If I could use a word to describe me, apart from the usual words like stubborn, determined, pain in the posterior etc, it would be ‘fiercely independent’, I wasn’t always independent, I was your typical country mouse. I didn’t even know to comb my own hair. Amma used to do that everyday and that particular day she wasn’t home and I had to get ready for Sunday school. There was no way I could miss the Sunday school because I was competing with kaithamukkiley kazhutha ( that was his nick name) for the ‘best attendance’ record to win the first prize ( 30 Rs gift voucher to spend at Ladies Corner shop) Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to comb and tie my hair. Before leaving home, Amma had told my sister to help me comb and tie my hair, but she felt I was old enough to do the deed and refused. I couldn’t bear the thought of kathamukkiley kazhutha winning the price, and with tears streaming down my cheeks mostly because I was betrayed by my own sister, I walked to Aunty Reena’s house with my comb and got her to help me. I was 12 years old. ( Aunty Reena obviously wasn’t my mother and didn’t know that my hair is silky smooth and unless you tie it very tightly, gravity will work on the hair tie !! which it did, but fortunately I was already at the church when it happened and I did a Justin Bieber style flick and survived the disaster)
I have often wondered why my mother never told me to comb my own hair? Of course, I was deaf and dumb and blind and useless.. But still, at 12 years of age, I should at least know to comb my own hair. No?
I did learn to comb my own hair after that day and it was the beginning of learning to be independent.
Over the years I learned that I could never depend on my family and I felt if my family won’t help me, then why should my friends help me? I know it sounds really silly, but I find it very difficult to ask for help. I do everything that needs to be done. But sometimes, it is not easy..
Yesterday, Yaya had to attend a school program in CBD ( central Business district)that finished at 9.30 PM. I live 35 minutes drive from the CBD. I can’t leave the younger two at home and go and get Yaya. Both are tired after their basketball match and 9.30 pm is already beyond their bedtime, not including the time it takes to get back home.. At times like this, I do wish if only I had someone to help me. but I don’t have anyone.
At about 7 pm, a friend whose daughter also was attending the same program called to say that she will pick both the girls and drop mine home. She knows I am alone and decided to step in even if it meant that she will end up driving an extra 30 minutes back and forth. Although she offered to drop my daughter home, I felt it isn’t right to make her drive all the way to my house and instead drove to her house and got Yaya saving her the drive to my house. When I gave birth to my son, my sister younger to me lived 10 minutes drive from my home, not once she came home to see me or the baby or called to ask if I need any help..
Sometimes, family will fail you over and over, but then you meet strangers who go the extra mile for you..
Family has to bear it for ever, not the strangers for whom it comes only once in a while.
bipin: that is why we have family..to be there forever
Have you ever tried to go to the reasons of this. Have you been there for them, irrespective of the differences/betrayals, and stepped up to the occassion? Sometimes it takes a self-less first step to do this. Sometimes we do things for family, not expecting any thing in return. Did you call or went to visit the baby and mom, who was born recently, even thougth things are bad. I am sure, someone sent that picture of the baby that you got, and felt no connection with. I understand your mom part, but it doesnot have to continue with your siblings. You all are educated and live in modern world, and know that nothing else feels as good as your family beign around.
Again, this is just my view, and I understand that I have not gone throught the things that you went thorugh, and mine could be totally an ignorant person’s view.
However in my case, I would stand with my siblings, even if they did the most betraying thing with me, and sometimes they do. It is never about the stuff, what they do/did, or what I got in the competetion while growing up.
Joan: I supported my mother and my sisters when they needed me. My mother would call from India and say ” I have my cataract surgery next month and I need this much money, or could you get a visa for your sister etc” I had only returned from England and started to work and Malaysia isn’t like the middle east where your income is tax free.The sister who never came to see me when I gave birth was in Malaysia at that time because I paid for the ticket, the visa and every other expense associated with bringing someone in to a country. She didn’t come because she knew it would involve in her helping me with housework etc.. She came to see me 4 months later as if the preceeding 4 months didn’t really exist and life should go on as it was before I gave birth. This particular pregnancy was difficult because I had anaphylactic shock and almost died, I was admitted to the hospital twice and my partner was away when I went in to labour ( 3 weeks early). My own mother who had a one year ticket that allowed to stay until December, chose to go back home 6 weeks after arriving, when I was discharged from the hospital after the anaphylactic shock end of January. She actually had her bag packed and was ready when I arrived home from the hospital. When my aunts scolded her for leaving me alone, my mother called and said she would love to come and help. I didn’t own a money printing machine then.
Nurses at the hospital took care of Yaya while I was in the hospital.I took a taxi and came home with Yaya and the new baby after I was discharged from the hospital.How could I call any of my friends and ask for a lift home when everyone knew my sister was in town? What excuse could I give? I couldn’t bear the thought of people ridiculing my family then..Image was everything.. Those days after giving birth, alone and coping with a baby and a toddler, with a sister 10 minutes away from you and not bothering to even call or come and see you.. Yes it hurt a lot. It wasn’t unreasonable to expect some sort of help from your family. I still remember the tears I shed while trying to squat on the floor with the stitches and bath my new born son. ( I am sure with education and modern living you will be able to forgive and forget such acts from your family. But I can’t)
I didn’t meet or talk to the sister who had a baby recently, because I walked away from my family three years ago after taking years of abuse. I can’t cope with a sister who wants to buy sexy lingerie for a 11 year old to sleep with her boyfriend, or a mother who continues to bully me. I haven’t felt any connection to the new born baby because neither my mother nor my sisters exist in my life. Growing up in a dysfunctional family has its own disadvantage. Education doesn’t erase painful memories or help you get over things.