You needed me

More than anger I felt hatred, absolute hatred towards my mother. She has lived in a hostel most of her life and more than anyone she knew how difficult hostel life is. Yet when she moved to the same town where I live, she didn’t even let me know. Why? Why couldn’t she call me and tell me that she is staying in Bangalore? What have I done to her? What did I do so wrong for her to treat me this way? I had to know.
I checked the time.12.15pm. I had Forensic medicine class in the afternoon. I might get in to trouble if Mr. Filthy came to know that I skipped the class. But I wanted to know where Amma was staying. I wanted to go home. I wanted to get out of the hostel. I wanted to eat some good food.
I folded my lab coat and when no one was looking, I took an auto.
“Where to?” driver asked
“Koramangala” I replied
I thought about my oldest sister. I was angry with her. Even she could have just called me and let me know. How could she treat me so badly? What have I done to her. I wanted to ask her that. I wanted to yell at her at the top of my voice and tell her she is the lousiest sister on planet earth.
‘What if any of your sister’s colleagues hear you? Won’t it look bad on your sister?’ Sensible one asked
“Who cares? I don’t give a damn. If she couldn’t treat me well, I am not obligated to treat her well. I don’t have to. I really don’t have to!’ I thought.
‘What if your sister says she doesn’t want to stay in your mother’s house because you always fight with her?’ Sensible one asked
I realized there is some truth in it. If Amma moved to Bangalore, then that means Maria can stay with us. She doesn’t have to live separately. She can be out of George’s influence.
It is better that I don’t fight with Maria. I figured.
When the auto reached near her office, I paid the money and got off. As I walked in to her office reception, I started to feel excited. I knew everything is going to be alright. We will all be together. Amma, Maria, Liza, Sally and I together as a family. I knew I will have to work hard to get Appa back. But it can be done. I was sure of that.
One step at a time Nina. Step by step.
I knew in my heart and everything is going to be alright. I waited so long, so very long for this moment.
And for a brief moment, I thought, may be, just may be there was a God who cared!
“Yes” The receptionist was staring at me. This was not the same girl I spoke to the last time I was here.
“I would like to see Maria. Would you please call her and let her know that she has a visitor”
“Sure.”
I watched her picking up the phone and telling Maria that she has a visitor.
” Are you her sister?”
“Yes I am. How did you know?”
“You look so alike”
“Really?”
She nodded her head.
Wow I thought. That was something nice. Maria’s biggest hatred towards me was because I was fairer than her. May be if I begin to look like her, she may not hate me as much!
I saw Maria walking down the steps. Gosh she looked more thinner than the last time I saw her. Why hasn’t Amma given her anything for her to eat? But then again I knew my mother. I knew Amma wouldn’t have made anything. She would have given her usual kanji and payaru thoran.(porridge with green gram). No wonder Maria looks so malnourished.
Never mind, I will cook the food. I can cook in the week ends and keep the food in the fridge. In that way there will always be food for my sisters. They don’t have to depend on Amma to cook the food.
“Oh, it is you” Maria sounded so disappointed
She held my elbow and guided me away from the reception.
“What do you want?” She asked as soon as we were out of the office entrance. She sounded so angry.
She couldn’t even say a hi? I wondered
“Hi Chechy” Even if she couldn’t, it doesn’t mean that I can’t greet her. Right?
“Why are you here? Do you want money?”
Why does my family think that the only reason I contact them would be to ask for money? First it was Appa, now it is Maria. I got so mad.
“Where does Amma live?”
“How did you know?”
I wanted to tell her that is none of her business. But I didn’t want to jinx anything.
“One of my classmates met Liza at Koshy’s and she told him”
“Which classmate. How does he know Liza?”
What is this? Police Interrogation? When did Maria learn to talk like this? I wasn’t going to use Arjun’s name.I didn’t want him killed
“David”
“David? Where is he from?”
“Mangalore I think. He knows Liza because she stayed with me when she broke her arm”
“What was Liza doing at Koshy’s?”
“I have no idea, you have to ask her that”
My blood was boiling. Who is Maria to ask questions like this?
“Where does Amma stay?” I asked again.
“She lives in Austin town, you need to tell the auto driver it is the first right immediately after the temple and then the first left and it is the 4th house on the right. Amma stays on the first floor”
“Where is Austin town?”
“You tell the Auto driver, He will know”
Why can’t my stupid sister tell me where exactly is Austin town? How was I supposed to just trust the auto driver and find a new place. I thought of telling her that I am afraid to go to a new place.
“Can you tell me some land marks near to it?”
“There are some shops”
“What kind of shops”
“Nina, I don’t have time to spoon feed you. You got to find your own way.”
I had the irresistible urge to push her down the steps. I clenched my fist to control my temper.
“What is the exact address?” I asked
“I just told you didn’t I”
“No you didn’t. You told me the first right after the temple, then the first left and the fourth house on the right”
“That is more than enough”
“Maria what is the house number?”
“72”
I saw an Auto approaching and I showed my hand. I didn’t even bother to say good bye to my sister.
“Where to?” Driver asked
“Austin town” I replied
“Wait” I heard Maria calling
“What is it Maria?” I asked her
She was walking towards the auto.
“What is your name?” Maria asked the driver
“Srinivas” He was looking at Maria and at me.
“Nina, do you have a pen?” She asked me
I took my pen from my lab coat and gave it to Maria.
I watched Maria walking to the front of the Auto and writing down the vehicle registration number on her palm
I was so sick of my sicko sister.
“Go” I yelled to the driver and he started the auto.
“Nina, your pen” I heard Maria shouting
“Keep it” I knew I won’t die it I lost my pen, but I might go to jail for murder if I spend another minute with my sister. I was absolutely sure of that.
“Who was that? Your akka(sister)?”
“Nah.She isn’t my sister. She works there!”
Auto driver circled his head with his index finger and asked “mad ah?”
“Hmm” I nodded my head.
“Where do you want to go in Austin town?”
“There is a temple there right? You need to take a right after the temple”
“Madam, there are two temples there, which one?”
Panic is knowing that, you have no idea where you are going and your stupid sister only gives information in controlled doses. I hated Maria for treating me like this.
“I have no idea. I only know the house number”
“What about the street number?”
“I don’t know”
I knew it is dangerous to tell a stranger that you don’t know the place. The driver can take me to some God forsaken place and rape me and kill me.
But what was I going to do? I really wanted to see my mother. There was no point going back to Maria’s office and ask her. She won’t tell. She gets some sadistic satisfaction, seeing me suffer. I wasn’t going to give her that satisfaction. If this driver was going to kill me, so be it.
“Who stays there?” Driver asked
I was just about to say my mother. But I knew I would sound so dumb. How can anyone not know where her mother stays?
“My aunty”
“Oh ok. madam we will be reaching the first temple soon. Do you want to get down there and ask around?”
I couldn’t. If I get lost, I don’t know how to go back. I was beginning to feel scared. I trusted the auto driver more than my ability to find my way back.
“No, you take the first right turn and then the first left. We will see if there is house with number 72”
“ok”
I saw the temple on the right side of the road. There was a huge peepal tree with roots hanging in the air right behind the temple. On the left side of the road there was a bank, bakery and a telephone booth.
Nice place, I thought.
I watched the auto driver taking a right turn. As soon as he took the turn, I could smell the stench of cow dung. I looked around. I couldn’t find any cows. Must be the smell from the thrash bin.
The driver took the first left turn and from there itself I could see Amma’s saree and night gown hanging on the balcony railing.
Relief is knowing that you are not lost!
“Stop” I almost screamed
“You found the house? Where is house number 72” Driver was looking around.
“That one” I pointed the house to him. I paid the money and got out.
It was an old house with, walls painted yellow. There was something written in Arabic underneath the house number on the front wall. Muslim house? I wondered.
I noticed a small gate by the side of the house and steps leading to the 1st floor. The steps were so narrow and steep. I walked up the steps, feeling so excited. The door was left opened and I could hear someone cooking something in the kitchen.
The living room had mosaic floor, there was my foam mattress bed* on the left side, few folding chairs on the right, a small metal table on the far end of the room.
“Amma” I called out. I heard thud sound of something falling down followed by a very serious
“Who is it?” I could hear footsteps and soon Amma came out from what I assumed must be the kitchen
“You scared me” She yelled
“Hello Amma” I wished her
“How did you find the house?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
“That you moved to Bangalore?”
“have you come here to fight with me? If so you can leave now”
“I didn’t come to fight Amma, I just asked you why you didn’t tell me that you have moved to Bangalore?”
ninnodu paranjittu ippo enna nedan aa?” (what do I gain by telling you?)
“You don’t gain anything Amma, but there is nothing wrong in letting me know”
“Why are you here now? Don’t you have classes?”
I ignored her. I started to explore the house. There was a door on the left. I had to walk past the foam mattress bed and I entered the room. Appa’s bed was in the room.
“Whose room is this?” I asked
“Liza’s”
I checked the kitchen. It was very small with a platform to keep the gas stove an a small sink on the left side of the platform. I noticed that Amma was making egg curry.
I looked around. Across the kitchen on the other side of the living room was another door and I entered the room. There were two beds in that room.
“Whose sleeps here?”
“Sally and I”
“oh”
There was one more door by the right side and I knew it had to be my room. I might have to share it with Maria. Never mind. Any way I only come home during the week end. I opened the door and walked in happily. There was a pink colour wash basin on the left and a potty on the right.
I walked out and closed the door quickly. Did I miss any rooms? Amma was looking at me.
“Where do I sleep?”
“Oh, you can sleep on that” Amma pointed the foam mattress bed.
“Why have you given a room for Liza and Sally and not me Amma?”
“You are staying in the hostel right? So why do you need your own room here?”
I didn’t reply. I felt so disappointed. Every child dreams of a room of her own and I wasn’t any different. Amma gave an entire room for Liza and gave me, Liza’s older sister a bed in the living room. I was worthy of only that.
“Where is Liza and Sally”
“They went to Nilgiris to buy grocery”
“Ok”
“They will be coming back shortly. I have to make lunch for them” She just turned back and went in to the kitchen. I followed her
“I only cooked two eggs, do you want something to eat?” She lifted the pot cover and showed me.
I knew why she said that. She was indirectly telling me that she cooked the eggs for my sisters and she doesn’t have the time or patience to boil another egg for me.
“It is ok. I have to go back”
I checked my watch. Too late to eat lunch at the hostel mess. Never mind. I will eat egg bhaji from the canteen.
I didn’t even bother to say good bye, I walked out. As I walked out, I noticed few of Appa’s tapes in the wall shelf near the living room table. I opened the glass door to check the tapes. Few Beatles tapes and then I saw Anne Murray. I haven’t listened to her tape for a long time
“Amma I am taking this” I showed the tape to Amma
“It is Liza’s, you need to ask her”
“It is Appa’s” I replied
“Well, Liza is using it now”
“Well, I can use it too”
“Why do you want to create unnecessary fights? Just because you are older to her doesn’t mean that you can take everything that is hers”
I took the tape and walked out. To hell with Amma and her stupid reasons. It is ok for Liza to listen to Appa’s tapes, but it isn’t ok for me.

As I sat in the auto, I realized I didn’t notice any of Maria’s stuff in the house. Why didn’t Amma ask Maria to move in and stay in her house? I didn’t know the answer.

As soon as I reached my room, I switched on my music system and played the tape.
First song was “you needed me
I tore a sheet of paper from my record book and wrote the lyrics down.

I cried a tear
You wiped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind
I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me.
You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again
You put me high
upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me
And I can’t believe it’s you
I can’t believe it’s true
I needed you and you were there
And I’ll never leave, why should I leave I’d be a fool
‘Cause I’ve finally found someone who really cares
You held my hand
When it was cold
When I was lost
You took me home
You gave me hope
When I was at the end
And turned my lies
Back into truth again
You even called me friend
I didn’t even bother to place the letter in an envelope. If anyone saw it and told Arjun. so be it. If everyone in the college knew that I was in love with beautiful eyes, so be it.
He was my salvation, the only one who could get me out of my home. The only one who would help me stand on my own. The only one who understood me.

I was tired of games. Tired of all the games. I wanted the world to know the truth.
I walked in to the canteen. Arjun was standing near the entrance talking to Rupesh
“hey Nina, Where were you? Mr.Filthy was looking for you. I told him you were sick. You need to bring a medical certificate. Don’t worry, I have few Dr Jeevan’s letterheads in my room. I will get you one. You can fill in the details. It already has the chop from the hospital. You just have to tell me what diagnosis you wrote and I will let Dr. Jeevan know, you know just in case MR. Filthy cross check your med cert!”
I looked at Arjun. I couldn’t even think straight. Then I remembered the letter in my hand. I tried to hide the paper behind me
“What is that?” Arjun noticed the paper in my hand and before I could do anything, he snatched it from my hand and started to read it
“Oh Nina, it is so beautiful. Where did you get this? Did you write this? Don’t tell me You skipped the class to write this for me?”
No I didn’t. It isn’t for you. I wanted to tell him that. But my voice.. it never came out.

*Amma made one big bed using 5 foam mattress together, stacking them one on top of the other and wrapping the whole thing with gunny sack.

7 thoughts on “You needed me

  1. It is sad to read how dysfunctional your family is. Usually sisters are supposed to be very close, but in your case it seems to be the opposite. I feel sad that you had to undergo so many problems at such a young age. Hope god has given you enough strength to carry on with your life now.

    God bless

  2. I have been reading your blog for sometime time and have been able to empathise with you most of the time but sometimes your post feels like you are as dysfunctional as the rest of rest of your family. Sometimes, inspite of being a doctor, your thoughts and behaviour are selffish and self centered. You know, Maria is trapped in a hell much beyond imagination,and is not able to escape it. She is being manipulated by a psychopath and she is totally helpless but you act as if you are the victim. For God’s sake you are capable and blessed with the capacity to fight back and survive and to escape from his clutches. Maria being an elder child will always try to please those around her, she will try to be nice to her elders even when she is trapped and abused by them. You may be able to do little for her but at least do not make yourself out to be the victim here. Maria writing down the auto number was psycho but it also shows she ared in her own stupid way.
    Also please don’t write a post in reply to this trying to justify your last post. Show compassion and start thanking God for making you strong enough and smart enough to protect yourself.

  3. Chickoo: Thank you

    Di: That song was one of my father’s fav

    Varghese:
    I have mentioned umpteen number of times that this is my story and I write for me.. to unburden..
    Whether you feel sorry or happy won’t change my story and your feelings will not change my life.

    Me being a doctor and my sister being an engineer should be the work of same God.
    So why is it that only I ought to be grateful for my ? abilities..
    Shouldn’t she be too??
    Oh I forgot.. she is the oldest..so she gets the immunity!

    I don’t have to show compassion to a sister who couldn’t give me the proper address, who couldn’t even let me know that our mother is staying in Bangalore and still try to create more trouble for me by writing down auto registration number..
    That wasn’t showing concern..
    That was an act of power, not concern!

    Lastly just in case you haven’t noticed, this is my blog and I have the liberty to write what I want to write..
    If I want the next post to be a reply to this comment., it would be..That is my prerogative.

  4. Varghese – Have no idea what you understood about Nina if you actually read her whole blog from the very begining…….
    Nina well said in your reply and thank you for the birthday wishes!

  5. hmm.. but ur mom loved maria a lot right.. should u be happy that u atleast have a place in ur house.. ?? I am not sure what to say..

  6. mjey: you are welcome

    Art: I don’t think there was a place for me.That bed was kept there as as a couch.. and when I aske my mother said in jest that I can sleep there

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