As I stood on the top of the steps, I felt the steps from the house suddenly lead to no where. All this while that road, the same road that I used when I came to this house the first time wearing a beautiful Chinese frock and a tiny ponytail on the top of my head was a link. A link to my past, a link to my present, a link to my future. More importantly it was a link to my existence.
I stood there on that steps looking at the empty space beyond. I could hear my mother’s words” Always dream achievable dreams”. Was I dreaming something that was not achievable? When I was little, all I wanted was to grow up, so I can be the Amma Maharani of this house. I wanted to buy a proper set and mundu, grow my hair long and be the real Amma Maharani.
I could picture myself in a red border set and mundu with a tiny line of sandal wood paste on my forehead, a black gopi pottu beneath that,brown glass bangles on both my hands, jasmine flowers on my hair. I wanted to raise my children here. I dreamed of making athapoo with my children on this front porch. I dreamed of dancing Thiruvathira on this very front porch. What happened to my dreams? Why such a simple dreams were not achievable? I didn’t understand.
I heard sound coming from Ammachi’s room and I saw the light being switched on in her room. Any moment now, she would notice that I haven’t slept on my bed and I knew she would be coming out looking for me. I couldn’t say goodbye to the person I love the most on planet earth. I also didn’t want Ammachi to see me leaving without a goodbye. Like a thief Kochumaharani of Puthenveettil house tip toed slowly down the steps.
Suddenly the light in the front porch came on and I knew Ammachi would see me. So I ran quickly and hid behind the jackfruit tree. The same tree, Ammachi and I hid when we went to flood Chackochan’s paddy field.
“Nina, kunje Where are you?” I could hear Ammachi calling me.
“Nina, stop fooling me, Where are you?” Ammachi was looking for me all around the veranda.
“Believe me, when I find you, I will break both your knees today. You are so big already and still want to play hide and seek ah? Wait till I will find you today. This is the last time you are going to play such silly games. You should learn to act your age” I watched Ammachi holding the pillar and climbing down the steps. She almost tripped and I stood there watching. I so very badly wanted to go to her. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. My feet was frozen to the ground. Although I never loved my mother as much as I loved my grandmother, I wouldn’t agree to another woman taking her place. My mother was never a perfect wife, daughter in law or a mother. But she still was the first and only daughter in law of my grandmother. I will not let Ammachi change that.
I watched Ammachi bending down and picking an eerkkili (stick) from the broom stick. She waved that in the air and spoke
“I will break your bones today for playing silly games in the early morning”
She too started to walk the same way as I did. The moment she reached the cattle shed, I started to run, past the creek, past the paddy field on to the bund road. I wanted to see my house one last time, I wanted to spot a part of the thatched roof one last time, but I was too afraid to even look. On a day when his his royal highness Mahabeli was coming to visit all his subjects in Kerala, I was leaving my home, like a king who lost his crown.
The houses by the main road were already bustling with activities. I could have taken the first bus and gone to Kottayam. But I wanted to feel, smell and see my land one more time. I walked slowly to the bus station. I could hear little children singing songs. Few girls were already outside with baskets in their hands, looking for flowers to make athapoo. All of them wore colourful silk skirts with matching bouses. When they came near me, they wished me
“thiruvonashamsakal Chechy(happy onam)” I smiled and wished them the same.
From the distance I could hear the temple bells ringing. There were signs of happiness all around me. Yet I felt like a wick floating in the oil. The only purpose was to burn and shine. I was burning like a wick! I was burning my dreams, my hopes and my identity.
When I reached home, I could smell the familiar aroma of onion being fried in coconut oil. The last time I got such a smell in my home was when Akkachi was home. Did Akkachi come back? I walked quickly. The dining room door was open and there were pots and pots of dishes on the table. I quickly opened the lids. Amma had already made Rice, sambar, parippu curry, avial, thoran, injipuli and pappadam for the sadya. I looked around to see where Amma and my sister had gone. They were not to be found and I couldn’t resist an ona sadya. So I took some food in the plate to eat. I was about to mix the rice with Sambar when I heard Amma speaking
“Nina wait, I cut the banana leaves already. we will eat from the leaf” I looked up to see Amma carrying the banana leaves and walking inside. I was surprised to see that my mother actually went out and cut the banana leaves, so we could eat a traditional ona sadya. She was never in to celebrating onam. I looked at her stunned.
May be Amma understood why I was staring at her
“I don’t know how long I will be around, so I thought, might as well make you guys a proper sadya, so even if I die tomorrow, you will remember the onam we had together”
“oh” I mumbled
“Chechy, Amma bought you a Kerala saree” Sally came out of her room holding a brown paper bag.
I got up, washed my hand and took the paper bag from my sister’s hand. Inside was a brand new, handwoven cream colour saree with a golden Zari border. There was a separate piece of matching blouse piece. I didn’t know what I felt, on one hand I lost everything and on the other hand I was gaining things I never thought I would.
“Thanks Amma” I whispered
“How was Ammachi” Amma asked
“Fine”
“Did you find anything about Appa’s second wife?”
“No”
“You are useless”
“I know”
Suddenly there was a moment of silence. The fog was being cleared. My mother got her wish finally, to make me admit that I am indeed useless and I got my wish, that I got my mother. For the first time in years we looked at each other and smiled and neither of us were mocking each other.
people change too fast even beofre we could know..
you are back after the break! good to see you, Ninakutty…
did u visit ammachi after this?
When we lose someting…
we gain somting on the other hand….
Happy to see your Post after long time….
I do not know how to put this but I think sometimes it helps to hate the same person to connect. Very sad, its the person you love the most though.
everytime I think someone went thru all this, I shudder, I wud not have been able to go thru it….you are a strong woman Sarah 🙂
Thank god! After that night, you went home to some hapiness!!
There was some peace at last.I am glad you made up with your mother.
Wow!
Am glad you’re back
proves again the cliche that everything happens for a reason! 🙂 HOpe the happiness stays on…