A year that would be

Usually at this time of the year, I do a post on the year that was..

But today, I thought I would do the year that would be.. I contemplated a lot writing this post and perhaps writing this would take some of the pain away.

End of Jan, my partner will go back to Spain. His project here in Brissie is over along with his visa. I could make it possible for him to stay on if we marry. But that is one step I am not willing to take. I have no intention of ever getting married. We have one last holiday together in the second week of Jan. We are not breaking up, that being said, I don’t do long distance relationship and there is no way I can go to Spain in the next four years. I hate to do the whole goodbye scene and so I am going to do the one thing I am really good at. I am going to run away when we get back after our last holiday together. He doesn’t think I would do it, I don’t think I could do it either, but I don’t see any other options.

I told the old lady that tomorrow can only be dealt with tomorrow and I wasn’t lying when I told her that. Everyday that I spent with him, I knew there would be a day, I will have to say goodbye. Goodbye was to happen in the tomorrow.. and I thought I will deal with it when it happens..Initially that tomorrow was distant and I conveniently ignored the narrowing of the chasm between my happiness and devastation..

So these are things I would miss the most.

Greasy fries.. He is the only one who figured out my need for greasy fries when I am sad. (Whenever I am sad, I make myself a giant serve of greasy fries and I have been doing this since 1994 and it never occurred to me that I use fries as an emotional companion) I don’t really know how he figured it out. But every time I was upset, he took me to Maccas and bought me fries and cappuccino with extra chocolate.

Songs.. He knows every single one of my fav songs and play them when we are driving long distance. He also knows the lyrics and will sing them according to the situation, which always made me laugh.

Laughter.. He would do silly things to make me laugh..I remember driving to Gold Coast and I was in a really crabby mood. He would ask me a random question and when I answered reluctantly for the sake of politeness , he would then ask me ” so, how does that make you feel?” That question had absolutely no connection to the answer I gave.. 15 mints to the journey, I was laughing so much that I even forgot why I was crabby in the first place.

Walks.. he knew how much I love long walks and would make it a point to take me for long walks at least once a week. He also knew my love for wildlife and would take me to places where we could spot wildlife.

History.. When I read novels, If I find historical events, I never had to google to find out more. I just had to ask him. My historical knowledge is good, his is better. He is the only person I have ever met who knew the historical dates..

OCD… I have a lot of OCD’s and so does he. It meant a lot that I didn’t have to hang his towel properly because he has the same obsession and would do it himself. (edges have to be straight and must meet) I think the only thing he ever struggled was eating mallu food. He could handle Appam with maple syrup. But not Appam and stew. Sweetness of the appam along with pungence of curry was  not ok for his OCD.

Scrabble. However tired he was, if I wanted to play scrabble, he stayed awake. He didn’t mind that I won most of the time either or that I was a sore loser when he won.

Chocolates. Apart from him, the only other person I know who is addicted to chocolate is my youngest. I will miss buying chocolate for him every time I went to buy groceries. I will miss baking brownies for him.

Movies. Mondays were our movie nights.. and I don’t really know how I will cope each Monday that is waiting for me.. actually I don’t know how I will cope any of the days after he leaves….

Now that this is out of my chest..from today till I get back from our holidays, I am going to pretend that all is well like I have been doing the past few weeks..


11 thoughts on “A year that would be

  1. Oh Sarah…. to find the rarest of love and then to let go…..please make him stay…otherwise u might regret…..Oh how I wish I had that kind of lover.My husband the one who loves me has been in love with another woman for 15 yrs . more than our marriage ..still is…. and i was thinking what is it that is missing.. few months ago came to know.
    What u have is god’s gift dear, please dont let it go. who knows of next birth.U are my inspiration in all difficult times and i cant see you heartbroken,and i know what is heartbreaking is.

  2. You are practical always Sarah. Life has taught you many things.You had a nice holidays. You enjoyed. Why fret about the unborn tomorow if today is sweet. But it will haunt you for some time.

  3. I really don’t know what to say, but hugs to you. It really does hurt when someone near and dear to you leaves, however I do hope you both still keep in touch once in a while. Def know the feeling.

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