As I sat in the departure lounge, I looked at my feet. There was a small scuff mark on the right shoe. I knew Liza would be upset that I wore her brand new Nike sports shoes, but there was no other way I could take it back to India. I didn’t want to disappoint my sister, so I wet the tip of my dupatta with my saliva and tried to rub off the scuff mark. The marks didn’t go. It stayed the same way, like all those things I wanted to forget. It just doesn’t disappear or vanish.
I thought of throwing the shoes away. I could always tell Liza that I couldn’t get a shoe for her. But her life, her future, how can I destroy that? She is my sister for heaven’s sake. If I am not there for her, who else would be there?
All I wanted that moment and every other moment in my life was to be free from being responsible for everyone. All I wanted was to be selfish just once in my life be me and not worry about anyone else.
But I couldn’t be me. I am Nina Thomas, the one entrusted with taking care of my mother and sisters. There were others before me and they all walked away. But I couldn’t. I wanted to.
I so very badly wanted to.
How could I?
Even when my desire to live ebbed away, I couldn’t walk away.
I didn’t want to live anymore. Death was an easy option. I knew death would liberate me from my burdens. But I couldn’t take my own life, because if I did so, then no one would marry my younger sisters. As their older sister, I was supposed to take care of them, not hurt them in anyway. I couldn’t do that to them.
To live a life not worth to live was my Karma.
I wanted to run away, far far away from my Karma. May be I should go to Himalayas and live in some monastery, away from everyone in my life. I heard the sensible one laughing and asking
“Do you think anyone would marry your sisters if they knew their older sister ran away from home and joined some cult group in the Himalayas?”
“It is not a cult group, it is a monastery” I tried to explain
“Whatever” she replied
“Whatever” I imitated her and noticed the man sitting in front of me staring at me. I knew he was thinking if I was gone mad. Even I was thinking the same.Have I gone mad? What if all these are my imaginations? May be I had some accident and I was in coma. May be one day I would wake up from my coma and the world would be as beautiful as it should be. My parents living together happily( without fighting), Maria living with her husband and my nieces and nephews( I didn’t mind having a nephew named Judas)Liza and Sally doing well in their studies. I could even picture Amma’s dream house. She had told me once about her dream house. A four story house in Bangalore with a lovely garden in front. She wanted to name the house Manilas(‘Ma’ria,”Ni”na,”L”isa “A”nd”S”ally). I laughed at her that day and told her
“Amma,it sound like Manila, capital of Philippines”.
“Why are you laughing? it doesn’t sound like Manila, it sound like Kailas”
Kailas? Mount Kailas? I thought of telling her, it didn’t sound like Kailas, besides any place where my parents live together can’t be compared to Kailas (where Lord Shiva sits with his wife Parvati) but my mother was talking about her dream and I didn’t want to fight with her.
“But Amma, why do you want to build a four story house? Why do you want such a big house? and who is going to clean it?”
“you manukku ( dumbo), four levels, so each of you can stay in one level, so all of you will be together”
“Oh like that, so where are you going to stay?”
“Appa and I will take turn and stay with each of you”
“Amma,Better still, When Appa stays with me, you stay with Maria, so in that way we can avoid the fireworks!! Alley Amma?“
May be Amma too wasn’t in a fighting mood, because she didn’t retort that day. Instead she asked me
“Do you think my dream will come true Nina?”
“Of course Amma. Even if Appa didn’t build you a house, I will, I promise”
I knew I wasn’t in a coma. I had promises to keep.
I had school fees to pay.
I also had 2 sarees,a make up kit, three bottles of nail polish, a thermos lunch box and a leather handbag to give to Maria
2 Sarees, 12 correlle snowflakes dinner plates, an electric kettle, cutting board and a jasmine perfume for my mother
Pencils, pens, backpack, Nike shoes, plenty of dresses for Liza
28 colours sketch pens, a pink colour diary, lots of dresses for Sally
1 bought it all with 1500 Dirhams and paid with my soul.