On Friday I had Hindi examination. Hindi is one subject I knew for sure, I would fail. I never learned Hindi before and it is so difficult to learn a new language. But I was not so worried about the test today. More than the knowledge of the failing the test, I was relieved. Because my mother would be coming home today. I desperately wanted to unload the responsibility burden she placed on my shoulders.
I was getting my sisters ready for school. I was combing Liza’s hair.
Akkachi was in the kitchen packing lunch for us.
I wanted to do something nice for Amma.
“Akkachi will you make Rasam today? You know Amma likes to eat rice with Rasam. Poor thing, she wouldn’t have had anything proper to eat all these days”.
“We don’t have any dried red chilli to make rasam Nina”
“Ok. Give me the money and I will buy it on my way back from school.”

“What time is Amma coming back Nina?” Liza asked me
“This evening”
“Will she be here when we come back from school?”
“Liza, Indian railway works in mysterious ways. We won’t know what time the train would arrive. but she will be back today. That is for sure.”
“Do you think she will remember to buy new eraser and sharpener for us?”
“Liza, she went to send Chechy to University, not for shopping. Please be reasonable.”
“You are jealous Nina”
“For what?”
“because Amma always buys us new things”
“Amma also buy me things, see I pointed my black shoes, she bought me new shoes”.
“Amma doesn’t like you, she told me that.”
“That is utter nonsense. Ofcourse she likes me. No mother can hate her children!”
“Ask Sally, if you don’t believe me. I swear on parumala thirumeni that she told me she doesn’t like you. She says if you were a boy, She wouldn’t have suffered so much. And now that you are deaf, she says you are a burden. We have to save more money for your dowry.”
I looked at my sister trying to understand what exactly she tried to tell me. I saw Akkachi walking in to my room.

“Nina, here is 50 paise to buy chillies” Akkachi placed two 25 paise coins in my hand.

I wanted to throw the coins away. It was meant to buy red chillies to make rasam for my mother who doesn’t love me, who thinks I am a burden. I felt the two 25 paise coins weighing more than the responsibility burden I had on my shoulders. I didn’t want to buy chillies. I thought of telling Akkachi, I don’t want to walk all the way to Anichettan’s shop. I didn’t. I closed my fist tight, So I won’t cry. The coins were hurting my palm. But I didn’t mind. I walked to the bus stand with my sisters.

In the evening after my school I walked to Anichettan’s shop to buy red chillies.
On the way, I thought about what Liza told me in the morning. Was it true that Amma said she doesn’t like me? What did I do wrong? It isn’t my fault that I was born as a girl. Suddenly like a streak of light that enters a dark tunnel, I saw things. I remembered all the fights my grandmother and Amma had. About our family line is stopping with us. How it only continues with a boy. Methran Thambi’s family line is ending with us. If I was a boy, Amma wouldn’t have had to give birth 2 more times. We didn’t have to leave Malaysia. Appa wouldn’t have left us. And Now Amma has to save more money for my dowry.
‘ So what are you going to do’? I heard my inner voice.
I knew what I will do. I will run away from home. I don’t want to be the one who is bringing so much unhappiness in my mother’s life. I turned around and walked to the KSRTC bus stand. I wasn’t sure where I am going to go. My school bag weighed heavily on my shoulder, adding more weight to my already burdened shoulders. I took the bag from my shoulder and held it close to my chest like a baby. It was drizzling. I forgot to use my umbrella. The bus stand was crowded. Everyone was in a hurry to go home. There was no place to sit. I leaned on the dirty pillar painted red with pan spit. I wanted to cry. But I was scared of the people around me, who would ask me a million questions as to why am I crying. I thought, my god, this is a stupid place. You even need permission from strangers, just to cry.
I thought of my father.
‘What will Appa do when he comes back and I am not there?’
‘ Who will make him his favourite teh halia( ginger tea)?
I thought of my sisters.
‘Who will drop them to school everyday? Then I remembered
‘My god I am supposed to fetch them from school. How could I be so selfish. My sisters would be waiting for me at their school and they would be worried now’.

I ran all the way from the bus station to my home. It was raining heavily now and I didn’t bother to use my umbrella. I didn’t want to waste time. As I reached my home, I didn’t bother to open the gate and enter. I threw my school bag inside and yelled to Akkachi
“Akkachi I was a bit late, I am rushing to get Liza and Sally. Please take my bag inside, I will buy Chillies on my way back”
“wait, wait Nina, what happend?” Akkachi came running towards the gate.
“I will explain later, I am late already.”
Now I must think of a good excuse for being late. I shall..