I knew Arjun would come on Monday morning to pick me up before going to college. I also knew he expected me to behave as though nothing happened and pretend that everything is fine. I was sick and tired of being nice. I packed my bags on Sunday evening
“Why are you going back now? You can go back tomorrow morning No?” Amma asked
“I want to discuss and study Amma”
“Did you let Arjun know?”
“Know what?”
“That you are going back today?”
“Why should I let him know Amma? Is he my guardian or what?” I was so angry with Amma
“Why are you screaming?” It was Amma’s turn to yell
“One minute you are angry with me because you thought I want to marry Arjun and the next minute you are asking me if I told Arjun that I am going back early. You really need to make up your mind Amma”
“Ninakku vatta, muzhu vatta ( you are mad)” Amma replied
“It runs in the family No? Why didn’t you investigate if there is any history of madness before you decided to marry my innocent father?”
There was an absolute moment of silence. A clear indication that Amma was lost for words and in other words, I won. I used her owns words to get back at her. I also said my innocent father! I knew there was not an iota of innocence in my father. Still it felt good to tell Amma that compared to her, Appa was any time better. I took a deep breath and tried to capture the moment of victory.
“Nee orikkalum konam pidikkathilledi ( you will never do well in your life)”
It was the same old ace card, always used at the right moment hoping to inflict as much damage as humanly possible. I knew my mother’s the curses don’t work.
But still! I was going back to write second year part 1 internals. I had already handed in an empty Pharmacology answer sheet. I didn’t want to fail patho and micro.
I looked at Amma to see why she was cursing me like this? What excatly have I done so wrong?
Yes I do talk back, but that is all. I still take good care of Amma and my sisters don’t I?
Amma was waiting for an eye contact. She pointed her index finger at me and whispered
“Mark my words Nina, you will never do well in your life” Amma cursed
“Go to hell Amma. Go to freaking fucking hell” I yelled
Liza who was until that moment sitting on the chair and watching TV suddenly got up and ran to where I was standing and held me hand
“What did you say Nina? You think you are smart eh? You want to cuss in this house eh?”
“Let go off my hand” I yelled
“No, I want you to answer me” Liza was squeezing and hurting my hand
“Let go off my hand” I started to push her
“You are pushing me?”
In an instant my sister let go off my hand and used all her energy and pushed me. I lost my balance and hit my head on the wall.
My head hurt and I started to rub my head, hoping there won’t be any swelling.
“Leave her money, She is not worth wasting your energy.” Amma took Liza’s hand and walked to the kitchen.
Sally was standing by the bedroom door and watching us. I looked at my baby sister. I so very much wanted her to have a normal life. I watched my sister looking at Amma and Liza and then she looked at me. I tried to smile, tried to tell her that I am sorry for the fight. She just shook her head and went back to her room and slammed the door.
I knew I could have stopped this fight from escalating to this level. I knew I shouldn’t have cussed. I knew I should go and apologize to Amma.
I took my bag and gently closed the door after me.
I waited for the bus in front of the temple. My head was still hurting. I checked to see if there was any swelling. There was a small swelling and it was tender.
I hated Liza for hurting me like this. I was her older sister. Even if she didn’t want to respect me, she didn’t have to hurt me. I did everything for her. Everything!
There were plenty of traffic on the road. From far the headlights on the buses looked like the eyes of a demon. some of the buses were so overcrowded that it was dangerously leaning to one side and I imagined a demon walking with a limp. Then I noticed the people standing on the foot board. They were the arm of the demon. Poor Demon, it only had one arm. One armed demon with a limp.
What if I just jump in front of one of the buses? Would the demon eat me alive?
‘Stop Nina, stop thinking like that’ Sensible one whispered
‘You don’t know anything. You tell me,what is the point in living?’ I asked
‘The point is, You have a bright future Nina’
‘Ha!’ It was my turn to laugh.
‘What future are you talking about? What future do I have? I have destroyed everything haven’t I?’
‘No, you haven’t’ Sensible one spoke
I didn’t reply. I so very badly wished what she said was true. I wanted to believe her. I wanted to see Beautiful Eyes. I hoped to see him at the college. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted him to save me from the mess I got myself in to. I wanted to pass the exams. I wanted Amma to forgive me for cussing. There were so many things I wanted.
‘I am not asking much am I? I am not asking for a mansion or a car or a diamond necklace. I am just asking/praying that Beautiful Eyes won’t break up with me. I can always ask Amma for forgiveness, but what would I do if i lose Beautiful Eyes?