strength

As I walked on the bund road, as usual I tried to spot the thatched roof. I thought I saw a tiny part of the roof through the foliage and I walked faster hoping, I really did spot the roof.. Suddenly I stepped in to something and I looked down. My right feet was in the middle of fresh cowdung. From the sides of my slipper, the cowdung reached all the way to my sole and it was stinking. I was so angry.
‘Which idiot took his cow out for a morning walk? It must have been Chackochan. Couldn’t he do anything better in the morning? I slowly removed my leg from the dung and removed my slipper. My feet looked gross. I quickly rubbed and rubbed my feet on the grass to remove the sticky yucky dung. My feet was sticky. I took the dried leaves from the floor and wiped most of the dung in the slipper. It was still stinking and I didn’t want to wear it. I held the slipper in my hand holding the strap and started to walk, holding one slipper in my hand and wearing the other on my leg. The gravel stones were poking and hurting my feet. All I wanted was to wash my leg and my slipper. I marched home, hoping to wash my leg before Ammachi sees me and make fun of me.
But the laws of life is such that, when you really don’t want to see your grandmother is when she waits for you sitting on the parapet wall.
“Kochumaharani, why are you wearing a slipper on your hand?” She pointed to the slipper in my hand.
Edi Chakki, Come and see this, Didn’t I tell you the world is ending soon. See people are wearing slipper in their hand” Ammachi was laughing at me and I was mad at her, at the guy who took his cow out for a walk in the morning and at the guy who rubbed his thigh against mine. I looked for the brasspot (kindi) that is always kept on the parapet wall with water to wash legs. In its place there was a shining new stainless steel pot.
“Where is my brass pot?” I asked Ammachi
“Your brass pot?” She looked at me and asked
“Yes mine. The one Methran Thambi brought with his own money and kept here, so everyone can wash their leg”
“Oh that one.. I sold it”
“You sold it? You sold my brass pot without my permission? How dare you?” I was hopping mad
Ammachi was holding her stomach and laughing. I didn’t find it funny so I asked her
“why did you sell it?”
“Why can’t I sell it?”
“Because it is mine. Every single tiny rock in this land is mine”
“Oh like that ah. But Kochumaharani, didn’t you learn in school that brass pot is not made of rock, it is made from copper” Ammachi was trying to show a straight face and I knew she was laughing at me inside her head.
“I am not talking to you” I walked towards the well
I heard Ammachi shouting
Edi Chakki, draw some water for her, normally people bring apples and oranges when they visit their grandmother. Mine brought cow dung”
I turned around and stuck my tongue at her. But Ammachi was looking at the kitchen and speaking to Chakki and didn’t see it.
‘Today is not my day’. I muttered.
Chakki helped me to wash my legs and hands. My feet was still stinking.
“Wait here Kochumaharani” I watched her plucking few tender mango leaves. She used her hand to bruise the leaves and rubbed on my leg to remove the smell.
When I entered the kitchen, Ammachi was waiting for me with a glass of hot coffee with ghee. I took it from her hand and walked to the kitchen counter to get more sugar
“I already added extra sugar. You should taste before assuming”
I didn’t respond. Quietly I walked towards the bench and sat on it. I am not going to talk to anyone who is laughing at me. I didn’t purposely walk in to the cow dung and there was no need for Ammachi to laugh at me like this. Not enough, she even sold my brass pot, which by the way, my grandfather bought.
Edi Chakki, why don’t you bring me some of that jackfruit chips we fried yesterday?” Ammachi asked Chakki
‘Jackfruit chips? wow, I love them. But I still didn’t want to talk to Ammachi’
I watched Chakki using the tip of the knife and opening the golden colour biscuit tin and taking handful of chips out and placing in a brass bowl. Chakki closed the lid of the tin
edi Chakki, why are you taking only a little bit of chips. You know she likes to eat it.Take some more and give the plate to Nina” Ammachi looked at me and said “Actually, give the whole tin to her. Do you remember Chakki, how she used stand next to me while I fried the chips?”
“Oh yes Ammachi, I remember how she would jump up and down while holding the hot chips in her hand.”
I tried to remember. But I couldn’t. I took the chips from the bowl and started to eat. Each golden yellow chips fried and salted to perfection. As I ate the chips, I felt peaceful. I felt good.
There was something about Chengannur house that when you sit in the smoky kitchen, munching the chips that your grandmother made with love, your anger vanishes and peace comes to you in abundence. I looked around the kitchen. At the bottom of the kitchen counter, next to where Ammachi keeps the firewood I saw the brass pot.
“You didn’t sell the pot. You lied!. Why Ammachi, why did you lie?” I asked her
“Nina, when you got angry, you looked just like your father. I just wanted to see that angry face”
“Oh, so you miss Methran Thambi’s son ah?”
“I never said I don’t”
“Then why didn’t you open all the letters he send?”
“If I read the letters, would it make me miss your father less?”
“No, but you will know if he is ok”
“If he isn’t ok, can I do something, when he is miles away? Can I go there and take care of him?”
“No, but still Ammachi”
“Nina, there is no but( ennalum) in life.”
“There is”
“No there isn’t”
“How do you know?” I asked her
“Why were you angry this morning?” She asked me
I told her about the guy in the bus who rubbed his thigh on mine.
“Why didn’t you tell him, what was bothering you?”
“How can I Ammachi?”
“What are you afraid of Nina? You sat in that bus, you endured the torture, because you didn’t want to hurt his feelings. You didn’t want to embarass him. But it is ok for you to sell your feelings?”
“I didn’t sell my feelings” I was so mad at Ammachi for saying that
“Oh yes, you did. You told that man, that it is ok for him to do it, because, whatever happens, you will protect his feelings. Ennalum (but, because) he is a man, respected member of the society, a father, a husband, you didn’t want his name to be spoiled. You surrendered yourself Nina”
“I did not. What else could I have done? Slap him? Punch him?” I asked her
“What is the strongest weapon Nina?”
I didn’t have to think hard
“Nuclear Bomb”
“Who made it?”
“Americans”
“Who used it?”
“Americans?”
“No Nina, I meant, who gave the authority to use the bomb against the Japanese?”
“Truman”
“Oh Nina, man made the bomb,man gave the order, man followed the command, man dropped the bomb.”
” Man was in control, not the bomb. There is nothing stronger than the man. He controls a bomb that can kill thousands, yet you can’t tell someone when he bothers you?”
I looked at my grandmother. I, could climb trees, I could swim, I could run, I scored 529 marks for SSLC, yet I couldn’t open my own mouth?

15 thoughts on “strength

  1. Nice memory you have here, to be able to go back to 1986/7 ?? just like it was last month.

    Did you keep a diary. Look forward to your posts.

    God bless you

  2. oh, u were in such a bad mood nina.
    Ur ammachi is a sweet heart. she had something for u when u visited her.

    mmm.. tender mango leaves for cowdung smell – new info.

    -jay

  3. Hi Nina
    came to yer blog by chance and read everything from zilch……..
    how do i tell u what I feel….its beyond words…….how could u let them do this to you all this while?
    how could a mother do some thing like this to her own child……its unbelievable, unthinkable!
    ur sister, how gross she is…..i hope ur mon and sister read ur blog …..how could you live for so long in that house, was it even a house?
    And that guy…..Gosh! he is nothing but devil in disguise, am sorry if I am saying too much…
    But after reading all that you have written I just couldn’t keep it all to myself.
    May God bless U!

  4. shes so wise isnt she….. just like all our grandparents. to think that theyre old and they probably shld be more conservative regarding things like this, but instead they just tell u to do the right thing & ur the one whos supposed to be modern !! luv them all….

    hai, chakka varuthathu… chayende kude kayzhikkyan..ohhh !!!

  5. To Lg/Injipennu: Don’t know what happend. It looks like you have deleted both the injimanga and nalukettu blogs. I can’t tell you how much I miss your blogs.. Please come back..

    Thanu: So Do I!!!!

    Madhavan Kutty: Original otta mooli was the puli ela.. But we couldn’t reach it, so she decided to use the mango leaves!

    Anon: Thank you

    Visithra: Yes she was

    Jay: As a woman, travelling in Kerala, is a nightmare.. I don’t know how I survived..

    Hillgrandmom: She lived life in her terms.. not anyone else.. that is just so hard to do

    Techno: me too!

    Anon: Thank you

    Alex: Chakka chips!.. I haven’t had them fo so long.

    Chandu: Why Chandu? What is wrong with Mallu men? Why do they harass women in Kerala, yet behave well, the moment they cross the kerala border?

    Starsscream: Aiyyah.. MT’s grand daughter nu oru gama illey?? Thangamma’s grand daughter sounds too dookkily..lol

    Ratika: Right now, more than blaming, I want answers. who failed me.. Did I fail myself? Did I not fight hard enough? Did I give up on my life, so others can live their dream?

    Rocksea: Your chakka chips pics were awesome.
    No chakka here! I haven’t eaten chakka chips for about 12 years now..

    Sk: Ah.. enney kothippicho…

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