In the morning, I was helping Amma to make dosai and she was cutting the vegetable to make sambar.
“I think we should move to Bangalore”. Amma spoke
“Why? What for?” I asked her
“Anyway we are paying rent here, for the same rent we can get a house in Bangalore, and your sisters can study in either Bishop Cotton school or the Baldwin school. Schools in Bangalore are better than the ones here. Besides, Chechy can stay with us and we will all be together”
I looked at my mother, who was still busy peeling the potato. I wondered if she knew that I know why she wants to be in Bangalore? It was none of the reasons she gave me and I wondered, whether she will ever tell the truth.
Although Amma was standing just 2 feet away from me, each of her lies were adding layers of separation between us. Much as I wanted to break free from her, I was stuck. I couldn’t break free from her lies and her schemes.
I didn’t want to be in Bangalore. I didn’t want my younger sisters to be in Bangalore. I had an obligation to protect my sisters from ‘that’ man.
“Amma, I was thinking of joining Kottayam medical college” I spoke, knowing very well that I am going to hear a lot of criticism.
“Medical college? You have to write entrance exam and what is your guarentee that you will get admission? You don’t get admission because you got 529 marks for SSLC”
“Oh really? Oh I am so sorry, I didn’t know that. I thought I could just walk in to the medical college with my SSLC marks card.” I replied sarcastically
“Nina, there are plenty of courses you can join in Bangalore. You can do lab technology or B.Pharm. There is a huge demand for Pharmacist in US and you can ask my brother to sponsor you”
I looked at my mother again. She was cutting the potato in to cubes. I felt she was cutting my future, just so, she could achieve her dreams. My life meant nothing to her. I felt repulsed standing next to the woman who unfortunately gave birth to me.
“Amma, you can make the rest of the dosai. I want to go to the toilet”
“Oh running away to the toilet ah?” Amma picked up the steel plate to count the dosai I made.” My wonderful daughter got tired after making 10 dosai!
Has it ever occured to you, how much my back hurts making dosai for all of you? You thought all this is easy ah?”
I didn’t respond. How am I to tell her that, it is she I am sick off. I quickly went to the toilet and shut the door. I felt sick, thinking about how much my mother manipulates me. Maria couldn’t go to US because my uncle and his wife are misers and it is ok for me to go to US, because my mother knows the same misers will treat me well. I absolutely hated my mother for the way she treats me. But I couldn’t do anything. She gave birth to me and I owe my life to her.

I couldn’t wait for Thursday to come. I needed to see Ammachi. I thought of going to Chengannur on Monday. But that would create problems. The staff at BCM college is under the impression that every Thursday, I have an appointment at Kottayam medical college to fit a new hearing aid. I even showed them the proof of all the impressive audiogram reports from All India Institute of Hearing in Mysore. I didn’t want to create any trouble and lose the opportunity to go to Chengannur(kanjilu pattane enthina idunney?)

Thursday morning I woke up early.
“Nina can you comb my hair?” Sally came to my room with the comb.
“Ofcourse. Sit down on the chair”
I brushed my sister’s hair. Unlike me, she has soft curly hair.
“Chechy said, she will buy me new hair clips for me from Bangalore. I want a butterfly clip with shiny pink colour stones on it”
“That is nice Sally. Butterfly with shiny stones will look nice on your hair”
“I wish I had straight hair like you Nina. Your hair is so pretty”
“You know something?” I asked my baby sister
“What?” She turned around and looked at me
“I wish I had curly hair like you. Your hair is so pretty”.
“Really Nina? You really like my hair?”
“Yes, I cross my heart. Now get up, I will tuck your shirt properly.”
I helped her to tuck her school uniform shirt neatly.
“Sally, Hurry up, let us go. You will miss your school bus” Amma was shouting
“Go fast” I pushed my sister out of my room
“Nina, make sure the kitchen door is locked before you leave”
“ok Amma”
I watched Amma holding Sally’s hand and walking. Liza was walking next to Sally and they were talking and laughing. It was nice to see my sisters happy, but I had things to do. I closed the main door and went to my room. I had to get the money. I had hidden the money Ammachi gave in the inside cover of my record book. I slowly opened the cover and took 2 ten rupees notes and closed the cover back. I kept the money in my pencil case, took few of my books from the table and checked and locked all the doors. I waited till 9 AM to make sure Amma is in the office before leaving. In that way, chances of her seeing me in the bus stand is slim. When the clock chimed 9, I locked the door and walked towards BCM college. Till I reached the college main door, I wasn’t scared. As I passed the gate, there were so many students near the gate. My heart was beating fast.
‘What if someone sees me and ask me where I am going?’
I will cross that bridge when I have to. I quickened my pace. Taxi drivers waiting infront of the district hospital were whistling and commenting
“eda, Why there is no college today?, Is there a strike today?” I heard one speaking
“eda Which movie is playing in the theatre this morning?” Another one asked
“If you are alone this morning, Can I join you?” another one in Khaki shirt spoke as I walked. I had a black umbrella in my hand. I wish I knew how to do Karate and hit all of them one go with my umbrella. I was so angry. I didn’t know what their problem was. Men in India, just can’t leave a woman alone.
By the time I reached the bus stand I was sweating. I found the Trivandrum bus waiting at the bay. I got inside and found a seat near the window and wished silently that I would get a female passenger to sit next to me. I didn’t want free pinches and fondlings, so I kept my books next to me, as though the seat was reserved for someone.
Soon the conductor came. I gave him the 10 Rs and told him
“Chengannur. 1 ticket please”
“Don’t you have change?” he asked me
“No”
“Why do all of you get dressed up and come inside the bus, expecting me to have loose change. Why can’t you carry exact amount?” He was yelling at me
I looked at him. I didn’t respond. he scribbled the balance on the ticket and I snatched it from his hand, as I didn’t want the conductor to massage my hand on the pretext of giving me the ticket.
I looked outside the window.There were so many people in the bus stand. I remembered the time I went to Chengannur with Appa and us eating at the bus station canteen. I had money to go and eat. But there is no way, I could do that peacefully. A young girl going alone to eat in a bus staion canteen? It is not something that is socially accepted. Girls are not supposed to eat outside alone. I wondered who made such a silly rules.
“Is this seat occupied?” I turned my head to look.
A man in his late 40’s, wearing blue stripped shirt was grinning at me. He must hav been too excited to find a good catch in the morning. After all how often would you find a teenager alone in a bus!
There were so many seats vacant in the bus, yet he wanted to sit next to me. I didn’t respond. I took the books from the seat and placed it on my lap. He sat down next to me
“Nina nna peru? (your name is Nina?)” He looked at the books on my lap.
I turned the book around.
“Where are you going?”
I didn’t respond
“You can’t hear? Are you deaf?” He sat closer to me and I tried to move further away. He moved even more closer. The disadvantage of the window seat is, the window prevents you from moving further. His thighs were rubbing mine. I looked at him. He was busy looking at the other side, as though he isn’t doing anything wrong. I looked around the bus. All the female passengers were with their husbands or fathers. No one travelled alone.
I sat there, angry and upset with my total inability to fight for my own rights to travel in a public bus without being harassed.
I could have got down near the junction after the Chengannur bus stand. I didn’t want to sit another minute next to the creep and I got off the bus, the moment it reached Chengannur. I walked home from the bus stand