indian and Eastern culture has a problem that need really fixing; socially and culturally.
How many in the oriental and even more in Middle East and Muslim countries culture come forward to marry a girl who has been known raped?
Or of single parent birth?
Or other such family issues as narrated by Sarah?
Once tagged, you are tagged for life or even to the life of the next generation.
How despicable!
How horrible!
Does that mean Mathew, that when they tell their story to the PUBLIC, no matter how touching, sad and even well narrated (as in this case), not try to protect the innocent?
When you analyze the original email to Sarah that is all you are seeing.
The story should be told.
The wounds must be healed.
Hearts and souls of the victims must be consoled.
Societies outlook for the such should changed.
The innocent must be protected.
Above all, the victim must be respected.
That is where it really hurts. The looks, the sarcasms, the better than though attitude of the society, and the imposed shame and guilt they carry!
Mathew, I hope I made it very clear for you and hopefully for others.
[Thank you for your response to me].
To ALL,
This is Sarah’s blog.HER personal space.Its not ok to dictate the terms on what she writes.
I wouldnt be surprised if this mail was from someone who had some part in your life. I think this mail is more out of shame for something the emailer did than out of concern for anyone.
Exactly how is this supposed to affect anyone more than the effect of these incidents itself. What plunge into the unknown is she talking about? What has happened has happened, you cant undo the past.
I know for a fact those who are against speaking out against any form or discrimination or harrassment are often perpetrators of the same.
So the emailer should go get some help to clear her act than sending anonymous emails.