“Appa, I am tired. I am going to bed” I spoke
“oh ok, good night Nina” My father was grinning. There was something about that grin. I wasn’t sure why, but the grin made me very uncomfortable.
“Good night Appa” I replied and quickly turned back and walked towards my room.
“How come Nina, you don’t give any goodnight kiss for your father?”I remember those times you waited up for me, so I could tuck you to bed and give you a goodnight kiss. You never let your mother tuck you to bed”I heard Appa speaking.
It was true, I used to wait for Appa to come back home. I never let Amma tuck me to bed.
But there was something that bothered me. As though there was a wall somewhere at the back of my mind.
There was something else. I knew there was something else about Appa tucking me to bed and giving him a goodnight kiss.
Suddenly I felt the walls around me crumbling. Through the cracks, I could hear Tante sobbing and talking to Amma. I remembered that evening after Tante left, Amma was acting like a mad woman, screaming and yelling and shouting at us. I didn’t want to be anywhere near her, so I went and sat on the veranda. I knew I didn’t have to wait too long. Appa should be home soon and he would save me from Amma’s madness.
Then I heard Amma opening the front door. I didn’t have enough time to hide behind the pillar.
“Nina” She screamed. “What are you doing outside?”
“Nothing Amma. I was just sitting here”
Like a hurricane, my mother ran towards me and pulled my ear and dragged me towards the front door
“Amma, please, let go off my ear. You are hurting me” I tried to pull her hand away from my ear my room. She kept pulling my ear and dragging me all the way to my room. She opened the door and pushed me inside
“From now on, you will stay in your room. Do you understand that Nina Thomas” I looked at my mother bewildered.
“Your father will not tuck you to bed from now on. You will go to bed on your own. You are no longer a little baby, do you understand that Nina Thomas?”
I didn’t understand anything. I didn’t understand why my mother was so mean to me. I looked forward to my father spending time with me before I went to bed. I loved the stories he used to tell me. I loved to learn about the stars and the constellations. And now Amma was taking that away from me? Why? Was it because Appa always tucked me to sleep and not Maria? I hated my nasty mean mother. I hated every bit of my mother. I knew for sure Amma didn’t like me, that is why she was being so mean to me. That is what I thought all these years. Suddenly I understood why Amma looked at me in the eyes when I was leaving for Dubai and spoke
“money, be careful” and I thought she meant be careful while travelling.

I quickened my steps. The one advantage being deaf is you can pretend not to hear things you don’t want to hear.
My heart started to pound. I concentrated hard and listened for sounds of footsteps, to see if Appa was walking behind me.
I quickly opened my room door, entered the room and shut the door. I leaned on the door, half expecting Appa to come and knock at the door.
My whole body was shaking. A part of me kept telling me that you are imagining all these, but I shook my head and said “No”I knew I wasn’t imagining. I couldn’t have imagined the evil grin on my father’s face. Besides Tante never came home after that day. So did all my cousins. Penang Ammachi never allowed my cousins to visit us or stay with us. All these while I thought everyone in my mother’s family was jealous of us. That was why they never kept in touch with us. Now I understood why.
I looked around the room. The only furniture that I could move was the stool in front of the dressing mirror. I pulled the stool towards the door and kept it leaning against the door. I knew it was such a stupid idea, even a child can kick that stool and it would move.
In the room next to me was the man, who fathered me, the man who should protect me, take care of me and I was hoping a small wooden stool would protect me from him.

Today’s blog took all my strength to write. Finally the demons that haunted me all these years are free. I hoped freeing them would give me the peace of mind.. but right now all I feel is empty..