They say, If wishes were horses beggars would ride. I am not really in to wishes. If I want something I work to get it. If I can’t get what I want, then I move on..
That being said,this post is a wish.. this is something I wanted to tell someone and didn’t, because I knew I wouldn’t have been able to get my message across.
An ex classmate of my son is under psychiatrist care. The journey from a happy child to someone who doesn’t want to live didn’t happen overnight. It was progressive and much as I hate to say this, his mother is the main culprit.
His mother came to me and introduced herself 3 days after I registered my children in the school here. She had already heard about my son being placed in advanced maths program. ( clearly news travelled faster than the speed of light). She told me her son is ‘gifted’. For me finding another gifted child is something I consider a blessing. At least my son would have a friend who is like him, I thought. ( Yaya finds it much easier to talk to me as both of us are very similar, whereas my son finds it very hard to accept that I really don’t find maths exciting!) I invited them over for tea.
The entire conversation when the mother came over for tea revolved around how smart her son is. He knew all the capitals of all the countries before he was 2, knew to count up to whatever number before he was 3 etc etc. She wanted to know my son’s achievements age for age.
I didn’t teach my son to count or the capitals etc when he was 2. I was expecting his sister then and we were busy building twin towers with lego building blocks. My main job around that time was to collect my shoes, his shoes, his drinking bottle etc from the neighbour’s house each evening when they returned from work. My son loved tossing stuff over the fence. We also had two chooks, Henny Penny and Cocky Locky and he and yaya chased them around the house. We baked cookies, read a million stories and when it rained, they played in the rain. But I didn’t teach them to count or the alphabets or anything like that.
Digressing a bit here, Perhaps the one thing that I think I did differently was to ask Yaya when she was about a year and half “What do you see?” I was printing colouring sheets for her and one had a red apple and I asked her “What do you see?” She replied “apple” and I told her “No, it is a picture of a red apple with a single green leaf”. I was reading an architectural book about Oscar Neimeyer ( famous Brazillian Architect) at that time and he had said, don’t do what I do, see what I see” and I felt, I should show my children what I see..because when I saw the picture of the apple, I saw a red apple with a single green leaf, both halves of the apple was symmetrical, something you will never find in real apples, I also noticed that the red colour was full, where as you will never find a pure red apples in real life.. I know I sound silly, but this is how my brain works.. Yaya and I used to play “what do you see” after that. Something I didn’t do with her brother and sister because both weren’t interested.
Then she wanted to know what books I am using to teach my children. I told her, I don’t teach my children anything and the only thing I ever did was to send them for a few months to Kumon. I explained to her that my kids were attending an inner city school in Canada and were going to skip almost a year when they moved here and I was concerned that they might find the transition difficult. Apart from the extension program the school provided, kumon was the only other program my children did.
The next week her son started going to Kumon.
Every exam, she would ask my son about his marks. ( something that really bothered my son) She became this shadow that followed my son all the time. But that wasn’t the main issue..What she was trying to do was to create her son to be like my son. Everything my son did, so did her son. She pushed and pushed her son. She was relentless. But her son was struggling at school. He begged my son “please don’t tell my mom that you got A when she asks”. The mother even went to the school district to complain about the teacher who gave the students a surprise test without prior notice. ( the very same test my son got his first B)
I understood she didn’t believe me when I told her that I don’t teach my children at home, when another friend wanted my son to join the indoor soccer team and she told her that She is positive that I will not let my son join the team because I am forever teaching him at home and won’t allow my son any free time.
There is a big difference between gifted and non gifted children. Gifted children don’t need to be taught, they pick up things on their own. ( Yaya taught herself to read and write, whereas her sister learned to read and write at school)
Every parent want their child to be the winner, but to create an ordinary child in to a ‘gifted’ child is the biggest disservice you can do to that child.
I wish I could tell the mother, “your son is not gifted, he is smart, but not gifted”
I wish I could ask that mother, why would she opt for a photocopy when she has an original !
All that glitters ain’t gold!
Sam: You have a very good point, why indeed parents try to copy other people’s children?
I am reading a book on manipulative people and one of the stories is about the parent wanting the child to be acing.. The poor kid was apparently getting nightmares.
The mother seems to be a disturbed character, and the poor son has no clue what has hit him (it seems like)..on the front, the impression is that of a concerned mother, who wants her child to do well, but it seems like she thinks the child’s grade (and being gifted) is what makes her look good and gives her bragging rights. Hence the relentless push.. It is not about the kid, it is about the mother.
So sorry for the child. he will not get to explore and find himself.
MS: There seem to be this need to use children as an extension of parental ego..and it is really sad that children end up paying for the parent’s ego trips.
I would rather have happy kids with a normal childhood. One, where both parents love each other and live together. One, where the mother is NOT sexually abused by her own father. One, where the grandmother is not a nut case and last but not the least, one where the mother’s siblings don’t hate each other. Good luck with your so called “gifted” children. Get a life woman..
I am kind of shocked at the vitriole that is being spilled.
Phoenix: I have heard of hitting below the belt, but it would be often meant for someone who has done you some harm.. Why would a stranger feel intimidated by me?
That was the first thought that crossed my mind as well. For someone who doesn’t know you personally, he/she has a lot of hatred/poison in his/her mind.
Phoenix: Try as I could, I don’t understand the reason for the hatred.
hi
There is no solution for jealousy .
People tend to assume gifted people have an easy life .
What they dont know is the problems that come with “giftedness”
I consider myself “failed gifted”
I am a professional , but unfortunately in the wrong profession , my language skills are pathetic but my job involves communication skills all the time . I could have opted for something that involves maths /physics as i am not bad in either.But at the age of 35 , I dont feel it is a good idea to re train ..I wish I had proper guidance as a child and I strongly believe you are doing the right thing by giving ur children proper guidance .I hope I could do the same with my daughter as she is transforming to a class “clown” nowadays and I feel it is secondary to her not getting challenged enough ..
Also not many people aware of the emotional part of giftedness , the intellect that helps you to see though things, that makes u a good problem solver , that itself can help u see through people , all the fake personalities around -which can involve both family and friends and I think that is the reason for a gifted person’s conflict with the society. I dont have a big bunch of friends and in fact I can only say I have 3 people I call as “genuine friends ” , but I am sure they will be there for me thick and thin .
People who get irritated and annoyed with the tag “giftedeness ” should try to know more about it before making any assumptions .
Ceena: This particular person get very agitated if I mention the word gifted and leave nasty comments..the nastiness has been increasing progressively.. at first she blamed that I was pushing my kids, then it was their ?absent father..and now she summed it all up and blamed the whole village.. In one stroke, she painted all the women who are sexually abused, and have a very difficult family as useless and insists they should not have children and even if they do, the kids shouldn’t be intelligent and happy, for according to her happy kids are only found in two parent utopian homes where everything is perfect.
As for you..what stops you from doing something you really want? I am actually planning to go back to Uni next year, and am currently going through grade 11 and 12 science to refresh my memory.. Trust me it isn’t easy, but it isn’t that hard either.Sometimes, I sleep off while studying because I am so tired..what took me a day to learn now takes a month..and often I have to ask my son for explanation because I have forgotten most of the maths..But if you really want to do something, you really can. You just have to have faith in yourself.
I see emotional problems with my children day to day..Having a gifted tag helps them in that way because their teachers understand their need to be perfect and often when things aren’t perfect in their eyes, they do have a meltdown..and the teachers know how to handle it. The same applies for your daughter..don’t be shy to ask for help. She has a right to get the help she needs. She is most likely acting out in class because she is bored and you could talk to the teacher and see if they could do some sort of extention program. If that isn’t possible, you could do other things at home. My son loves opening old electronic items and see how things work and I used to collect old phones TV etc for him from my friends. Yaya loves music and enjoys her guitar lesson.
Ceena,
Follow your passion/heart. It’s worth it. 🙂
Hi Ceena,
That was beautifully expressed.
I’d like to, if I may, address the one thing that struck me the most, in your comment. At 35 you feel it’s too late to acquire a new skill set. It’s never too late, dear lady! Yes, marriage and kids are a huge responsibility and it’s not easy but the good news is that it’s not impossible either! If you’re passionate about it, you won’t feel the pressure! You will be doing something that you enjoy and a bonus is, your little one will be inspired too!
It’s never too late! All the best!
P.S. I’ve just earned a Masters degree and guess what? The big four-oh is just round the corner ! 🙂
Another thing Ceena (I’m on a roll here!) At the risk of incurring a barrage of protests, don’t limit yourself with labels; gifted not gifted, above average, below average etc etc….rubbish ! You have a talent, a passion, a desire…go for it! Your attitude more than your aptitude will determine your success ! 😉
Sam: well said.