Cross !!!

My maternal grandmother had done a cross stitch entirely using sugar beads. It was a Georgian cross with the words “Bear the cross and win the crown” at the bottom. I must have been about 4 years old when i saw it. I couldn’t read english and asked Chechy to read it for me. She did. But then she wouldn’t tell me what it meant. I hate not knowing something. I begged and pleaded with my sister to tell me what it meant, the more I begged, the more she refused. There was no one else to ask. ( I could never go to Amma and ask, she felt I was too nosey!!)

This morning I was thinking of my maternal grandmother. I know I never wrote much about her. She was a very tiny woman with a big heart. I remember her letting me use her lap as a slide ! She never complained. Not once. She took whatever came her way in her stride.

It is odd that I thought of her in my moments of despair. Even more odd that I thought about that cross stitch I have not seen for the last 35 yeara.

I guess what i am going through right now is my cross. Mine alone and I must bear it. How I wish i could just run..
I don’t need a crown.
Never did
But I do wish i have the strength to carry this cross.

I will be Away until the end of this month

6 thoughts on “Cross !!!

  1. Your stroy probably has affected every one who reads it. The pain, trauma and despair childhood expriences can cause.
    Not related to your story, but a differnt story from my exprience: I was working as a lecturer in a tutorial for 11th, 12th grade students. There was a girl in my class of approx 10 students and I was teahing chemistry. She was always trying to prove herself, a relatively slow learner, and very sensitive to what other did, said and behaved. It was painful to see her expressions, each time someone answered, I praised another student for answering. She was bothered by me paying fair attention to someone very deserving student. She would cry even at the slightest probing or during simple class conversations.

    Now as a mother, I think about that girl often. With that mental state, how she would have dealth with life overall, how she may have coped in higher classes and college and most of all, why her parents did not notice and what they did to cause her behaviour of such low esteem, that she needed approval from others all the time and felt that others were better. These images terrify me, not to make slightest mistakes that can harm my child and cause permanant trauma.

  2. Smitha: Not Zahir..He is always there.. always..
    This cross is nothing to do with him..
    This is personal.. Family issues! I was waiting for this.. it has arrived and I am too scared and too vulnerable..It is like the storm one is waiting for.. know it will arrive and hope it arrives soon, so one can rebuild again.. mine has arrived!! and is causing more destruction than I have imagined.

    Gardenlane: Not sure what u r trying to say..
    My self esteem isn't the issue here..
    It is more to do with making lemonade when life keeps throwing lemons and I am too full of lemonade right now and would love to have a nice bottle of Vodka! for a change.

  3. Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

  4. Anjali.

    Amida, I take refuge in you,

    Ocean of Oneness, Eternal Life and Light;

    Entrusting with my whole heart and mind

    In your Primal Vow;

    I am empowered by you to live a full, Compassionate and creative life,

    I dedicate myself to the service of all beings,

    Striving to help others realize,

    Their human potential and Enlightenment;

    May your Teachings guide me

    Throughout the day, in my relationships, work and play. Namo Amida Buddha

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