“Do you know why I like to come here?” He asked
I shook my head. I couldn’t guess
“You see the fields over there?” He pointed to the far right.
I looked to where he was pointing. I must be suffering from narrow vision because from the time I sat down, I only saw up to the highway. I never bothered to look beyond that. I was only interested in knowing how far we are from civilization and how long it would take me to reach the civilization in case if I get in to any trouble.
“When I sit here, the view takes me back to my home, to my village, to my people. We have similar fields in our village. Rice fields. Do you know how beautiful it looks? It is like a long carpet, a green colour carpet”
“First it is like a spotted carpet, a mix of brown and green, then it is full green, then there two shades of green, the bottom half is darker and the top lighter, then it is almost golden yellow on the top and green at the bottom. Right?”
I watched the shock on his face. Before he could ask me, how I knew, I answered
“I am a Malayalee, what do you think we eat? Grass? We also grow rice!”
“Oh yeah, I forgot that. Sometimes our worlds are so similar No?”
“I guess”
“Tell me about your home”
I knew this was coming. I knew one day I will have to tell him about home. But what do you tell about home?
“Home is a dream” I replied. I didn’t want to talk about it. Actually there was nothing to talk about it. Some things are best hidden.
He was looking at me. ‘No I don’t want to talk about it’ I tried to tell him with my eyes.
“What is your dream?” He asked
“A lot of things”
“Like what?”
“A world without wars, a world without hunger, a world without racism”
“No Nina, I wasn’t asking you about delusions. I was asking you about your dream about home”
Delusions? Then what would he call my dream about my home? I needed to know what he was going to call that. I could feel the rage in my heart.

“I dream of a family, that lives together, peacefully. A father, a mother and the children living together happily. Visiting grand parents and cousins during holidays, attending functions, celebrations together as a family. That is what I dream” My voice was quivering.
He reached out to hold me
“Don’t” I yelled
“I am sorry. Nina I am really sorry. I didn’t want to make you upset”
“I am not upset”
“Ok”
I hate when my eyes betray me. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want the tears to come out. Not now. But my tears didn’t listen to me.
“Do you know that I have cousins that I have never seen? Do you know that I have never been to a wedding in my family? Do you know that once my dad’s aunt ( Ammachi’s sister in law)was travelling with me in the train and she was sitting right across me and I didn’t recognize her? She saw the mole on my right hand and mentioned that her nephew had similar moles and he was working for British Government? Do you know she was talking about my father? When she was talking so high about her nephew to all the other passengers, I wanted, I so very badly wanted to say that he is my father. I couldn’t. Do you know how it feels, when you are not even able to say that you are your father’s daughter? If I told the lady that she was speaking about my father, it would have embarrassed her in front of everyone. They would have wondered what is this? She didn’t even recognize her famous nephew’s daughter?
Do you know there has never been a day in my family that my parents haven’t fought? Do you know how it feels when you wake up and not hear your mother’s voice? Do you know how your heart pound with fear as you tip toe to your parents bedroom to make sure that your mother is alive?”
He tried to hold me
“Don’t touch me” I screamed
This time he didn’t let go. He held me tight and I tried to break free . But he was too strong. He pulled me close to his chest.
I was angry.
I was angry with him. I was angry with my family. I was angry with Ammachi for holding on to her Suriani faith and treating my Anglican mother badly.
I was angry with Appa for not treating my mother well, I was angry with Amma for not trying to make her marriage work.
I was angry with my parents for having children. They were incapable of being parents, yet they chose to have 4 children.
I was angry with Maria for walking out on us, leaving me with the responsibilities of the oldest sister.
But more than all that, I was angry with myself because I couldn’t break free from my family.
I was so angry. I felt like kicking the bag that was in front of me.
But there was something about leaning on a man. There was something about the way he was holding me, much as I didn’t want him to hold me, I was also soothed by his touch. There was a kind of comfort in his touch. I leaned back on to his body. I could feel my heart slowing down. I closed my eyes. I didn’t want the moment to end.
I heard him singing
If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever oh so clearly
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong
Our dreams are young and we both know
They’ll take us where we want to go
Hold me now, touch me now
I don’t want to live without you
Nothing’s gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I’ll never ask for more than your love
Nothing’s gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by now how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through
But nothing’s gonna change my love for you

If the road ahead is not so easy
Our love will lead a way for us
Like a guiding star
I’ll be there for you if you should need me
You don’t have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I’ll help you see forever too
Hold me now, touch me now
I don’t want to live without you

I felt time stood still. There were only two people that mattered at that point and that was the two of us. I didn’t have to be ashamed of my family. I didn’t have to be ashamed of incest in the family. I was just me and I knew he was happy with me.
“Nina” He called
“hmm”
“What is one thing that would make you happy?”
“Delusion or real?” I asked
“God, you were offended by that?”
“I was initially, but then I realized you spoke the truth. All my dreams regarding my family are delusions. I know they would never come true. But I still keep on dreaming.
I guess the one thing that would make me happy would be watching the sun set”
“Why sun set? Why not sun rise?” he asked
“Setting sun is a sign of a promise”
“huh?”
“You see, when the sun sets, it is promising you, ‘Don’t worry, darkness is only temporary. I will be back in the morning and it will be a beautiful day’.
Where as the rising sun is just a promise honoured!.
I like the setting sun, the way brightness turn to crimson red then to darkness. Even when darkness envelops all around you, in your heart you know brightness is there right around the corner. You just have to wait. It will surely come”

“I like the rising sun. How the rays warm the cold earth. How the leaves shine in the morning light. The tranquility of the morning is so beautiful, the chirping of the birds, the way the town wakes up with sounds from the vehicles, people rushing, all that makes morning interesting” He replied
“I miss most of that, I am not a morning person. I like the nights”
“Yeah I have heard”
“Heard what?”
“That you never get your breakfast because you are always late”
“Who told you that?”
“Don’t know. Someone was talking about you in the hostel”
“So I must be popular”
“Very”
“Why?”
“Because there isn’t another person like you”
“What do you mean?”
“Nina, much as the guys judged you when the letter came, they also admired you. The fact that you wrote the exam and passed spoke volumes of your courage.”
“hmm”
“Do you always speak hmm language?”
“hmm” I turned to look at him. My face was so close to his. I could hear Shirley Bassey singing at the back of my head. I looked away hoping he wouldn’t have noticed that I was blushing. I was just so relieved when he said
“Baby, we need to go now” He leaned and kissed the back of my head. I didn’t know how to react, so I didn’t move. He let go off me and we both got up.
“Come,let us go” He picked up the bag and held my hand. As I we climbed down the rocks, I knew this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The road may be bumpy, but I knew the journey would be worth it, that the end results would be spectacular.
Naga warrior and a Malayalee from two corners of earth found happiness in each other.

Dear Appa, where ever you are, Wishing you peace, happiness and health on this day and every day..