I am so horrible

When I became a mother, I felt I was at the top of the world. I wanted someone to love and cherish, that someone I can call ‘mine’.
At the same time I also knew that I didn’t want myself to be anything like my own mother.
I was going to be different.
I was going to raise my children differently from how I was raised.
I was going to be there for my children.
And I knew I will protect my children, come what may.

But life doesn’t come with an erase button. Neither there is an undo button.
I am still my mother’s daughter.
Today I lied to my son. And I have always told my children that I will not tolerate them lying to me. I have always told them that, it is not that they lied that would anger me, it is that from now on I wouldn’t be able to trust them.
Yet I had no qualms lying to my son blatantly.
Amma used to snoop around my stuff when I was growing up, even coming to my medical college hostel when I was at the hospital and going through all my mails. She even perfected the fool proof way to open a letter without me knowing. She snipped the side with a sharp scissors, took the letter out, read it and then put it back and seal the edge with glue. When I get the mail, I never notice the difference.The only way I found out was once she used a cheap glue and the edges didn’t stick, so when I was putting the letter back, it came out through the other end.

I have been wanting to know who is my son’s latest crush. He wouldn’t tell me and I decided to check his email.
Why I did that, I don’t know.
I shouldn’t have.
But I did.
Unfortunately my son checked the log and noticed that someone accessed his email when he wasn’t home and asked me if I opened his email.
I should have said Yes
But I didn’t
I lied.
I am horrible

4 thoughts on “I am so horrible

  1. Hey,
    Don't chastise yourself for something like this. You are his mom! Am not saying that snooping around your children's is always justifiable. But there were times when I wished that my parents weren't so oblivious to my activities and had butted in. They trusted me and I misused it (at a certain age, u think u know the best :). They are still my best friends and I look up to them. I feel one should have some idea of whats going on in their's child's personal life without 'openly' invading his personal space. Just an opinion from someone whoz yet to be a parent 🙂

  2. Nilu: I know. I am usually never hesitant to eat the humble pie. But this time I know I went too far. I lied.

    Mia: I do agree that one should have some idea of what is going on in their child's life. But I went about it in the wrong way. My children trusted me and I misused that trust.

  3. Aaah the moral battles that you have to go through being a parent. I think you should come clean to him and say you lied and apologize and probably explain to him the reason behind doing this (eg. I didn't want you to get hurt etc. ) . It would be a Good lesson for him about the importance of admitting mistakes and he would probably respect you more for that. But you are probably the best judge of what would be the best thing to do since you know your son well.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *