Yesterday someone I absolutely adore said to me
“Do you think your mother is the only person who would refuse to buy coffee for 38 bucks? So would my own mom, so would all the other mallu moms. It happens in every family”
Only then I realized that no one really understand what I am writing. Most are seeing a vengeful daughter who is out to tarnish her mother’s name.
I do not hate my mother. I love her absolutely. But when I write things that my mother did, why must you assume that I wrote that because I hate my mother? If I said I had enough of my mother, does that mean that I hate her?
I lived a life being afraid that someone would find out the truth about me.
I was like the Dutch boy who saved the town from flooding by covering the hole in the dam wall with his hand. In my case, there were not just one hole to cover. There was abusive father, stupid older sister, crazy mother.. there were way too many holes that I had to cover so I could be normal just like everyone else.
What I was to my classmates was only a part of who I really was. For them I was this rich kid whose father worked for Her Majesty, whose sister is an IIT graduate etc.
Deep in my heart I knew I was tricking/cheating my friends. Yet I couldn’t show them what I was.
Imagine how anyone one would have reacted if they had known who I really was!
Dr Nina Thomas, Grand daughter of Methran Thambi, daughter of a wife beater, womanizer… sister of Maria..
How many of you who read this blog would have wanted to do anything with me if you had known who I was?
Do you know how it was to live each day knowing that it is totally possible that one day one of my patients would know that I am so and so’s daughter( the one who made such a scene at the coffee shop or the bus stand or where ever) and tell me in front of everyone that “you are not worthy to be my doctor. You come from a screwed up family. You are messed up totally. I don’t want you to be my doctor”.
I was every bit ashamed( embarrassed, angry, annoyed with) of my mother’s behaviour. Because I knew most of what she was doing was attention seeking behaviour and she was doing it at my expense.
I didn’t ask for anything but a normal life.
But that was simply not possible in my life. So I had to create an illusion of normality in my life, I had to hide every embarrassing behaviour of each and every member of my family. My silence harmed me more than I ever realized. While everyone else around me lived a normal life, I was busy covering up my family’s mistakes.
There are times I feel I shouldn’t write everything, like someone mentioned ‘privacy is for a reason’. But I need to do this, not for anyone, just for me. What I couldn’t speak all those years, I am doing now and I just want to tell my side of the story.
So yes, most mothers don’t buy coffee for 38 bucks, they also don’t create a scene, if they chose not to buy. Mine did and I was embarrassed. All I wanted was for Amma to be like everyone else. If she did,Then I had few less holes to cover up.
It didn’t mean that I don’t love her. Even after all those manipulative mean things Amma has done, I still love her. She is my mother.