I come a from a family of wanderers. Half of my grandfather’s family live in Ceylon ( Sri Lanka), half of my mom’s family live in US and half of my family live in Europe. I also have relatives in most parts of the world. The ones living in Ceylon have never come back to India even once and consider themselves to be Sri Lankans. The ones living in US came back to India every other year following the standard format..with all the women decked in gold, achayans wearing ill fitting coat and suit and their children wearing smart shorts and often captain style tshirts or frilly dresses, shoes and knee length socks but most importantly speaking fluent Malayalam. It was considered a great achievement by the parents to be able to raise their ABCD children as proper malayalees. A proper mallu child was in fact a feather on the parents’ war bonnet.
My question is, what is so great to be a Malayalee? I keep hearing about ‘roots’. What roots are you talking about when you yourself transplanted it out of India?
The parents went to US for want of better job, money, lifestyle etc. No one pointed a gun at the parents telling them to leave Kerala. In the 50’s and 60’s the exchange rate enabled people to go back to India after working a few years outside, earn a chunk of cash and then go back and live on that income. Plus there was filial piety and inheritance to worry about.. But now more and more people are finding it easier to live outside India though they all claim to want to go back to Kerala one day. What are the chances their children who were raised outside India will want to go back to Kerala? What will happen if they never knew a word of Malayalam? How would it make them a bad human being?
Why are parents forcing their children to straddle two cultures? If you live in America, raise your children as Americans and if you are fearful of the “bad western influence” on your children, then wouldn’t it be better to stay in Kerala. It is illogical to assume that you are being a very smart parent by controlling every move your child makes, therefor you can control the outcome, in this case create a perfect Indian child who grows out to be a perfect Indian teenager and then go on to becoming a perfect Indian adult. But unlike the 50’s and 60’s technology has advanced so much and children are much more smarter than you. All you are achieving is creating a crafty child who knows how to manipulate you.
Conforming to the popular opinions doesn’t make you a smart parent. Be open, accept the new life style, west is not all that bad, just as east is not all that good.
I completely agree with the fact that so many Indian parents are trying to raise an ‘Indian’ child with the lack of the actual Indian surrounding; however, the roots. Being a victim of this exact ‘Indian’ upbringing in an environment that is most definitely not India (I’m from England), I can wholeheartedly say that I’ve never been able to call myself British even if I wanted to. As much as they say that western people’s views and opinions towards foreigners have changed, being brought up among young British children myself, I can confirm that even if their parents pretend to be open and accepting on the outside, that is definitely not what is being fed into their children’s brains when these parents are under the shade of privacy and away from public light. The first question when people start talking to me is, “Where are you from?” and apparently, the town I grew up in in England isn’t an adequate answer and they say, “No, but where are you REALLY from?” That’s when I decided I couldn’t ever be a whole British even if I wanted and believed myself to, because of the gold that runs through my skin; which is why I now understand the importance of ‘roots’: knowing where I’m from and going back to the land where I won’t be asked twice about “where I’m REALLY from”. I now take pride in knowing another language, not because it’s my mother tongue but because it is purely another language that I have mastered. Even if I would refuse to settle back in India, it will always be close to my heart because it was something that was close to my amma’s and appa’s hearts 🙂 Just thought I’d share 🙂
T: beautifully written argument. When I read your comment I remembered Bjork telling “When I was a teenager in Iceland people would throw rocks and shout abuse at me because they thought I was weird. I never got that in London no matter what I wore”. I was called chattakkari ( derogatory name for Anglo Indians) when I was growing up in Kerala and even living in Bangalore I was often asked where I was from, apparently looking like an Indian in India is not enough. My point is, you are going to be asked where you are from irrespective of where you live and often treated differently if you don’t conform to the standards set by the society you live.
I asked Yaya, if anyone ever asked her where she is from? and she said occasionally and her answer to that question was ” I am a Malaysian Indian from Canada currently living in Australia” . My son is very loyal to Malaysia and if anyone asks him where he is from, he says he is from Malaysia. Baby refuses to be anything but Canadian. I have not encouraged them to feel loyalty to any particular country. In the grand scheme of things I don’t think they will feel left out because they don’t know anything about Kerala or being a Malayalee.
Sarah, do your kids understand/speak Malayalam?…After reading T’s thoughts above, I am wondering if I should ask my son to speak more in Malayalam… He understands it perfectly, but does not speak except some words here and there…(We don’t force him to talk in Malayalam, but we talk to him in Malayalam & English…Our stand has always been – if he wants he can learn)…When ever he spouts off a whole sentence, I look at him in wondrous joy and just tell him I really liked him trying to speak.. I think sometimes he says a sentence just to see the smile on my face…:D
Thumbi: No, my children don’t speak Malayalam, Yaya probably understand a bit. She speaks Japanese, Spanish and French. My brother in law is Swedish and speaks passable Malayalam ( he had a tutor to teach him !). Him knowing the language and my child not knowing the language has not made either a Malayalee or not a Malayalee. I believe one ought to learn a language that gives you a head start in life, Malayalam didn’t fit in to that category.
Happy birthday
People who lived in their place of birth for a long develop a liking for it. They hold a nostalgic feeling of the childhood days, the places they have played and spent with the friends, the first school, the romantic days and so on. Memories of their relatives vivid. They feel comfortable in that place, feel attachment and want to go back some day. Malayalis feel alien away from home. Nothing wrong in them migrating to any continent. Root is the memories still he keeps fresh and precious in his mind. Once he wipes it off , no roots.
Nomads have no such feeling. They enjoy every place they visit and stay. They adapt to every culture they come across.
Malayali Parents, even in US or anywhere in the world, feel their culture was better hence force their children to keep with them part of it.
These feelings are relative.
Bipin: thank you for the wishes..
My children’s (adopted) grandmother is pure Finnish, but born and raised in US. She considers herself to be American, never been to Finland and never had any difficulty living in US. She never had to straddle two cultures. This decade most of the first generation Mallus born in US are becoming adults and you can see from news how they are struggling… How many more children ought to die before something is done?
In the news? Why are they struggling?
Thumbi: Missing, died of hypothermia, committed suicide..all were in the news lately
Wow!…3 in a single month!… Wonder what’s happening? http://www.rediff.com/news/report/us-missing-22-year-old-indian-origin-girl-found-dead/20140312.htm
Thumbi: This decade you will see more and more cases like this as the biggest wave of migration occurred in mid 80’s to early 90’s and their children are now going to Uni..ill prepared to face the reality of life, with no social skills, no sex education and absolute freedom.
Totally agree!!.. While it is good to cook your native food or speak you native language or follow all different religious celebrations to a tee, parents should not force their kids born abroad to keep following what they are following…I don’t think it is fair to them… Once you move to a different country than you were born in, isn’t it better to assimilate to the new culture? At least incorporate a bit of the new culture into your lives?… I always wonder about my friends touting ‘Bharat Mahaan’ slogan and live in US – Why did you move here, if you are so against this culture and love India so much?…Why aren’t you moving back?
I can already see my son becoming an outcast in the malayalee community…The new fad here in the Malayalee church is to make your child read Bible in Malayalam …
Thumbi: I had to attend Christmas service in one of the Mallu Churches in Philly and they had someone to read Bible in Hindi as well.
Hey I’m a little late to this party, but just found this blog and found it interesting. Just want to share my two cents and hope you’ll contribute :). To Thumbi – thank you for posting this because I and many others CAN relate! Here’s my intake
I am straddled between these two cultures. I was born and bred in US and parents are from Kerala originally. I’m nothing like the proper Malaya lee. Yes I can speak enough Malayalam for my grandparents and to get by, but not at all fluent, sometimes I mix English, and my cousins there can speak English, so the point always gets across. However I mainly speak English to my parents and everyone else who knows or understands it..it’s just what I’m comfortable with and use Malayalam to those who can’t understand at all, which is not often. I do know a little bit of keralite cooking and find Malayalam movies much better than before (I was a big Hindi bluff, but now they stink :()I also know quite a bit about Kerala and how things are there like, and some gossip going on. Been there enough to know. But when it comes to parents and the malayalee community it is really corrupt. All they care is showing off, wealth, compare and trash people and have that arrogant ego of theirs which is really nonsense. They are trying to make me into the traditional malayalee girl that grew up olden way. It’s really irritating and annoying when you have family members who are extremely narrow-minded, cannot look at any other perspective and claim that malayalees are these innocent souls while everyone else and other cultures are corrupt ( I have very few who are very normal and easy to talk to -thank god). Probably why not many Malaya lees have social etiquettes when it comes to mingling with other cultures, even other Indians. They can’t even acknowledge the fact that even in Kerala things are changing and attitudes are taking a shift. It’s horrible and unfortunate to be in a community that does not let you be your own person. I’m not proper according to one of my parents because just I can’t speak Malayalam all perfectly which basically means I can’t speak Malayalam at all (bullshit) and that I don’t know how to cook every single kerala recipe in the book, and get compared to my cousin’s kids (whom I love btw) who speak Malayalam very well. Another thing that pisses me off is that I don’t “care’ about family, which is far from the truth. Well guess what, my family back in Kerala is no better and there were always family complaints that they never cared for relatives in the US and only wanted and cared for money..which is how most ppl in Kerala are like. And it’s true, we give calls to them, send cards and they don’t give two cents about us, and yet they think they are better. Not cool. It’s like saying having a cunning nature is good while not being a perfect human and trying to be peaceful is bad. That’s how our culture seems to be like.
I’ve had a love/hate relationship with malayalaee culture. I’d love to embrace my Kerala heritage more, and if I did not end up in a very pessimistic/very narrow-minded family, perhaps this would have been achieved. It’s a road rage when you try to discuss certain feelings or engage in conversations that deal with personal opinions and thought sharing. You just have to agree to what they say even if it’s bad and wrong. It makes you just turn away from it and have a distaste for the culture itself. The first few times I’ve been to Kerala, I loved it, it was wonderful and I always dreamed of going back, the last few times I started hating it, especially when people starting showing their chauvinistic attitudes towards you. The worst is MARRIAGE. Yes I have to be married like now and I’m only in my early 20’s. I’m graduating soon and they are starting this process. Great.
I guess what I have been through is a reflection of what many of us are going through. I was always told I should have grown up in India so I can be the traditional Malaya lee girl (which would be a myth anyway because things have changed in the last decade and even girls there are nothing like what is perceived by the community). And plus I guess I can say thank god I did not grow up there because I probably would have not become the person I am today, mature, independent, speak up and not be afraid when needed, and know what decisions to take in life rather than just doing what the parents say which sometimes can lead to unfortunate events (an example of this has happened in my family sadly). When you go out and expose yourself to more cultures and people, you see life differently. I feel our malayalee community does not accept that and only want to see their side of things only, which is sad. They don’t even accept inter racial marriages and shun those who take route that is different from the expected standards. Probably why there is so familial problems? It’s wrong. It’s no wonder why many malayalees turn away because of the attitudes. We should embrace our culture, not turn it away.
But in the mean run, it’s always good to know and be aware of your heritage and culture. That doesn’t mean you have to stick by the rules and follow it thoroughly. I’m an American, and also Malaya lee. I combine the two and incorporate it into my life. I’d be watching Game of Thrones while enjoying idli and sambar lol. Yes I’m mixed and I love it, but only when I’m surrounded by positive people. Am I strictly traditional? Absolutely not. Should it be a big deal that I don’t cook and clean like a professional and speak broken or little Malayalam. No it should not be a big deal. Is it bad that I’m like this? NO. There’s nothing wrong with it. No one’s perfect and you can still enjoy and embrace your heritage even if you are not perfect. However in a community like ours it’s never the case.
If I have kids in the future, I’d definitely love to expose to them to Indian culture, and not only Kerala, but other Indian states as well. Even other cultures. That way they will have the respect for everyone, not only Malaya lees. I am just going to raise to them to become good people who do good. I’d be thrilled with whatever they wish, and no I am not going to force them to be strictly Indian, though I’d love to take them to India and learn about it. Like Thumbi said, if they want to learn Malayalam or any language, I’d be more than happy to help them and find ways so they can learn, but I will not shove it down their throats. Perhaps we can learn together :). I plan to marry in late 20’s early 30’s. I feel I’ll be mature that time. Hope and prefer to marry a malayalee born and brought up outside Kerala who has similar thinking, but I am not against marrying other cultures and races. I think like an American and may be one, but still I will not deny my roots and know I’m a malayalee at heart.
Thanks for this blog, it’s good to speak up once in a while. I wish you all the best and will continue to look around here 🙂
JJ289: Why marry a mallu? The ones I have seen ( sons of all my cousins) are copy of their fathers..with the same attitude and arrogance. I hope my daughters will not marry a mallu guy
I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with marrying a malayalee, though I wouldn’t suggest marrying someone from Kerala and has not had any or limited exposure outside. But mallus born and brought up outside, or has at least lived outside Kerala for a very long time (as kids, not adults though I’ve seen many adults change as well) are very different than those in Kerala, and even as a ABCD, I find that those who grew up in other regions are really similar to me and can relate to them more. We tend to broaden our horizons and learn respect for other people. No offense, but I don’t think malayalees who never or barely gone outside have that hence they are stuck in their olden ways. I would not blame them entirely as they grew up and know only what they know. I would prefer a mallu so we both can sometimes go back and think and talk about and celebrate some stuff about our heritage though we are very open minded and very modern, but I don’t mind marrying someone from a different culture. It’s the compatibility, commitment and bond that is important, not so much the race. I do give props to those who do engage in a interracial. I have one in my family and when it happens, it brings a lot of perspective and help those who initally don’t agree with it look at things at a different angle.