Yesterday someone I absolutely adore said to me
“Do you think your mother is the only person who would refuse to buy coffee for 38 bucks? So would my own mom, so would all the other mallu moms. It happens in every family”
Only then I realized that no one really understand what I am writing. Most are seeing a vengeful daughter who is out to tarnish her mother’s name.

I do not hate my mother. I love her absolutely. But when I write things that my mother did, why must you assume that I wrote that because I hate my mother? If I said I had enough of my mother, does that mean that I hate her?

I lived a life being afraid that someone would find out the truth about me.
I was like the Dutch boy who saved the town from flooding by covering the hole in the dam wall with his hand. In my case, there were not just one hole to cover. There was abusive father, stupid older sister, crazy mother.. there were way too many holes that I had to cover so I could be normal just like everyone else.

What I was to my classmates was only a part of who I really was. For them I was this rich kid whose father worked for Her Majesty, whose sister is an IIT graduate etc.
Deep in my heart I knew I was tricking/cheating my friends. Yet I couldn’t show them what I was.
Imagine how anyone one would have reacted if they had known who I really was!
Dr Nina Thomas, Grand daughter of Methran Thambi, daughter of a wife beater, womanizer… sister of Maria..
How many of you who read this blog would have wanted to do anything with me if you had known who I was?
Do you know how it was to live each day knowing that it is totally possible that one day one of my patients would know that I am so and so’s daughter( the one who made such a scene at the coffee shop or the bus stand or where ever) and tell me in front of everyone that “you are not worthy to be my doctor. You come from a screwed up family. You are messed up totally. I don’t want you to be my doctor”.

I was every bit ashamed( embarrassed, angry, annoyed with) of my mother’s behaviour. Because I knew most of what she was doing was attention seeking behaviour and she was doing it at my expense.

I didn’t ask for anything but a normal life.
But that was simply not possible in my life. So I had to create an illusion of normality in my life, I had to hide every embarrassing behaviour of each and every member of my family. My silence harmed me more than I ever realized. While everyone else around me lived a normal life, I was busy covering up my family’s mistakes.

There are times I feel I shouldn’t write everything, like someone mentioned ‘privacy is for a reason’. But I need to do this, not for anyone, just for me. What I couldn’t speak all those years, I am doing now and I just want to tell my side of the story.

So yes, most mothers don’t buy coffee for 38 bucks, they also don’t create a scene, if they chose not to buy. Mine did and I was embarrassed. All I wanted was for Amma to be like everyone else. If she did,Then I had few less holes to cover up.
It didn’t mean that I don’t love her. Even after all those manipulative mean things Amma has done, I still love her. She is my mother.

13 thoughts on “

  1. Dont take it hard on urself..I myself had drawn inspiration from u to write to vent out..but do u really think its healing to let the bad blood flow?wat if one day ur kids read all of this?
    and one day will they ask u even being a doc why u resorted back to sorry if im offending u..and i have noticed u dont respond well to criticisms…

    but all said n done..i believe ur telling the truth..and to do needs grit and spirit..

  2. But I absolutely donot believe that any one can judge a Doctor by who their family is? How does that matter to a patient? A doc/a student/a person is judges by their acts, not where they come from. And all your friends who you were hiding the truth from, do you think they had perfect lives? I hate when some one says: what will people say? Who is people, we are people. Every one has some thing or the other, they donot like. It is never big or small.
    I do think that you had issues with self-esteem while growing up. Surely that came from the unstable family environment. How does a wife beater, womanizer father make you any less of a person in your own right.
    A child is a person of his own, not a reflection of who raise him/her or siblings. You always need to proud of what you have, and make the best of it.
    Some times people don’t have any parents at all, and they come up in life and become stronger, becoz there was no one to take care of them
    I have a cousin, who was always nagging about my clothes, shoes etc, while growing up.. My parents were not that rich to provide me great things every day. But they made sure that I went to the best school and ate best food. I was always thinking of my cousin that she had low self-esteem, thinking that only clothes make you the person you are. (or)you will have more friends if you looked good. Who the hell needs those friends?
    Today I stand very tall, compare to all those people. I still bow my head to a child who I see strong, understands his/her parents situation and makes the best of it. I feel that child is the richest person, not the ones who go to best schools, have best cars and best houses to live in.

  3. I absolutely understand you,Sarah.
    People who write nasty things are who are really foolish.They seldom understand the other side of the coin because they live in illusion and logic.
    If everyone in this world had a life they desired perhaps this earth would have been a paradise..
    The sorrow and tragedy one carries as a burden would have all vanished..
    But thats not the the scenario…
    Its so easy to live with lies only if one chooses to be blind..
    It takes courage and love for life to come out with truth not white lies.
    You heart is pure and I greatly admire your spirit and courage.
    I always encourage my kids to tell the truth no matter how bitter-
    because when they grow up I want them to be strong hearted and not be somebody who thinks that this life is all smooth…

  4. ah the classic dont hang ur dirty linen in public – nivedita – i think sarah has done enough of that – so what if the children find out what she has gone through – at least they would know what a strong person she is having gone through so much

    there is no wrong or good choice – if someone decides to leave whatsoever profession for another – it is their choice – n no one elses choice to question – even if it was her children – her children are not living on the streets are they? – i believe her children are her outmost concern n she has done lots to ensure they receive love n care – n im sure they will understand her

    people live in some illusion that all is right everywhere and mothers cannot love one child less – but in reality favaouritism – jealousy over ones on child – does exist – so ur criticism or anyones on her based on the fact that all mothers are saints does not hold – dont criticise a person based on what you think is right – you weren’t walking in her shoes

    sarah – people love to believe what they want to believe – write as you want – i believe it has done some good or you wouldn’t have gone for the wedding or to india – it takes courage to relive memories –

    its easy for people to say you shouldn’t think of what others would think – and in the very next breath they tell you – you shouldn’t tell the world ur grief – do what you feel is best for you – take care dear

  5. hey sarah,
    dont let others opinion hurt u. I guess you are have come far from those things.
    People trying to criticize or comment negatively doesnt understand your point of view as visitra told correctly they have never been in your shoes.

    Most importantly no one is forcing them to read what you write..its yours space..go for it gal…its your world :))

  6. Dear Sis,

    I absolutely understand the pain u had been thru and the pain u feelw hen someone just see to the superficial things instead of actually real;ising what u feel and how those feelings hurts u.But yes I can understand as I have also been thru many ups and downs-till date.But perhaps this is what we call “Life’.I donot how much it wud matter to you BUT I really do understand and feel the pain u had been thru in ur past.I am notaquainted with your present life but sometimes when I read abt Yaya,toothelss I feel u r a complete mother and u enjoyed it absolutely.GOD bless u dear.Take care.

    *Love & Smiles*

  7. i just want to reiterate that im not at all against u..and like i said many a times u have been an inspiration to me..
    so plz dont judge me saying dat im in the league of some nasty commenters..and after all its her world like a fellow commenter said..and as much as she has d freedom to write in ther, i thot i have the right to voice a concern i had.
    Its just that i many a times wonder we often resort to blogging only when we are heavy at heart..all ur posts have melancholy in it..werent u ever happy?is it humanly possible to survive tru all this trauma without any silver waiting for that..i want to be happy for u atleast once in a while..

  8. i just wanted to say this….hugs*
    just dont get hassled..and im sure u will survive tru this too
    this too shall pass babe..ur a beautiful person!!

  9. Hi Chech,
    Been reading ur blog from the start and you have mentioned over n over how much you love your mom. The very fact that u chose to live with her speaks volumes.

    A lot of us TOTALLY understand what you are trying to convey. To hell with others, you don’t have to justify who you are or what you did to anyone.

    Be strong


  10. Sarah,

    The thing is people take one instance and judge you for your feelings on it. The fact is what you went through in life does not add up to one event(like your mom embarrasing you in the coffee shop). Its one big long tally of things which happened to you, and in some peoples life those things are very hard to bear.
    Yes, everyone has their own problems, but not everyone has loving parents, siblings, best food, best friends, etc. Some people, for whatever reasons, really suffer a lot in life.
    Its wonderful that you have come through that, and still be a great person and a great mom to your kids and even a good daughter, in spite of it all.
    Thanks for sharing with us.

  11. You should hsve seen snd heard the scenes my father made on crowded buses, if someone so much as touched him. I would sit there hoping i am invisible to others on the bus, scared and frightened that we would get thrown out o fhte bus or maybe some drunk would stab him. I used to be scared of travelling with him. But he is no more now and I don’t hold that against him anymore. He did a lot of great things too and though he often did not show it, he loved me a lot. All of us even those in the seemingly happy families have had private hells and each have to find their own way out of it. Maybe yours is through writing and getting it out of your system. Only don’t let it rule your present life.
    Best wishes to a happy life.

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