FAMILY stands for Father and Mother I love You isn’t it? and I was hoping that my father and mother would die.
What am I going to do? How am I going to protect my sisters and take care of them? I needed to protect my baby sisters. I didn’t want my parents destroy their life like the way they destroyed Maria’s. But what can I do? How was I going to raise 2 sisters on my own, when I am just a second year medical student?
My mind was screaming, ‘Somebody please help me’.
Who among the crowd called relatives would come to my aid? My immediate group of relatives consisted of Chengannur Ammachi, Penang Ammachi, Kochumol aunty,Tante Ida and Dr. Jacob Cheriyan. What do I tell them? Tell him about Appa and Amma? Appa and his mistress? Amma and George? Maria and George?
The truth was I couldn’t tell anyone anything about my family. It was too shameful to be shared and we, Liza, Sally and I carried the shame silently.
I remembered the cries of Ancient Mariner
Water, water, every where
,And all the boards did shrink ;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.

There was no one to hear my silent screams of despair. There was no one to step in and help me hold my family together.
May be I should just walk away from all there. But then I remembered the Ancient Mariner carrying the dead Albatross around his neck. I knew I too will be carrying the guilt of walking away from my family around my neck for the rest of my life.

Amma had made wheat flour dosai for breakfast. I took the dosai in a plate and sat on my bed to eat. While I was eating, I noticed Liza had changed her cloths and was getting ready to go out.
“Where are you going Liza?” I asked her
“Where ever I want to. Who are you ask me?”
“I am your sister Liza” I replied
“Sister, my foot” She spat on the floor and walked out of the door. Amma was standing near the kitchen entrance and she looked at me and then ran after Liza
Amma stood near the top of the stairs and called after her
“money, where are you going?”
“Fuck off” I heard her yelling and then I heard her opening and slamming the gate shut.
All our neighbours must have heard her cussing and the way she slammed the gate.
I was so mad at her. I wanted to give her a piece of my mind. But I couldn’t. Because I knew Liza wasn’t bothered about what neighbours thought about us. I didn’t want to humiliate Amma by fighting with my sister outside the house. I hoped the landlord didn’t hear anything. The last thing I wanted was to be evicted.
Amma was leaning against the door and was staring at me. For a second I thought she was going to curse me and accuse me for starting the fight. Then I saw the tears running down Amma’s cheeks and I got up to wipe them. She pushed my hands away and went back to her room.

There were so many times I wished my mother would suffer for the way she treated me. But I never wanted her to suffer like this, not at the hands of my sisters. Even in my hatred, I never wished for my sisters to treat Amma like this, because good or bad or terrible, a mother is always a mother and the least a child could do was not to hurt her mother.

First there were 6 of us, then it became 5 when Appa left us. But it wasn’t so bad,because we sisters still had each other and we had Amma. Then it became 4 when Maria left us and although her association with George was hurting, I consoled myslef that I still had Liza and Sally.

But Did I?

The ice was here, the ice was there,
The ice was all around :
It cracked and growled, and roared and howled,
Like noises in a swound
Unlike the ancient Mariner, I had no Albatross to steer me towards calm waters. I had no one to help me keep my family together.
I watched silently as the vase that once was a beautiful family now getting reduced to shards. Shards with sharp edges that only served the purpose of inflicting more pain.