When I was a child, each time my parents fought, I believed tomorrow, it will all be better.That all their fights are temporary..that they will learn to accept and love each other and we will be a family.
when chechy used to hurt me, be it her words or physically mauling me with her sharp talon like nails, I believed everything will be alright tomorrow. That one day she will get tired of hurting me and will accept me as her younger sister.
When my sisters used to call me names and say deaf and dumb and blind, I knew I couldn’t change the deaf and blind part but I could change the dumb part and I worked my ass off trying change the dumb part. The only english word I knew when I was in 8th std was the word ‘Why’ and I worked and worked. I had no one even to ask for help. I didn’t know any spelling so I couldn’t use the dictionary and those words I learned the spelling, I didn’t know how to pronounce them. I couldn’t figure out the phonetics and never understood how to use the phonetics in the dictionary. But I worked..really hard and learned English, did well in my studies and was the one of 19 students out of 183 students to have passed MBBS without ever repeating a subject.
Each time Amma talked about how good my sisters are.. I knew one day she will tell the same about me. I knew it will happen. I was sure. i wanted to hear one time from her that I was good.
Each time I was alone, I knew I won’t be alone tomorrow..for I knew, there is someone there to love me and I will find him tomorrow.
When my sisters were fooling around, I got married, had children and though I was dying inside, I stayed put..because I knew things would get better tomorrow.
Amma used to say always, God only gives you what you can cope with. In my case, he was a tad too liberal. But me being who I am, I took whatever came in my way,,because I was stupid enough to think that I still have my tomorrows.Let God or creator or whatever take my todays and play his cruel games..I have my tomorrows.
All I ever wanted was to be loved.
That is all I needed to wake up each morning.. to know that I have been loved and cherished.
I have never asked for anything but love. I just wanted to be loved, for someone to just love me and accept me.
I never wanted money, never wanted any of those materialistic stuff. My ex husband earns quarter of a million dollars a year and I have never owned a thing that is of any value. No diamonds, no nothing..Money never gave me happiness.
But i desperately wanted to be loved.
I gave all of myself because that is all I had to give.
All I ever got was hurt.
I was never good enough.
I wasn’t good enough for my mother
I wasn’t good enough for my father
I wasn’t good enough for my sisters
though I was a brilliant student, I had to fight my way through medical college because George has ensured that I wouldn’t be good enough in front of my professors.
I wasn’t good enough for my ex in laws
I wasn’t good enough for my ex husband
I wasn’t good enough for anyone
Yesterday I gave the sole custody of my children to their father.
I don’t have anything in me to keep going.
I have reached the end of the road.
Hey….I'm really hoping you read this and while I can't ever understand wht you are going through but trust me when I say you have so much to live for. All your life you have been living for other people, craving their love. It's time to give some of that love to the most important person in your life – YOU. It sounds so cliche and dumb I know, but believe me, you need and DESERVE to give yourself the respect, love and focus that you have forever given to everyone else.
Your children love you – they always will and no matter where they are in your life – THAT WILL NOT CHANGE.
PLEASE…don't give up.
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That is so sad. I can't imagine a Sarah without her children. And dont tell that no one loved you. You got 3 beautiful kids who loves you a lot. Isn't that wonderful? 🙂 And we are all there to give you support. Dont give up. You can do a million things now..Write a book…See new places..Learn something new. Its another new beginning in life..No matter where your kids are, you should still be there for them. So dont give up..Cheer up 🙂
After all what your ex-husband did, why on earth he wanted the custody of your children???? Will he let them live with you?? I hope and pray so……..Sarah there is always tomorrow…dont give up…your children need you.
Have been a reader of your blog from sometime. I know you are a fighter and would have done the best, but still reading this post made me feel sad.
Do not give up, keep fighting ..
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Sarah,
I have been reading your blog for past 4 years and never left you a comment.Dont give up sarah, no matter where your kids are, they will always love you. I know you only through your words,but i feel like we've known each other so well and i bet there are many people like me who pray for you. dont give up,friend. sarah, this is for you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc4HGQHgeFE&feature=related
It is very very sad. I cannot even come close to feel, what you are going through Sarah!!!.
Why do you think, it was you, against the every one, why your own people against you, why no one protected you, when all your sisters were hurting you physically and verbally. It looks like your sisters had some positive attachements to your mother/parents. Why were you singled out like this? Probably you can find an answere there and find a solution to all that, which used to bother you as a child. Now you are an adult and can protect and make choices for yourself, which being a child, you could not.
All the people you intereact in life are differnt in terms of being bad, good and in all the behaviour related areas, but there is only one thing common among all: You. Probably it is a repeating pattern. You need to identify that. Porbably you look for pleasing people, them teling you are good, and then you feel good. You need to break this pattern and find within yourself, what makes you happy, you are worthy of all the happiness, and no matter who tells you about your english or not, it is good/not, and even if you think it is not as good as your sis, it is not end of the world, you are still you and that is more than enough!!!
Sarah,
I am really sorry to read what has happened. As someone who has dealt with child custody issues and parents, I can sympathize with how complex things must be. But that hope you had of a better tomorrow is what drives 90% of this world. Because only 90% probably live in a good environment.
There was one post you had written about your mother. And I remember thinking, I feel like this is how my mother treats me and my sisters. We were not all blessed with great parents and not all good people can be good parents as well. But you are a good mother, and I am sure Yaya and your son are old enough to realize that already.
Someday, that tomorrow you dreamed of will hopefully come. Because including myself, most of us are all dreaming of and hoping for that better tomorrow.
Your hard work is impressive. I hope that you receive the willpower to eclipse all the challenges ahead.
-kajan
Hey Sarah dont lose your heart! As Louise Hay says ..You can Heal your Life.
You are a fighter, Sarah. you are. You are not going to give up. You have given life to three fabulous kids. They love you. and Sarah what matters the most is you love yourself. Live for yourself. Please dont be hurt. Fight and keep fighting. Your tomorrow is here.